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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night.

Strange's Last Night's Top 10 Late-Night Jokes
August 2011

late night hosts
 Click for Sue Trowbridge's Late-Night Lineups and Info.

Click for the funniest photos, videos and tweets of July.

I'll tweet you when the new jokes are posted: @strangedejim

August Strangies: Letterman 5, O'Brien 4, Kimmel 3, Ferguson 3, Stewart 2, Leno 2, Fallon 2, Handler 1

Wednesday, August 31
(O'Brien, Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Fallon guest Jim Gaffigan: If you want to know what it's like having four children, imagine you're drowning, and then somebody hands you a baby. We have three others, 7, 5 & 2. I should really learn their names. I did the right thing. When the new baby came I set the three down and told them I didn't love them any less, but I would have to let one of them go.

9. Jay Leno: I read Dick Cheney's book. I don't want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It's in the self-serving section.

8. Craig Ferguson guest Louie Anderson [a large comedian]: When I go camping the animals worry about ME. They put THEIR food up in the tree.

7. David Letterman: The CIA is hoping Moammar Khadafy's weapons won't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?

6. David Letterman: Today I walked up and down Broadway collecting driftwood. Were you guys here for Hurricane Irene? It was like having Charlie Sheen in town.

5. Chelsea Handler: Rob Kardashian is on "Dancing with the Stars." He says he's shy and doesn't want to do it, but his mother is making him. John Caparulo: "He's 24 and living at home. Dance, little bitch."

4. Jimmy Fallon: Elmhurst College in Illinois has become the first school in the country to ask applicants if they're gay or straight. Of course there's a third option: Ask me again at the end of the semester.

3. David Letterman: Jerry Lewis isn't going to be on the telethon this year. Tony, the cue card guy, has a theory. He thinks Jerry was pushed out by Leno.

2. Chelsea Handler: Tupac's rapper friends, The Outlaws, say they smoked his ashes at the funeral. Jeff Wild: It's a slippery slope. Pretty soon you could be up to Tupacs a day. If they smoked him again they took a Number Tupac.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Simon Cowell wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies. And it looks like his nipples are off to a head start.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 213 - Roland was staring at Tiffany, so nonplussed he was nearly minused.

214 - Now she looked at Roland and bobbed a little curtsy. "Unless you feel ENTIRELY confident enough to have me arrested, my lord, I am leaving."

215 - That was the problem with witchcraft: It was as if everybody needed the witches but hated the fact that they did, and somehow the hatred of the fact could become the hatred of the person.

218 - Tiffany hadn't seen very many dungeons, but people said that the one in the castle was pretty good by dungeon standards and would probably earn at least five ball-and-chains if anybody ever decided to writ a "Good Dungeon Guide." It was spacious and well drained, with a handy gutter right down the middle that ended up in the inevitable round hole, which did not smell very bad on, as it were, the whole.

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Tuesday, August 30
(O'Brien, Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: Headlines:
Schwarzenegger gives "The Help" two thumbs up.
Senior luncheon will no longer include lunch.
Free calico kitten. Part female.

9. Craig Ferguson: Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, "That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney."

8. Jimmy Fallon: The forecast for Labor Day weekend is for sunny skies and 20% chance of rain. Mayor Bloomberg is evacuating NYC "just in case."

7. Jay Leno: Virgin Air found that 40% of male passengers used a blanket to hide their tears while watching "Eat, Pray, Love." The other 60% openly wept when told the movie was "Eat, Pray, Love."

6. Craig Ferguson: If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a "Harry Potter" book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out.

5. Jay Leno: Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time.

4. Craig Ferguson: In New Mexico a state trooper was suspended for having sex on the hood of his car in broad daylight. Which just goes to show you I'll do anything to get out of a ticket.

3. Jimmy Fallon: Women gain more weight after a marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. And divorce usually happens after men mention the women have gained weight. After divorce, men gain the most weight, and women gain the most stuff.

2. David Letterman: Tonight is the 18th anniversary of this television program. Eighteen years, dozen of laughs. My only regret is that I didn't push someone else out of the job to get this gig.

1. David Letterman: After Hurricane Irene the power was off in the neighborhood, and the neighbors came over because they could hear my generator, which keeps the electric fence going. They wanted to know if it would be all right if they came in and watched Leno.

Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster, 2007

Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle solve the murder of a young Adonis.

Page 190 - "A poet can survive anything but a misprint."

219 - "Who said that?" Oscar asked.
"You did," I replied, "as well you know."
"Really?" he said, his brow furrowed. "Are you sure it wasn't Whistler? ... No doubt it will be."

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Monday, August 29
(O'Brien, Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: In New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned.

9. Chelsea Handler: Moammar Khadafy had unused gym equipment and a porn and beer stash. He was also fixated on Condoleezza Rice. Chris Franjola: If he's into black chicks and unused gym equipment he could go to Loni Love's place.

8. Jay Leno: Britney Spears won a Lifetime Achievement Award at the VMAs last night. She told an interviewer that if she weren't famous she'd be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

7. Craig Ferguson: People complain because MTV doesn't play music videos anymore. So what? Fox hasn't shown an actual fox in months. Not since Glenn Beck left. PBS doesn't show much porn anymore. Porn Broadcasting Service. Who can forget "Masturbate Theatre," "Antiques Road Ho," "Dr. Ooooh."

6. Jimmy Fallon: John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the '20s. On Friday the world's oldest woman celebrated her 115th birthday in Georgia. John McCain said, "Irene!?"

5. Craig Ferguson: VMA stands for Video Music Awards, but I thought it stood for Vile Mouthed Adolescents. Am I right, fellow elderly people? AM I RIGHT, FELLOW ELDERLY PEOPLE?  The first time I watched the VMAs the Best New Artist was Beethoven. Kanye West interrupted a dinosaur. Cher had most of her original parts. The host was a middle-aged Larry King. That's how long ago it was.

4. Jay Leno: Rick Perry has opposed many of Mitt Romney's positions. But to be fair, so has Mitt Romney.

3. Jay Leno: Congratulations to the Huntington Beach team that beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. See, if math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

2. Craig Ferguson: Happy Birthday to John McCain who turned 75 today.  He celebrated with a party that was going just fine until he invited Sarah Palin.

