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America's Late-Night-TV Jokes, August 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim
(San Francisco's Town Fool for the odd quarter century)

Tuesday, August 31 Strangie to David Letterman: "Paris Hilton has been charged with possessing not an ounce of common sense."

August  Strangies: Kimmel 5, Stewart 3, Colbert 3, Letterman 3, Fallon 2, Leno 2, Ferguson 1, Handler 1


David Letterman

Stephen Colbert

Jimmy Kimmel

Conan O'Brien

Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno

Jon Stewart

Craig Ferguson

Chelsea Handler

 Click for Late-Night Lineups and Info.

Monday, August 2 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Amish population has increased by 10%. No. That's just people who had their electricity turned off and their cars repossessed."

Tuesday, August 3 Strangie to David Letterman:"Sarah Palin said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer had the 'cojones' to do what Obama wouldn't. Hearing her say 'cojones,' Brewer had Palin deported."

Wednesday, August 4 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Republicans are trying to block President Obama's 49th birthday."

Thursday, August 5 Strangie to David Letterman: "President Obama went on 'The View,' and Sarah Palin criticized him for pulling a cheap media stunt. Then she went camping on TV with Kate Gosselin."

Friday, August 6 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon:"Siegfried and Roy have been accused of making sexual advances to male assistants. The oddest thing is that they call their tigers 'assistants.'"

Monday, August 9 Strangie to  Jimmy Fallon: "The Statue of Liberty is closing for 9 months for the installation of a 2nd staircase. But I heard boob job."

Tuesday, August 10 Strangie to   Jimmy Kimmel: "If Levi Johnston becomes Mayor of Wasilla he'll be the second-most-incompetent politician in Alaska. He's running on the platform 'I Will Get You Pregnant.'"

Wednesday, August 11 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Maybe LeBron James went to Miami to become Jewish. 'Get me a pair of garden shears. We have a hell of a circumcision here.'"

Thursday, August 12  Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Our next guest is to Sarah Palin what voicemail is to Mel Gibson. Here's Levi Johnston."

Friday, August 13  Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Schwarzenegger did the movie because he thought 'The Expendables' was about teachers in California."

Sunday, August 15  Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff: Whitney Cummings: "I bought one of David Hasselhoff's albums on Amazon.com. It said, 'People who bought this also bought ... a shotgun.'"

Monday, August 16  Strangie to Jon Stewart: John Oliver on freedom to build the mosque: "Can you build a Catholic church next to a playground? Yes. But should you?"

Tuesday, August 17  Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Steven Slater has about 30 media offers. Quick, get that flight attendant a pilot."

Wednesday, August 18  Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "What's wrong with Brett Favre's family? Every time he spends 10 minutes with them he decides he'd rather be crushed under 300-lb. linemen."

Thursday, August 19  Strangie to Jon Stewart trying to talk Jennifer Aniston into moving back to New York: "There's an old Burlington Coat Factory you could fix up."

Friday, August 20 all shows in reruns. 

Monday, August 23  Strangie to Jon Stewart: "The Parent Company Trap:" Jon showed clips of Fox News saying the Kingdom Foundation funding the Ground Zero mosque is run by an America-hating terrorist, but not mentioning he is Rupert Murdoch's partner and part owner of Fox News. Is Fox News stupid or evil? Wyatt Cenac wore a shirt marked "Team Evil" and said that if they hadn't known, they would have splashed the man's name all over the story. John Oliver had a shirt marked "Team Stupid" and showed a clip of a Fox Newswoman not knowing the word "ignoramus," googling the definition, and still getting it wrong. Wyatt Cenac: "If they're not evil, they're really, really stupid." John Oliver: "And if they're not stupid, they're really, really evil."

Tuesday, August 24  Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "The Middle East is a powder keg hooked up to a time bomb on the edge of a cliff that's not wearing a condom."

Wednesday, August 25  Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "King Tut's penis was there in 1922, but it was missing in 1968. Some thought it was appropriated by the Nixon administration, but that wrinkled mass of flesh turned out to be Henry Kissinger. Stay tuned for 'King Tut's Penis, Part 2: The Res-Erection.'"

Thursday, August 26  Strangie to Chelsea Handler: "'American Idol'? I miss the old days when we picked out singers by who was best at going down on Clive Davis."

Friday, August 27: All shows in reruns.

Special Sunday, August 29,  Emmys Strangie to Ricky Gervais: "No, I'm not going to say anything about Mel Gibson. He's been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews ..." 

Monday, August 30 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Air Guitar World Championships were held over the weekend. In keeping with tradition, the winner was a loser."

Tuesday, August 31 Strangie to David Letterman: "Paris Hilton has been charged with possessing not an ounce of common sense."

Monday, August 2

Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Amish population has increased by 10%. No. That's just people who had their electricity turned off and their cars repossessed."

Jon Stewart: "Helen Thomas's seat in the White House Press Room is going to Fox News. That's why they've gotten so much wrong. They were in the back where they couldn't hear." On Chelsea Clinton's wedding: "The groom, in an apparent fit of anger, crushed a glass under his foot, not boding well for the marriage, according to the Methodist contingent."

Stephen Colbert: "'Newsweek' has been sold to an investor for $1. Idiot! You can read it online for free." "The gay agenda has struck again. GLAAD gave CBS a failing grade, so the network has added gay characters to 'Rules of Engagement,' 'The Good Wife' and 'S&#% My Old Man Says.' Congratulations to William Shatner. You'll be working with George Takei again."

David Letterman: "Alcohol consumption is soaring. Of course this survey was taken before Lindsay Lohan went to the slammer.  She's having a hard time. A sadistic warden confiscated her birds. When she gets out she can't go withing 25 feet of a blender." "Snooki punched a cop, and Obama has invited both of them to the White House for a beer. Actually, the President has no idea who Snooki is, which I find comforting." "Big changes at 'American Idol.' From now on the winners will be chosen by Paul the Psychic Octopus." "I'm beginning to think I'm not getting an invitation to Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Hillary was lovely in a strapless pant suit. Bill backed into an ice sculpture and went, 'Hillary?'"

Jay Leno: "Chelsea Clinton's wedding was very emotional for Bill and Hillary. They hadn't seen each other in several years." "Snooki was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. She used her one phone call to curse out Mel Gibson's girlfriend. 'Jersey Shore' has moved, and its new title is 'STD Miami.'" $8.7 billion of our money is missing in Iraq. I didn't know they even had a Goldman Sachs." "Three murderers have escaped in Arizona, but the governor says not to worry. They're all American citizens." "Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston says he wants to get a GED, or whatever that thing is that keeps girls from getting pregnant."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Snooki has been arrested for disorderly conduct. That's like arresting the sun for rising." "Chelsea Clinton wore a Vera Wang wedding gown. Usually when you hear the words 'Clinton' and 'wang' in the same sentence ... And Hillary wore something tasteful from Men's Wearhouse."

Jimmy Fallon: "Kate Gosselin and the kids are back home after visiting Sarah Palin in Alaska. Kate said, 'Whew, I thought I was crazy!'" "Snooki was arrested for disorderly conduct. Usually she's paid for that. She passed out face-first in the sand. In New Jersey that's known as flirting. She said her arrest was not her proudest moment. But it was in the top five." "'Inception' had made $193 million. The one thing it hasn't made is sense." "It's Shark Week, or as the Discovery Channel calls it, Viewer Week."

Craig Ferguson: "At Chelsea Clinton's wedding, after Bill gave away the bride he tried to give away Hillary." "The Gay Games were held this weekend in Cologne, Germany. They were 48 hours long, but the first 47 were the opening ceremonies. The Olympic Flame was a guy named Fritz. In the relay races let's just say they didn't put the baton in their teammate's hand." "I went to the Bahamas and filmed a segment for Shark Week. I won't say I was terrified when I saw my first hammerhead; I'll just say I wouldn't want to be the guy who wore the wetsuit after me. Some sharks can live three months on a single meal, like the cast of 'Desperate Housewives.'" To guest George Hamilton: "Seth MacFarlane is an animator who spends a lot of time playing with his own penis." George: "Me too." Craig: "No, his own penis." 

