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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

December 2000


Week ending December 1, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Tonight Martha Stewart is going to show you how you can take things you find dead on the highway and turn your home into a showplace." When she came out he showed her catalog, Martha by Mail, but he'd added "Holiday Crap." Dave: "Around my house I have a lot of old rubber gloves." Martha: "You could glitter them and put them in the front yard." Dave: "And if it snows, it would look like a lot of people smothered by an avalanche."

"In Central Park today I saw a squirrel hand-counting his nuts."

"The White House is now giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. Some of these jokes just write themselves. Bush spent all day in front of the White House waiting for the cable guy."

"Yogi Berra just called Al Gore and said, 'It's over!' But Gore is so desperate to keep people interested that he's sealed himself in a six-ton block of ice."

"Clinton refused to give Bush the keys to the transition room. It's not the first time someone has refused to let George W. have the keys. Today Dick Cheney's cardiologist vetoed several intern candidates."

"George W. plans to turn the Lincoln Memorial into a giant electric chair. He also plans to give the Oval Office carpet one mother of a shampooing."

"Here's a report on the Canadian election crisis. The liberal incumbent won by a landslide, and today he's still the winner."

"The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are running a Thanksgiving special. For an extra fifty bucks, you can go back for seconds. In New York when we finish carving the turkey we dump the carcass in the East River."

"Thanksgiving's the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How Long's Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six bloody marys, looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'"

"Turkey makes you sleepy, so to the stuffing you should add, oh, about a tablespoon of crack."

"Last night we had that idiot — I mean Richard Simmons — and I ended up screaming obscenities at him. Oprah doesn't scream obscenities at her guests. Even Jerry Springer doesn't. Richard was dressed up as a turkey and tried to kiss me and then put a wrestling hold on me, and I had to scream obscenities at him. He desperately wanted to kiss me, and I didn't want him to kiss me. The CO2 fire extinguisher was the only weapon I had against the guy. He grabs me in a headlock, and I could tell he wanted to kill me. Think how embarrassing that would have been. So I broke free and started screaming obscenities at him. Do we have a tape of the incident? What? Oh, the tapes have been subpoenaed."

Dave's Mom (live on satellite from Indiana): "Well, I love Richard Simmons, but I think he carried things a little too far last night."
Dave: "Will you say that in court?"
Mom: "If I have to, I will."

Dave on his Mom's cooking: "Mom, that Martha Stewart couldn't carry your lunch." Then Dave had his Mom open her refrigerator. It was filled to overflowing with Colt 45 and beef jerky.

"For Thanksgiving Tipper Gore made her famous absentee ballot stuffing."

"In honor of Thanksgiving, all tonight's jokes will be leftovers. This year is the Thanksgiving when we all recount our blessings. And the real Thanksgiving is Sunday when you drive all your relatives to the airport."

"Did you watch the big Florida Thanksgiving special, Kathie Lee in Broward County?"

"It was windy for the Macy's parade this year. It took twelve handlers to tie down Mayor Giuliani's combover." Dave showed a picture of clowns from the Macy's parade as "Florida's Election Commission." Then he showed a big metal wheel rim as "all that's left of the Firestone float. Oh, and did you notice that the Underdog float was anatomically correct?"

Guest Jon Stewart:
"I think other countries are losing respect for us. This morning Cuba put a bag of flaming poop on our doorstep."
"From seeing Katherine Harris it's clear why Republicans don't get caught up in sex scandals."
"You know Palm Beach county is old Jewish people, and they're used to being able to send things back: 'Oh, I thought this ballot would be leaner.'"
"I was on Regis's show. I feel so good for him now that Cruella is gone."

Dave was complaining about Richard Simmons, dressed as a turkey, trying to kiss him. Jon: "When he was kissing you, did his little thermometer pop up?"

Dave: "Have you had Richard Simmons on your show?" Jon: "We don't get guests of that magnitude."

Clinton Classics:
From 11/99: "Thanksgiving means a lot to Monica Lewinsky, because her ancestors came across on the Mayflower."
From 11/99: "It was a typical Thanksgiving for President Clinton. First he had a leg, then a thigh, then a breast; and then he had dinner."
From 2/99: "The Republicans want Monica Lewinsky to testify in the Senate so they can look her right in the eye. Hell, even Clinton hasn't done that."
From 2/99: "The impeachment trial continues in the Senate. Each Senator gets fifteen minutes on the floor — same deal as Clinton has with the interns."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Some doctors are saying that eating meat is as bad as smoking. And if you eat smoked meat ... But worst of all is secondhand meat."

"Widow Anna Nicole Smith turned 33 today. She didn't blow out her candles. She just smothered them with a pillow. If you're buying her a present, she likes really old things in a box. She's still looking for Mr. Right — Mr. Right About to Die."

"Poor Robert Downey, Jr. was caught with drugs again. He's like Otis on Andy Griffith: 'OK, cell's open.' Whatever happened to giving a guy a fiftieth chance? And Downey had just signed a big deal with Colombia — the country, not the studio. They don't know who's going to replace him on Ally McBeal. Maybe Darryl Strawberry."

"A man in China had his diseased esophagus replaced with part of his colon. For a sore throat he takes Preparation H. And when he sneezes, watch out! And I don't even want to think about him getting a lump in his throat."

"Men who have sex three or four times a week cut their risk of heart attack in half. 'Honey, it's time for my medication!' Kevin [the bandleader] is into self-medication."

"The Israeli Prime Minister wants new elections. The whole thing may come down to the Jewish vote."

"This Florida election thing. Only in politics do you go to the courts to speed things up. They're going to the U.S. Supreme Court to pit Bush's intelligence against Gore's honesty. Shouldn't they be going to small claims court?"

"Did you see the tv ad the Republicans ran? They gave Bob Dole some Viagra and had him show how to punch holes in the ballot."

"NBC is going to be showing It's a Wonderful Life, about what would have happened if the Jimmy Stewart character had never been born. Al Gore is wishing Ralph Nader had never been born. Al would be President."

"Showtime is showing Queer as Folks, a story about two guys who don't need a girl or a pizza place."

"Clinton says that when his term's over in a couple of years he'd like to be Mayor of New York. He'll clean up Times Square — get rid of the Disney store and bring back the strip joints and hookers."

"Clinton says young Americans must get in shape. He didn't mind young fat women when they were under his desk."

"A deer in Ohio saw its reflection in a mirror and tried to mate with itself. The same thing once happened to the Backstreet Boys."

"Scientists say a woman listens with her whole brain, while a man only listens with half his brain. The other half is picturing her naked."