1. David Letterman: Dick "Kaboom" Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 419 - I can see that marching company yet, and I can almost feel again the consuming desire that I had to join it. But they had no use for boys of twelve and thirteen, and before I had a chance in another war the desire to kill people to whom I had not been introduced had passed away.

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Friday, August 26
(Only Ferguson live.)

7. - 10. No other worthy jokes.

6. Craig Ferguson: The British Royal Family just got even more adorable. Prince Charles adopted a puppy. He has floppy ears, a big snout, and he poops everywhere. I don't know what the puppy's like.

5. Craig Ferguson: "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" stars Katie Holmes and Guy Pierce, which is also the name of the shop where I buy my nipple rings. The movie's about small goblins that terrify a child. In a hotel room I once rented a movie called "Big Gobblin.'"

4. Craig Ferguson: "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" opens today. If it's successful there'll be other movies with similar titles. "Don't Swim on a Full Stomach," "Don't Touch Yourself or You'll Go Blind." I shut my eyes during the scary parts. I close my eyes during sex, too. Well, just when the bill arrives.

3. Craig Ferguson: "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" is the only movie named after something my parents told me, and will remain so until they make one called, "Shut Up, You Fat Wee Bastard."

2. Craig Ferguson: This week the earthquake on the East Coast, the hurricane, the anthrax scare here in the studio, and I've been asking, Why? Why? Why couldn't this happen during sweeps?

1. Craig Ferguson: It's true. An intern here opened a threatening letter which contained white powder. It turned out to be harmless, and that's a shame, because I feel we have too many interns around here.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 75 - Great Love Stories:
Antony and Cleopatra. Known in Roman tabloids as "Antopatra," they were true pioneers: the first celebrity couple, and the founders of the "Nile High Club."

Edward VIII and Wallace Simpson. He was the King of England. She was a twice-divorced American. But they fell in love over their mutual admiration for the Nazis.

Bonnie and Clyde. Before Bonnie and Clyde, traveling across country killing people and stealing their money was not considered romantic.

John and Yoko. Yoko Ono was one of the most cutting-edge performance artists of the 20th century until she met John Lennon. Their relationship was responsible for the breakup of Fluxus, her world-renowned conceptual art collective. Fluxus fans never forgave him.

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Thursday, August 25
(Only Handler, Letterman & Ferguson live.)

10. Craig Ferguson: On the East Coast it's going to rain, and it's twice as bad if Gerard Depardieu is in the area.

9. David Letterman: Now Mayor Bloomberg has built conversation bowls. People can sit in conversation bowls and get to know one another. All of a sudden the potholes aren't good enough? For New Yorkers it's just another place to urinate.

8. Chelsea Handler: A bridesmaid couldn't make it to her friend's wedding, so she attended via iPad. Chris Hardwick: As a bridesmaid she's legally required to get drunk in her own home and then let the groomsmen bang the iPad. It'll be sad if she can't attend the reception because she forgot to charge her cell phone.

7. David Letterman: Regis Philbin just celebrated his 80th birthday. He celebrated quietly with his money. His secret for looking so young is exercise. He loves to go for a walk. Especially when the check arrives.

6. Craig Ferguson: Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson, whose arm was in a sling: I got into a masturbation accident.

5. David Letterman guest Bill Burr: My girlfriend watches reality TV, shows where they stick ten whores in a house and somebody tries to find a wife.

4. David Letterman: Top 10 ways Regis Philbin celebrated his 80th birthday. He's a virgo. God knows, at 80 he could be a doorknob.
8. Returned birthday gifts for cash.
7. Dozed off in his cake.
6. "Private" celebration with Joy in their jungle-themed bedroom.
3. Sexy pool party with his goddesses.
2. 3 p.m. dinner with Rickles.
1. Posted anti-Dave rant on Al-Qaeda website.

3. Craig Ferguson: Sean Connery is 81 today. 81 years ago God looked around and said, "What am I going to do with all this chest hair," and ...

2. Chelsea Handler: Chris Hardwick: I went to an all-boys Catholic school, just like regular school, except your teacher is a priest. With benefits!

1. Craig Ferguson: On the "Today Show" today they had a 75-year-old woman on. Not Kathie Lee or Hoda, a different 75-year-old woman, who had double-D breast implants. They could save her life. "I've fallen and I bounced back up!"

Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster, 2007

Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle solve the murder of a young Adonis.

Page 151 - "Pay no attention to Oscar," she said, giving him a teasing look of reproof. "He plays no outdoor games at all."
"Not so, my dear," said Wilde. "If you recall, I have sometimes played dominoes outside French cafes ... Football, I concede, I have avoided. It is all very well as a game for rough girls, but it is hardly suitable for delicate boys, now is it?"

"Willie comes to the races almost daily and has a faculty for choosing the loser which, given he knows nothing about horses, is remarkable."

154 - "His voice rang out clear and strong: 'The fire is already under control. The chief danger is from panic. Let all go back to their seats and recover their calm.' So commanding was his presence that all in the audience returned to their places. The young actor then leaped over the footlights and ran out of the theatre. The rest were burned to a crisp."

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Wednesday, August 24
(Only Handler, Letterman & Ferguson live.)

10. David Letterman: I didn't feel the earthquake yesterday because I'm dead inside. The staff had some comments.
The first thing I thought, "I wonder if it killed Dave."
Dave has samurai swords on his office wall. I could see them coming down and chopping him to bits.
Open heart surgery, fatwa, earthquake. Every time I think my prayer has been answered, the bastard lives.

9. Chelsea Handler: There's a gay sports bar called Boxers, and it wants to open up a branch around the corner from a Catholic School. Matt Braunger: I like the idea of a straight drunk guy wandering in thinking it's a regular sports bar. High five! Chest bump! Ass pat! Kiss! Kiss!? Chelsea: Chuy, what would you watch at a gay sports bar? Chuy: Cock fighting.

8. Craig Ferguson: [A stagehand was running off the stage as they started.] Don't applaud incompetence. You'll be busy all night.