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 8 - "He's real then? Kipling's boy?"
"As real as I am," said Sherlock Holmes. "And yes, this is his amulet. I recognise it."
"You know him?" I don't know why this revelation startled me as if he'd claimed to have met a hippogryph; heavens, half the world considered Holmes fictional. But startle me it did.
"I knew him long ago. We spent the better part of a year in each other's company."
"When?"
He smiled to himself. "While I was dead."
I knew my husband and partner was not referring to some spiritual experience of a previous lifetime. "When I was dead" was his whimsical term for the period beginning in the spring of 1891, when he disappeared at Switzerland's Reichenbach Falls, and for three years wandered the globe, returning to London only when a mysterious murder called him back to the land of the living.

20 - "That was what, thirty years ago? Why hasn't he made a name for himself in that time?"
"A man does not play The Game successfully for thirty years and more if he catches the eye of any but his superiors."
"O'Hara has been a spy for the Crown for all that time?"
"O'Hara has been many things, but yes, he has been there when he was needed."

Tuesday, August 3

Strangie to David Letterman:"Sarah Palin said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer had the 'cojones' to do what Obama wouldn't. Hearing her say 'cojones,' Brewer had Palin deported."

Jon Stewart: Jon showed a clip of Sarah Palin saying she and other women are mama grizzlies protecting their cubs. "But don't liberal mom's protect their cubs?" Kristen Schall: "No, they're more like gerbils who eat their young if their welfare checks are late."

Stephen Colbert: "The thinkable has happened. Brett Favre has retired. I can remember where I was for his last three retirements." "Bank customers don't need a federal agency protecting them from banks. They just need a safe word."

David Letterman: "I was surprised how emotional Bubba was at Chelsea's wedding. He broke down during the vows and again when they ran out of buffalo wings." "It was so nice today Mel Gibson broke out in a tirade of pleasantries." "A troop of Boy Scouts is camped out in Times Square. They woke up this morning and checked their traps. The parents know their sons are safely camped in front of a strip club. The kids wake up and realize they're not alone in their sleeping bags." "Justin Bieber, age 16, is writing his memoirs 'Leave It to Bieber.'"

Jay Leno: "Brett Favre announced he's retiring to spend more time with his great-great grandkids." "Oregon police said that whatever happened between Al Gore and that masseuse 'didn't rise to the level of a criminal offense.' So Al had a happy ending after all." "Sarah Palin should be relieved. Last time there was a guy with working 'cojones' he got her daughter pregnant." "BP got a new A-hole, I mean CEO." "Lady Gaga says she's afraid that if she sleeps with men she'll lose her artistry through her vagina. At last a woman not afraid to think outside the box." "Now there's ice cream with Viagra. It's not available at Mr. Softee."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Brett Favre says he's retiring. How dumb does he think we are?" "Bristol Palin has split with Levi Johnston faster than you can say 'Mom, put that gun down.' Sarah has mixed feelings. She didn't like Levi, but she'd already shot the polar bear for the wedding dress." "Lindsay Lohan is in psychiatric evaluation before being shipped off to Camp Crackaway." "Justin Bieber, 16, is writing his memoirs. Don't you have to have mems before you oir them?" "The tapes have finally ended after BP pumped cement down Mel Gibson's throat." Here's an hilarious video of Billy Dee Williams selling Mel Gibson Rant Commemorative Plates.
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Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is withdrawing all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. Thanks to all the troops who served so gallantly, and welcome to Afghanistan." "The Beauty Bandit has been arrested in Florida. This was a woman who got Botox and then ran out without paying the doctors. Police didn't even have to yell 'Freeze!'" "For the first time white bread has been outsold by wheat. I don't like to be a white-bread supremacist. Some of my best  sandwiches are wheat."

Craig Ferguson: "Justin Bieber is making a movie of his life in 3-D. I don't need to see pimples squeezed in 3-D." "Big news in the world of dinosaurs. Brett Favre is retiring. No, it turns out triceratops may not have existed. It may just have been a young torosaurus. Thank God scientists didn't name me. I'd have been facewithalesbianhaircut. Scientists still can't decide if the West Hollywood dinosaur was a triceratops or a tricerabottom." E-mail: "Dear Craig: If there were a pill that would let you be the opposite sex for a week would you take it?" Craig: "I'm European. I've taken it."

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

[Holmes is teaching her Hindustani.] By the time we landed in Bombay, I would be able to pass for a genial idiot; another fortnight, and I would merely sound stupid.

Page 21 - I had been many things as first the apprentice, then the partner of Sherlock Holmes: gipsy fortune-teller in Wales, personal secretary to a misogynist colonel, Bedu Arab wandering the Palestinian desert, working girl, matron, and Sweet Young Thing. Now, we were going to India, where I supposed I might be asked to dance in a harem or take up a position on the street among the lepers. Or perform conjuring tricks.
"We're to be Hindu magicians?" I asked.

22 - [Sherlock speaking] "O'Hara was note-perfect as a holy man, due to his long wandering in the company of a Tibetan lama. But for the man -- or woman -- with the necessary skills, one of the best disguises is that of a traveling entertainer. Native peoples expect a magician both to be itinerant and to behave in a mysterious fashion. And as long as there are no inconvenient coincidences, no village bullocks die or floods come to wash out the crops, the people are happy to accept most witchery as benign. I want you to practise your movements until you can do them backwards in your sleep."

Wednesday, August 4

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Republicans are trying to block President Obama's 49th birthday."

Jon Stewart: "Our guest tonight wrote a book about the greatest escape in the Vietnam War, and I don't mean Dick Cheney's six deferments."

Stephen Colbert: The Tennessee open primary is tomorrow, and Stephen is trying to get Republicans, Democrats and Independents all to vote for Republican Basil Marceaux for Governor. Can a joke take over the actual Republican primary? See www.BasilMarceaux.com.

David Letterman: "President Obama turned 49 today. As he blew out his candles he wished for his old job back."

Jay Leno: "If you want to buy President Obama a 49th birthday present, he's registered at Bed, Bath & Blame It on Bush." "A federal judge in California overturned Proposition 8. Gay men can now marry people other than Liza Minnelli." "Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston after he may have gotten another woman pregnant. He thought abstinence just meant with Bristol. Are we going to pull out of Iraq. We can't even get Levi to pull out of his girlfriends." "Meg Whitman has spent $99 million of her own money to get elected. She thinks the California Governorship is like eBay and goes to the highest bidder. She's asking about the 'buy it now' price." "The man who invented Cheez Doodles has died at 90. He's going to be cremated. Then his ashes will be dyed orange and stuck to people's fingers." "The NFL has banned vuvuzelas in all its stadiums except Detroit, where it will drown out fans booing."

Jimmy Kimmel: "California's ban on gay marriage has been struck down, which is great news for gays and wedding planners, which may be redundant."

Jimmy Fallon: "The inventor of Cheez Doodles has died. His ashes will be put in an urn and sealed with a chip clip."

Craig Ferguson: "In West Hollywood today guys were dancing in the streets and waving rainbow flags, and then they heard the judge had struck down the ban on gay marriage. Soon the ban wasn't the only thing getting turned over." "Forty of the country's richest men are giving half their assets to charity. I've done that twice. It's called alimony." "A 7-year-old in England is selling his paintings for $200,000 each. Makes Justin Bieber look like a pile of crap with a girl's haircut."

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 27 - [Sherlock speaking] "But those two, the young white boy raised as a street urchin and the ancient Buddhist scholar, made for the most extraordinary company I've ever encountered, Russell. The one bursting with youth and beauty, the other a sea of wrinkles, the one a guttersnipe and petty thief, the other a revered head of a monastery -- but when they met, the old man laid a potter's hands on the boy, and re-formed him in his image. The bond between them was so powerful, and so completely unlikely, it made one begin to believe in the doctrine of reincarnation. It was the only way to explain it, that they'd known each other many times over the ages."

28 - [Sherlock speaking] "I even managed two audiences with the Dalai Lama himself, who was much of an age with Kim, and although he hadn't young O'Hara's advantages in the wide world, he was nonetheless remarkably sensitive to nuance and willing to question his advisors' assumptions about the British threat."

Thursday, August 5

Strangie to David Letterman: "President Obama went on 'The View,' and Sarah Palin criticized him for pulling a cheap media stunt. Then she went camping on TV with Kate Gosselin."