"I ate so much for Thanksgiving I feel like a pregnant chad. You know, the Pilgrims didn't have a President either."

"President Clinton celebrated Thanksgiving with his half-brother Roger and his half-wife Hillary. Clinton thanked America for letting him live out his dreams, and Hillary for just letting him live. Clinton pardoned the White House turkey. He's a sucker for anything with a tiny brain and big breasts. But then the turkey went out and held up a 7-11. So George W. Bush says Clinton is soft on turkeys."

"Remember the first Thanksgiving when the Indians said, 'Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.'"

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."

"George W. Bush is getting really excited. Today he called his dad to get the address of the White House. Bush says he wants to get the Republicans and Democrats to work together. He can't even get his brain and his mouth to work together."

"Clinton just doesn't care anymore. Today he signed an executive order banning panties. Today Clinton says he wants to work on the internet because it'll 'give me a chance to work with young people and get my juices flowing.'"

"Dick Cheney had a mild heart attack, but they say he'll soon be able to resume his regular activities. I thought having heart attacks was his regular activity. Anyway, since he's a Republican, the heart isn't a major organ. His rival, Joe Lieberman called Cheney in the hospital and said, 'Boo!'"

"Dick Cheney left the hospital today. With the Bush health plan you're out in two days. They say a heart attack feels like an elephant sitting on your chest. Clinton said, 'Boy, I know that feeling.'"

"In Florida they're saying the will of the people will prevail — except in the Keys, where the will of the Village People prevails. You know, Katherine Harris may still have the final say. Our next President may be picked by a woman who can't even pick a good plastic surgeon."

Jay introduced guests Dimpled Chad and then Dangling Chad, but he wouldn't let Dangling Chad open his bathrobe.

"You know the difference between a voting machine and a lottery machine? With the lottery machine at least there's the chance of a winner."

"Al Gore had thousands of kids' letters to Santa thrown away because they had invalid postmarks."

"A man in Sacramento kept going to the Department of Motor Vehicles in disguise and got 83 drivers licences. He spent 95% of his life standing in line."

"Did you read about that poor woman who thought Crazy Glue was her eyedrops and glued one of her eyes shut? There's a future Palm Beach voter. She says she did it on purpose. She doesn't want to see any more election coverage. But Lens Crafters say they can make glasses for her in about half an hour."

Guest Dylan McDermott told of visiting a bath store where his toddler daughter took a poop in a display toilet. "I just handed the clerk my credit card."

Monday Night Headlines:
"How to Make Communicate More Effective"
Ad for "Dr. Melvin B. Hurt"
Ad for "Fresh Chicken Wine"
Ad for "Inhouse and outhouse catering"
On a McDonald's receipt: "We love to see you smell."
Advice: "Call police if you notice a strange naked man in your residence."
Classified ad for "Cadillac hearse with coffin and body, $6,000."
Weddings: "Eaton - Franks, Young - Wang, De Butts - Rump, Ho - Trainer, Orgon - Crammer and Good - Fruck"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Experts say that as a youth Al Gore was incredibly difficult to break up with."

"Hillary Clinton has a new book about the White House. It took a village of editors to make it readable."

"Katherine Harris gave Bush the Presidency by 537 votes, a landslide — if you're running for student council president."

Clip of Bush saying, "Time runs short." Jon: "To which Dick Cheney's doctor said, 'Hey, that's my line.'"

"In Canada they just did the whole election in a day. That's Canada, where the days are only an hour and a half long."

"For countless lucky Americans addictive products are everywhere. Some are still addicted to the cereal Boo Berry, with the ghost with a little red tie and nipple rings. But it's no longer available in most of the country." Correspondent Stephen Colbert called General Mills and asked to speak to Hayley."

Correspondent Steve Carell: "I'm assuming the Presidency."
Jon: "You can't do that."
Steve: "Bush did."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Dick Cheney says George W. Bush plans on emphasizing diversity. He's going to hire white guys from all parts of Texas."

"Al Gore says George W. Bush's arguments on the vote recount are 'insubstantial.' George W. says, 'They're not insubstantial. They're in English.'"

"Hillary Clinton says she's working on her memoirs, and they'll cover her husband's infidelities. She's already halfway through. She's on volume twenty-seven."

"Kathie Lee Gifford plays an actress who's a junkie in Spinning Out of Control. I know what you're thinking: 'Kathie Lee playing an actress?!'"

"When someone told George W. that if he makes Colin Powell Secretary of State that'll be the highest office ever held by a black American, George W. said, 'He's black? I hope Dad knows what he's doing.'"

"The Department of Transportation says many Americans will travel more than a hundred miles to be with their loved ones — and give thanks that they live more than a hundred miles from their loved ones."

"Among the entries rejected for the Macy's parade was the Registered Sex Offender Float. The least popular entry was the Great Inflatable Chad Float."

"Luciano Pavorotti gave such a poor performance at the Trump casino in Atlantic City that Donald Trump asked his for half his fee back. Pavoratti got so mad he went on a fifteen-minute hunger strike."

"Joe Lieberman has to avoid anything that's not kosher, so he's staying away from the Florida recount."

"Beaver College has changed its name to Arcadia College, but it hasn't stopped the jokes. Now make students talk about 'getting some Arcadia.'"

"There are elections in Canada this week — or as George W. Bush calls it, 'the other Wisconsin.'"

Guest Chris Elliott:
"Last time I saw you was just before you had a quadruple bypass. Is that right? No, wait; you're the one who had the penile implant."
"My wife and I exchange gifts for Thanksgiving. I gave her some Godiva chocolates, and she gave me a blanket infected with smallpox."

Guest Louis C.K.: "Today I saw a really attractive woman from the back, so I ran up to see the front, and it was my dad."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"The oldest woman in America has died. Her last words were, 'For God's sake, concede already.'"

"I was addressing my Christmas cards and got stuck on Robert Downey, Jr. How many e's in 'penitentiary'? When Robert heard the cops outside his door, he immediately flushed his career down the toilet."

"In the magical land where I bought my wife, angry Filipino mobs protested against President Estrada."

"Three of the four Monkees are going to reunite. Their new theme song is 'Hey, Hey, We're Out of Money.'"

"Dr. David Reuben turned 67, and he's coming out with a new book: Everything You Always Wanted to Remember About Sex."

"Oprah is finally marrying Steadman Graham, after he said those three little words: 'Put me down.' He plans to carry her over the threshold — in three trips."

"George W. Bush is moving into the White House tomorrow. His daddy kept a key."

