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America's Costliest Topical Zingers, August 2009

Created by teams of top-dollar zingersmiths, delivered by hosts making tens of $millions

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

August wins: Letterman 7, O'Brien 7, Fallon 3, Kimmel 3, Stewart 1

August 31 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Madonna is going to visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Yes, the crumbling edifice thousands of people have stuck things into is going to visit the Wailing Wall."



Monday, August 3 winner: Jon Stewart: "A guy had sex with the same horse twice, and would have gotten away with it if the horse hadn't bragged about it on Facebook." (Showed post from Equus77.)

Tuesday, August 4 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "The President turned 48 today, if you believe he was born at all. What do you get for the man who has Oprah?"

Wednesday, August 5 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "When the plane landed back in the U.S. Clinton was told, 'Please return your journalists to their original upright position."

Thursday, August 6 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Bill Clinton was seen in a Korean massage parlor yesterday negotiating his own release."

Friday, August 7 winner: Conan O'Brien: "A TV newscaster was fired for being too gay when he stood behind his co-anchor and announced, 'This just in.'"

Extra report: Sunday, August 9 Joan Rivers Roast printable winner: Host Kathy Griffin: "And now I'm going to do something that's never been done in a Hollywood pitch meeting, bring up Tom Arnold." All the jokes below under August 9.

Monday, August 10 winner: Conan O'Brien: "They're now making ice cream with Viagra. It's for the man who wants an erect penis but doesn't want to see it."

Tuesday, August 11 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Miley Cyrus said it wasn't a stripper pole she used on the 'Teen Choice Awards.' It was an abstinence pole."

Wednesday, August 12 winner: Conan O'Brien: "President Obama said in a town meeting that he's not going to pull the plug on Grandma. There was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed."

Thursday, August 13 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "In France a Muslim woman wasn't allowed in a swimming pool in a burqini, which covered her entire body. She'd even had a burqini wax on her eyebrows."

Friday, August 14 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Have you seen the new show 'Town Hall Fight Club?'"

Sunday, August 16 special report winner: Ron White: "My old lady and I were going at it when the cleaning lady walked in, which is WAY better than the other way around."

Monday, August 17 winner: David Letterman: "Rosie O'Donnell is breaking up with her partner. Kelly gets the house, and Rosie gets the tugboat."

Tuesday, August 18 winner: David Letterman: "Did you know 90% of U.S. paper money has traces of cocaine? Talk about stimulus money! At least American money is worth something now."

Wednesday, August 19 winner: David Letterman: "Squeaky Fromme is out of prison. There aren't many jobs for unstable gun-toting women, unless she wants to be Governor of Alaska. I apologize for that joke. Sorry, Squeaky."

Thursday, August 20 winner: David Letterman: "A storm leveled trees in Central Park. Donald Trump said, 'It's a start.'"

Friday, August 21 winner: David Letterman: "The Hippocratic Oath requires the doctor to keep you waiting in your underpants for at least ten minutes."

Monday, August 24 winner: Conan O'Brien guest Bill Maher: "I'll show you Barack Obama's birth certificate if you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma."

Tuesday, August 25 winner: David Letterman: "Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke replaced Alan Greenspan, who got into trouble arranging dog fights. Now Bernanke just has to pass the gender test."

Wednesday, August 26 winner: David Letterman: "Martha's Vineyard has a drink to honor the President's visit, the Obamarita. George W. Bush inspired the Mohidiot."

Thursday, August 27 winner: Conan O'Brien: "It's so hot today I slipped in a puddle of Joan Rivers."

Friday, August 28 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "California is $30 billion in debt with no way of paying it off, so we decided to set the state on fire and collect the insurance money."

Monday, August 31 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Madonna is going to visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Yes, the crumbling edifice thousands of people have stuck things into is going to visit the Wailing Wall."

Monday August 3
This week David Letterman is in reruns.

Jon Stewart: "Master Rebators: Cash for Clunkers: The government could use the same approach to solve the health care problem too. They'd call it 'Greenbacks for Grannies.' It's the Axe Body Spray of stimulus programs. 'Sure I want to attract women, but I don't want to be gang-raped in the elevator." Jon showed the "Crank Cycle: Fox news broadcasts a new talking point. A viewer repeats it in public. Fox covers that as a news item, thus proving the talking point." "A guy in South Carolina said an escaped gorilla was an ancestor of Michelle Obama. I won't believe that until I see the gorilla's birth certificate."

Conan O'Brien: "George W. Bush is writing his memoirs: 'Me Do Bad Job.'" "John McCain says he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate as part of a high-risk/high-reward strategy, same reason he takes Metamucil." "Sarah Palin is denying divorce rumors. And, really, when have you known her not to see something through?" "Some Mozart music has been found. Here's one piece." (A pianist played the theme from 'Cheers.') "A guy was dating four different women. They found out about it and put Krazy Glue on his penis. Unfortunately they didn't know about the fifth woman." To go one better than Cash for Clunkers, Conan is going to blow up a winner's car on TV and give the winner a new Lexus HS. See nbc.com for entry rules.

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama turns 48 tomorrow. Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of silence." "In a recent performance Paul McCartney dedicated 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. He also dedicated 'Tax Man' to Barack Obama and 'I Am the Walrus' to Kevin Federline." "A young man tracked down the people who'd stolen his iPhone by using the app 'Find My iPhone.' His funeral is Wednesday." "A Wal-Mart employee in Tennessee was bitten by a robber. Luckily, since this was Wal-Mart, no teeth were involved."

Craig Ferguson: "There's a video of Tiger Woods farting on a golf course during a tournament. He won the match. The fart came in third." "Mark Wahlberg was married over the weekend, with valet parking by the Funky Bunch." "It's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Sharks have no predators. They go where they please and eat what they want. They're the Baldwins of the ocean."

"Big Bang Theory": Leonard: "Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?" Sheldon: "How else are they going to learn?" Later: Sheldon: "I'm obviously too evolved for driving."

Tuesday August 4

Jon Stewart: "That story's full of more holes than a $30 hooker with a piercing fetish, a heroin habit and three anuses."

Stephen Colbert: "It's a big day for over half of America and all of Kenya. It's Barack Obama's birthday. 'Fox News' said people think Obama is Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed. And none of those people was born in America."