Jon Stewart: "Elena Kagan was confirmed as Supreme Court Justice, changing the balance of power on the softball team." "Californiagaytion" was the segment on gay marriage. "Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore" came out to comment on the two black Congresspersons accused of ethics violations, and he pulled out his race card and swiped it through the card reader, but it was maxed out. He read the back: "Void during a black Presidency."

Stephen Colbert: "BP has started pumping cement into the oil well. Get ready for a huge cement spill." On overturning of Prop 8: "Hello, Gaymerica. It's Armagaydon. Who knows what tastefully arranged destruction awaits us. The judge even signed the decision gay: 'It is so ordered.'"

David Letterman: "King Tut's chariot is in town. Right now it's circling the block looking for a spot." "Astronaut Neil Armstrong turned 81. Most of his small steps these days are to the bathroom." "On this day in 1884 the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was first laid, and so was Betty White."

Jay Leno: "It was so hot in D.C. that Obama looked at his poll numbers just to get a chill." "The ban on gay marriage was struck down in California. This could lead to an interesting next season on 'The Bachelor.' Now you can have two people excited about a wedding." "Bristol Palin has dumped Levi Johnston because he may have gotten another girl pregnant, and he's offering to blab about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Forget him using condoms. His father should have used one." Country song or title of a segment on "Maury?" "I Knew I Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up on Top of You." "Now there's ice cream with Viagra. You can get a popsicle that never melts." "Prince Charles says he believes he was born to save the planet. Al Gore huffed, 'Who died and made you King?'" "When Japanese officials went to congratulate the 130-year-old oldest man they found he'd been dead and mummified for 31 years. And he was still on hold with Microsoft tech support."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama has turned 49, if you believe the liberal media." "Rosie O'Donnell is going to have a show on the new Oprah network. I see a clash of wills. Didn't Rosie leave a smoking crater at 'The View?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Gay marriage is now legal in California. Gay weddings are like straight weddings, but less gay." "President Obama celebrated his 49th birthday with an intimate dinner, just family, friends and the Salahis." "George Lucas is donating half his fortune to charity, his way of saying he's sorry for Jar Jar Binks." "Archeologists have found a 67,000-year-old human bone. So has Larry King's proctologist."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama celebrated his 49th birthday at a dinner with Oprah and Gayle. Gayle said she was honored to dine with the leader of the free world, and President Obama." "A poll found that the most romantic place in the world is Honolulu. I learned this when I googled romantic polls." "Hawaii was discovered by Captain Cook who named it the Sandwich Islands, after his friend the Earl of Sandwich. He used to play cards with the Count of Buffalo Wings and the Duchess of Corn Dogs. Hawaii consists of eight islands of different sizes, shapes and number of people on them, just like the Kardashians. If they remade 'Hawaii Five-O' with the original cast it would have to be 'Hawaii Five-O-My-Back.'"

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 49 - A sari is not a carefree sort of garment. To a person accustomed to clothing that remains where it was put, the lack of any fastening more secure than gravity is, to say the least, disconcerting ... Impossibly slippery silk ... is drawn gracefully up across one's chest and over the opposite shoulder, where it then spends the entire evening yearning to slither to the floor, taking the rest of the garment with it.

50 - Where Holmes learnt to arrange a woman's hair I never knew -- never wished to ask -- but he was remarkably proficient at it. It was, however, never easy to stifle the sensations caused by his strong hands in my hair ... His long fingers smoothed and twisted, sending delicious tingles down my spine, and cold England faded.

Friday, August 6
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and David Letterman off)

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon:"Siegfried and Roy have been accused of making sexual advances to male assistants. The oddest thing is that they call their tigers 'assistants.'"

Jay Leno: "California's new slogan is 'Go ahead and ask. We'll tell.' You know how they say the best ones are always either married or gay? Now they can be both." "New Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan now has a job for life, like Lindsay Lohan's parole officer." "Forty billionaires have promised to give half their fortunes to charity. Heather Mills has changed her name to Charity." "A woman who claims she was Saddam Hussein's mistress has written a book: 'Who's Your Bagdaddy?'" "A town in Florida has had to close all three libraries. And that was the only place they could be safe from running into the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" "Oregon officials closed down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a $120 business license. They tell you if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. She did, and it didn't work!" "Shaq O'Neal is going to the Celtics. I'm not saying he's old, but he announced the news on a 1-hour special on the History Channel." "There's a site called rentagoat.com where you can get a goat to eat the grass on your lawn. Though it sounds like a Taliban dating site." "Lindsay Lohan's father has written a song to her: 'I Know I Did You Wrong, But I Need Another $300.'" "There's a report that security is keeping pictures from those naked scanners at airports. But don't worry. It's only attractive people. You should be safe, sir." Correspondents Mikey Day and Trevor Moore did an adorable special report.

.

Jimmy Fallon: Happy birthday to M. Knight Shyamalan. He had a great party until the end, when everyone went home unsatisfied and confused." "Michelle Obama's entourage in Spain took up 60 rooms in the hotel. Her new Secret Service code name is Kanye." "There are more of those naked scanners at airports, so now besides a tranquilizer before a flight you also have to take Viagra." Disney is opening a theme park for dogs. They're billing it as The Crappiest Place on Earth. It doesn't matter what the rides are. The dogs just chase them." "There's a new car that runs on human waste. A little uncomfortable when your buddy asks you to chip in for gas."

Craig Ferguson: "Big news in the TV world, which loosely has something to do with this show." "The New 'Step Up' movie is out: '2 Feet 2 Furious.' It's in 3-D and so is the new 'Jackass' movie, because nothing says Oscar like a midget shooting out of a porta potty straight at you. My favorite of the dance movies was 'Pants Off Dance Off.'" Craig again showed the clip of him doing the big number from "Flashdance."
.

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 83 - He reminded me eerily of T.E. Lawrence, another small, tow-headed, and youthful man who looked at the world out of the corners of his eyes, as if in constant dialogue with an amusing inner voice.

90 - [A British army officer, Captain Nesbit, speaking] I saw the results of Dyer's order to fire on the demonstrators. Sixteen hundred and fifty rounds and nearly every one of them hit civilian flesh -- men, women, and little children heaped against the walls where they'd tried to get away from the machine-gun fire. I'll never outlive the nightmares, never. Hundreds dead, thousands bleeding, and every white man in India wondering when the country would rise up and kill us in our beds, rid themselves of us once and for all.

Monday, August 9
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert & David Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "The Statue of Liberty is closing for 9 months for the installation of a 2nd staircase. But I heard boob job."

Jay Leno: "Tiger Woods was 18 over par, his worst score ever. The last time he hit that many trees he was trying to get out of his driveway." "Exxon's profits doubled last year, probably because of their new slogan, 'Hey, We're Not BP.'" "Without food stamps many Americans would find obesity beyond them." "Remember that 7-year-old girl in Oregon whose lemonade stand was closed down because she didn't have a $120 business license? Now she has a more legitimate business. She's opened a medical marijuana dispensary." Headlines: Classified for sale ad: "Bad mitten set." "Please call and leave a massage." News item: "Sandra Jacobs, who spoke on condition of anonymity ..."

Jimmy Kimmel: "After her disorderly conduct arrest Snooki has said she'll stop drinking during the day, but that violates her contract with MTV." "Remember that couple who named their son Adolf Hitler Campbell? He's 4 now and has written his first book, 'Mein Camp.'" "Justin Bieber got hit by a water bottle onstage. Did Adolf Hitler Campbell throw it?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Simon Cowell was photographed on vacation without his shirt. He turned too fast and his nipple took out a family of five." "There's a new Pop Tart Cafe in Times Square. At last a way to enjoy them without having to make them myself." "A man was caught smuggling piranhas. And I'd thought it was dangerous putting cocaine in your rectum."

Craig Ferguson: "Smokey the Bear is 66. But if you see a real bear in the woods wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger." "On this day in 1173 construction began on the Leaning Tower of Pisa, named after the town, Leaning. It leans because of a lousy foundation. It makes as much sense as building a city on a major earthquake fault. People were shocked when they found out the tower wasn't straight, like I was when I heard about Ricky Martin. They quit working on the tower for a hundred years to let the foundation settle. Same principle as Joan Rivers."  