On his guest appearance on The View: "I did what most men do on The View. I pretended to listen."

"Ellen DeGeneres and her new girlfriend have broken up. Come on, fellas."

"In the Macy's parade gas started escaping from the Al Roker float, and it wasn't a float."

"You know what Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are serving for Thanksgiving this year — time."

"102 Dalmatians is coming out. The critics said the original lacked one dalmatian."

"Southern California is turning sewage into tap water. 'Hurry up in there. I need to make soup.'"

"Magician David Blaine will encase himself in a block of ice for three days, hoping to set a new record for world's smallest testicles. His next feat will be to try to listen to a whole Kathie Lee cd."

"A train carrying three planes crashed. Only Amtrak can crash three planes at once. The train ran in to a car towing a boat."

"Here's a story about a crack house that was turned into a senior citizens' home. The good news is that the Rolling Stones didn't even have to move."

"The latest thing is personal trainers for kids. 'Do these pull-up diapers make my ass look big?'"

"Michael Jackson says he wishes he'd been a normal boy. Michael, you gave up the right to be a normal boy when you turned yourself into a white woman who sleeps with a chimp."

"A Denny's in Florida got in trouble when a man dressed as a woman used the ladies room. That's nothing. They have men in the kitchen impersonating cooks."

Guest Ron Howard said that when Hollywood wouldn't let him direct he considered doing a porn film, Opie Gets Laid.

Guest Al Franken: "Katherine Harris was head of the Bush campaign in Florida, and it's also her job to certify the votes. If I had that big a conflict of interest, I'd go for a softer look."

Guest Eric McCormack (Will on Will & Grace): "Craig, you were considered for the part of my new boyfriend, but the producers didn't know if you'd be believable as a sportscaster."


Week ending December 8, 2000

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"I think Gore's just trying to annoy us into making him President. Why don't we just make him President of Florida?"

"O.J. Says he voted in Florida. At last, a Florida voter we know can stab through a piece of paper."

"Gore says he's fighting for principles. I wish he'd done a little more of that during the Clinton administration."

"Robert Downey, Jr. could be straightened out before this election is. Robert was in a hotel room with a stripper, doing cocaine and crystal meth — a traditional Hollywood Thanksgiving."

"David Spade's personal assistant attacked him with a stun gun. David's in stable but sarcastic condition. This may be God's way of telling him to get his own latte."

"David Blaine stayed in a six-ton block of ice for sixty-one hours. Why don't we just freeze Gore and Bush in ice and then thaw out whichever one eventually wins?"

"This election problem is spreading. Now they're having recountdowns at Cape Canaveral."

"Bush said he didn't think the Supreme Court justices were ready to hear the election case. They were still in their robes. For the first time they're releasing the Supreme Court proceedings on audio. So Kathie Lee's cd falls another notch."

"That truck with the ballots is heading north, and the stock market is heading south."

"Did you read about the woman who found a whole chicken head in her order at McDonald's? Their motto is, 'You deserve a beak today.'"

"About 7% of California drivers say they read a book while driving. Californians reading?"

"Did you ever notice the Playboy Advisor tells you about your love life and your car problems? Do you generally go to the garage and say, 'Clem, I'm bothered by sexual dysfunction.'"

"Have you seen that special The Christmas Nightmare? The Ghost of Christmas Future visits, and we still don't have a President."

"Scientists say by 2030 100% of Americans will be overweight. How heavy will Clinton's girlfriends be then?"

"Clinton says he may run for Mayor of New York. Then it would be known as 'The City That Never Sleeps Alone.'"

"Customs agents found five pounds of cocaine in cans of dog food. How dumb is that? If the drug-sniffing dogs don't detect the cocaine, they'll still go for the dog food."

Guest Sean Connery: "It's been so long since I've been on your show, I'd forgotten how dreadful you are."

All these are from the end of last week. Jay was on vacation this week.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Bumping Uglies: Men can cut their risk of heart attacks in half by having sex three or four times a week. It's even better if the sex lasts more than twenty minutes. This is no problem for most men, who can last an hour — twenty minutes to talk her into it, thirty minutes waiting for her to get ready, two minutes of sex, and eight minutes explaining that this has never happened before."

"Spin, Lose or Draw: Vice President Al Gore has not yet begun to succeed, and there are growing fears that the Vice President is running out of ways to lose."

"Eleven Large: U.S. Senate freshman orientation. Hillary Clinton found one classmate to study with and another just for sex. The hardest course? Learning to understand Strom Thurmond."

"In Cold Sap:" Correspondent Mo Rocca interviewed a couple whose 90-year-old spruce tree vanished from their yard. Mo: "The 50's, the Eisenhower years, where was the tree?" Couple: "Where the stump is now." Mo: "The day Kennedy was assassinated, where was the tree?" Couple: "Where the stump is now." Trying to trace the tree, Mo visited a furniture maker. When the artisan pulled back a sheet to reveal a piece of furniture, Mo fainted. Mo interviewed the head of an old folks home to see if maybe a 90-year-old might just wander off. He also suspected Richard Jewel. Then he found the tree in Rockefeller Center and told the couple, "I know how painful it must be for you to see your tree all tarted up like this." Mo promised to "stop Al Roker before he can make another such pagan sacrifice."

On magician David Blaine's stunt: "What's worse than finding a bug frozen in your ice cube? Finding a bearded man in a six-ton block of ice in Times Square."

Correspondent Frank DeCaro on The Grinch: "Jim Carrey and Ron Howard have taken a charming story about the evils of commercialism and turned it into a movie that's both evil and commercial."

Correspondent Mo Rocca, interviewing a woman with a pet pig: "I'm sure your pig is very sweet, and succulent. If I were to offer you $500 for the bottom half of your pig ..."

Correspondent Lewis Black was arrested as part of a First Amendment protest, driving through Manhattan in a bus with topless dancers. Lewis: "In jail I met a guy who said, 'I'm your biggest fan, and I'm getting bigger every minute.' Luckily, all charges were dropped, and I think I'm engaged."

Guest Anthony Clark:
"A child is too old to breast feed when he can unhook mommy's bra with one hand."
"I went to Sydney for the Olympics, but I could only get tickets for synchronized swimming. I hate to say this, but I prayed for one of them to get a cramp, because, if I understand the rules correctly, if one of them drowns, they all have to."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Al Gore says his chances of still winning the election are 50 - 50. George W. says his chances are 70 - 50."

"Thousands of ballots were driven from Palm Beach to Tallahassee in a rented truck — with it's turn signal blinking the entire time."