7. Craig Ferguson: People under 70 are going, "Liberace? Who was that?" He was like Justin Timberlake, but he could play the piano.

6. David Letterman: Ashton Kutcher [who came out in a helmet and "Not Dave" across his Kevlar vest]: You can't be too careful sitting next to a guy who's been fatwaed.

5. David Letterman to Ashton Kutcher: How do you come into "Two and a Half Men?" This is like jumping off a truck running. Ashton: No, that was Charlie's character. Dave: Do you mind a couple of theoretical questions? Do you prefer strippers or porn stars?

4. Craig Ferguson: Viewer e-mail: Do you ever get told you look like another celebrity?
Craig: I look like Liza Minnelli.
Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: I get Gary Busey quite a bit.

3. Craig Ferguson to gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: Geoff, do you want to throw to commercial?
Geoff: Be sure to visit the refreshment stand during our nocturnal intermission.

2. David Letterman: Even if they don't kill me, it's still an honor just to be fatwaed.

1. David Letterman showed a clip of Rachel Maddow, supposedly on her own show: Heightened security around the Ed Sullivan Theatre after David Letterman was threatened on an Al Qaeda website. The host is keeping a low profile, only venturing outside when he leaves the office at precisely 9:45 p.m., when he gets into his electric blue Toyota Prius for the ride to his home at 97 Fillmore Place in Larchmont, New York, third house on the left from the corner, with the blue shutters. Security password, sadly, is D-A-V-E. You can also track Dave on the new NBC Dave Tracker iPad app.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010

Page 371- One other late-night host strongly disapproved of the promo [Letterman, Leno & Oprah doing a Super Bowl promo together]. Watching the game that night at a party at his house, Jimmy Kimmel couldn't believe his eyes. Dave was throwing Jay a life preserver. He later went on Dave's show as a guest and tweaked him about it, after Dave said how much fun he'd had bashing Jay. Jimmy said Jay had been drowning; they could have finished him off. The two of them had a laugh about it all.
Kimmel had thought about it a lot and realized the ad represented Dave sending a message: This is still about two guys at the top; I don't need these other hangers-on cluttering up the late-night stage.

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Tuesday, August 23
(Only Handler, Letterman & Ferguson live.)

10. David Letterman: The fatwa guys are all upset about that bin Laden joke I told. Last night I mentioned the guy who actually wrote the joke, Bill Scheft. Is he here tonight? Bill Scheft?
Bill Scheft: Quit saying my name!

9. David Letterman: Top 10 things overheard during the East Coast earthquake:
9. It's lootin' time!
6. These new Taco Bell chalupas are rocking my world.
2. Damn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery.
1. Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!

8. Craig Ferguson: I was going to talk about the earthquake on the East Coast, but that only scared millions of people on the East Coast, and this white powder thing scared ME! CBS had a plan, though. If the white powder had been deadly, they were going to replace me with Ashton Kutcher. Normally on this show I'm only threatened by my lack of talent.

7. David Letterman: How would the country be better if we'd had John McCain as President?
Rachel Maddow: We'd have had Vice President Palin to reassure us.

6. David Letterman: e interviewed the staff about how they felt about the fatwa death threat to me.
"Every night he passes me at the top of the stairs, and I think, 'Just one good push would be all it would take.'"
"Cut out his tongue? I've written down a hundred easier ways to kill Dave."
"I've been putting bleach in his coffee for 5 years now. Son of a bitch won't die."

5. David Letterman: They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie's aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian's honeymoon suite.

4. Craig Ferguson: It started like any other day. I came in to the studio. I took a nap. I fired someone. I got a massage from the person I fired. I rehired them. But somebody sent an envelope to the studio full of white powder. I said I'd test it, but the police tested it, and wasn't anything dangerous, but it was scary for awhile. Mostly, of course, I was concerned for my staff, and by "staff" I mean "penis."

3. Craig Ferguson: My office was full of firemen. And then this thing happened and the real L.A. firemen showed up. It was confusing. Who are the real firemen, and who are the sexy firemen? The only way to find out was to start the music. Then I found real firemen can dance too.

2. David Letterman: Today Mitt Romney announced he's building a $12-million beach house in California. There's a man who can read the mood of the country.

1. Chelsea Handler: Megan Fox is having her Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed. Ben Gleib: That bums me out, because now I have to have the Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed from my Megan Fox tattoo.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 116 - If Jay Leno had a best friend in the comedy business, it was probably Jerry Seinfeld. ["Seinfeld" was just becoming really hot, and Jerry wanted to use the "Tonight" show set for a bit in his own show with a brief appearance by Jay. Jay said sure, but Jay's tyrant of a manager Helen said absolutely not. She said Jay was hip and Jerry was not, even though "Seinfeld" was probably the hippest show on TV in 10 years.]

117 - On the "Tonight" staff, the "Seinfeld" argument presented a fascinating opportunity. They wanted to see if Jay would stand up for his friend. "But he never did that," the staff member said. "He never stood up to Helen, ever."

Jay thought that Jerry would understand. So he told him Helen didn't like the idea. It didn't make sense to Jerry, who decided to call Helen himself. It was a revealing phone call for Jerry Seinfeld. When he got off the phone from Helen, he immediately called Warren Littlefield.
"He was in a state of shock," Littlefield said. Helen had ripped into Seinfeld with such venom, such foul language, that Seinfeld could hardly speak. When he did, he told Littlefield that he had never been treated like that before in his life -- and this would be the last time. He told Littlefield he was never going on the "Tonight" show again.

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Monday, August 22
(Only Handler, Letterman & Ferguson live.)

10. Chelsea Handler: A shop in New Jersey refused to sell a wedding dress to a lesbian. Ardin Myrin: That's crazy. Everyone in New Jersey is just 4 shots away from being bisexual anyway.

9. Craig Ferguson: Khadafy's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator's sons, or as they're called in Libya, dictator tots. It's tater tots with a "dic" in front.

8. Craig Ferguson: No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Khadafy is. He swears he'll die in his compound. He's a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. "I'm going to wear the curtains."