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


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Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 124 - [Mary] "What did Kipling call Kim? 'Little friend to all the world?'"
[Sherlock] "Yes; being all the world's friend, O'Hara ultimately belonged to no one. In that respect, the phrase applies to young Bindra. Kim, however, formed his own family as time went on, binding himself to the chosen few irrevocably and utterly. I am not certain that this child has that capacity."
"He seems to have formed an affection for us -- certainly for you."
"But can you see him hesitating for a moment to drop us if something better came along?"
I could not.

179 - This could only be the maharajah of Khanpur, come to greet his guests.

180 - Mrs. Goodheart looked confused; Sunny, on the other hand, was bedazzled by the maharajah. I couldn't help speculating about Mrs. Goodheart's opinions on inter-racial marriages.

Tuesday, August 10
(David Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "If Levi Johnston becomes Mayor of Wasilla he'll be the second-most-incompetent politician in Alaska. He's running on the platform 'I Will Get You Pregnant.'"

Jon Stewart: Jon pointed out that besides the proposed mosque two blocks from Ground Zero there's already a mosque four blocks away that's been there for forty years. Wyatt Cenac: "That's their plan! There's going to be a mosque every two blocks!" Jon: "No, that's Starbucks."

Stephen Colbert: "There was no immigration law in 1866 when the 14th Amendment was passed, which is a good thing, or the Indians would have deported us."

Jay Leno: "One good thing. After that flight attendant blew up, terrorists are now afraid to fly Jet Blue." "The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. An interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area." "Dictator Charles Taylor is supposed to have given model Naomi Campbell conflict diamonds, not to be confused with conflict cubic zirconias. In that case the war starts when she finds out it's cubic zirconia." "Brett Favre isn't too sure about that offer of $20 million to play. He's afraid it's one of those scams on the elderly."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Today is National S'mores Day, when we honor marshmallows who've been dipped in chocolate and burned at the stake to help make America the fattest country in the world." Jimmy showed a clip of Andy Dick reenacting the Jet Blue flight attendant throwing a fit, grabbing two beers and sliding down the escape slide.

Jimmy Fallon: "Justin Bieber is the new spokesperson for Proactiv acne cream, so I guess now we know what's under those bangs." Jimmy led the audience in the new Jet Blue song: "Get Two Beers & Jump."

Craig Ferguson: "On this day in 1948 Allen Funt debuted 'Candid Camera.' It was the 'Punk'd of it's day, and Allen was Ashton Kutcher. Oddly enough, he was dating Demi Moore at the time." "Some of the prank shows today are mean-spirited, like putting piranhas in grandpa's underwear. 'Ow! Get rid of these piranhas and get me a blowfish!'"

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 183 - To one side stood two men with leashed cheetahs, the cats' collars flashing with rubies; both animals eyed the delicate gazelles with feline interest, the very ends of their tails twitching, twitching.

191 - The meal itself was extreme, a bizarrely overdone ordeal-by-food, the kind of meal forced on unwelcome courtiers for the bitter amusement of bored kings.

277 - The moment my short-cropped, pomade-sleek, unquestionably masculine hair passed beneath his nose was the closest I've ever seen Holmes to fainting dead away.

Wednesday, August 11
(David Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Maybe LeBron James went to Miami to become Jewish. 'Get me a pair of garden shears. We have a hell of a circumcision here.'"

Jon Stewart: Jon showed a clip of Newt Gingrich saying we should copy China. Jon: "So to fight socialism we should become communists." Guest Laura Linney mentioned a wonderful tombstone: "I told you I was sick."

Stephen Colbert: "I'm going to Fire Island to find gay people buried up to their necks in sand so I can read the 'Bible' to their heads." "If Michelle Obama wanted to go someplace Spanish she should have vacationed in a Home Depot parking lot." "Newt Gingrich is so pro-marriage he can't stop doing it."

Jay Leno: "'Eat Pray Love' opens Friday, so, guys, you have one more day to fake your own death." "Now there's a car that runs on human waste. Hope the new car smell doesn't last too long." "The Wisconsin Teachers Union wants free Viagra for teachers. I preferred the old days when they just used a wooden pointer."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater is so good at quitting they may make him Governor of Alaska." "The Mexican Supreme Court said all states must recognize gay marriages performed in Mexico City. So men can marry each other in Mexico but can't honeymoon in Arizona." 

Jimmy Fallon: "Jet Blue has suspended Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed over the intercom, grabbed two beers and slid down the escape chute. Suspended? What do you have to do to get fired? Slater has over 100,000 fans on Facebook, but whatever you do don't poke him. You might set him off." "The present mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, says that if Levi Johnston wants to be mayor he should get his GED and keep his clothes on. Levi said, 'That idiot told me how to win!'"

Craig Ferguson: "Disney World is opening a resort just for dogs. Let's hope this isn't the year Michael Vick wins in the Super Bowl." "Hulk Hogan is 57 today. He wrestled just last year, looked like Larry King on his honeymoon." "It's a name where you can't tell if it's a man or a woman, like Ryan Seacrest." "Some wrestlers wear masks to hide their identities. Wish I'd thought of that when I started doing this crap show."

"The Game" by Laurie R. King


.

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are sent by Mycroft Holmes to India to find and rescue Kipling's Kim (Kimball O'Hara), now a grown man.

Page 292 - "Captain Nesbit," said a low voice, its English lightly accented. "I am so very pleased to see you."
"Mr. O'Hara." That was all, but he might as well have dropped onto his knee and said the words "My Lord."

293 - O'Hara continued, "I am grateful to God that I have lived to see this day. I call your husband brother now, but in days gone by he was my mother and my father, and I rejoice that my eyes can see the woman who pleases him."

318 - "Don't worry, " I told him. "Self-criticism is my husband's way of patting himself on the back."

Thursday, August 12
(David Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Our next guest is to Sarah Palin what voicemail is to Mel Gibson. Here's Levi Johnston."

Jon Stewart: John Hodgman thought that "Constitution" sounds too negative, so we should call it the "Prostitution."

Stephen Colbert: "Mosque Repellent: Ramadan celebrates the Angel Gabriel revealing 'The Koran' to the Prophet Mohammad, presumably not in cartoon form."

Jay Leno: "Only 24% of Americans approve of the job President Obama has been doing. He heard the news on Air Force One and immediately started swearing, grabbed two beers and slid down the emergency chute." "The U.N. says meat eating leads to global warming and suggests getting protein from other sources, such as insects. If you're eating a bowl of insects and a fly lands on it ..." "A pedophile made a date with  13-year-old girl online, and when she didn't show up, called her father to complain. When will Roman Polanski learn?" "There's a new drug to prevent premature ejaculation. It wasn't supposed to be announced til next week, but the scientists were just so excited ..."

Jimmy Kimmel: To honor Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater, Jimmy let passersby curse their jobs, grab two beers and go down a slide into a kiddie pool. "The only people who can't complain about their job are the cast of 'Jersey Shore.' Drinking and cursing is their job."
Jimmy did a great video of the new movie "The Expendables."
.
Jimmy: "Our next guest is to Sarah Palin what voicemail is to Mel Gibson. Here's Levi Johnston."
.
Jimmy becomes Levi Johnston's campaign manager.
.

Jimmy Fallon: "Jet Blue is paying the passengers on the flight where the attendant cursed, grabbed two beers and went down the slide $100 each. 'Sorry you had to witness the most awesome thing ever.'" "Facebook has a new feature to let your friends know your location. But if you're on Facebook don't they pretty well know you're at work?" "That 10-year-old girl who wowed them on 'America's Got Talent' is being called the new Susan Boyle. Kids can be so cruel."

Craig Ferguson: "Camden, New Jersey is closing down its libraries. Not for lack of money. The mayor saw 'Jersey Shore' and figured 'What's the use?'" "On this day in 1887 Thomas Edison invented the gramophone, the record player. I remember having a record player. Back then I didn't have to use my feet to push up my balls. When I take a shower now it's like playing hacky sack in the rain. Edison also invented the light bulb. Before that, when you had an idea a candle appeared above your head. And often set you on fire. That's why the Dark Ages were better for stupid people."

"Under the Andes" by Rex Stout
.

Rex Stout, the creator of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, wrote this as a serial when he was just starting out. Wealthy, dashing Paul Lamar, his younger brother Harry, and Harry's lover, exotic Desiree Le Mire, are trapped under the Andes with a race descended from the Incas.