"To that woman who's suing them because she found a chicken head in her order of wings, McDonald's said, 'We don't put real chickens in our wings.'"

"Clinton has almost finished his memoirs. He just needs a few more synonyms for 'boinked.'"

Guest Billy Connelly: "More people didn't vote than did vote, so we should have no President. Give the White House to the homeless and get on with our lives."

Conan was on vacation this week.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Two words send a shiver down the spine of anyone planning an inauguration party — Ted Kennedy."

"The Iceman Faketh: When magician David Blaine emerged from the block of ice in Times Square, crowds were on hand, ready to mock, jeer and pee on him."

"A woman in Virginia found an entire chicken head in her Chicken McNuggets. 'Excuse me, ma'am, would you like nightmares for the rest of your life with that?'"

"In Britain Princess Anne turned fifty today. That's seventy-eight in dog years."

"Now there's an invention that lets you take a bath in your bed. It's called a twelve-pack."


Week ending December 15, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Stop applauding. The Supreme Court has ordered you to stop applauding."

"I want to thank the members of the Supreme Court. You really cleared up that mess."

"All those lawyers are leaving Florida. They're all calling American and trying to book seats in shyster class. And James Baker was back at the first tee of his restricted country club."

"George W. Bush is already working on his first foreign policy blunder. And his inauguration speech is already twelve cocktail napkins long."

"Bush's lawyer, Joseph Klock, keeps getting the Supreme Court Justices' names wrong. Today he said, 'Screw it. I'll take Whoopee Goldberg to block.'"

"Dick Cheney is putting Bush's make-believe Cabinet together. And until this is resolved, he's rescheduled all his heart attacks. Meanwhile, George W. was hosting a Christmas party. He gave himself a lethal injection of eggnog. Al and Tipper Gore are looking for a life out of politics. They're looking for a house in one of the blue states."

"Al Gore has turned into a balloon. He got on a scale this morning and demanded a recount."

Canadian Election Update: "Day 14: On Nov. 27 Canadians re-elected the liberal incumbent by a landslide. He is still the winner. We'll keep you posted."

"Today I threw some coins into a sidewalk Santa's kettle, and he said, 'Hey, dumbass, you ruined the soup.'"

"We had a rough crowd last night. Three of my jokes were reversed."

"I'm upset. NASA has this new space station or treehouse or something up there with these enormous solar panels. It's the third brightest light in the night sky. People are calling, 'It's so bright we can't sleep at night.' 'Daddy, it hurts my eyes.' NASA says if they get fifty complaints they'll take the thing down."

Clinton Classics:
From 7/00: "They say Kenneth Starr has a photo of Monica Lewinsky looking into President Clinton's eyes. She must have been using a periscope."
From 12/99: "President Clinton has sprained his back, but don't worry about him. He's in the West Wing packed in hot interns."
From 8/00: "Al Gore has selected Joe Lieberman as his running mate. Lieberman will be the first Jewish person to work directly under a President since, well, Monica Lewinsky."

Guest Todd Barry:
"Most cities don't have a Malaysian restaurant. New York has a gay one. Even Malaysia probably doesn't have one of those."
"I'm turned on by tattooed women. 'What's that on your shoulder? A soy bean? I thought it was a Rice Crispy, but that would be ridiculous.'"

Guest Orny Adams: "I'm single by choice. Not my choice."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Well, Gilligan beat the Professor. George W. hasn't been this happy since his dad got him into the National Guard. But he may not be President long. Everyone who works at the White House has to take a drug test. Bush spent the morning at the mall, buying gifts for five of the Supreme Court Justices."

"I remember when the President picked the Supreme Court Justices and not the other way around."

"Gore is different from Clinton. At least Clinton knows when he's been licked."

"I'm proud of NBC. We announced five weeks ago that Bush was the winner."

"Christmas is here. In Texas they've already started executing elves."

"A-Rod isn't the highest paid athlete. Shaq gets $114,000,000 for four years. That works out to $114,000,000 per successful free throw."

"I still love that Virginia woman who found a chicken head in her McNuggets. At first she thought it was a Mick Jagger action figure. Actually, it's just McDonald's new voodoo meal."

"The Supreme Court heard oral arguments. Clinton says an oral argument isn't a real argument. After the Supreme Court where can Gore go? The Federation of Planets? But Bush is calm. Well, this is the first time he's been in court when no breathalyzer is involved."

"Ex-President Bush had hip replacement surgery. He wanted to have it done before his son's health care plan kicks in and he can't afford it. He threw his hip out carrying ballot boxes to where his son was burying them."

"Senator Strom Thurmond turned 98. A registered nurse jumped out of a bran muffin."

"Apparently O.J. ran through a stop sig;, another motorist flashed his lights at him, and O.J. grabbed the guy's glasses and scratched his face. So Bush is the second-luckiest guy to survive Florida."

"Clinton's in Ireland. He not only kissed the Blarney Stone, he slipped it the tongue. Then he's going to visit the British Royal Family. That should remind him of Arkansas — three generations in the same house, everybody with bad teeth."

"In Texas quarterback Troy Aikman suffered his tenth concussion. Two more and they make you governor. Terry Bradshaw only had eight, and have you ever talked with him?"

Talk about Christmas spirit! 7-11 is selling reindeer jerky. But retailers say there's no hot toy this year. Even the little voters are undecided."

"California is having an energy shortage. Instead of lighting the Hollywood sign, David Spade's personal assistant is going to keep zapping him with that stun gun."

"They had 22 inches of snow in Chicago, but not all the flakes were counted. O'Hare had more cancellations than NBC."

"A woman was in court because she's still breast-feeding her five-year-old kid. And you thought you were embarrassed when your mom brought your lunch to school."

"It turns out people who sell those fake perfumes have been using human urine as an ingredient. So when you thought you were buying Chanel #5, it may have been #1."

"The latest thing with health nuts is coffee enemas. There's a Taster's Choice commercial you don't want to see. The best part of waking up is Folgers in your butt."

"Stanford University has developed a drug to help women who are compulsive shoppers. It goes on sale this week, 50% off."

"A man in India is selling his fingernails, which are four feet long. But the weirdest thing is what he does for a living. He's a proctologist."