Conan O'Brien: "Obama turns 48 today. In lieu of gifts he's asked that donations be made to his favorite charity, General Motors." "Bill Clinton got two American journalists released from North Korea, or as he calls it, 'another Asian happy ending.' Clinton said, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by a tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses.'" "John McCain said he's voting against Sonia Sotomayor, though he admits she was great in 'West Side Story.'" "The Post Office said it may lose $7 billion this year, presumably while mailing the money to itself." "A company has come out with beer for dogs. If anyone needs to loosen up a bit in social situations, it's dogs." "Some male web sites think Megan Fox has been getting too much coverage, so today they're having a Megan Fox blackout. Men are spending the day running errands, repairing relationships with friends and family, and resting up for tomorrow." "A Florida woman was arrested with cocaine in her bra. Authorities became suspicious when her breasts wouldn't shut up." "Birthers have come up with what they claim is Barack Obama's Kenyan birth certificate. What's really suspicious is the ad along the bottom for a document forgery service."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Bill Clinton went to North Korea to gain the release of two shapely attractive female journalists. It's nice to see him get a release he won't be impeached for." "The Post Office is closing several hundred postal stations. I look forward to watching postal workers complain about how slow the lines are at the unemployment office." "Jon and Kate have returned. Evidently they got joint custody of the camera crew." "On 'Wheel of Custody' Katherine Jackson got custody of Michael's three kids. She's already changed Blanket's name to Slanket as part of an endorsement deal."

Craig Ferguson: "Dan Rather is suing CBS for $70 million. If CBS had that kind of money they wouldn't have an immigrant hosting a late-night talk show." "You know what's at the top of Mount Everest? A Starbucks. A Yeti is basically Bigfoot with hard nipples." " ... and you'll turn into a big tough Englishman, like Madonna."

Jimmy Fallon: "Bill Clinton won the release of two female journalists being held by North Korea. At first he didn't want to go, but then he was told he'd be visiting a women's prison." "David Beckham and Arnold Schwarzenegger are teaming up to promote California tourism. They hope to make the state as popular as American soccer." Guest Joan Rivers: "The only other time I saw a urinal in a master bathroom was at Ellen DeGeneres' place." "My mother-in-law finally died. I always told her, 'You get sick, call 9-1-2.' And she was a whiner: 'You're standing on my windpipe!'" "Suzanne Sommers is so old that to get the Thighmaster between her legs you have to get her drunk."

Wednesday August 5

Jon Stewart: "William Jefferson Airplane: The Dog is Back." (Bill Clinton rescuing journalists from North Korea) In another report two scientists were shown arguing over whether humans are closer to chimpanzees or orangutans. Correspondent John Oliver just wanted to know whether a human could get an orang pregnant. Assured that it couldn't happen, he disappeared into a motel room with a lady orang. Jon Stewart to guest Paul Giamatti: "You played John Adams. Is it true he was born in Kenya?"

Conan O'Brien: "One of the journalists said she was shocked to be led from the North Korean jail into a room where she found Bill Clinton. She was even more surprised that he was wearing nothing but a towel." "In Detroit, police seized a half million dollars in pot plants. Police found the one profitable business in Detroit and shut it down." "The Tokyo Disneyland had a 78% drop in profits. They've had to turn the Finding Nemo ride into a sushi bar." "A controversial new doll teaches children about breast feeding. The most disturbing thing, it looks like Charlie Sheen." "A Florida cop is in trouble for forcing guys he pulled over to give him oral sex. He told them his penis was a Breathalyzer. No transition here, Paris Hilton has built a $300,000 house for her dogs. The house is so nice the dogs won't let her on the furniture." Jimmy Kimmel: "Bill Clinton parachuted into North Korea in the dark of night with a knife between his teeth ..." "Paula Abdul has decided to leave 'American Idol' and go back to medical school. Her successor is going to have some tough prescriptions to fill." "Paris Hilton has built a $325,000 house for her dogs. It sounds expensive, but she owes a lot to those doggies. They taught her her favorite style."

Jimmy Fallon: "The use of antidepressants has doubled over the last ten years. At least the makers of antidepressants are happy." "Today is National Waffle Day, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I go back and forth." "Radio Shack has changed its name to The Shack. They came up with that when they asked themselves, 'What would you call a crappy looking building?'"

Craig Ferguson: "The North Korea mission wasn't that difficult for Bill Clinton. He's used to sneaking women out of government buildings. I wonder how Al Gore felt about Clinton saving his employees. That's like NBC asking Jay Leno to save the whole network. I think ex-Presidents are like superheroes. When Bill Clinton sees the signal in the sky, he slides down the old stripper pole ..."

Thursday August 6

Jon Stewart: "Carpy Die-um" was a segment about the death of a 63-pound British carp that had been caught and released 63 times. Queen Elizabeth had used a live Corgi as bait. "Ahmadidn't Win" was about the president of Iran being accepted by the Grand Exalted Leader. Jon: "I haven't seen a better beard-on-beard kiss since Liza Minnelli's last wedding."

Conan O'Brien: "There's a rumor that one of the Spice Girls is going to take over for Paula Abdul on 'American Idol.' It's 'Posh replaces Slosh.'" "After Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation Lou Dobbs moaned about another job gone south of the border." "Obama's popularity rating is so low his new Secret Service code name is NBC." "In order not to prejudice jurors in his murder trial, C-Murder is going by his given name, Craig Murder." "A man is suing Oprah for a trillion dollars for stealing a book idea. Oprah replied, 'Do you have change for a quadrillion?'" "Gerard Butler says he's taking his relationship with Jennifer Aniston to the next level, leaving her for Angelina Jolie." "O. J. Simpson claims his cellmate is dangerous and is plotting to kill him. Turns out he was looking in a mirror."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Welcome to Comedy for Clunkers." "Twitter was down for two hours today. I was OMG about it. People were forced to tweet in person." "Steven Tyler of Aerosmith tripped on his lips and fell off the stage."

Jimmy Fallon: "Judge Sonia Sotomayor has been confirmed. Will she sit next to Simon or Randy?" "Arena Football has gone bankrupt. Evidently they ran into a wall." "Twitter was down today. Ashton Kutcher was running around crying, and Shaq was calling people out of the phone book at random and giving them updates." "In Iowa you can now text message 911. Priority will be given to messages that say WTF and have a frownie face."

Craig Ferguson: "In Sturgis, South Dakota, they're having the annual gathering of bikes and biker mamas and the men who ride them both. When you're wearing all that leather you have to be careful what bar you walk into. I've made that mistake hundreds of times."

Friday August 7

Conan O'Brien: "Bill Clinton flew back a hero on a private jet with two beautiful journalists he'd rescued from a women's prison. The Presidency was just a stepping stone to his true calling." "Paula Abdul wanted 'American Idol' to pay her $10 million a year." Andy Richter: "They could pay her $100,000. She'd never notice a couple of zeroes." "Twitter was shut down and Facebook was crippled for several hours today. American productivity rose 129%." "Rush Limbaugh says that, like Hitler, Obama rules by dictate. At last Obama has won over Rush Limbaugh." "There's going to be a new Broadway musical about the porn industry: 'Guys & Blowup Dolls.'" "C-Murder's trial for murder is bringing shame on the whole Murder name."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Paula Abdul says not to worry; wonderful things are open to her. She could be a new Octomom, Governor of Alaska ..." "A new gold mining bill is opposed by the mining industry and Heather Mills." "A man in South Florida was arrested on ten counts of possession of child pornography, and he blamed his cat for walking across his keyboard. But wouldn't the cat have downloaded kitty porn?" Guest Quentin Tarintino told how he got Brad Pitt to be in his new movie by drinking six bottles of wine with him and then bringing out the smoking apparatus. "And that's how you get the most sought-after actor in the world to be in your movie." Jimmy: "That's also how you get six kids."