Page 9 - It is pleasant to leave a welcome behind you; that is really the only necessary axiom of the traveler.

[He meets Desiree] I caught a glimpse of glorious golden hair, softly massive; gray-blue eyes shot with lightning, restless, devouring, implacable, indescribably beautiful; a skin wondrously fine, with the purity of marble and the warmth of velvet; nose and mouth rather too large, but perfectly formed and breathing the power and fire of love.

13 - I require subtlety in a woman, and so far as I could discover Le Mire knew not the meaning of the word.

Friday, August 13
(All but Leno, Fallon and Ferguson off)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Schwarzenegger did the movie because he thought 'The Expendables' was about teachers in California."

Jay Leno: "I'm afraid I did something unlucky on Friday the 13th. I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard and accidentally stepped on a crackhead." "'The Expendables' is about a team of action heroes who run into a theater to rescue a guy from 'Eat Pray Love.'" "Now they're saying that Jet Blue flight attendant, Steven Slater, was already drunk when he got on the plane. That's it! He wanted to be a pilot. The passengers said he was bitchy even by male flight attendant standards." "There's severe unemployment among young people all around the world. In China 7-year-olds are having to move back in with their parents." "A hundred nuns are suing Morgan Stanley for mismanaging their investments. How many whacks across the backs of their hands with a ruler is that?" "The U.N. says we should eat more insects for protein. 'You want flies with that?'" "Is Levi Johnston really going to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? If he doesn't go through with it, it'll be the first thing he ever pulled out of."

Jimmy Fallon: "A British billionaire is offering $100,000 to anyone who'll strip naked in front of President Obama. Nancy Pelosi is driving a new Porsche." "48% of Americans say they'd be willing to try a nude beach on vacation, but I'm afraid it's the wrong 48%." Thank You Notes: "Thank you to the people in the U.K. who set the record for the most nude people to ride a roller coaster. I just feel sorry for the people waiting in line to ride next." "Thank you tomorrow for being Dora the Explorer Day all across America, except Arizona." Guest Bobby Slayton: "On airplanes you can't take shampoo, conditioner, spray deodorant, shaving cream, toothpaste ... Everything terrorists don't use we can't carry." "My wife says, 'Porn is degrading to women and degrading to me.' I say, 'Hey, you don't have to sell me on it. I'm in.'"

Craig Ferguson: "It's Friday the 13th and 'Eat Pray Love' opens. It's scary because when she eats you see she has 900 teeth. I'm going to buy a ticket to 'The Expendables' and then sneak into 'Eat Pray Love.' Jean-Claude Van Damme turned down 'The Expendables' because there was no substance to his character. I know! In the movie Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat the crap out of Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood."

"Under the Andes" by Rex Stout
.

Rex Stout, the creator of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, wrote this as a serial when he was just starting out. Wealthy, dashing Paul Lamar, his younger brother Harry, and Harry's lover, exotic Desiree Le Mire, are trapped under the Andes with a race descended from the Incas.

Page 25 - She made her impression; not a man in the well-filled room but sent his tribute of admiring glances as she sat seemingly unconscious of all but Harry and myself. That is always agreeable; a man owes something to the woman who carries a room for him.

26 - And she sent me a glance half defiant, half indifferent, which plainly said, "If I fight you, I shall win; but I really care very little about it one way or the other."

29 - The vagaries and caprices of a beautiful woman are always interesting, and when you are allowed to study them at close range without being under the necessity of acting the part of a faithful lover they become doubly so.

Sunday, August 15, Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff
(Warning, adult language)

Strangie to Whitney Cummings: "I bought one of David Hasselhoff's albums on Amazon.com. It said, 'People who bought this also bought ... a shotgun.'"

Host Seth MacFarlane: "'Baywatch' did for lifeguards what skin cancer did for lifeguards."

Lisa Lampanelli: "Your music is big in Germany. If they'd played it in Auschwitz the Jews would have sprinted for those ovens." "It's no wonder George Hamilton loves the sun. They were both born in the same year. The difference is, the sun is really a star." "Hulk Hogan, shh, listen, it's the sound of a 19-year-old's balls hitting your ex-wife's chin."

Jeffrey Ross: "The only difference between Hoff and Hitler is that Hitler knew when it was over." "Hulk Hogan's so old, the first time he pinned a guy the ref counted him out in Roman numerals." "Pam Anderson and the Hoff both made embarrassing videos with meat stuffed in their mouths." "You insert 'Hoff' in everything except 'I've been Hoffered a job.'"

Pamela Anderson: "I'd really like to work with you again, David, but there are no parts for a person like me in gay porn."

Gilbert Gottfried: "David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, when it opens in the morning and then stays until it closes."

Jerry Springer: "David, I'm just glad your career isn't alive to see this. You've never been in anything good in your life, except Pamela Anderson."

Greg Giraldo: "On to the man of the happy hour. Hoff, the Queen of England dubbed you Sir Osis of the Liver. Your liver is so black and shriveled and dead that if you put your ear next to it you hear it say, 'What you talkin' about, Willis?'"

David Hasselhoff: "Look at the people up here. If a bomb were to hit this stage tonight the world would lose a bomb." "Pammy, since 'Baywatch' we've gone our separate ways, like your nipples. I still see Pam running down the beach each morning, from her creditors." "Hulk Hogan has been wrestling for 3 decades, with his sexuality. For him the hardest thing about winning a championship belt is finding shoes to match." "George Hamilton, I hope I look as good as you when I'm 200."

.

Monday, August 16
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jon Stewart: John Oliver on freedom to build the mosque: "Can you build a Catholic church next to a playground? Yes. But should you?"

Jon Stewart: "Ramadan is a Western Muslim celebration honoring Ramada Inns." "Mosque-arade: Who knew freedom of religion is like Century 21: location, location, location." Then Jon  showed a clip of the guy who proposed the mosque near Ground Zero as an earlier honored guest on Fox. John Oliver interviewed a New York Muslim woman who showed him the official city notice to her saying she couldn't be a foster mother because she would deny the child pork (even though Jewish people who don't feed children pork are allowed to adopt). Then John interviewed four teenagers looking for foster homes, and all four chose a foster parent over delicious pork. Jon introduced guest Emma Thompson  by saying the next Nanny McPhee will be "Nanny McPhee and the Deathly Hallows."

Stephen Colbert on Arizona: "The U.S. hasn't seen a surge of immigration on this scale since the Mayflower." "Now there's gay marriage in Mexico and Canada, so the U.S. is the meat in a gay sandwich. Now Mexican gays in the U.S. will realize that what they want is south of the border. And in Mexico. We must stop the gay drain."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Obamas vacationed on the Gulf. Obama said, 'You don't think the Gulf water is safe? Here, let me put my 9-year-old kid in it.'" "Lady Gaga was in L.A., and once again Lord Gaga was nowhere to be seen." "It was revealed in a lawsuit that Paris Hilton got paid $3.5 million to wear a certain brand of fake hair. It's more than she gets for wearing nothing."

"Under the Andes" by Rex Stout
.

Rex Stout, the creator of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, wrote this as a serial when he was just starting out. Wealthy, dashing Paul Lamar, his younger brother Harry, and Harry's lover, exotic Desiree Le Mire, are trapped under the Andes with a race descended from the Incas.

Page 30 - Well, Le Mire danced for them. For myself it was barely interesting; I have passed the inner portals of the sacred temples of India, and the human body holds no surprises for me. But the good people of San Francisco were shocked, astonished and entranced. Not a man in the room but was Le Mire's slave; even the women were forced to applaud. She became at once a goddess and an outcast.

33 - "Le Mire," I said. "I could love you, but I won't ." And I turned and left her without another word.
Why? I haven't the slightest idea. It must have been my vanity. some few men had conquered Le Mire; others had surrendered to her; certainly none had ever been able to resist her. There was a satisfaction in it. I walked about the lobby of the hotel till Harry returned, idiotically pleased with myself.

44 - "Paul, I love you."
"My dear Desiree!"
"I love you."
At once I was myself, calm and smiling. I was convinced that she was acting, and I dislike to spoil a good scene. So I merely said: "I am flattered, senora.."

Tuesday, August 17
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Steven Slater has about 30 media offers. Quick, get that flight attendant a pilot."