Corporate Mergers:
Kitchen Aid and 'NSync are becoming Kitchen Sync
Crayola and The Gap are becoming Crap
UPS and Essentially Yours are becoming Up Yours

Christmas TV Specials:
Mike Tyson in All I Want for Christmas is to Kill You and Eat Your Children
Hillary Clinton in Frosty the Senator
My Name's Rudolph, But That's Not My Red Nose
George W. Bush in The Little Dumber Boy

Monday Night Headlines:
Menu: "Chicken (in season)"
Headline: "Englis Teachers Needed"
Ad: "We vacuum and do widows."
Police Log: "Assault on Battery Street"
"Want Work-Free Drug Place?"
A funeral home logo was a hot dog with a jar of mustard

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"On the Supreme Court George W. Bush got 100% of the African-American vote, which is usually Democratic. Al Gore got more votes nationally, which is sort of funny. I'm sure Gore got a kick out of it."

"Listening to Al Gore's speech, I blacked out when he said 'President-Elect Bush.' Did he concede? What do we do now? Did O.J. or Monica do anything today?"

Listening to Bush's speech:
Bush: "I was not elected to serve one party."
Jon: "You weren't even elected."

Bush: "I ask you to pray for this great nation."
Jon: "We're way ahead of you."

"My advice to the nation would be the same as Andrew Jackson's at another time of trouble: horde gold!"

"Elector Complex: The Florida legislature is going to pick the electors. First will be Cheatie McStealforbush."

"The Supreme Court has decided — no more black robes. From now on, pastels."

"Nail Safe: A man who has been growing his fingernails since he was 16 wants to sell them to the highest bidder. They're so long he has to carry them in a shoulder man bag. He's already refused an offer of $100,000. He'll probably sell them to the man who has the world's largest envelope to open."

"Indecision 5761: Israeli Prime Minister Barak resigned so he could run again. New elections will be held Feb. 6, right after Israeli Groundhog Day, when there will be either six more weeks of winter or four thousand more years of Arab-Israeli conflict."

"Most people agree the best thing about the media is its ability to jump instantly to the wrong conclusion."

"Courting Disaster: Bush v. Gore: Bush and Gore are the only two still waiting, and only one of them knows what for. Joseph Klock, attorney for Katherine Harris, kept getting the names of the Supreme Court Justices wrong." Correspondent Vance DeGeneres: "Gore's lawyer didn't endear himself to Sandra Day O'Connor by saying, 'Well, Missy, let's be quiet while the men are talking.'"

Correspondent Nancy Walls: "Gore made many critical errors, including accepting the Vice Presidency. He was Clinton's bitch for eight years. But his mistakes started way back at Vanderbilt University Divinity School, when he embraced the idea that there is justice in the world. Huge mistake. Huge."

Correspondent Mo Rocca: "George W. Bush was delighted his father would be President again. When he found he himself was the President, he was appalled that now he'd have to sleep with his mother."

Correspondent Stephen Colbert on Bush's Presidency: "He will make whores of our wives and slaves of our children. End of day one."

Correspondent Stephen Colbert: "Al Gore has exhausted the American appeal process. Now he's going straight to the Hall of Justice. The X-Men will decide. However, Bush has filed a brief with the Tribunal of Evil in the Hall of Doom."

Correspondent Nancy Walls: "Madonna is rubbing her nuptials in our faces again. Her wedding is going to be in Scotland, which is odd, since her fake accent sounds Welsh."

Correspondent Dave Attell: "A man can't wear lingerie. A man's underwear has to be tough and rugged, able to hold up for days and even weeks. Likewise, men can't shave their private areas unless they have an accident with gum, say. And a man can't win an argument in pajamas, because his pecker pops out of that little hole in the front."

Correspondent Stephen Colbert interviewed circus freaks in Tallahassee who were irate at hearing the Bush-Gore thing called a sideshow: "Do you think you would still have voted for Bush if you didn't have a spike in your head?"

Guest Ira Glass of NPR's "This American Life:" "The porn version of this election is 14,000 voters showing up in front of Katherine Harris and demanding a hand recount."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Political analysts fear that half the country won't accept the new President. Bush isn't worried. He says the country will see him as legitimable."

"Last night the only way Al Gore could get to sleep was by recounting sheep."

"Hillary Clinton has been offered $8,000,000 to write her memoirs. Bill Clinton is offering her $10,000,000 not to."

Guest Tom Arnold: "I play Santa for Jewish kids."

Guest Sarah Silverman:
"I was going to get a dog, but I travel so much, it wouldn't be fair to the dog. So I think I'm going to have a baby instead."
"When I was eight my dad told me he had to see hookers because my mom was frigid. I appreciated his honesty."
"I bought a thong, but I didn't know how to wear it. Luckily it came with directions: 'Shove it up your ass.'"

"I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26 — 19 vaginally."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"President of the United States, George W. ... Wow, it's hard to say."

"This just in — our new President is white."

"George W. Bush is threatening to hold his breath until he's made President."

"I was at a party with Star Jones. I caught her eye and pointed to the mistletoe — between her teeth."

"A man in London cheated on his wife, and she bit off one of his testicles. Cheating in London takes serious ball."

"Hillary Clinton is visiting Great Britain, where she was mistaken for Stonehenge."

"Courtney Love has landed a role in the new James Bond movie. She'll play Octoskanky."

"The world's oldest man has died at 111. The cause of death was listed as 'his heart fell out of his ass.'"

Guest Sean Cullen: "Meat Loaf. It's nice seeing someone so large make it so big.


Week ending December 22, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Well, Bush has appointed our new Attorney General — Della Reese. Bush has appointed two women so far, but to be fair, no one has put women in more positions than Bill Clinton."

"Our first guest has bounced back nicely after being fired from E.R. Here's George Clooney."

Dave had a special show for the troops in Tuzla, Bosnia. "You're 85% male and 15% female. That's also how they describe Janet Reno. I don't know if you've heard about the election. We have a new President, and it went very smoothly."

"Today Clinton turned over the keys to the interns. He was also seen hanging the mistletoe under his desk."

"George W. toured the White House today and asked Clinton, 'Where should I forward your subpoenas? And could the young lady please stop that until we're finished talking?'"

"Last night Al Gore gave the speech of his life. Nice timing, Al."

"It's time to put the partisan rancor behind us and bring out the bipartisan rancor. Incidentally, Katherine Harris has just been named MVP. The transition is going smoothly, though — from pervert to nitwit."

"For everybody who wondered what it would have been like if Dan Quayle were President, well, there you go."

"This morning Laura Bush woke up in bed with the President of the United States. That's something only three or four thousand women have done."

"Bush had a busy day today. He met with Congressional leaders, visited the White House and saw Dude, Where's My Car?"

"Here's a story about the liquid being removed from cow manure, leaving only solids. The liquid is then sold to Dr. Pepper."

"The holidays are so busy, New York has had to hire four thousand temporary hookers."