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden and his wife are on vacation. It's also the best vacation Barack Obama has had in years." "We'll each need three shots this year to protect against the flu, so I drank six shots to be safe." "'G.I. Joe' and 'Julia & Julia' are going head-to-head in theaters this weekend. Experts predict a big fight with your girlfriend." "Harvard University is coming out with Harvard Yard Clothes. They're nice, but very hard to get into unless your father wears them first." "A principal found forty cigarettes in a student's locker and made him smoke them all. The kid said, 'Hey, I had beer and pot in there too!'"

Craig Ferguson: "I don't get Paula Abdul. To leave a top-rated show with all that money you'd have to be high. I don't like it. This country has room for only one rambling woman who quits, and that's Sarah Palin." "G.I. Joe was an action figure with guns and no genitals. They were called action figures because dads didn't want their sons playing with dolls, because it might make them gay." Craig showed G.I. Joe with six-pack abs, looking like one of the Village People. "Around the same time there was a very popular game called Ker Plunk. You dropped these balls in water and said, 'Ker plunk.' That was the whole game. I remember I was 13 and at dinner I said, 'Ker plunk.' Now it's happening again. I sit down in the bathroom and feel cold water and say, 'Ker plunk.'"

Special Report: Sunday, August 9, Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers


Host Kathy Griffin called roaster Carl Reiner a barely living legend. She announced Joan Rivers who came out with six little kids: "Brad and Angelina were having a garage sale. Now, go make some jewelry." Kathy: "For Joan a sex tape would be what she uses to keep her vagina from running down her leg."

Greg Giraldo: To Kathy: "Thank you, Tranny Bonnaducci." To Gilbert Gottfried: "You didn't want to be here tonight, but you tightened your belt and came, like David Carradine." To Joan: "Before the surgery you used to look your age. Now you don't even look your species."

Mario Cantone: "Judy Garland first met Joan when her house fell on her sister."

Kathy Griffin: "And now I'm going to do something that's never been done in a Hollywood pitch meeting, bring up Tom Arnold."

Tom Arnold: "The Apple guy, Tom Wozniac, dumped Kathy because her face was such a pop-up blocker." To Joan: "That plastic surgery is going to save your daughter Melissa a fortune in taxidermy costs as she carts you around to bolster her career. Joan, you keep going when most comics your age have quit because they're dead."

Jeff Ross: "Joan had a choice, to be on this rsoast or become the fifth celebrity to die this month. Joan, you were my great-great-great-grandmother's favorite comedian. Next year we'll roast a younger Rivers, like the Nile or the Amazon. Joan's a cougar, a Freddy Cougar. And Kathy Griffin? I wouldn't f**k her with Chastity Bono's new d**k. Tom Arnold's here. I guess that's a joke on us."

Carl Reiner (Kathy introduced him as Sponge Bath Squarepants): "On 'The Dick Van Dyke Show' we couldn't even say the word 'pregnant.' I want to break out of my restraints. F**k. S**t. I wish my mother and father were alive to see this."

Melissa Rivers: "Unlike the others up her tonight I know I'm not a comedian. I had a horrible dream that I was at my mother's funeral. The horrible part was that I was 75. I remember when I was a little girl asking my mother, 'What's a b.j.?' She said, 'Fifty bucks, two dinners and a watch.'"

Brad Garret: "Carl Reiner's so old he's watching me in black & white. Joan's had her face on more red carpets than an Irish lesbian. Joan's face has been lifted more times that Bristol Palin's prom dress."

Robin Quivers: "Mario Cantone is so gay he has to have Brazilians for the hair in his teeth. Joan's been called a bitch more times than a white man in prison."

Whitney Cummings: "Gilbert, what's with the squinting? No matter how hard you peer you won't be able to see Jeff Ross's d**k. Robin's slept with so many white guys her hymen's still intact. Joan, I loved you in 'The Wrestler.'"

Gilbert Gottfried: "Joan spread her legs and I was blinded by a flight of bats."

Daniel Tosh: "Joan, we've set up a web site in your honor: www.thingsolderthanjoan.com. Fire, the wheel, dirt. That's about it."

Joan Rivers: "Gilbert, you make me so ashamed to be a Jew I'm going to leave here, drive to Malibu, and give Mel Gibson a b.j." "Like the American flag this face has had fifty stars on it."

Monday August 10
This week David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel are in reruns.
Craig Ferguson's studio is shut down for conversion to HD, so he taped this week's shows in July, thus no topical material.

In this morning's "Examiner Scoop:" "Kathy Griffin turned heads with her Teen Choice Awards date: Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's baby daddy."

Jon Stewart: On health care reform: "Healther Skelter: Sarah Palin is afraid Barack Obama wants to kill babies. It's a good thing she resigned. That type of thing looks better on a Facebook page than on a Governor's stationery. She goes along, and then she opens up that little box of crazy." Correspondent Samantha Bee: "The death panels should remain in private insurance companies."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama discussed immigration reform with the Mexican President in his home, which is now in Los Angeles." "Three Supreme Court Justices are now from New York City. 'All rise' has been changed to 'Hey, we're judgin' here!'" "Kate of 'Jon & Kate + 8' is still wearing her wedding ring. Jon says, 'She can keep the ring. I just want my testicles back.'" "C-Murder's murder trial was very short: 'State your name.' "C-Murder.' 'The prosecution rests.'" "Prisoners are being allowed to make and sell hot sauce from peppers they've grown. Their slogan: 'Your ass will burn like you're in prison.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Now that Sonia Sotomayor has been confirmed for the Supreme Court, Ruth Bader Ginsburg will have a yoga buddy." "A woman in Greece set fire to the genitals of a man who was pestering her in a bar. Who really feels bad is the guy's buddy, who said, 'Go talk to her. What's the worst that can happen?'"

Craig Ferguson: "I always TiVo 'The View' and watch it at night. The neighbors think I have five cats." Guest Carrot Top had a porn star job application. It was a big piece of cardboard with various-sized holes. He also had a mousetrap with a disco ball to attract gay mice.

Tuesday August 11

"Daily Show" correspondent Larry Wilmore: "Obama is post-racial, but we're not." Showed a white woman crying, "We want our America back!" Larry: "She wants her America back? Tell that to the Indians." "This is what happens when you have a melting pot. The stew gets darker." Jon Stewart: "Do you think Obama gets fed up with our idiocy? This is the first President where his approval rating of US could go down."

