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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

December 2008

Week One

Jay Leno: "The worst penalty O.J. had gotten before this was fifteen yards." "Men like spooning because it often leads to forking." "The Old Navy store has been taken over by Somali pirates." "Britney's new album is named Circus because she has a big top and has dated a bunch of clowns." "Lawyers are losing their jobs. CEOs are having to work for $1 a year. Ann Coulter had her jaw wired shut. It's a great Christmas!" "Sarah Palin helped the Republican win in Georgia. It's the first guy she's helped win since Barack Obama." "What's the difference between Plaxico Burress and a Chinese toy? The toy has less lead in it." "A-Rod's going to spend the holidays with the old lady and then go see his wife and kids." "Bush just bought a home in Dallas for $2 million. A year ago it would have been $4 million. The man's a genius." "Bill Clinton said he's open to a position in the Obama administration. Well, what he said was he's looking for a desk job." "Archeologists just discovered a 2,700-year-old marijuana stash. The oldest before that was found on Willie Nelson's tour bus." "Hookers are offering a Plaxico special. They'll make your gun go off in your pants." "Disney may make an animated movie voiced by Paris Hilton. Another Disney movie based on a ride." Guest Kirk Fox: "The valet wanted twenty bucks. I said, 'Keep the car.' He said, 'Take the car.' I said, 'Not unless you tip me.'" Headlines: "Guide Dog BBQ." "Turkey with cornbread suffering." "Read your whoroscope." On school calendar: "November is Baby Penis Month."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Here's an 88-year-old woman's obituary which says she died at exactly midnight while watching Jimmy Kimmel Live. We reviewed the tape for that night, and, I swear to God, this is what was on." It was the middle of a Jonas Brothers song. "The Body Shop strip club burned down this morning. Our prayers go out to Charlie and the whole Sheen family."

The Daily Show: John Hodgman to Jon Stewart: "You're a lame duck too. When Bush goes, you go. It's the end of comedy." Jon: "Planned Parenthood is advertising gift certificates, presumably for unstuffing your stocking." "In high school I drove a Gremlin. It got me from here to there and helped me preserve my virginity."

Gay comic on Chelsea Handler's show: "In the gay community guys who like younger guys are known as everybody. I'm known as a bear because I'm big and love picnic baskets."

Craig Ferguson: "If you have to pay for sex in San Francisco you must be straight.

Week Two

Saturday Night Live: Seth Meyers: "Boy George was convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The world's weakest male escort." "The Bush's say they'll miss most the White House staff, those always around them. Basically, anyone who's put their nuts on their toothbrushes." Amy Poehler: "You can shop online, which is good news, because you can't buy something and then masturbate in a store."

Jay Leno: "This is awful. By the time O.J. gets out, who knows where the real killers will be?" "Plastic surgeons in L.A. are offering gift certificates to make women 'born-again virgins.' 'Hey, Janice, the guys in the office pitched in and got you something.'" "People are now having lavish weddings for their dogs. How does this make gay people feel?" Headlines: "Man Arrested for Everything." "Slowdown Continues to Accelerate." Menu with "pee-baked pumpkin pie."

Dave Letterman: "The automakers should apply for farm subsidies, because of all the lemons they've produced over the years." "What doomed O.J. was that his lawyer couldn't find anything that rhymed with memorabilia." "A 70-year-old woman has given birth, so congratulations to Madonna and A-Rod." "Obama has offered Gore the 10 p.m. spot." "The Yankees are signing the new guy for $140,000,000, but first he has to pass the physical at Madonna's house." "Sarah Palin was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign. Of course Pam Anderson was nominated for the best Golden Globes." "The Times Square hookers are offering a Governor of Illinois special. For $50 you get Blagojeviched." "Even Osama bin Laden has put in a bid for that Illinois Senate seat." "You remember Saddam Hussein. He was convicted of trying to steal back his sports memorabilia."

Conan O'Brien: "Barbra Streisand kissed President Bush. Afterwards he asked, 'Who was that guy?'" "McDonald's sales are up, proving you're never too poor to get fat." "A gay nativity scene in Amsterdam with two Josephs takes place in a barn called The Man-Ger." "Oprah's up to 200 pounds, but 150 of that is wallet." "Michael Jackson is offering, 'For sale, one sequined glove, smells of Webster." "A strip club burned down in L.A. That's what happens when you get too much wood in one room." "Showtime is launching a new series about a gay superhero. It's called Batman."

Jon Stewart: "The Governor of Illinois even tried to take money from a children's hospital. It was his Take Away a Wish Foundation." (On black people voting for Prop 8) Jon: "What about black gay people?" Correspondent Larry Gilmore: There are no black gay people." Jon: "So what do you call black guys who have sex with other men?" Larry: "Cellmates."

Jimmy Kimmel on learning Jay Leno isn't coming to his network ABC. "I feel like a huge chin has been lifted off my shoulders." "I'm not going to call in gay tomorrow. I'll call in bi and just work half a day."

Craig Ferguson showed a real headline: "Can Obama Escape the Taint of Blagojevich?" Craig: "I don't think Obama's even been near the taint of Blagojevich, who, incidentally is 52 today. I hear 52 is the new 30-to-life." "I hate crooked politicians. I like crooked cops, especially stripper cops. Of course Officer Delicious called in gay today."