"Every Christmas I buy myself a dozen sweaters. Then after the holidays I return these 'gifts' so people will think I have friends."

"If you didn't get your packages in the mail today, they won't be lost in time for Christmas."

"Welcome to New York, where every tourist is a walking ATM machine."

"During the holidays the New York police are drawing their body outlines with artificial snow."

"Florida is changing its election system so next time the Republicans can steal the votes more smoothly."

"A political crisis is just no fun without Clinton."

Clinton Classics:
From 8/99: "For President Clinton's 53rd birthday his friends bought a cake with 53 candles. In a nice change he did the blowing."
From 7/99: "It's so hot in Washington that interns were going under Clinton's desk just for the shade."
From 12/99: "Bill Clinton gave Al Gore a Big Mouth Billy Bass for Christmas — just like the one he himself has been using since Monica left."
From 4/98:
"Prosecutor Ken Starr says he has 78 photos of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky — most of them head shots."

Guest Robert Klein: "Don't tell me who won the election. I'm taping it."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"In the latest Clinton scandal he kissed the Blarney Stone, and it now has herpes."

"Until last week I thought President Bush was just a nickname for Bill Clinton."

"The bidding on Hillary Clinton's memoirs has reached $7,000,000. The title is When You're Done With Her, I'd Like to Talk to You for a Minute."

"Hillary has now been offered $8,000,000 for her memoirs. Bill has offered to cheat again to help her drive the price up. Hillary has agreed to write about Bill's affair with Monica. That chapter's called 'A Double-Wide Is Not Just a Trailer.' At least we know George W. won't be writing any books."

"Clinton wants to do a talk show on NBC — sort of like Meet the Press, except it would be more Press the Meat. And don't they already have Sex in the City? In Clinton's show the guests will be under the desk. It'll be called Touched By a President."

"Bush appointed his new Surgeon General today — Dr. Dre. Bush is appointing a lot of women and minorities. That's because he grew up in a rich household where that's who did all the actual work. Somebody gave Bush a puppy. At least it'll probably cause fewer stains on the carpet than Clinton."

"Calista Flockhart fainted on the set of Ally McBeal. She was kissing Robert Downey, Jr. and O.D.'d."

"That Mexican volcano is having a huge eruption. Lava was seen flowing across our border."

"Cloning humans is now legal in England. They should learn how to make a decent hamburger first."

"This year I'm giving all my women friends gift certificates from Victoria's Secret, and all my men friends catalogs from Victoria's Secret. But NBC gave me a chia fruitcake. You put it in water, and it grows fur. Ugh. The weirdest gift is a package from a pharmacy that has drugs for obesity, baldness and impotence."

"Did you know you can get reindeer sausage in Finland?" [Jay held up a sausage which glowed red on the end. Poor Rudolph!]

"George W. Bush has already named more blacks to his Administration than voted for him."

"Hillary Clinton and Laura Bush had tea today. They actually have a lot in common. Neither knows what her husband is doing in the Oval Office. But at the beginning, Laura couldn't get out of the limo because the door had frozen shut. Hillary had been staring at it."

"George W. Bush met with Al Gore today. It was cordial, but Bush finally had to tell him, 'Al, I'm just not interested in any Amway products today.'"

"It takes the average man two minutes to have sex, and he's asleep within seven minutes after that — which is sort of dangerous, because by that time most men are driving home."

"In What Women Want Mel Gibson can hear what women think. A normal guy would hate that. He's trying to watch the game and has to tune out two voices."

"When Al Gore called George W. Bush 'my President,' did you think it was like when Hillary calls Bill 'my husband?'"

"President-Barely-Elect George W. Bush asked all Americans to pray for him. I think he's being a hog. He's already gotten his miracle. He says he's going to have a modest inauguration. The stars in attendance will be Mickey Rooney, Charlton Heston and Brooke Shields. What were the chances of those three all being available?"

"Bush says he'll use his National Guard experience in helping him run the military. I guess he'll be Commander in Chief one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer. And, you know, he may have the first Presidential Library where all the books are on tape."

"And Clinton's not going to go out quietly. He's going to be rigging the White House like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone."

"Bush's Secret Service code name is 'Tumbler.' Dick Cheney's is 'Clear!'"

"I was stuck in line at Kinko's today for three hours behind Al Gore, who was running off his resume. Gore says he's going to take some time off. We can be pretty sure he won't vacation in Florida. Florida says they're going to fix their voting machines. But as long as the Supreme Court is fixed, why bother? And now the Florida courts can go back to what they do best — sentencing Darryl Strawberry."

"Anyway, it's over, and we can go back to simpler times, when Dangling Chad was just a friend of Richard Simmons."

"Stanford University has developed a drug to cure compulsive shoppers. No matter what your buy, it makes your ass look big."

"The inventor of the cue card has died. Hollywood has been left speechless."

"Jerry Springer had a seven hundred pound man on. And to make it even crueler, the camera added ten pounds."

"The NFL fined the St. Louis Rams for a celebratory dance in the end zone and the San Diego Chargers for celebrating crossing the fifty yard line."

"It's Nostradamus's birthday. He was born in 1530. His final prediction? Sell Priceline.com."

"A court ruled against a 300-pound woman who was suing Southwest Airlines for making her buy two seats. What's worse, they were both window seats."

Guest Mel Gibson said he and all his kids shaved their heads with Bic razors: "We're a family of Bic-heads."

Clinton vs. Bush:
Older but wiser vs. orders Budweiser
Don't ask, don't tell vs. don't ask, don't know
Lady killer vs. executioner
Embarrassed by DNA vs. embarrassed by DUI
Two-faced vs. s***-faced

Monday Night Headlines:
"Cremation Makes Human Identification Harder"
Ad: "Disney on Ice — Beauty & the Breasts"
Ad: "Whole Turdey Dinners"
Ad: "Kosher Pork Chops"
Headline: "Bush Pulls It Out"
Headline: "No One Knows What the Future Holds, But We Can Take a Pee"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Dude, Where's My Car? just opened, and they're already working on the sequel: Oh, There It Is."

"Transition Impossible: Bush in Washington."

"Boy to the World: The George W. Bush era begins. Ralph Nader says, 'Why are you all looking at me like that?' Our long national nightmare is over, and our new national nightmare is about to begin. Clinton says, 'Boy, if I could have just kept it in my pants, things would have been so different."

"In January the new Survivor will be opposite Friends — It will be real people undergoing hardships to become celebrities vs. celebrities pretending to undergo hardships to appear real."

Madonna: Times of London headline: "Whore to Marry Guy Ritchie."