7. Craig Ferguson: Some people think Khadafy will go into exile, somewhere harmless, where we can keep an eye on him. I say "Dancing with the Stars."

6. Craig Ferguson: When I came back from Paris I had a hard time getting through customs. I tried to smuggle a mime in my pants. They're not as quiet as you might think.

5. David Letterman: Top 10 thoughts that went through my mind after hearing about the jihadist threat to cut out my tongue.
8. Why is the staff in such a good mood?
7. Save me, Oprah!
6. Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?
5. I thought nobody watched the show.
4. How can anyone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?

4. David Letterman: A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel ... I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.

3. David Letterman: I'm sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.

2. David Letterman: The State Department is taking this seriously. They're investigating it, following the electronic trail. But everybody knows it's Leno.

1. David Letterman: Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You're more like a human shield.

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 222 - By the time the entrees arrive, she [Princess Stephanie of Monaco] is sitting on my lap. By dessert, neither of us is interested in anything other than getting the hell out of there and back to her apartment. Only later will I realize what a "closer" Her Serene Highness is, when I discover that between courses she excuses herself to call the butler at the apartment to pack up the current boyfriend's clothes and remove them before we return from dinner. It really is a wonder what can be done with the proper foresight and staffing.
If I feel a little thrown by the velocity and heat from the first meeting, I don't let it slow me down. The next morning, I check out of my hotel and move in.

224 - Back in Paris, Glenn goes to the gym after dropping me at the airport, then heads home. Getting out of the Mercedes in front of his house, he is shot multiple times in the chest, by three masked gunmen.

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Friday, August 19
(All shows in reruns, so here are the week's best clips.)

Conan O'Brien's Peanut Players reenact Gerard Depardieu urinating in aisle of the first-class cabin of an Air France plane.

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Anderson Cooper giggles like a schoolgirl over the Gerard Depardieu incident.

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Next day, Anderson Cooper makes fun of himself and other giggling newscasters.

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Thursday, August 18
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It's in the chapter called "You Might Want to Skip This."

9. Conan O'Brien guest Hugh Moore: I'm very happy Martin Luther King is getting a statue in Washington, D.C. The problem is, the statue is 30 feet high. How are they going to clean that thing? If they take a hose to it it's going to look bad. The maintenance guy is going to get people mad at him every day.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: The DOW went down 400 points today. It's been down and up and down. The economy is like Oprah's belt. What? It isn't?

7. Jon Stewart: World Class Warfare: This week bizarrely uneccentric billionaire Warren Buffet suggested taxes be raised on people like him. Fox News called this class warfare. [Showed clips of Fox News accusing Buffet of being a socialist.]

6. Stephen Colbert: Guest Kevin Mitnick, computer hacker, wrote "Ghost in the Wires," about his career. He started by hacking his friend's phone to make it a pay phone, so that whenever his family tried to use the phone, an operator told them to deposit 25 cents.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: "Jersey Shore" is in Italy this season, which is what Italy gets for teaming up with Hitler in WWII. In this episode the cast visited one of Florence's outdoor leather markets, where Snooki was accidentally sold as a purse. I really miss "The Cosby Show".

4. [Stephen Colbert showed the clip of Anderson Cooper losing it and giggling like a schoolgirl over Gerard Depardieu pee jokes, and then Stephen went into a fit of giggles while making a slew of poop jokes.] Anyway, that was very unprofessional, Anderson Pooper.

3. Stephen Colbert: America's only remaining manufacturing facility is The Cheesecake Factory.

2. Conan O'Brien: Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked.

1. Conan O'Brien: Gerard Depardieu has apologized for urinating on the floor of the first class cabin of an airline. He said, "I'm sorry. I thought I was in coach."

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 203 - I got packed off to be an apprentice priest in the Church of Om. I quite liked that; I learned a lot of interesting words, but they threw me out for asking too many questions, such as 'Is this really true or what?'"

204 - "A kind of code word," said Preston. "Strictly speaking, it means a word that your enemy would be unable to say. For example, in the case of the Duchess, it might be a good idea to choose a word like 'please.'"

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Wednesday, August 17
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy: Had you ever worked with kids before?
Guest Joel McHale [who's in "Spy Kids"]: No. Yes. Well, once. We used to sell them off of a boat.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Abercrombie & Fitch told the people on "Jersey Shore" they'd pay them if they didn't wear their clothes. Evidently they make clothes. From their bags I'd assumed they sold naked teenagers. You know it's bad when a store that plays deafening club music and pumps Axe Body Spray through their air vents doesn't want to be associated with you.

8. Conan O'Brien: Michele Bachmann said when she's President gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'd make that happen, she said she'd track down the CEO of Exxon and STARE at him.

7. Stephen Colbert: Eden Disorder: Did Adam and Eve really exist, or have I been leaving out a plate of cookies every Arbor Day for nothing?

6. Conan O'Brien: French actor Gerard Depardieu got drunk on a flight and stood and peed on the cabin floor. A spokesman for Air France said it was the 4th rudest thing someone did on that flight.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off a flight from Paris to Dublin. The flight was delayed over two hours. He had to urinate, but the flight crew told him he couldn't get up to go to the bathroom, so he just peed in the aisle from his seat, which the FAA refers to as a Depardon't.

4. Stephen Colbert: Rick Rolls: Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in front. Because he's the one with the gun.

3. Conan O'Brien: President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China.USA! USA!

2. Jimmy Kimmel: Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Rick Perry is for small government, and he knows how to shoot a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 397 - Tom's father was at one time Town Drunkard, an exceedingly well defined and unofficial office of those days. He succeeded "General" Gaines, and for a time he was the sole and only incumbent of the office; but afterward Jimmy Finn proved competency and disputed the place with him, so we had two town drunkards at one time -- and it made as much trouble in that village as Christendom experienced in the fourteenth century when there were two Popes at the same time.
In "Huckleberry Finn" I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; be he had as good a heart as ever any boy had. His liberties were totally unrestricted. He was the only really independent person -- boy or man -- in the community,and by consequence he was tranquilly and continuously happy, and was envied by all the rest of us. We liked him; we enjoyed his society. And as his society was forbidden us by our parents, the prohibition trebled and quadrupled its value, and therefore we sought and got more of his society than of any other boy's. I heard, four years ago, that he was Justice of the Peace in a remote village in Montana, and was a good citizen and greatly respected.

