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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Dave Letterman: "Shia Labeouf ran his truck into another car and turned it over, or as Andy Dick calls it, parking."
Jon Stewart: "I googled 'gay' and 'WMD' and got a drag queen named Sodomy Hussein." Introducing the night's guest: "Brian Williams worked his way up from a roller skater in a gay nightclub."
Jay Leno: "At first they thought Amy Winehouse had a skull fracture, but she was just a crack head." "So in San Francisco you can't buy cigarettes in a pharmacy, but you can marry the Marlboro Man." "A woman in Canada had her 18th child. By this time the kid could just stroll out."
Joel McHale of The Soup interviewed the shark that bit Ryan Seacrest: "Most human feet are disgusting, but this chick had the daintiest pedicured tootsies." Comedian Jon Dore sang a song about a homosexual Nazi "Schindler's Lisp."
Jon Stewart: "The American Family Association is boycotting McDonald's for donating to gay causes. Great news for Captain Straight Jack's Chicken & Pussy." Jon also reported W is the president who's spent the least time in the White House. "It creeps him out to sleep in the same bed where his parents did it."
Dave Letterman: "Jet Blue is charging $7 for a blanket and pillow, but at least you can get a good solid 8 hours of sleep on the runway." "President Bush is in the Orient. Usually he's in the Disorient." "Brett Favre reports to the NY Jets as part of the Rosie O'Donnell trade." "Osama bin Laden's driver actually drove a lot of celebrities, but the only one he really got along with was, of course, Mel Gibson." "In China President Bush ate Peking Lame Duck."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Brangelina's twins got their father's smile and their mother's taste for blood." "Brett Favre has the most touchdown's, and now he's trying to break the record for most retirements set by Cher in 2001."
Conan O'Brien showed what celebrities are googling: "Christian Bale (who was arrested in London for familial assault): hand-to-hand-combat + homoerotic + Mother's Day. Charlie Sheen: nearest + vagina. Dick Cheney: video + puppies + drowning. Clay Aiken: upskirt - skirt + man." "Britney Spears has signed to play a psycho lesbian in The Lindsay Lohan Story.
Jay Leno: "In the car wreck Morgan Freeman's life flashed before his eyes. The scary part was that the flashback was narrated by Morgan Freeman." "Doctors are now saying men should no longer have prostate exams, unless Grandpa really, really, really can't remember where he put the car keys." Jay to Gilbert Godfried: "How did you get so fat?" Gilbert: "How did you lose your job?"
Chelsea Handler: "Clay Aiken's a father. The baby came out. Why can't Clay?" "Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson is like having your pie and eating it too."
Cloris Leachman on promo for Bob Saget roast: "I am not here to roast Bob Saget but to f**k John Stamos."
Craig Ferguson: "It's National Cremesickle Day. So remove the wrapper, slowly, slowly. Put it in your mouth. Now go get a cremesickle." Comedian Dan Cummins: "I thought I was a bedwetter. Then I learned bedwetters wet the bed in their sleep."
Chelsea Handler on Madonna signing up for one of Richard Branson's Virgin Airlines $100,000 trips to the moon: "I just hope she doesn't come back with one of those annoying moon accents." Kevin Neelan asked a woman on the street, "What would you do if you caught your boyfriend cheating on you?" "I'd have my husband kill him."
Craig Ferguson: "I did drugs, alcohol and kinky sex, but fortunately it was before camera phones. So take that, young people!"
Comedy Central Roast of
Bob Saget, hosted by John Stamos:
Cloris Leachman: "When Mary Tyler Moore had an orgasm she threw her hat in the air." "I don't know who any of you people are. I only read the trades, go to movies and watch television." "I got my theatrical training in Tijuana. No director, no script, just me and the donkey, five shows a day, six days a week, for ten years, until the donkey died of exhaustion."
Greg Giraldo: "John Stamos was once married to my favorite woman, Rebecca Romijn O'Connell."
Jeff Garland: "John Stamos is being replaced on E.R. by Jerry O'Connell." "How do you tell the Olsen twins apart? Ashley swallows."
Gilbert Gottfried: 'Jim Norton is a necrophiliac. Last night he f**ked Norm Macdonald in the career." "Cloris Leachman is so old her breasts are labeled 'whites only' and 'colored.'"
John Stamos: "Bob Sagat doesn't have a funny bone in his body, except once when he sat on Dave Coulier's. And by sat on I mean hungrily backed onto. And by once I mean 8 seasons." "Ladies and gentlemen, please tolerate Jon Lovitz."
Jon Lovitz: "Bob Saget isn't gay. The sky isn't blue. He has a beautiful wife, beautiful girlfriend. Bob likes it in his kitchen, which is code for butt."
Jeffrey Ross: "Cloris Leachman doesn't look a day past dead. She's so old Shakespeare did her in the park." "Bob Saget has two daughters in college and three girlfriends in high school." "There are still 7 words you can't hear on television: 'And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget,'"
Brian Posehn: "For 8 seasons, once a week for a half hour Full House kept pedophiles off the street. Three of them were on the show."
Jim Norton: "Cloris Leachman was wonderful in Young Frankenstein. In those days she acted under the name Peter Boyle."
Charlie Sheen on 2-1/2 Men: "A mask and a cape and the sex was boring?" Alan: "She still knew it was me."
Jay Leno: "You know what Sen. Larry Craig calls a naked man in the sink at Burger King? A Happy Meal." "A 61-year-old woman in Japan used her daughter's egg to give birth. That's one way to drop the kids off at grandma's." "A guy was arrested for having sex with a bench in the park. I can see the trial. 'May I approach the bench?' "No!'" "In Beijing the Bird Cage is now a coal-burning lead toy factory." "A small town in Tennessee is upset because a porn movie was secretly made in a public park. The husbands have organized a neighborhood watch." "Now there's a solar-powered vibrator. You thought rainy days were dull before." Headlines: "Lost: man's wedding ring in Hooter's parking lot."
Dave Letterman: "Baseball umpires are now using instant replay on close calls. They're already using instant replay in Madonna's bedroom. 'See, he didn't touch the bag.'" "Hillary's speech was so emotional Nancy Pelosi's face almost moved." "Bill Clinton got four standing ovations and five phone numbers."
Chelsea Handler on her little person sidekick: "Chuy would go up on Chelsea Clinton."
Stephen Colbert when Barack's little daughter was onstage talking to her daddy on the big screen: "Barack's real daughter wasn't pretty enough for TV. Here's his real daughter." (And they showed the little Chinese girl for whom a prettier girl lip-synched at the Olympics.)
Craig Ferguson: "Fruit bats are becoming extinct because people are cutting down the jungle. Everyone's waxing these days."
Conan O'Brien: "At the Republican National Convention Dick Cheney is most looking forward to loosening the screws on the rails in the handicapped stalls." Conan was interviewing Bob Costas, back from the Olympics: "What about that 14-year-old gymnast?" "She told me she was 18." Jimmy Carr on Conan: "Simon Cowell is spending half a million a year on security. Wouldn't it be cheaper just to be less of a douche bag?" "Now there's an almost invisible spray-on condom for especially gullible sex partners."
Jon Stewart showed the fireworks at the end of the Democratic National Convention: "Unable to contain itself any longer, Mile High Stadium ejaculated." "McCain's been hitting on Obama's lack of experience and then picks a VP whose resume makes her more fit for a Northern Exposure reunion." Correspondent Samantha Bee: "Since he's picked a woman, as a vagina-American I'll be voting for McCain."
Found on Neatorama.com, ten reasons to date a unicorn: http://tenreasonsitwouldruletodateaunicorn.com
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