Correspondent Vance DeGeneres on buying gifts on-line: "Many on-line businesses have closed, but the internet still offers abundant options to discriminating shoppers, as long as what they want is porn."

Correspondent Lewis Black: "Dick Cheney is supervising the construction of an electric chair on the White House lawn."

Correspondent Lewis Black: "The Germans have cut down trees planted in a swastika formation sixty years ago by a Nazi. Duh. They've left a swastika-shaped hole in the forest."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Al Gore says he has no idea what he's going to do now. In his speech, George W. Bush said the same thing."

"Bush says he's looking forward to working with Senator Hillary Clinton. Hillary's used to being lied to by the President."

"George W. Bush's Secret Service name is 'Tumbler.' that's because 'Bumbler' was already taken by Dan Quayle."

"Bush went to church this Sunday, and the minister compared him to Moses. I think it's because he was lost for forty years."

"A majority of the people surveyed believe Gore will beat Bush in 2004. Not become President. Just win."

"Michael Jackson denied that he's converting to Judaism. He said, 'It was hard enough converting to Caucasianism.'"

"That small Scottish town expects to make $2,000,000 from the tourists attracted by Madonna's wedding. So they've asked her to have her next few weddings there too."

"In a stage production of The Wizard of Oz in England, Toto got fired for continually humping Dorothy's leg. The producer had him fixed, but the Wizard gave him new testicles."

"This season's worst toy is Barbie's Malibu Crackhouse."

Guest Bill Braudis:
"They say you can't tell guys are gay just by looking. But if two guys are kissing, you can figure at least one of them's gay."
"My two nieces are very cute, five and three. Those are their names."
"When I was a kid we made money by going to the houses of people who hadn't shoveled their snow, slipping and suing them."
"To quit smoking my dad tried that thing with the needles. What do you call it? Heroin. He loves it!"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Madonna's intended Guy Ritchie is living every man's dream — marrying a forty-year-old single mother who's slept with half the phone book. During sex she yells, 'Guy! Guy!' and he doesn't know if she's calling his name or just being generic.""

"Keith Richards turned 57 today. It's a pity he didn't live to see it."

"Bush wants to get his Cabinet in place by January so he can start memorizing their names."

"From the land where people grow on trees, China's General Motors has started rolling out cars for the Asian market. Consumers say, 'The power steering's great, but where do we hook up the oxen?'"

"I know what men want — not to have to sit through What Women Want."

"There's a man who runs a reindeer farm, but so far none have survived the toss off the roof."

"I wonder if I'll have a mid-life crisis. Will I want to cheat on my hooker?"

"Here's a clip of the annual biker Tijuana Toy Run. They're known for their lavish donations of toys to poor children and money to hookers."

"Brooke Shields will perform at Bush's inauguration. Perform what?"

"Bob Guccione of Penthouse turned 70 today. That's 140 in doggy style years."

"It went so well Al Gore's already writing his concession speech for 2004."

"Now that he's leaving office, President Clinton asked Queen Elizabeth for tips on sitting around on your fat ass all day doing nothing."

"The Chernobyl nuclear plant has finally been closed. Chernobyl is the Russian word for Amtrak."

"They've come out with disposable hearing aids. Why would you want to throw your hearing aid away?" [Photo of Barbra Streisand.] "Oh yeah."


Week ending December 29, 2000

Late Night Joke of the Week:

"At Madonna's wedding they used an asbestos Bible so it wouldn't burst into flames." — Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Well, Christmas is over in New York. All the sidewalk Santas have gone back to selling crack. This year, when I got my tree home and hooked up the lights, out fell an electrocuted rat. I sent Mom back to Indiana first class. If she'd been any closer to the front, she'd have been driving that bus."

"Santa visited Al Gore. They met for fifteen minutes, and the visit was described as 'cordial.'"

"George W. Bush and his wife Laura were walking along a Florida beach, and up washed three hundred Al Gore ballots." 

"Ah, winter in New York. Today in Central Park I saw a squirrel standing over a manhole cover steaming his nuts. It's so cold in New York that those people in Florida don't look so dumb anymore. It's so cold Mayor Giuliani has zipped the winter lining into his combover. It's so cold flashers are just describing themselves. It's so cold George W. Bush needs a space heater between his ears. It's so cold hookers are passing out flannel condoms."

"You can tell it's the Christmas season. Stores are selling off their expired milk as eggnog. And that guy who gives me the finger every morning as I come to work? Today he gave me the finger and a nice bottle of cologne."

"The Fugitive on CBS got into the holiday spirit. The hero went from department store to department store looking for a one-armed sweater."

"Madonna has given some tips for a happy marriage (she just married Guy Ritchie, who directed Snatch):
The wedding reception is a great place to meet guys. It takes two to make a successful marriage work — and five or six to make it interesting."

"It's been so busy at the Post Office this year they've had to add 3,000,000 'This Window Closed' signs."

"Shopping is crazy. Today I saw two Amish women fighting over a microwave. And in New York if you want to get a Christmas tree it costs you $50. And if you want it tied to the roof of your car ... Wait a minute. That's the deal for a hooker."

"Shopping for my Mom is easy this year. I just go to ebooze.com."

"Madonna is getting married. I just hope it doesn't turn into a media circus. Unlike Madonna, the wedding is not open to the public."

Guest Anthony Clark: "For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti."

Clinton Classics:
From 9/98: The Democrats are accusing the Republicans of putting words in Monica Lewinsky's mouth. That's not bad, considering what else has been in there."
From 9/99: "President Clinton did some renovation work at a school today, drilling holes in a desk. It's nice seeing him drilling something that won't get him impeached."
From 2/88: "It's so cold in D.C. that interns were actually blowing on Clinton's hands."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The day after Christmas is like the day after the senior prom. Everybody asking each other, 'What did you get?'"

"George W. Bush is on vacation. He loves golf, because it's like the election — low score wins."

"Madonna's on her honeymoon. That's a lot of pressure on Guy Ritchie. Think of trying to come up with something she hasn't done before."

"Richard Simmons is on the show tonight. He's the only person Santa ever asked to get off his lap."

"The Huskies are in town. They went to the Playboy Mansion and Magic Mountain. Both places they got a great ride."

"Clinton did his shopping at the last minute at the mall. He spent $200 at Victoria's Secret, and then he picked up something for Hillary at Radio Shack. You know, Clinton's going to be getting $125,000 per speech after he leaves office. There's only one speech worth that much — the one where he told Hillary about Monica."