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Tuesday, August 16
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien guest Sean O'Conner: In Brooklyn I saw a cop with a face tattoo. That can mean only one thing. Somewhere there's a dead naked cop.

9. Conan O'Brien: A new book says that during World War II Britain attempted to lace Adolf Hitler's food with female sex hormones. Thank God it didn't work, because if there's one person you don't want to see PMSing, It's Hitler.

8. Conan O'Brien: Michele Bachmann wished Elvis a happy birthday, even though today is actually the anniversary of his death. She then issued an apology, "not only to Elvis, but to the entire Costello family."

7. Conan O'Brien: Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, "I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale." In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, "Don't worry. I'm not as smart as George W. Bush."

6. Jimmy Kimmel : President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.

4. Jon Stewart: President Obama's new slogan is: "I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes."

3. Jimmy Kimmel: This is the final season of "Kate + 8." So finally some good unemployment news.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: Now that Kate Gosselin's show's been canceled, Kate says she's now going to devote more time to motivational speaking. And why not? She's already motivated millions of people not to have kids.

1. Conan O'Brien: Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, "I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 74 - Vasopressin: Sensory enhancer; made girlfriend's hair feel like a velvet pillow on an angel's couch. OxytocinL Analgesic; numbed awareness that other bus passengers didn't want to watch you two dry-humping. Estrogen: Hormone; raised female pulse, breath rate, confidence she could "change him."

Unrequited love affairs were responsible for both Dante's "Divine Comedy" and thousands of restraining orders.

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Monday, August 15
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: Conan: Paparazzi caught you topless in Miami. Why were you topless in Miami?
Kathy Griffin: Why am I not bottomless now? Anyway, I was staying at Gloria Estevan's house.
Andy Richter: Was she aware of it?
Kathy: Gloria told me when the cruise ships went by she flashed them. And I didn't know she was kidding. So when the cruise ship went by I whipped my top off very briefly.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.

8. Stephen Colbert: Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.

7. Conan O'Brien: At a mall in Florida a man was arrested for stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber. It's the 2nd theft linked to Justin Bieber if you also count my heart. [Little hearts floated all around Conan.]

6. Jon Stewart: [Clip about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: "He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."] Jon: And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor.

5. Stephen Colbert: He offered to hold my trophy while I peed. I told him I'd rather he held my Emmy. In return, when he peed, I held his package, by which I mean the little parcel he's holding in the photo.

4. Conan O'Brien: Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, "Well, I wasn't going to marry him."

3. Stephen Colbert: In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.

2. Stephen Colbert: Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket -- by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.

1. Jimmy Kimmel:  I went to one restaurant in Chicago, they had duck testicles as an appetizer. What? Like I'm not going to order them? Well, they look like any bird testicles. Actually they look like white beans, and they taste like chicken testicles.

The Bohemian Girl by Kenneth Cameron, Minotaur Books, 2009

Denton is a famous American author and expatriate in turn-of-the-century London with a reputation for involving himself in murder cases.

Page Page 2 - Denton stuck out a hand, and Rupert licked the open palm from fingertips to wrist. "I wish he hadn't bitten that customs officer."
"Fool threatened us; what'd you expect? Bloody tyrants, them Central Europeans."
"You shouldn't have said 'get him'."
"Who was to know Rupert was trained to attack?"

"We're in the morning paper. 'Noted Novelist Returns.' I'm included as 'faithful soldier-servant Harold Atkins'. Faithful, my hat. You done with me?"

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Friday, August 12
(Only Leno & Fallon live)

10. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama promised to come up with ideas for creating new jobs every week. And Joe Biden promised to come up with ideas for new cereals every week. "Mix Lucky Charms and Grape Nuts and you get Lucky Nuts."

9. Jimmy Fallon: General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like  Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: "Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts."

8. Jay Leno: Jamie Foxx came out and took photos of Jay and the audience on his African-American Berry.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, just one drink after work, for turning into "I know a karaoke bar that stays open to 5 a.m."

6. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, computer solitaire, or as I like to call you, electronic loneliness.

5. Jay Leno: The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa last night. The winner was anyone who didn't watch.

4. Jimmy Fallon: There's a new plan to let people sent texts to 9-1-1. It's frustrating when you text "Burglar, please hurry," and it auto-corrects to "Burger, please hungry."

3. Jimmy Fallon: A survey showed being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, "Wanna bet?"

2. Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.

1. Jay Leno: Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 49 - My dad was at a jazz concert as a teenager with an all-white audience. At one point in the show, Lionel Hampton would invite a woman from the audience to dance with him, but the white girls were all too scared to be seen dancing with a black man. To ease the tension, Don Fey jumped up and fast-danced with Mr. Hampton, at the end of which Lionel Hampton kissed him on the forehead to a round of applause.
Conversely, he would tell us things like "If you see two black kids riding around on one bike, put your bike in the garage." This wasn't racism; it was experience.

51 - "Defective" was a big word in our house. Many things were labeled "defective" only to miraculously turn functional once the directions had been read more thoroughly.

(Don Fey had a large rubber stamp that said "bullshit," which was and is awesome.)

Book                       Kindle

. .

Thursday, August 11
(Letterman, Kimmel & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he's being modest. He deserves a little credit.

9. Conan O'Brien: A North Carolina Olive Garden may have transmitted the hepatitis-A virus. It's the first time anything has ever been served in an Olive Garden that's also found in Italy.

8. Conan O'Brien: The Statue of Liberty is being closed for a year for alterations to make her interior safer and more accessible. It's the same procedure Paris Hilton had last year.

7. Conan O'Brien: The Kardashians are publishing a novel based on their lives. It's called "The Sisterhood of the Extra-Wide Pants." OK, it's called "A Tale of Six Titties."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "Late Night" e-cards: Whenever I think of a Shaq free throw I think of you.
I miss you.