Stephen Colbert: "Tonight I look at the meat industry. Warning, it's going to be something of a sausage fest."


"Under the Andes" by Rex Stout
.

Rex Stout, the creator of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, wrote this as a serial when he was just starting out. Wealthy, dashing Paul Lamar, his younger brother Harry, and Harry's lover, exotic Desiree Le Mire, are trapped under the Andes with a race descended from the Incas.

[Now they're trapped under the Andes.]
Page 97 - And on the throne was seated -- not the diminutive, misshapen king, but Desiree Le Mire.

103 - I found myself wondering how these half-civilized brutes had possibly managed to conceive the idea of the spiral stair. It was known to neither the Aztecs nor the Incas, in America; nor to any of the primitive European or Asiatic civilizations. But they had found a place where nothing else would do -- and they made it. Another of the innumerable offspring of Mother Necessity.

104 - For, of course, Harry knew nothing of the cause of Desiree's desire for revenge on me, and it would have served no good purpose to tell him.

106 - Desiree sent me a quick glance; she was plainly surprised to find Harry in ignorance of what had passed between us that evening in the camp in the mountain. Wherein she was scarcely to be blamed, for her surprise came from a deep knowledge of the ways of men.

Wednesday, August 18
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "What's wrong with Brett Favre's family? Every time he spends 10 minutes with them he decides he'd rather be crushed under 300-lb. linemen."

Jon Stewart: Lewis Black: "The Home Shopping Network devoted 72 hours to 'Eat Pray Love' merchandise. I just wanted to be in their studio with an 'Eat Pray Love' machete. This movie's idea of true love is to match Julia Roberts with the creepy guy from 'No Country for Old Men.'" Jon Stewart on the Ground Zero mosque: "Back then the Irish were the unpopular immigrants, and of course they weren't allowed to build Irish churches, or I guess they called them pubs."

Stephen Colbert: "They wanted to see what it takes to open a zoo, and, failing that, what it takes to open an exotic meat shop." "America is like a giant pinata that Mexicans swat at until all our jobs fall out. In Mexico the whole place is run by Mexicans, like my house." " Dr. Laura Schlesinger has decided to quit radio so she can spend more time saying the 'n' word to her family."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Steven Tyler has signed on to replace Simon Cowell on 'American Idol.' Now they just need a woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown and they're set."

Daniel Tosh on "Tosh.0" showed a clip of a bride throwing up. "Well, there's the 'something borrowed.' Looks like she's regifting the shrimp." Then he showed a clip of a horrible accident in a gym class. "It's weird to see so many shirtless boys screaming when Andy Dick isn't around."

"Under the Andes" by Rex Stout
.

Rex Stout, the creator of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, wrote this as a serial when he was just starting out. Wealthy, dashing Paul Lamar, his younger brother Harry, and Harry's lover, exotic Desiree Le Mire, are trapped under the Andes with a race descended from the Incas.

Page 107 - [On what had happened with the Incan king] Here her remarks grew general and evasive, and when pressed with questions she refused details. She declared that nothing had happened; she had been fed and fawned upon, not been annoyed by any violence or unwelcome attentions.
"That's really too bad," said I, with a smile. "I was, then, mistaken when I said 'your majesty'?"

115 - Here were the descendants of the subjects of Manco-Capac, himself a son of the orb of the day, still holding to their worship of the sun, though they had not seen its light for four centuries. Deserted by their god, they did not abandon him; an example from which the followers of another and more "civilized" religion might learn something of the potency of faith.

125 - If, looking death in the face, a man can preserve his philosophy unchanged, he had made the only success in life that is worth while.

223 - And there was our raft, twelve feet square, over a foot deep, water-tight as a town drunkard, and weighing not more than a hundred pounds.

Thursday, August 19
(Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jon Stewart trying to talk Jennifer Aniston into moving back to New York: "There's an old Burlington Coat Factory you could fix up."

Jon Stewart: "Mosqueteers: In a New York Minaret:" Jon showed clips of Fox News a year ago thinking a mosque at Ground Zero was a great idea. "Extremist Makeover, Homeland Edition." Jon: "To be clear, I too am against a terrorist cell at Ground Zero, or anywhere in New York." He showed more Fox clips alleging guilt by association. "By that criterion, anyone is six degrees from don't eat bacon." Jon showed an ad asking people to join Team Pelosi. "'Team' should only be used for shirtless werewolves and people screwed by Jay Leno." Showed 'Team Jacob' and 'Team Coco' signs. Two correspondents had t-shirts for "Team Mohammad" and "Team Jesus." Wyatt Cenac as "Team Jesus" said, "We're not going to take any lip from a bunch of stoners. And by that I mean people who still stone adulterers." Jon showed a clip from "The Switch" of guest Jennifer Aniston saying, "I would be in the marked for some sperm." Years ago Jon and Jennifer had a date. Jon: "What I remember most is how many of your friends came along."

Stephen Colbert: "Over 300 million eggs have been recalled. I'd hate to be the guy who has to get them back into the chicken." "Our combat troops left Iraq two weeks ahead of schedule. So in the history books Iraq will be known as The War That Ended Early." He showed Bush's "Mission Accomplished" moment. "That's how you do it, even when you haven't done it. And you do it in a voice so strong, so right, even angels get boners. We'll give our returning troops what they've been yearning for, booze and bacon." About tainted shrimp in the Gulf: "Our inspectors are so good they can detect shrimp taint by smell. I have to use a jeweler's loupe just to see a shrimp's taint."

Jimmy Kimmel: "More than 380 million eggs have been recalled for salmonella. We've got to teach those chickens to wipe front to back."

Bumper Sticker: "May the fetus you save turn out to be gay."

"30 Rock:" Liz: "You hired me because I was a woman?" Jack: "Relax. Lemon, your hiring had nothing to do with the slight difference in our genders." Jenna leads a course to teach little blonde girls how to be mean.

McMansion: A Ben Abbott Mystery by Justin Scott, Poisoned Pen Press 2006

.

Ben Abbott, a New England realtor/private-detective solves the murder of the town's most rapacious developer.

 Page 19 - "The money's in divorce."
"Actually, there's better money in pre-divorce."
"What the hell is pre-divorce?"
"Checking out prospective spouses. Is the guy the 'international executive' he claims he is. Is her Mensa membership genuine? Is his S-Class Mercedes leased, borrowed, or stolen?"
"Sounds like you should take down your real estate sign."

56 - I recalled a time when I was a kid before guys rubbed "hair product" in their hair, before they invented Home Depot -- back when lumber yards existed for the express purpose of humiliating men who weren't contractors and offering women an opportunity to be leered at indoors.

Monday, August 23
(Leno, Kimmel. Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jon Stewart: "The Parent Company Trap:" Jon showed clips of Fox News saying the Kingdom Foundation funding the Ground Zero mosque is run by an America-hating terrorist, but not mentioning he is Rupert Murdoch's partner and part owner of Fox News. Is Fox News stupid or evil? Wyatt Cenac wore a shirt marked "Team Evil" and said that if they hadn't known, they would have splashed the man's name all over the story. John Oliver had a shirt marked "Team Stupid" and showed a clip of a Fox Newswoman not knowing the word "ignoramus," googling the definition, and still getting it wrong. Wyatt Cenac: "If they're not evil, they're really, really stupid." John Oliver: "And if they're not stupid, they're really, really evil."

Chelsea Handler: Madonna and her 12-year-old daughter Lourdes have launched a clothing line called Material Girl. "They're the next generation Joan and Melissa Rivers." Chelsea had three of her male staffers come out in Lourdes' clothing.

David Letterman: "They just had Donald Trump's Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Iran was disqualified for enriching uranium. Miss Universe contestants are like a Trump building: tall and very high maintenance." "They're doing restoration work on the Statue of Liberty, and they're auctioning off a piece of her nose. They'll even throw in one of Joan Rivers' old noses. It'd go nicely with my Lincoln nose from Mt. Rushmore." "Rod Blagojevich followed in a long line of corrupt politicians and walked out of a Chicago courtroom smiling." "The Obamas are on vacation. When they arrived in Air Force One, the President was so eager he grabbed a couple of beers and went down the slide."