Conan O'Brien: "Hillary is in Africa. Bill is in Las Vegas. So why is he the one who woke up ten feet from a goat?" "Obama does not want to pull the plug on grandma. He favors the pillow-over-the-face option." "The Royal Opera in London is commissioning an opera composed entirely of tweets. It's to help audiences hate opera in an entirely new way." "A company was selling organic vegetables from an old fleet of ice cream trucks, but all the trucks were overturned and burned by fat kids." "An article on the top ten dead people rumored still to be alive was won by Elvis Presley, but the results are being questioned by Keith Richards."

Jimmy Fallon: "The health care town hall meetings could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt." "Hillary Clinton lost it when someone in Africa asked her about her husband's opinions. In her defense she was exhausted from her trip to North Korea to rescue ... Wait, that was Bill. Hillary may be the first white woman ever to do a neck roll."

Craig Ferguson: "In 1802 Thomas Jefferson served America's first barbecue to Benjamin Franklin, James Madison and Larry King." "I like barbecued giraffe. 'Neck anyone?'" To Betty White: "What do you think about selling San Quentin and making it into condos?" Betty: "That's ridiculous. Who'd want to live in a condo filled with murderers?"

Leah Garchik's "S.F. Chronicle" column: "'He's the nicest imaginary boyfriend I've ever had.' Woman discussing Tim Lincecum with another woman, overheard at Friday's Giants game by singer Connie Champagne."

Wednesday August 12

Jon Stewart showed kittens playing in a Kleenex box. "What if you're allergic to kittens, and you reach for a Kleenex, and it turns out to be a kitten?" Clip of Obama telling a town meeting that FedEx and UPS are doing fine, and the Post Office is the one messing up. Jon: "Maybe that's not the best thing to say when you want the government to run health care."

Stephen Colbert: "Let Freedom Bling: The President handed out 16 Medals of Freedom. Haven't we had enough government handouts?"

Conan O'Brien: "The head of ABC said Paula Abdul was a giant talent and his network 'wants a piece of that.' Women's groups immediately protested, 'Did he call Paula Abdul a giant talent?'" "GM said the Chevy Volt would get 230 mpg. Now Nissan says they'll get 367 mpg. Toyota says their car will get 500 mpg, plant a rainforest and give birth to an endangered panda." "In a poll 25% of Irish women picked Colin Farrell as the fantasy father of their baby. For the other 75% Colin Farrell IS the father of their baby." "CBS has canceled 'The Guiding Light' after 72 years when they realized most of their viewers had already been guided toward the light."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's remarks about the Post Office messing up will probably anger a lot of postal workers, but what could happen?" "An 87-year-old grandmother was bitten by a rattlesnake, so she grabbed it and killed it with her bare hands. Even PETA was saying, 'Way to go! Make a belt.'" "Minnie Mouse was groped at Disneyland. She said it was the worst thing that's happened to her since she was slipped a Mickey."

Craig Ferguson: "The Romans could flood the Coliseum and have naval battles! You can't do that in a modern stadium. Of course the Romans didn't have the tee-shirt cannon."

Thursday August 13

Jon Stewart showed several older clips of Glenn Beck griping about how bad the health system is and now him on Fox saying our health care is the best in the world and we shouldn't touch it. In a segment "Rod Blagojevitch Quest for Rock Bottom" Jon listed all his goofs, ending with a video of the ex-governor singing an Elvis song for money and then introducing Fabio. "Well, not Fabio. A Fabio impersonator."

Stephen Colbert: Glenn Beck is losing his sponsors. First his mind, now his sponsors."

Conan O'Brien: "Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs, and people say Bush won't be happy. Because it's one of those books that's all words." "When asked about Hillary in Africa, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish she were home.' By that he meant he wished she lived in Africa." "Over $20 million in pot was found growing near a Girl Scout camp. Authorities became suspicious when the Girl Scouts sold $5 million in cookies." "At Disney World a man was arrested for groping Minnie Mouse. Police are wondering if he's the same guy who slipped a roofie to Sleeping Beauty." "Taco Bell is now serving breakfast. Most popular is the Rootie-Tootie-My-God-It's-Tearing-Me-Open." Continuing Johnny Carson's tradition of showing large numbers of falling dominoes Conan knocked over forty Domino's Pizza employees. Guest Robin Williams talked about the New Jersey rabbis' black market organ business: "Open 24/6." "Is it possible to twitter during sex? 'OMG WTF ZZZ.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "It's Fidel Castro's birthday. In a socialist country you have to split the cake among several million people." "Amy Winehouse's brother wants to do a musical of her life: 'Cokelahoma!'" "In Florida sixty pounds of cocaine was found in a bag just sitting on the sidewalk. Police are looking for the most frightened guy in the world."

Craig Ferguson: "Why are they all porn stars? What about the porn character actors, the poor working stiffs?" "When I was young there weren't hundreds of channels. In the 1950s we had 'I Love Lucy' or Larry King."

"30 Rock:" Jack: "This company has a strict bros before hos policy." Jenna: "Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear."

Friday August 14

Conan O'Brien: "The Obamas have left for Yellowstone Park to see Old Faithful. Hillary Clinton is returning from Africa to see Old Unfaithful." "Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs, 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" "DNA tests confirm John Edwards as the father of his mistress's child. The sample kept grooming itself on the microscope slide." "Canadian schools have instituted a new grade, 'FD' to indicate the student cheated. Formerly this grade was 'A+.'" "Some people in Israel are swearing they've seen a mermaid. The bottom half was smoked salmon." Guest Triumph the Insult Comic Dog said his favorite movie is "Lassie Come Twice." Guest Shaq did jokes: "Yo' mamma's so nasty she keeps ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh," and, 'Yo' mamma's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to ... everyone." Guest Dimitri Martin showed drawings: a balding eagle, a little coffin on a big coffin to illustrate a ventriloquist's funeral, a mermaphrodite, a guy with a lisp sleeping, going "Th - th - th - th," and a fish fart: one fish on one side of the bowl and all the others on the other side.

Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards is the father, proving that whoever denied it provided it. He says he's so ashamed he can't look at himself in the mirror, which saves him four hours a day." "Michael Vick is going to the Philadelphia Eagles. And the Minnesota Vikings have hired Phil Spector. It's a good thing they're not the Philadelphia Beagles." "Jon Gosselin is having a pool party in Las Vegas this weekend. Women are expected to be lining up to drown him." "Sarah Palin has changed her Twitter account to @SarahPalinUSA. The person most affected? Sarah Palinusa." "A study showed women spend 12,000 hours of their lives crying. Men spend the same amount of time not knowing what they've done wrong." "Heidi Pratt says she has thirty to forty orgasms a day with her husband Spencer Pratt. She says, 'That's when you throw up a little in your mouth, right?'" "This is our hundredth show, so it's time for me to collect on a bet with a friend who said we'd never make it that far." The first show's guest Robert De Niro came out and handed him $100 without a word. Jimmy: "He talked as much as the first time." "Dick Cheney's new memoir should give the Republicans a real shot in the face." "Miley Cyrus, 16, acted like a stripper on the 'Teen Choice Awards.' If she really wants to piss off her father she could just cut his allowance." "We'd like to thank the insurance company death panels for unplugging grandma and freeing up an outlet for a Chevy Volt." Guest Tracy Morgan has a new book "I Am the New Black." He's in "A Couple of Dicks" with Bruce Willis. "And we're working on 'A Couple of Dicks 2: It Just Got Harder.'" Jimmy thanked him for being so nice to him his first day at "Saturday Night Live." Tracy: "Yeah, I gave you a ride to the afterparty, and a year later you were the star of the damn show." Jimmy told how they ran into George Lucas, and Tracy ran over, dropped to his knees, grabbed George around the waist and started yelling, "Yoda is my father! Yoda is my father!" Guest Neal Brennan: "Ladies, do you like romance? You should. You get all the benefits." "If you saw the movie, he's the Asian who has the nude scene. He set the Asian cause back an inch and a half."

Craig Ferguson: "What does science know? Science said we couldn't bedazzle a cat. Okay, science was right. Sorry, Mr. Tibbles." "The first person to write about time travel was H.G. Wells. Huge Genitals Wells."

"The Soup" showed a clip of Regis telling Kate Gosselin that he thought Jon was going to come back to her and tell her he loved her and asked her what she thought of that. Joel McHale: "She's used to people in diapers asking her stupid questions." "If you missed out on this show about kiddie beauty pageants because your trench coat was at the cleaners ..." "If there's one thing I've learned in my years of watching Spanish TV it's that I don't speak Spanish. Oh, and that there's never a time not to take off your shirt." Showed clip of woman giving birth and hot young husband strips off his shirt and slides it under her. "I agree the best use for an extra small yellow Polo is mopping up afterbirth."

E! special "The Comedians of 'Chelsea Lately'":
Sarah Colonna:
"You can get clamidia from a bicycle seat. And I thought it was from all the condomless sex I've been having." "I've realized I'm at the age where the response to my friends being pregnant isn't necessarily, 'Oh dear. What are you going to do?' My friend told me, 'Sarah, you have to procreate.' I said, 'Have you met me? It's enough to have one person in the house cry herself to sleep every night.'"
Guy Branum (a very large gay man): Why is it that if we make dogs fight it's a crime, but if we make black men fight it's boxing, or football or ...?"
"Guy is barely a name. In college I finally got a nickname. They called me 'The Futon,' because I was so good at making sex awkward." "Once my mother found out I was gay she wanted to make me the biggest gay in the county. If she couldn't have grandchildren she might as well get a blue ribbon." "Me trying to exercise is like Paula Abdul going into rehab: a nice gesture, but nobody thinks it's going to work."

Sunday August 16 Special Report
Ron White and Greg Giraldo Comedy Central Specials

Ron White "Behavioral Problems:" "I get winded easily, but, ladies, if you don't mind starting and stopping, I may be the greatest sex on the planet." "As Richard Milhous Nixon said in his Inaugural Address, 'Shake for me, woman, I wanna be your back door man.' OK, Led Zeppelin, not Richard Milhous Nixon." "It doesn't have to be the tip of your tongue. It doesn't even have to be his frenulum. Put your tongue on any part of his penis, and things are going to work out just fine for the two of you." "Turns out there are two kinds of anal, and my wife's the wrong kind. I thought she might do it on our anniversary. I took her on a cruise, got her all shined up, and she still said, 'Ron, I'm not going to strap that thing on.' I went, 'But I bought the best one, the Brokeback 2000.'" My wife surprised me by getting a nipple ring. She asked, "Doesn't it look sexy?" I said, "It looks like the plug in my grandma's bathtub." "A friend of mine got his penis pierced, and he says that when he takes it out and a woman gives him a b.j. it whistles." "Is there a problem with women having their periods in space? Hell yes. In zero gravity the psycho bitches can fly!"

Greg Giraldo "Mid-life Vices:" "In the subway today I heard a guy yell across the tracks, 'Yo, Monica! Yo, Monica! You got AIDS!' Our health care system is in trouble if that's the way they deliver the news." "I love the Puerto Rican Day Parade, where they prove you just can't be too big to wear a tube top and a thong. That message needs to get out there." "We'll never buy small cars in this country, because we've got big fat kids." "Barack Obama has some kind of homeless brother back in Kenya. It's always like that. Jimmy Carter had a brother Billy. Bill Clinton had that brother Roger. Jeb Bush has George W." "It's ridiculous discriminating against gay people. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. I'm attracted to women, and it sucks. Every ten years I have to give up all my stuff and move. That said, still I think some of that gay stuff is on purpose. I have three sons. Would I care if one of them turned out gay? How gay? I wouldn't care if one of my sons was gay. I'd still have two normal sons with a chance of getting into heaven. Having kids is something. Oh, and have dog owners ever told you having kids is like having a dog? Listen, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out. And you have to pretend you love your kids the same, and I do. I treat my main son and the other two the same." "Drugs are wasted on the young. You should save it up for when you have to have sex with other old people. With Viagra guys want to do it until they die. Ladies, wouldn't a hit of Ecstasy come in handy about then?" "I do so much texting, sometimes I get mixed up. I texted my mom to bring an 8-ball because I was going to f**k the s**t out of her. She texted back, 'You know you can't get wood on blow.'" "There are more whipped guys on sitcoms than on the Amistad." "My friends are asking if I got hurt in the stock market. No. I have the same money I had before everything crashed. Turns out investing all my money in tequila and hookers was a wise move." "I can't believe they want to take away athletes' records because they used steroids. It's entertainment, folks. Crack cocaine is illegal, but nobody's taking gold records away from Whitney Houston. Michael Phelps smoked weed, and they acted like he'd been caught shooting heroin into the soft spot of a preemie baby. They say it sends the wrong message to children. Yeah, you can smoke a little weed and still be the fasted swimmer in the world."

Monday August 17
This week Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson are in reruns.

Jon Stewart: "Heal or No Heal."

Stephen Colbert: "Good news, people. We are about to defeat President Obama's evil plan to keep us healthy."