Week Three

SNL: host Hugh Laurie: "On the plus side, in 2008 you had the most exciting election in your nation's history. On the minus side, everything else." Seth Meyers: "For 'Day Without a Gay' I started to call in gay, but I didn't want to use up all my gay days." "Michael Jackson's sequined glove is being auctioned off. If that glove could talk it would probably apologize to a lot of kids."

Jay Leno: "In Iraq George Bush was attacked by a shoe-icide bomber and did something he's never doe before, leaned to the left." "It was so cold in Washington today they're throwing snowshoes at President Bush." "I got a card from an L.A. sperm bank saying a donation has been made in my name." "Kevin Federline now has his own clothing line. We can assume they aren't work clothes." Guest Dame Edna: "I have my own lipstick, Kangarouge. It makes you feel like a kangaroo in the springtime." "I've had a little plastic surgery. I had these double chins put in." Guest Adam Sandler: "You have a boy you have to worry about one penis. With a girl you have to worry about every penis in the world." Headlines: "Porn Case Has Holes." "Acceptance of gay marriage must be won from bottom up."

Dave Letterman: "Santa Claus was shot down over Alaska last night by Sarah Palin. Did you hear that her church was burned down? Police suspect Joe the Arsonist." "That Bush guy was arrested. Police are trying to find out if he's Shoe-ni or Shoe-ite. Bush reacted quickly. Wish he'd done that with bin Laden. Or Katrina. Or Lehman Brothers, or ... Bush hasn't ducked that fast since Vietnam." "Iraq is developing shoes of mass destruction, and Iran is developing a long-range loafer." "I admire the way Bush dodged those shoes. That's the old cheerleader training." "Tom Cruise is on the show tonight. Between Tom and me you ladies won't know where to look. Tom's in a new movie about a plot to throw shoes at Hitler." Guest Adam Sandler: "Since we're Jewish I had to explain to my daughter that she doesn't sit on Santa's lap; she sits on Aunt Fay's lap. They both have beards." "For Christmas my mom wants a son with a show at 10 p.m." "This year's least popular carol is 'It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas, 1929.'" "Did you folks see the Amy Winehouse special The 12 Steps of Christmas?"

Conan O'Brien had shoes thrown at him and then complained, "You hit me in Little Conan. Comparatively speaking." "The man told police he hadn't wanted to offer Amy Winehouse drugs. He just didn't know what else to talk to her about." "Johnson & Johnson is producing improved breast implant products. Mr. Johnson said he's doing it for his Johnson." "Elton John said he'd rather have a dog bite off his genitals than watch American Idol. When Ryan Seacrest heard that he got down on all fours and went woof." "The Governor of New York wants to put a tax on massages. It's the unhappy ending tax." Guest Charlie Vericola: "I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents." "My grandma only has one breast, so I got her a part-time job at Hooters." "The hotel asked if I wanted the porn channel disabled. It sounded kinky, but I decided to try it." "They couldn't do CSI Mississippi because there are no dental records and everyone's DNA is the same."

Craig Ferguson. "One analyst claims there was a second shoe thrower. The thrower was a journalist. Why didn't he just write something nasty about Bush? Doesn't he know the pen is mightier than the shoe?" "Paris Hilton says she saves time by using a leaf blower to get the pubes off her quilt." "Guy Ritchie earned that $76 million. It's 50 cents for every time Madonna mentioned the Kabala." "In India a 70-year-old woman was the oldest to give birth since Demi Moore had Ashton." "I have my own signature wrestling move, the Ferguson Pull My Finger."

Week Four

Dave Letterman: "Big celebrity birthday coming up this week. Happy birthday, Jesus!" "Police said whoever stole the jewels was probably familiar with Paris Hilton's bedroom. That narrows it down. And it was one of the few times the camera in her bedroom was off." "For 2009 I want to become a Madonna first round draft pick." "Do you like endangered species? Me too. I had one for lunch." Among the Top Ten Least Popular Mall Stores: "Old Gravy, Infected Foot Locker, J.C. Penniless and the Amy Winehouse House of Wine."

Jay Leno: "O.J. Simpson is writing a book about what he's learned: I Should Have Stuck with Killing People." "President Bush went to his ranch. His horse threw a shoe at him." "It's so cold in Alaska they're putting chapstick on their pigs." "There's now a sex chip to turn on the pleasure center in your brain. And you thought it was embarrassing when your neighbor's clicker made your garage door go up." Guest Robin Williams: "Canada is like a nice family living over a biker bar." Jay said he was once performing in a club in the South where the governor was sitting in the front row with two hookers. The governor told him, "Yoou only get in trouble if you're caught with a dead woman or a live boy."

Craig Ferguson: "Next year Jim Carrey's in a movie where he plays Ewan McGregor's boyfriend. This time he does more than just talk out of his butt. I think this movie is also called Yes Man."

On Chelsea Handler's show the Sklar Brothers were talking about Dick Clark hosting the New Years Eve countdown with the Jonas Brothers: "I want to watch at midnight when the Jonas Brothers' balls drop.

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



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