Stephen Colbert: Stephen brought out the writers, each with the Emmy they just won as Best Writers for a Comedy Series. Stephen yelled, "I WON!" "Obama might actually have to be Jesus to convince people he's not a Muslim. Jesus had a questionable birth situation also." "The River Jordan is so polluted they may no longer be able to baptize people in it. But it's always been polluted. How do you think Jesus was able to walk on it? It was that thick."

McMansion: A Ben Abbott Mystery by Justin Scott, Poisoned Pen Press 2006

.

Ben Abbott, a New England realtor/private-detective solves the murder of the town's most rapacious developer.

 Page 71 - Of that elite, the best was E. Eddie Edwards, who coupled an engineer's precision logic to a lawyer's dislike of facts that did not advance his cause.

113 - "Perhaps locate a witness less likely to be served with an arrest warrant as he mounts the stand."

117 - "I think Mom met somebody."
"That's nice," I said, fully aware that Allison's mother, who had run away from a drunken father to marry a drunk, could not be expected to possess a clear eye for Mr. Right.

Tuesday, August 24
(Leno, Kimmel. Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "The Middle East is a powder keg hooked up to a time bomb on the edge of a cliff that's not wearing a condom."

Jon Stewart: "The Hurt Talker:" To Dr. Laura who used the N-word 11 times in one segment: "I think the word you were searching for was 'Beetlejuice.'" Jon also pointed out that Sarah Palin supports Dr. Laura, but thought someone else should have been fired for using the term "retard." So Wyatt Cenac had a shirt "Team N-Word" and debated John Oliver, who was "Team R-Word." Jon: "It might be different if Sarah Palin had a black child. Wyatt: "Then Todd might have a few questions too." "Bed Bugs & Beyond:" Story on 500% increase in bedbugs.

Chelsea Handler: Heather McDonald: "'Jersey Shore' makes me miss Jello shots and almost getting gang raped." Mel Gibson wants to give 1% of his income to his ex-mistress for child support. Jeff Wild: "That's like giving a 1% tip to your waitress to say that's how bad the service was." Jeff: "Forget Kegel exercises, ladies. No one cares how much your vagina can bench press."

Stephen Colbert: "Homepage Security: Tonight I investigate internet privacy and the bank records of Mary Singleton of Fairview, Ohio." "Control-Self-Delete" about prospective employers looking at your Facebook page. "Your online past can destroy your offline future." "The latest threat is Iran's new drone called the Ambassador of Death. And with diplomatic immunity it can park anywhere."

David Letterman: "Miss Mexico won Miss Universe. Good luck in Arizona. It's a wonderful contest. We got to see plastic surgery from 84 different countries." "Tiger Woods' divorce is final. Now how's a great-looking blonde with $500 million going to find a guy? Tiger has a sense of humor about it. He handed Elin one of those giant checks.'"

McMansion: A Ben Abbott Mystery by Justin Scott, Poisoned Pen Press 2006

.

Ben Abbott, a New England realtor/private-detective solves the murder of the town's most rapacious developer.

 Page 123 - Jeff made a face. "Sherman is totally last century."
"How so?" I asked, recalling that in the previous century, Sherman had also been last century.

133 - Marion laughed and stood up from the booth. "I can have you any time I want."
"Lording that fact over me is beneath you."

"The one with the child can't ask, Ben. She has to be asked. Or she'll never know if there's room for both of them."

Wednesday, August 25
(Leno, Kimmel. Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "King Tut's penis was there in 1922, but it was missing in 1968. Some thought it was appropriated by the Nixon administration, but that wrinkled mass of flesh turned out to be Henry Kissinger. Stay tuned for 'King Tut's Penis, Part 2: The Res-Erection.'"

Jon Stewart: "Community Center of Death:" Title of segment on Ground Zero Mosque.

Chelsea Handler: Ben Gleib: "I'd like to have sex with a pregnant woman so I wouldn't be lying when I said I had a 3-way."

Stephen Colbert: "No incumbent out there suffered a more decisive defeat than Sen. John McCain, rejected by voters for his anti-tax cut, anti-border fence stands. people voted for a man with the exact opposite views, dark horse candidate Sen. John McCain." "King Tut's penis was there in 1922, but it was missing in 1968. Some thought it was appropriated by the Nixon administration, but that wrinkled mass of flesh turned out to be Henry Kissinger. Stay tuned for 'King Tut's Penis, Part 2: The Res-Erection.'"

David Letterman: "New York is the city that never sleeps. You know why? Bedbugs. Back at your hotel bedbugs are draining your mini-bar." "Yesterday in practice Brett Favre fumbled his teeth. Today he faded back to pass a kidney stone." "Tiger's ex-wife is young, beautiful, and leads the PGA in earnings this year." "Have you heard about the giant egg recall? The Hello Deli is serving huevos infectos. There's already a movie about the egg recall: 'Eat Pray Vomit.'" "John McCain easily won his primary race and had a big celebration at this ranch, The Lazy Colon."

McMansion: A Ben Abbott Mystery by Justin Scott, Poisoned Pen Press 2006

.

Ben Abbott, a New England realtor/private-detective solves the murder of the town's most rapacious developer.

 Page 145 - "I have long suspected that for men, merely being noticed is a powerful aphrodisiac."

166 - "I've always thought that for every unmarried Chevalley there's a lucky woman who got away."

188 - An eager fellow lurched at the women, grabbing his crotch to present it like a bouquet. Gwen Jarvis gave a nod toward the parking lot. Numerous less drunk Jarvises led him away, opening the door with his head.

243 - "I don't see it generating a lot of money, Greg."
"Screw money. I'll take two men owing me favors any day."

Thursday, August 26
(Leno, Kimmel. Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Chelsea Handler: "'American Idol'? I miss the old days when we picked out singers by who was best at going down on Clive Davis."

Jon Stewart: "I Have a Scheme:" Glenn Beck is speaking from the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Jon: "Romance? That mean I gotta do her from the front?"

Stephen Colbert: "Toyota recalls the Matrix. They should have recalled the sequels. They sucked." "People are upset that Glenn Beck is speaking from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of MLK's 'I Have a Dream' speech. Aug. 28 is also Jason Priestley's birthday, but you don't see him getting his panties in a bunch, though I wouldn't mind." "You Mosque Be Kidding: A drunk man broke into services in a mosque in Queens, yelled slurs and urinated on prayer rugs. He was arrested for trespissing." "I imagine the departing troops in Iraq had a bumper sticker: 'My other war's in Afghanistan.'"

David Letterman: "Lindsay Lohan was in the jug for about 4 days, and she's been offered $1 million for an interview. That'll teach her." "New York City is running out of burial plots. Let's use the potholes. The situation's so bad that some nights we have to put dead people in our audience." "Burger King is offering something containing 4 Whoppers and a pizza, wrapped in your last will and testament." "CNN has asked Larry King to stay on. Not long; just a couple of marriages."

"Then Hang All the Liars" by Alice Storey, Pocket Books © 1989

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Ace Atlanta reporter Samantha Adams investigates the underage daughters of the upper crust stripping and hooking.

Page 22 - "Sounds like a mine field blowing up is what it sounds like. Ain't nobody downtown gonna touch it with somebody else's dick."

71 - "How is San Francisco these days? Have you been there recently? I have lots of friends, but I've been afraid to call." His voice trailed off.
She knew he meant the Castro, the gay neighborhood.
"Quieter," she said.
"It's quieter here, too. Quieter everywhere."

"Who's something?" Sam moved over to the woman's yard.
"Them gays. Well, I tell you, I heard you over there talking with him. When I was a girl it was something folks just whispered about. It was a crime against nature is what it was. Now it's all out in the open. Well, hell, to each his own, I say.

Friday, August 27
(All shows in reruns)

Sunday, August 29 Emmys hosted by Jimmy Fallon + Comedy Central Specials

Here's the Emmy intro with a lot of stars in the skit:
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Special Strangie to Ricky Gervais: "No, I'm not going to say anything about Mel Gibson. He's been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews ..."

Unknown winner: "A big thank you to our wives, without whom we'd probably be dating around a lot."

Jimmy Fallon: "Our next presenter is a man Stephen Colbert calls a national treasure. Please welcome Stephen Colbert: " Stephen: "Hello, ladies. Many of you look lovely tonight."

Jane Lynch: "I'm not a Buddhist, but they seem like a very calm people."