5. Jimmy Fallon: In Britain people are worried that the riots may mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

4. Jay Leno: Passengers on a Delta flight were frightened by a flying bat inside the plane. Hey, a bat can do a lot of damage -- unless it's held by an L.A. Dodger.

3. Stephen Colbert: Corporations are people. It's time to remake "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won't want to see his daughter drilled.

2. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35% tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.

1. Jon Stewart: Indecision 2012: Ames, Iowa: Corn Polled Edition: Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington.

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 93 - Cary Grant greets me at the front door in a white terry cloth bathrobe. I have a vague awareness that Jen's father is an old-time movie actor, but I'm ashamed to say that I knew more about "Cary Granite" from "The Flintstones" than Cary Grant the Film Icon. In my defense, he hadn't made a movie since I was an infant.

94 - [He's watching his show on TV with Jennifer Grant.] Just as the show begins, Cary pops his head in. "Young maaan, would you mind if I watched with you?"
"Not at all," I say, proving unequivocally that ignorance is bliss. And so, the single greatest movie star of all time takes a seat with us to watch a sixteen-year-old rookie in his first starring role.
When the show is over, I'm not quite sure what to think. (This sort of reaction continues; only rarely do I know right away how I feel about a finished project.) In Cary Grant's bedroom, as the credits roll, no one says a word. Then, finally, from Cary, "Young maaan, you're quite good. You remind me of a young Warren Beatty."

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Wednesday, August 10
(Letterman & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jimmy Fallon: MTV may do a movie version of "The Hills." Lauren Conrad will play the lead, while Heidi Montag will play the hills.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Michele Bachmann said if she's elected President she won't read words off the teleprompter, while Sarah Palin said if she's elected she won't read words.

8. Jay Leno: David Beckham is coming out with his own line of underwear. I'm not saying it's snug, but it's called Bend It Like Beckham.

7. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth 3 months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.

6. Jon Stewart: Larry Wilmore, Senior Black Correspondent: We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama's going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by "own it" I mean rent it.

5. Conan O'Brien: Schools in New York City now have to teach sex ed, which is an improvement on the way kids presently learn: "Hey, I'm screwin' here! Shut the car door!"

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.

3. Jay Leno guest Joel McHale: My 6-year-old was sitting naked at the kitchen table playing with his penis. Jay: I guess kids do what they see.

2. Jimmy Fallon Twitter hashtag game: A classmate wrote about losing her virginity on Facebook and her mom liked the status. #whodoesthat

1. Conan O'Brien: Snooki announced she's releasing her own fragrance. Nobody had the heart to tell her she already has.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010

Page 370 - [People couldn't believe that supposed enemies Letterman and Leno had sat down with Oprah to do a Super Bowl commercial.] They had indeed -- and it delighted Jay Leno. The whole experience had been great fun, but  also something else. Jay had been moved by it. For all the competition, the endless ratings measuring out their worths on a weekly basis, Jay had never really stopped holding out hope that he and Dave could one day just get together, be guys again. For Jay, the Super Bowl promo, as elaborate and secret as it had been, really came down to that: He had gotten together with Dave again. And the years, the jokes, and the animosity melted away in an instant.

If Letterman had had his way, the bit might have been even better. Before he had invited Jay, Dave had had Rob Burnett reach out to one other potential participant. But Conan didn't get the joke. More precisely, he didn't find anything funny in the situation.

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Tuesday, August 9
(Letterman & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Sarah Palin now has a 2nd grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.

9. Conan O'Brien: In India a woman with two uteruses has given birth to twins. And they're not getting along, because they're each used to having their own room.

8. Jimmy Fallon: The Pittsburgh Zoo is about to open the first elephant sperm bank in America, or as elephants call it, "a way better gig than the circus."

7. Conan O'Brien: "Newsweek" is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann "The Queen of Rage." Michele says, "There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me."

6. Jimmy Fallon: A department store in London is selling a Justin Bieber ice cream sundae in honor of his new fragrance. Or as guys say, "I'm not going to eat some lame Justin Bieber sundae. I'm just here for the fragrance."

5. Jay Leno: "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties ...

4. Conan O'Brien: Arnold Shwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, "I Survived Maria." Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, "I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'"

3. Jay Leno: Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Last week a man in Arizona accidentally shot himself in the crotch while stuffing a gun into the waistband of his pants. Well, now it's her pants.

1. Jon Stewart: "Newsweek" used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 95 - [Dave picks Mike Ovitz as his agent while he's still host of "Late Night" at NBC at 12:30 a.m.]

99 -[Mike Ovitz] worked out a plan for the networks, studios and syndicators to come and pitch for Letterman.

101 - Helen Kushnick [Leno's manager] had her own ideas about how NBC could deal with David Letterman. She volunteered to expand the "Tonight" show back to ninety minutes. ... Just in case word of her generous offer didn't reach the Letterman camp, Helen decided to make it public herself.

102 - Kushnick marched through her first weeks on the "Tonight" show like Sherman going through Georgia.

103 - [Helen booked Roger Daltry a week after he was to appear on "Late Night," a violation of custom. Then she pressured Daltry to drop the "Late Night" booking.]

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Monday, August 8
(Letterman & Ferguson in reruns. No audio on Fallon,)

10. Jay Leno: Japanese scientists have produced sperm in a lab. How many still prefer the fresh squeezed? [Jay had used a variation of this before.]

9. Jay Leno: Ridiculous 9-1-1 calls: A woman called to say they came home to find an intruder in the shower. At the same time the guy called from the shower saying he was scared. He had broken in and the owners had come home.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: They've filmed the first episode of the new "Two and a Half Men" where the Charlie Sheen character gets hit by a train. They threw a hooker on the tracks and he dove after her. There was nothing left but tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Not since Joanie strangled Chachi has a sitcom killed off their main character like this.

7. Stephen Colbert: Standard & Poor's has downgraded us from AAA to AA+. We have to take a note home and have our parents sign it. Don't pull anything out of the stock market until 12:45 tomorrow. By then I should be over international waters.

6. Conan O'Brien: At a concert Kanye West said people look at him as though he were Hitler. However, historians point out that Hitler occasionally stopped talking.