David Letterman: "Michael Vick is playing for the Philadelphia Eagles. He had to pass a physical and have a flea dip." "Y.E. Yang beat Tiger Woods, and 'Golf Digest' has upgraded him from 'Unknown' to 'Relatively Unknown.'" "Bill Clinton said he hadn't seen the tape of Hillary in Africa, and I thought to myself, 'I bet this guy has a pretty good idea what she's like when she's angry.'" "Obama was in Mexico last week visiting with leaders, and afterwards he laid a wreath on the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." "It's the fortieth anniversary of Woodstock, so people gathered there, but there was an ugly scene. Evidently somebody was passing around some bad Lipitor. Time just flies. One day you're in a muddy field listening to Joan Baez. Next thing you know you're in a town hall meeting screaming about health care. Did you realize Dick Cheney was at the original Woodstock? He was there hunting hippies." "Madonna turned 51 on Saturday. Friends said she was alert, she knew where she was, and she even had a small slice of cake. And President Obama called to assure her no one was going to pull the plug on her." "Tiger Woods lost a big tournament, but he said, 'Would you practice if you had a hot Swedish wife?' Instead of winning majors, he's focused on making every recipe in Julia Child's cookbook." To guest Quentin Tarantino: "We're glad you're here. Frankly, we'd have preferred Brad Pitt."

Tuesday August 18

Jon Stewart: On a report of people showing up at health meetings with guns, correspondent Wyatt Cenac: "If Obama wants my gun he'll have to pry it out of my cold uninsured hands."

David Letterman: "It's so hot today they're landing planes in the Hudson just to cool off." "Michael Vick has been reinstated in the NFL. I'm just happy the Taco Bell Chihuahua didn't live to see this. Now if we can just get the Detroit Lions reinstated in the NFL." "Tiger Woods lost a big tournament, so they sent him back down to miniature golf." "Rosie O'Donnell and her partner are breaking up. Kelly gets the china, and Rosie gets the power tools. Rosie's single again! Oh sure, now that I'm married." "Squeaky Fromme is out of prison. She's going to spend a year making all the recipes in the Julia Child cookbook. She's finally free, now that I'm married." "I have the CBS health package. When I get sick I can only be treated by Dr. Phil. And if I die, I get to be a corpse on 'CSI.'" Dave to Donald Trump: "How are you as a golfer? I'll bet you're not very good." Donald: "I have a two handicap." Dave: "Bring out the lie detector." Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President: 10. "I'd be the first President to wear eye shadow since Nixon." 8. "Free pie for everybody." 4. "America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy." 2. "Three words: Vice President Diddy." 1. "Finally the media would pay some attention to me."

Wednesday August 19

Stephen Colbert: "Shame on the Administration. How are people in town halls supposed to scream questions at you if you keep interrupting them with answers?"

David Letterman: "Here in New York it's 89 and miserable today, like Regis." "Brett Favre just announced he's going to the Minnesota Vikings. They're giving him the 10 p.m. slot. He's getting $12 million. Talk about cash for clunkers!" "Bernie Madoff's mistress has written a book. He scammed $65 billion, cheated on his wife for 20 years. I'm starting to think there's something a little shady about the guy. His mistress says he was a fabulous kisser. Then she noticed her gold fillings were missing. His new lover Walt also says he's a fabulous kisser." "I have CBS health care. If I die I get a guest shot on 'The Ghost Whisperer.'"

Thursday August 20

Jon Stewart: "Some 90% of American money has traces of cocaine. We're on the Colombian Gold Standard. Washington, D.C., was the highest. You'd think they'd get more done." To garbled guest Betsy McCoy, the one who started the death panel controversy: "The translation of what you said in Alaskan ..."

Stephen Colbert: "Earth's population is nearing 7 billion. We're catching up with you, McDonald's."

David Letterman: "To join the Vikings Brett Favre had to pass a rigorous physical Ñ and a death panel. Fran Tarkington called the whole thing a circus, which is unfair to Ringling Brothers." "An 18-year-old South African athlete is going to have to take a gender test. She has to pee in a cup and then drive it to the lab. If she doesn't stop to ask directions, she's a guy." "Every fish tested in American streams had mercury, so Mrs. Paul is offering a fish stick you can use to take your temperature." "Sunday's Miss Universe pageant will include a contestant from District 9. I quit watching the year they disqualified Miss Pluto. Donald Trump owns the pageant, and it's like him, a little bit gaudy and very high maintenance." "In the Afghani elections Al Franken is ahead. There are already reports of irregularities in Dade County." "Squeaky Fromme is out of prison. She'd described as an unstable gun nut. Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." Top 10 things overheard outside Afghanistan polling stations: 10. "Can my goat vote?" 8. "Is this the Fire Dave Letterman rally?" 1. "I'm voting for the candidate who can see Turkistan from her cave."

Friday August 21

David Letterman: "Today I was mowing the lawn, and when I emptied the mower bag the neighbor's cat was in there." "Turns out Bernie Madoff, besides swindling billions of dollars, had a mistress for twenty years. Say what you will, that Barbara Walters really gets around. He took her life savings, screwed them right out of her." "Squeaky Fromme is out of prison, and guess what, guys, she's single. Her next step is to get reinstated by the NFL." "At town hall meetings people are yelling and screaming. If there's one thing Americans hate it's comprehensive health coverage. Dick Cheney said, 'Death panels? Count me in!' Cheney's written his memoirs: 'Too Fat to Waterboard.' Once Obama found out Bush and Cheney weren't speaking he invited them to the White House for a beer. Turns out Bush stopped listening to Cheney. Maybe he wasn't so dumb after all." Dave's Fun Facts: "Nine out of ten people are uncomfortable with the term 'seepage.'" Guest Patton Oswalt: "All our friends said we should have the baby at home, like women on the prairie. Listen, women giving birth on the prairie were dreaming of hospitals."

Kristen Schaal on Comedy Central: She called her boyfriend on stage, gave him a cupcake with a candle for his birthday, and proposed marriage. He said no and went back to his seat in the audience. She asked him why he refused her. He threw the cupcake at her, announced, "You made me gay!" and stormed out. Kristen: "No, we weren't lesbians. We were much more than that. We were bestians."

Eugene Mirman on Comedy Central: "Kids say the darndest things, but so would you if you had no education." "They put me in special ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed for the ladies." "I found a guy's iPod, but Apple wouldn't give me his information because I might rape him. That was their tone." "That you're supposed to play dead is a rumor bears started." "If this is being shown in the future, and you don't know who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you live underground."

Arj Barker on Comedy Central: "The only way another country can learn our military secrets is by watching the Discovery Channel." "Google has such attitude. 'Did you mean "vagina?"' Yes, Google Images, I meant 'vagina + hairy + vintage + 1970s.'"

Monday August 24
This week Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson are in reruns.

David Letterman: "It was so hot in New York City today, the 'Fire Dave' rally was clothing optional. In Washington they moved Lincoln out of the Memorial to cool off."