Neil Patrick Harris: "I'd like to thank the Academy for allowing a gay man to host the Emmys 2 years in a row. You're doing a great job, Jimmy."

Bryan Cranston: "While I was walking up here I'm sure there were 300 friends of the other nominees texting 'You were robbed!' and I can't argue with them."

Jimmy Fallon: "I used to think this next fellow was a fat, loud, obnoxious Brit, but he's lost a bit of weight. Welcome Ricky Gervais."

Ricky Gervais: Ricky complained there's no alcohol at the Emmys, not even backstage; so he had waiters serve bottles of beer to the audience. "'The Office' is in syndication. These are on me." Reading the nominees: "I hope it's Bucky Gunts, because I didn't think you could say that on TV. And the winner is ... BUCKY GUNTS!"
Here's Jimmy Fallon as 3 famous singers lamenting "24." "Law & Order" & "Lost."
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I especially liked Jimmy as Elton John lamenting "24:" "Miss one episode, have to buy the DVD," and as Billie Joe Armstrong lamenting "Lost:" "I didn't understand it, but I tried."

Jimmy Fallon: "Afterparty at Betty White's house!"

Comedy Central Specials

John Oliver's special ""Terrifying Times" on Comedy Central: ""The Oreo pizza is proof to the terrorists that there's nothing they can do to us worse than what we'll do to ourselves." "We in Britain were the first to use Catholics as fuel, a renewable energy resource."

Kirk Fox special on Comedy Central: "If they really expected me to pay back my student loan, why'd they let me major in anthropology?"

"Then Hang All the Liars" by Alice Storey, Pocket Books © 1989

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Ace Atlanta reporter Samantha Adams investigates the underage daughters of the upper crust stripping and hooking.

Page 84 - Julia resumed. "So Florence said that was all right, Medford  could cancel the honeymoon and they could sell the double-wide, but they weren't giving back the pig. Said Miss Hazel [the pig] was a nonrefundable deposit on the marriage and wasn't gong home just because Maureen had reneged.
"Well, of course, Mavis had a screaming hissy fit. It was one thing to be losing a daughter, but it was entirely another to be losing a favorite sow. She sent Medford over to Florence's and Frank's house carrying a double-barreled shotgun to demand Miss Hazel's return, but Medford laid it down on the porch when he got there because he really didn't intend to go shooting his cousin or his cousin's wife, even if she was, as Mavis said, a walleyed bitch."

85 - [Maureen didn't see the point of letting a perfectly good wedding go to waste, so she just substituted her new India Indian boyfriend,] "By this time, of course, Mavis was beyond hissy fits, she was into apoplexy. She had just had it with all of them: Medford, who wouldn't shoot his cousin; Maureen, looking after her own self who didn't give a hoot about Miss Hazel; Florence, who'd stolen her baby; and Mahatma, who unless she was mistaken, was not only some kind of Negro but also thought pigs were unclean. Now there had never been a cleaner pig that Miss Hazel unless it was Louise. And to top it all off, Louise had taken to her sty and wouldn't get up because she just knew that they'd sent Miss Hazel off to slaughter and that she was next, no matter how many times Mavis told the sow that that wasn't true. Louise just grunted and rolled her little eyes."

[Mavis creeps over to Florence's and Frank's farm, and when she can't find Miss Hazel, burns their barn down. After the wedding the next day ...] And Florence was standing right there beside Miss Hazel when the wedding party arrived. There was Florence, in her best Sunday-go-to-meeting dress. And there was Miss Hazel, pit-barbecued whole with an apple in her mouth."

Monday, August 30
(Stewart, Colbert, Kimmel & Fallon in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Air Guitar World Championships were held over the weekend. In keeping with tradition, the winner was a loser."

Chelsea Handler: "Michael Lohan says he's opening a rehab center in California, probably so he can spend more time with his daughter."

David Letterman: "I watched the Emmys, of course, with Oprah and Jay. Dr. Death, Jack Kavorkian, was there. He liked the death montage." "I'm hurting inside. Paris Hilton was arrested again. Your move, Lindsay. Paris just thought it was time to change her mug shot." "Tonight is the 17th anniversary of 'The Late Show.' You know, I really ought to learn the names of the staff. We started right after Johnny Carson got Lenoed. In honor of the occasion, today the NBC execs faxed me the finger. Why do I do it? I still get a kick out of firing people." "George W. Bush observed the 5th anniversary by doing exactly what he did 5 years ago. Nothing."

Jay Leno: "Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab to make way for Paris Hilton." "The judges were going to pick Miss USA for Miss Universe, but Miss Mexico said she'd do it for a third the cost." Headlines: Political ad for sheriff candidate: "My 38 years in lawn enforcement ..." Joy riders stole a boat, beached it, burned it, and then discovered they were on an island.

Craig Ferguson: "In Paris Hilton's defense, it was in Vegas, where cocaine is part of the breakfast buffet. Police became suspicious when they noticed the little dog Paris keeps in her purse rolling up a $100 bill." "I stayed home for my 2-week vacation and had plastic surgery. I now have the ass of a 20-year-old."

 


Tuesday, August 31
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "Paris Hilton has been charged with possessing not an ounce of common sense."

David Letterman: "It's 93 and sizzling today, like Madonna." "There's a shortage of burial plots in New York. General Grant now has a roommate in his tomb. Running out of plots? 'Desperate Housewives' did that two years ago." "Tiger Woods has bought an apartment in New York, making everybody forget all about that mosque thing. I saw him today taking out the trash. I think her name was Rhonda."

Jay Leno: "One in five Kenyans believe Obama was born in Hawaii." "Paris Hilton was arrested again. Whatever happened to the sweet young girl from Beverly Hills we came to know and love in that sex tape? Paris said the cocaine wasn't hers. On the other side of the nightclub Lindsay Lohan opened her purse and found a Chihuahua with a nosebleed. Paris said she'd thought the cocaine was gum, but then she also thought her CD was music." Jay showed Paris's mug shots all the way back to 5 years old when she was arrested for killing two drifters. "Mexican drug lord The Barbie was arrested in his Malibu dream house." "I was in Vegas this weekend. In the middle of New York, New York was a mosque." "Hitler used an early form of Viagra which didn't always produce the right effects, which is how the Nazi salute came about." "Heidi Montag is having her breast implants removed. Counting Spencer Pratt, that's 3 giant boobs she's getting rid of." "The Kardashians are selling a clothing line at Bed Bath & Behind."

Jimmy Fallon: "Roger Clemens testified before Congress denying steroid use. It didn't help that after swearing on a 'Bible' he ripped it in half." "Heavy drinkers outlive nondrinkers. But the ways they die are much more embarrassing." "Paris Hilton has been arrested, and could be sentenced to 6 more months of being talked about." "Justin Bieber canceled a concert due to illness, but doctors now have the zit under control."

Craig Ferguson: "A man in Bulgaria is having a sex change to look like Lady Gaga. If you want to look like Lady Gaga, keep the penis." "New York is having an infestation of hard to get rid of pests. Yes, the cast of 'Jersey Shore' is in town. No, it's bedbugs. Bedbugs can go for a year without feeding, like supermodels. Bedbugs have been found in the Empire State Building, hotels, and Bill Clinton's offices. 'I got bitten a lot down there, and then I got bedbugs.'" "When I looked under the covers last night I found half a cockroach. The first half."

"Then Hang All the Liars" by Alice Storey, Pocket Books © 1989

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Ace Atlanta reporter Samantha Adams investigates the underage daughters of the upper crust stripping and hooking.

Page 86 - "Did Maureen cry?"
"Hell, no. Anybody who'd jilt her fiance at the blood test wasn't gonna shed a tear over a little old thing like that."

99 - This was crazy. Who would hire this girl -- with the smart mouth and the humungus tits?
Hoke.
Hoke would in a flash. And he needed an assistant.

109 - "Why am I doing this?"
"Because you owe me."
"I don't owe you."
"You'll owe me till death. Till they stab you with a silver stake through the heart."

115 - The humorist Fran Leibowitz once wrote that the French are Germans with good food.

155 - "Well, you'll be missing out on some mighty fine stuff. You ain't seen nothing, sugar, until you've seen a real strong grieving family chewing on the bones of the deceased."

180 - If you pour coffee into a drunk, you get a wide-awake drunk.

For each day's funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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