5. Jay Leno: The economy's so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.

4. Conan O'Brien: Standard & Poor's has lowered our credit rating to AA, which means no one will lend us money or go to 2nd base with us.

3. Conan O'Brien: China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: We've always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?!

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 196 - This needed some delicate wording. It did not get it, because the old bat gave a nasty little snigger and said, "Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?"        
Tiffany tried. She really tried. But there are times when things are just too much. She took a deep breath.
"I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!"
The sudden silence was nevertheless peppered with little sounds like a guard behind a pillar sticking his hand over his mouth so that his shocked laughter would not be heard, and a splutter as -- on the other side of the curtain -- a maid almost achieved the same thing.

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Friday, August 5
(Only Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live)

10. Craig Ferguson: Why do they call it skinny dipping when fat people can do it too? Probably for the same reason they call that dude Lady Gaga.

9. Jay Leno guest Dennis Miller: I was scheduled to go on the road with Dick Cheney. We were going to do "The Angina Monologues."

8. Jay Leno: Critics are calling "The Jersey Shore" the most offensive thing Americans have done to Italy since, well, the opening of The Olive Gardens.

7. Jimmy Fallon: On "Jersey Shore" a can of bronzer leaked in J. Woww's suitcase. On the bright side, at least her other two cans weren't leaking.

6. Jay Leno: The economy's so bad P. Diddy had to change his name to P. Diddly Squat.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Presidents age twice as fast as normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, "Whew, good thing I lost!"

4. Jay Leno: The economy's so bad the high school in "Glee" had to cancel its music & drama program.

3. Jimmy Fallon: A group of Buddhists freed 534 lobsters in Massachusetts. Or as the sharks put it, "Wow, it really IS Shark Week!"

2. Jimmy Fallon: This weekend is the New York City Triathlon, where athletes run in Central Park, bike along the West Side Highway, and then swim in the Hudson River. Or as the sharks put it, "Man, Shark Week just keeps getting better!"

1. Craig Ferguson from Paris: In France it's still OK to smoke after sex. You just have to ask everybody else in the elevator first.

Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster, 2007

Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle solve the murder of a young Adonis.

Page 138 - "John has the appearance of a Greek god -- and only shallow people do not judge by appearances."

146 - "You are right, Robert. It is a dreadful thing to have one's name in the newspapers. And still more dreadful not to."

148 - "And you must return to Miss Sutherland, Robert. Another man's fiancee requires so much more attention than one's own."

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Thursday, August 4

10. Jimmy Fallon: There's a new device that tells how many bites of food you've had each day. We already have a device like that. It's called your butt.

9. David Letterman: A poll asked if God was doing a good job, and his approval rating is down. We could be looking at a one-term God. 52% thought God was doing a good job. The other 48% were turned into pillars of salt.

8. Jay Leno: The producers of "Dancing with the Stars" haven't told Anthony Weiner whether they're going to have him on the show. And he's a guy you don't want to leave dangling.

7. David Letterman: A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before the feel-good story was the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson. So what's the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Eating healthy adds $380 to your food bill each year, or as Americans say, "Cool, I saved $380 this year."

5. Jay Leno: A Dunkin' Donuts employee in New Jersey was prostituting herself on her breaks. There's one employee you really hope washes her hands before she goes back to work.

4. Jay Leno: There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. The richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake.

3. Stephen Colbert: Cargill has recalled 36 million pounds of tainted turkey, though I fail to see why anyone would buy turkey taint in the first place.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Jersey Shore" is in Italy this year. They're there as -- What's the opposite of ambassador?

1. Conan O'Brien: The whole 4th season of "Jersey Shore" takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 390 - [He wrote a letter to young Ruth Cleveland.] I asked her to forget that her father was only President of the United States, and her subject and servant; I asked her not to put the application in the form of a command, but  to modify it, and give it the fictitious and pleasanter form of a request -- that it would do him no harm to let him gratify himself with the superstition that he was independent and could do as he pleased in the matter. [President Cleveland granted the request.]

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Wednesday, August 3

10. Jimmy Kimmel: President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in his hometown of Chicago. Oprah jumped out of the cake. Then she jumped back in. She loves cake.

9. Jay Leno: The FBI says the famous hijacker D.B. Cooper. They say his real name is L.D. Cooper. IN any case they think he's either dead or has been living for 40 years beside the Pakistani Military Academy.

8. Craig Ferguson: The Louvre has more bare breasts than any other institution in the world, with the possible exception of the Clinton Library.

7. Conan O'Brien: A company is offering a new GPS device with the voice of Yoda. For turn-by-turn directions do I really want someone who speaks backwards? "Lost you are."

6. Conan O'Brien: A man jumped the White House fence. But after a brief chase, guards were able to talk President Obama into coming back inside.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Oprah is going to receive the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award at the next Oscars. She'll  display it on her mantle, right next to Stedman.

4. Stephen Colbert: In the latest "Spiderman" issue Peter Parker is killed, presumably while appearing in "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark."

3. Conan O'Brien: Hugh Hefner had a picture taken of himself planking on a wood table. Friends who saw the photo were scared because they thought he was dead. Everybody else was just shocked at a Hugh Hefner photo containing wood.


2. Jimmy Kimmel: Here's a photo of Hugh Hefner. The caption is "Help, I'm planking and I can't get up."

1. Jay Leno: In ten years the debt will be $27 trillion dollars. But that will be President Bieber's problem.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 73 - Tokens of affection: Chocolates fattened up a prospective mate just enough so that no one else would be interested. For centuries suitors in Wales fashioned intricately carved love spoons to demonstrate they had both the patience and the dexterity to operate a clitoris. When all else failed, vodka was the Swiss Army knife of human courtship.

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Tuesday, August 2

10. Conan O'Brien: In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga.

9. Conan O'Brien: The world's 7 billionth human is scheduled to be born in India near the end of October, and he'll look a lot like Arnold Shwarzenegger.

8. Conan O'Brien: Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, "Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters."