"Mexico has legalized drug possession. Hola, Senorita Winehouse. I'm just glad the Taco Bell Chihuahua didn't live long enough to see this. As you know, the poor dog died of a ruptured chalupa." "Fidel Castro was all over the television this weekend. He looked fit, healthy; he looked so good the CIA is considering having Squeaky Fromme go down there and take a shot at him. They're saying Castro looks remarkably good for a man of 83. That's also what they're saying about Brett Favre." "Today on Martha's Vineyard President Obama was out on the beach and he ran into John McCain looking for coins with a metal detector. Obama says he's going to golf, he's going to swim, and he's going to work his way through the Julia Child cookbook. He's taking two weeks to unwind, as compared to President Bush who never wound." "Miss Universe pageant this weekend. Contestants were judged on poise, beauty, and the way they walk in high heels, same way the Republicans pick a Vice Presidential candidate."

Conan O'Brien: "Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression after a run-in with Hurricane Hillary." "Bill Clinton's offices had to be closed because of an infestation of bedbugs, one of five hundred reasons he shouldn't have a bed in his office." "Lindsay Lohan's house was robbed, and police don't know whether they're looking for a man or a woman, and neither does Lindsay." "KFC has a new sandwich where they've replaced the bread with fried chicken. They're calling it The Last Supper." "The Miss Universe pageant was hosted by Billy Bush, with a song by Heidi Montag. There were no survivors." "A guy exposed himself on a Southwest Airlines flight. It's the first time anyone on Southwest ever saw free nuts." Introducing guest Bill Maher: "People got upset that Bill said America is a stupid country." Bill: "Yeah, stupid people." Bill: "Do you know what's in those things? I wouldn't eat a hot dog even if you put a condom on it."

Tuesday August 25

Conan O'Brien: "A female South African track star may be a man. Officials became suspicious when she won the pole vault without a pole." "Brett Favre is going to play the first half of the game for the Vikings, then retire and come back to play the second half for Houston." "People who multitask often are very bad at it. The study was reported in 'The Journal of Medicine, Anthropology, Beekeeping and Antique Car Collecting.'" "A man in New Zealand lost his wedding ring in the ocean and found it on the beach a year later. The most amazing thing is that his wife believed his story." "A new reality show is going to follow Pauly Shore's attempts to adopt an African child. It's called 'Please, Mister, Let Me Go.'"

David Letterman: "On Martha's Vineyard where the President is vacationing they've named a drink 'The Obamarita.' For Bill Clinton it was the screwdriver." Whenever Dave mentioned Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke a group of beautiful women in the balcony screamed madly." "A 95-year-old man has retired after being a bartender for 77 years. He was so old the tip jar also contained his teeth. He said the worst part of the job was listening to Mel Gibson complain about the Jews." "Today is Regis's birthday. Friends gave him a surprise party. They jumped out from behind his money. As usual Regis went to the restroom just before the check came. They showed clips from the first game show Regis hosted: 'Who Wants Fire?'" "In honor of Quentin Tarantino's 'Inglourious Basterds' KFC is offering Inglourious Biscuits. You get a free order with every Nazi scalp." "On Martha's Vineyard President Obama is having dinner with Oprah, and I should be invited. Oprah has a TV show. I have a TV show. Oprah's a national treasure. I'll pay for dinner." Guest Eugene Levy: "I was doing nothing, thinking of myself, quite favorably I might add ..." "I was filling out the form, and I yelled to my wife, 'Deb, what color are your eyes?' There was a pause, and she yelled back, 'Ask my lawyer!'" "I didn't go to the original Woodstock. I was working on a porn film. We felt it was a story that had to be told."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Cash for Clunkers is over, but they'll revive the program in a few months when the Minnesota Vikings try to trade Brett Favre."

Wednesday August 26

David Letterman: "It's so hot today I know what you're thinking. Pull the plug on the old folks. Just don't pull the plug on the air conditioner." "I'm sorry I'm late getting out here, but today was the day CBS made me take a gender test." "Abdula Abdula has dropped out of the race in Afghanistan, but they think his dumb son, Abdula W. Abdula, may run." "The CIA has released its list of approved torture methods: sleep deprivation, waterboarding and attending Donald Trump real estate seminars." "Now Obama is saying if you need an x-ray and don't have the money, stop by the airport and go through the scanner. President Obama's playing golf on Martha's Vineyard with Tiger Woods, and Tiger's hoping the new health care plan covers choking. Dick Cheney also played golf. He shot three birdies and two buddies." Dave showed a clip of himself in "Inglorious Basterds" playing Hitler's unstable downstairs neighbor. Dave to guest Anne Heche: "I have more time since I got married, since I'm not dating anymore."
Top 10 questions asked by Palm Beach residents about the Muck Monster: 10. "Is it single?" 9. "Can we get an Obama death panel to kill it?" 8. "Is it dating Kate Gosselin?" 5. "Can I follow it on Twitter?" 2. "If this thing attacks me, am I totally mucked?"

Conan O'Brien: "Oprah Winfrey is having dinner with President Obama on Martha's Vineyard. Yes, the most powerful person in the world is having dinner with President Obama." "Bernie Madoff's mistress says he had a tiny penis, but Bernie promised her it would grow 40% a year." "The French have started a new program to attract more American tourists: showering." "At Disneyland Snow White won $5 million in the lottery, and now everybody's hitting on her for money, except, of course, for Bashful." "A man was arrested for drunk driving in the drive-through lane at McDonald's. He was slurring his words so badly they gave him a job at the drive-through lane at McDonald's." "An elderly woman was elected Miss Nursing Home, but two minutes later the runner-up had to take over. No, she's fine. It's just that nude photos surfaced." "There's now an e-card you can send somebody to say they gave you an STD. And if it's herpes, they keep getting cards." "There's a new 'Star Trek' cologne. The slogan is, 'Set your phasers to lonely.'" Conan brought out a giant bust of him that had been exhibited at the Minnesota State Fair. It was made out of white chocolate, and the hair was made of bacon. Andy Richter suggested, "Take it home and wake the kids up with it."

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy wanted to make a reality show of Kate + 8 + the Jacksons. "A study shows fat people have 8% less brain than skinny people." [Showed that a fat person's brain was a cheeseburger.] "That's why when fat people try to do math it smells like meat." "A South African female runner is having to take a gender test. That's why they should run these things naked." Guest Robin Williams: "After I woke up from open heart surgery I was so emotional I thought they hadn't given me a valve; they'd given me a tiny vagina." "I was nude in the movie, so I had to shave my body. There were animal rights issues involved."

Thursday August 27

David Letterman: "Summer is almost over here in New York City, so the Midtown Tunnel is no longer a pedestrian mall. I miss going to the beach, because there's nothing chicks dig more than an old guy with a bypass scar." "Thousands of stimulus checks were mistakenly sent to prison inmates. It's part of Obama's Cash for Convicts program. The good news is the checks arrived today, just in time for the big dance on Saturday." "Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and me doing the big show here on CBS. People ask me, 'Dave, why do you do it?' I have to be honest. I still get a kick out of firing people. Why do I still do it? Simple answer, on-line gambling. Sixteen years. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney. Cheney claims it wasn't torture. It was enhanced interrogation techniques. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. It was enhanced quail hunting." "Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years or until we become a colony of China." "On Martha's Vineyard they've named a drink the Obamarita, not to be confused with the one inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip." Top Ten Signs You're Dealing With a Ben Bernanke Impostor: 8. Claims he's the star of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Bernanke." 7. Doesn't have Bernanke's famous neck tattoo of Tupac and Biggie.