"Tom Hanks is in that new movie where he's marooned on an island for four years. You know how he finally got off? The student loan people tracked him down."

"Anna Nicole Smith is going to take her half billion dollars and open her own Las Vegas casino. In blackjack you hit on 90."

"Ru Paul says it takes him an hour and a half to turn himself into a woman. So if your woman takes an hour and a half to get ready, you may be in for a big surprise."

"A study shows that after four drinks men can't perform sexually. So in a bar, get the other guys drunk."

"The MIR space station may fall to Earth, but scientists say they'll be able to calculate within two centimeters where it will land. Yet on a free throw Shaq stands fifteen feet from the basket and can't get it in."

"Firestone is coming out with a new guarantee on their tires. If you aren't satisfied after thirty days, your next of kin can return the tires for a full refund."

"The average man has eight drinks a week — our first proof that George W. Bush is above average."

"George W. Bush has resigned as Governor of Texas. It's the first time he's ever resigned from a job without going bankrupt first. They're still going to let him stop by and execute people. Oh, and in his appointments, today Bush ran out of black Republicans. And there's a new dog coming to the White House. Not an intern, an actual dog. It'll carry on the tradition of always having someone on all fours in the Oval Office."

"John Ashcroft is going to be the new Attorney General. George W. called him a 'major-league Ashcroft,' and Dick Cheney said, 'Big time.'"

"Bush goes to bed at 9:30. His favorite food is peanut butter and jelly. He calls his father 'Daddy," and he's bringing his baseball card collection with him to the White House. It sounds like he's President of the third grade."

"7-11 is coming out with their own credit card, for people who can't meet the high K-Mart standards."

"Bill Clinton wants to do a weekly talk show on NBC. It'll be called Whose Wife Is It Anyway?"

"Clinton revealed the three things he'd still like to do before he leaves office — the Dixie Chicks." 

"NASA is sending a robot to explore Pluto. I knew something would open up for Al Gore."

"It's really cold back East. In D.C. it was five degrees below Hillary. In Beverly Hills Jack Frost not only nips your nose, he tucks your tummy and enlarges your breasts."

"Madonna is really looking forward to her wedding night. She's been practicing for it all her life. She's getting married in that castle hotel, and she gave the bellboy a tip: 'Stay away from Elton John.' I sent her a wedding gift. I hope it gets there before the divorce. This is the first time the bride also worked the bachelor party. You want to get them a gift? Counselling for the kids."

"Swissair now says their stewardesses can slap passengers who make passes at them, and even tie them up if they misbehave. Some men pay a lot of money for that sort of thing. And you get peanuts. In first class you can upgrade to a bare-bottom spanking."

"Survivor 2 is going to be on Thursday nights opposite Friends. NBC is a lot like Survivor. Every week a show is voted off the network."

"Calvin Klein has come out with two new political fragrances: Al Gore's Concession and George Bush's Recession."

"I wasn't worried about the economy until I heard Alan Greenspan has taken a second job, just in case."

"Hillary hung a stocking in the Oval Office. Bill came in and automatically hid it under the couch."

"A female jail guard has been arrested for coercing male inmates into having sex with her. How unattractive must she be, especially when you consider who men in jail usually have sex with?"

"A study shows it takes men two minutes to have sex, and they're usually asleep within seven minutes. So now Viagra comes with caffeine — helps guys stay awake during that talking part."

"I got a seed catalog today that advertises inflatable scarecrows. How lonely a gardener would you have to be?"

Tuesday Night Headlines:
Ad: "See Santa at Viking's Liquor Store."
Ad: "Drop in for a free hot god."
Ad: "Free massage with purchase of soft drink."
A rewards poster had $10,000 and $5,000 rewards for several criminals and then one for $3.50.
Ad: "If you have schizophrenia, you are not alone."
Classified ad: "Freezer — marriage was cold enough. Freezer wasn't needed."
Headline: "Peering into the depths of irritable bowel syndrome."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

2000 in Review:
"John Rocker was the Jackie Robinson of people who don't like people like Jackie Robinson."
"It was the end of dot.coms. Remember, you used to work for one."
"The best story of the year is a tie between the monks who pulled a truck with their penises and the guy who got his head stuck up an elephant's butt."
"Florida — a raft, the crazy Miami relatives, Katherine Harris's pre-dawn raid, and at the center of it all, a confused little boy, George W. Bush."

Correspondent Frank DeCaro on the movies of the year: "Vertical Limit — the final score: K2, audience 0. And What Women Want. Who cares?"

The Daily Show was in reruns this week.

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"When George W. learned he was Time's Man of the Year he said, 'Really? My brother Jeb picks that too?'"

"George W. Bush resigned as Governor of Texas today. As a going-away present, they let him execute fifteen prisoners."

"Bush met with Alan Greenspan today. Bush had always thought the Federal Reserve was what he joined to get out of going to Vietnam."

"Madonna just got married, and they've already had their first fight. He wanted to go sightseeing, and she wanted to start seeing other people."

"Madonna says she won't sell her wedding photos to the media, because that would be vulgar. She will sell photos of the wedding night. Her wedding was traditional until the minister said, 'And now we may all kiss the bride.' An unidentified 50-year-old man crashed the wedding reception. Luckily, he was caught and put back on Air Force One."

"Justin Timberlake of 'NSync is being sued by a fifteen-year-old fan who says he verbally abused her — at the concert she attended he sang two encores."

"Governor Whitman of New Jersey was named head of the Environmental Protection Agency. She said her first act would be to close down New Jersey."

"A study shows that a man can't perform sexually after he's had four drinks — unless the woman has had eight drinks."

"A bar in New York is installing a breathalyzer. If you're drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you're very very drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Tomorrow night Kenny G will be on our show. He promises he'll bring his instrument — and his saxophone."

"Madonna's getting married, and today she had jitters. Jitters is the hotel bellboy. Hey, media people, lay off. Can't you just leave this publicity whore alone?"

"The Japanese have built a replica of the Statue of Liberty. Today four hundred tourists went inside her. No, wait, that was Madonna's wedding again."

"George W. Bush appointed John Ashcroft the new Attorney General, after he found out Perry Mason was just a fictional character."

"The two biggest scientific accomplishments in the year 2000 were 1) mapping the human genome and 2) Cher."

"George W. Bush has named his new dog Spot Fetcher. Clinton's was Spot Remover."

"The U.S. population topped 325,000,000 today, and the Post Office still won't open a second window."

 

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Books, CDs & DVDs Strange Finds Good &/or Funny

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Strange Books


Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.

Click for free text of Visioning.

 

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.

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What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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