7. David Letterman guest Ricky Gervais: That's a picture of Johnny Depp and me shoving a dwarf down a toilet. It's like somebody downloaded a dream. Dave: That's wrong. You can't shove a human being down a toilet. Ricky: You can if they're small enough. The dwarf was in "Harry Potter" and "Willow" and other movies. Dave: And for a long time he was a successful stand-in for Tom Cruise.

6. Jay Leno: July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity.

5. Craig Ferguson in Paris: Gargoyles weren't put on these buildings to scare off evil spirits, but to scare off mimes.

4. Jimmy Fallon: A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. "Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?"

3. Jay Leno: A woman at a Dunkin' Donuts in New Jersey was being a prostitute on her breaks. No chance of running into the cops there. You don't want to be a donut 'ho.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: The make-up sex in Congress tonight is going to be something.

1. Jimmy Fallon: On the new season of "Jersey Shore" you'll get to see Florence, Italy, through Snooki's eyes. And you'll get to see Naples through J. Woww's tee-shirt.

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 42 - It was a major and deeply embarrassing teenage revelation. It must be how straight teenage boys feel when they realize those boobs they like have heads attached to them.

I thought I knew everything after that first summer. "Being gay is not a choice. Gay people were made that way by God," I'd lectured Mr. Garth proudly. But it took me another whole year to figure out the second part: "Gay people were made that way by God,but not solely for my entertainment." We can't expect our gay friends to always be single, celibate, and arriving early with the nacho fixin's. And we really need to let these people get married, already.

Book                    Kindle

...

Monday, August 1

The best/funniest photos, videos and zingers I found in July are at www.strangebillions.com/castrojul11/

10. Craig Ferguson: Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson in a park in Paris. "Did that dog just pee on me? Do it again."

9. Jimmy Fallon: Saturday a couple in Texas were married by a computer, which said, "If anyone objects to this marriage, hit control + alt + delete."

8. Jay Leno: It's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, and sharks are getting smarter. For instance, they no longer play that music just before they attack.

7. Jimmy Fallon: An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, "Does she have a daughter?"

6. Jimmy Kimmel: The Democrats say they didn't lie down. They say they were planking.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: This week is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Next week is Good Luck Getting Your Kids into the Bathtub Week.

4. Jay Leno: Obama has changed his slogan from "Yes We Can" to "Yes We Cave."

3. David Letterman: Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.

2. Jay Leno: Washington has reached a two-step deal. It steps on the lower class and the middle class.

1. David Letterman: The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough.

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 80 - [As a young teen he's on the ABC sit-com "A New Kind of Family" and gets his first fan letter:
Dear Mr. Rob Lowe:
I enjoyed you very much on the TV show The New Kind of Family. You are a great actor. Can you please send me an autographed photo of yourself? If possible in a bathing suit or in your underwear.
Sincerely,
Michael LeBron
#4142214 Pelican Bay Prison

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August Winners

Monday, August 1 Strangie to David Letterman: The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough.

Tuesday, August 2 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: On the new season of "Jersey Shore" you'll get to see Florence, Italy, through Snooki's eyes. And you'll get to see Naples through J. Woww's tee-shirt.

Wednesday, August 3 Strangie to Jay Leno: In ten years the debt will be $27 trillion dollars. But that will be President Bieber's problem.

Thursday, August 4 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: The whole 4th season of "Jersey Shore" takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub.

Friday, August 5 Strangie to Craig Ferguson from Paris: In France it's still OK to smoke after sex. You just have to ask everybody else in the elevator first.

Monday, August 8 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.

Tuesday, August 9 Strangie to Jon Stewart: "Newsweek" used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for.

Wednesday, August 10 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: Snooki announced she's releasing her own fragrance. Nobody had the heart to tell her she already has.

Thursday, August 11 Strangie to Jon Stewart: Indecision 2012: Ames, Iowa: Corn Polled Edition: Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington.

Friday, August 12 Strangie to Jay Leno: Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.

Monday, August 15 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel:  I went to one restaurant in Chicago, they had duck testicles as an appetizer. What? Like I'm not going to order them? Well, they look like any bird testicles. Actually they look like white beans, and they taste like chicken testicles.

Tuesday, August 16 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, "I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people."

Wednesday, August 17 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: Rick Perry is for small government, and he knows how to shoot a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.

Thursday, August 18 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: Gerard Depardieu has apologized for urinating on the floor of the first class cabin of an airline. He said, "I'm sorry. I thought I was in coach."

Friday, August 19, all shows in reruns.

Monday, August 22 Strangie to David Letterman: Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You're more like a human shield.

Tuesday, August 23 Strangie to Chelsea Handler: Megan Fox is having her Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed. Ben Gleib: That bums me out, because now I have to have the Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed from my Megan Fox tattoo.

Wednesday, August 24 Strangie to David Letterman showed a clip of Rachel Maddow, supposedly on her own show: Heightened security around the Ed Sullivan Theatre after David Letterman was threatened on an Al Qaeda website. The host is keeping a low profile, only venturing outside when he leaves the office at precisely 9:45 p.m., when he gets into his electric blue Toyota Prius for the ride to his home at 97 Fillmore Place in Larchmont, New York, third house on the left from the corner, with the blue shutters. Security password, sadly, is D-A-V-E. You can also track Dave on the new NBC Dave Tracker iPad app.

Thursday, August 25 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: On the "Today Show" today they had a 75-year-old woman on. Not Kathie Lee or Hoda, a different 75-year-old woman, who had double-D breast implants. They could save her life. "I've fallen and I bounced back up!"

Friday, August 26 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: It's true. An intern here opened a threatening letter which contained white powder. It turned out to be harmless, and that's a shame, because I feel we have too many interns around here.

Monday, August 29 Strangie to David Letterman: Dick "Kaboom" Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country.

Tuesday, August 30 Strangie to David Letterman: After Hurricane Irene the power was off in the neighborhood, and the neighbors came over because they could hear my generator, which keeps the electric fence going. They wanted to know if it would be all right if they came in and watched Leno.

Wednesday, August 31 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: Simon Cowell wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies. And it looks like his nipples are off to a head start.

For each day's top 10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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