Conan O'Brien: "John McCain had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting. So he hasn't made up with Sarah Palin." "Fed Chief Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft. His credit card company noticed the purchase of several large failing car companies." "There's a new 'Star Trek' cologne. It says, 'It's okay, ladies, I have no idea how to unhook your bra.'" "Florida is upset that a new porn film has the same name as one of their schools, Naughty Panty Party High School." Celebrity Survey: "I'm worried that my kids ..." Britney Spears: "... will get out of that SUV and interrupt my tanning session, y'all." "You can tell a person's lying when ..." Heidi Montag: "... they say they're glad you're alive." "Sometimes I wonder ..." Michael Vick: "... who would win in a fight between Goofy and Pluto." "For me sex is a religious experience when ..." Paris Hilton: "... I'm having it with an entire congregation." "I love a woman who has ..." Ryan Seacrest: "... a penis, two testicles and a mustache."

Jimmy Kimmel: "One thing about Michael Vick, cats love him." "John McCain had to have a crazy screaming woman thrown out of a town hall meeting. That's no way to treat a former running mate."

Friday August 28

David Letterman: "Financial experts are saying the recession may be over, so I can quit my second job.

"The Woodstock generation is still taking drugs: Flomax, Lipitor ..." "Sunday will be our 16th anniversary at CBS. Seems like only yesterday security was escorting me out of NBC." "A 95-year-old man just retired after 77 years as a bartender. He just took the job until his acting career took off." "President Obama is on vacation, and he may play a round of golf with Tiger Woods. Bill Clinton used to just play around." "John McCain turns 73 tomorrow, and if you're looking for a gift, you can't go wrong with something from Very Old Navy." "Tarzan is 97. He lived in a tree with a woman from a wealthy family. No, wait, that's the Governor of California." Guest Artie Lange: "My girlfriend was born the year I got my first DUI." Guest Todd Barry: "I overheard a guy in an Italian restaurant saying, 'I'm not going to pay $10 for $1 worth of pasta. Besides, my grandma makes great pasta.' Yeah, but for that $9 you get a huge whopping side order of not having to hang out with grandma."
Top Ten Ways The Show Has Changed Since 1993: 6. Crazy lady we used to piss off: Madonna. Now crazy lady we piss off: Sarah Palin. 4. Dwindling amount of hate mail; burgeoning amount of hate e-mail. 1. Emmy Awards replaced with Fire Dave rallies.

Conan O'Brien: "To cool off today I jumped into a brush fire." "Further torture revelations. In addition to waterboarding they also used to make the prisoners wear diapers. It was called The Larry King." "China is going to start selling iPhones, but with Wi-Fi disabled, or as we call it in this country, service from AT&T." "There's now beef jerky with caffeine, called Perky Jerky. That's better than the first name, Morning Beefstick." "A farmer in Britain paid $347,000 for a sheep. When asked why, he said, 'Apparently you've never been in love.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tomorrow California is having a garage sale in Sacramento. What they should do is take some of that confiscated marijuana and have a bake sale."

Brad Wollack on "The Comedians of 'Chelsea Lately'" on E!: "Every time I see the Jonas Brothers I think, 'Why is it Buddy Holly who had to die in a plane crash?'"

Monday August 31

David Letterman: "Of course it's hotter in the subways. That's the first level of Hell. But it's so hot the city may stop requiring male passengers to wear a jacket and tie." "Swine flu may be worse this year. Thank God we fixed our health care system. Everybody's worried about the swine flu."

"Congratulations to the U.S. Little League team for beating Taiwan for the World Championship. And I hear the winning pitcher is dating Kate Hudson. The kids are looking bigger and bigger. Is Flintstones making chewable steroids?" "Congratulations to the ladies of 'The View' for winning the Emmy for Best Daytime Hosts. Of course it won't be official until they pass their gender tests. And Brett Favre won a Daytime Emmy for the long-running soap opera 'The Old and the Restless.'" "Do you folks like weird stuff that happens to the planet? There was a minor earthquake in South Carolina. There was no damage, but Governor Sanford was knocked onto his wife. Governor Sanford may be impeached for having an affair, and today he was made an honorary Democrat." "Jenna, one of the Bush twins, is going to be on the 'Today' show. They say she'll contribute about once a month, same schedule her old man was on." "Dick Cheney says Obama's probing into CIA torture practices is setting a terrible precedent, as opposed to George Bush, who was a terrible President." "Everybody's all over President Obama for bicycling with his kids and not wearing a helmet. I just hope he has good health insurance. He's the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." Top Ten Ways To Irritate Dick Cheney: 10. Try to talk to him before he's had his morning heart attack. 8. Reveal plot spoilers before he's had a chance to watch "Gossip Girl." 6. "Accidentally" throw out tub of Crisco he was saving for lunch. 4. Beat him in sneering contest. 2. At dinner ask, "Who's got a good hunting accident story?" 1. Irritate Cheney? No, he's a pretty laid back dude.

Conan O'Brien: "In Afghanistan Abdula Abdula says he won the election and is turning the case over to his attorney Shapiro Shapiro." "In Mexico 549 musicians set the record for the world's largest mariachi band, which was bad news for the diners who just wanted a quiet dinner." "Sylvester Stallone, age 63, is going to do 'Rambo 5.' He goes on several night missions, all to the bathroom." "The next edition of 'The Biggest Loser' is going to have a woman contestant who weighs 470 pounds. The biggest winner is the show's caterer." "Cheech and Chong are going to do a Broadway musical, 'Chitty Chitty Bong Bong.'" Guest Norm MacDonald told an incredibly long story about a moth who visited a podiatrist and poured out all his emotional problems. He ended with, "The doctor said, 'I'm a podiatrist, not a psychiatrist. Why did you come here?' The moth said, 'Your light was on.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin is on a trip to Hong Kong. She said Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite cities." "A Minnesota man broke into a zoo so he could feed pop tarts to the gorilla. He was found guilty of smoking the best pot ever." "The internet officially turns 40 on Wednesday. It's so old it has to ask its children how to use itself."

Craig Ferguson: "Jenna Bush is going to be a correspondent on the 'Today Show.' If who her father is was a factor in her getting hired, obviously she overcame it." "Sylvester Stallone is going to do 'Rambo 5.' He uses a grenade launcher to get the kids off his lawn." "On my vacation I fell off a horse. I know! When CBS heard I might be seriously hurt they tried to have me put down."

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