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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
|I've done a separate page, based on The Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown, telling how playboy Prince Charles married England's last titled virgin, Lady Diana Spencer, and all the horrible and wonderful things that ensued. Click for an amazing story at http://www.strangebillions.com/diana/|
Wednesday Night, August 1
Jay Leno: "Hillary Clinton has been showing
a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail, so today Barack Obama made
a speech with a rolled-up sock in his pants." Also, "For their
anniversary John Edwards took his wife to Wendy's. Most guys get an $8 haircut
and take their wife for a $400 meal ..." And, "The astronauts are
going to blast off from Cape Canaveral and return a week later to the Promises
Rehab Center." Plus, "Nicole Richie is 4 months pregnant. Now
Brittney's kids will have someone to go to rehab with." Best: "The
Simpsons Movie took in $71 million, killed the competition. In fact, it's
the biggest slaughter by a Simpson since ..." On an 88-year-old man
becoming an Eagle Scout. "A Bald Eagle Scout. His tent is an oxygen tent.
And how old are the people he helps across the street?" Finally, "There
are supposedly 237 reasons to have sex. All from women. Men don't need a reason."
Guest Anderson Cooper said going gray early is like premature ejaculation. "You don't think it can happen to you, and when it does you're really surprised."
Craig Ferguson on the Graceland restoration: "Elvis used to shoot his TVs, but you have to remember, that was before the remote control."
Craig to guest Jonathan Silverman: "Did you include any Scottish traditions in your wedding?" Jonathan: "I'm sure we must have. There was a pig and a goat."
Actor Seth Rogan on Conan: "My Citizen Kane was Porky's."
Jimmy Kimmel: "I'm not gay. I think I would be if I were in better shape."
Dave Letterman: "There's a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. My number 1 reason is that my credit card went through. Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president."
Craig Ferguson: "Here's what caught my eye today: A Tennessee minister was arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt. Why is that illegal? Where I am from, if you see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a skirt, you say, 'Good morning, Grandpa!'
Thursday Night, August 2
Jon Stewart: "If you thought you knew everything about Cheney, you don't know Dick." And on Barack's threats to Pakistan: "Wow, who put the 'bomb' in Obama?"
Chris Rock commercial: "I wouldn't let Michael Jackson watch my kids on TV."
Stephen Colbert: "The Barry Bonds thing perfectly exemplifies baseball, waiting for something to happen."
Jay Leno: "The big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." Also, "Gary Coleman was caught in a car having an argument with a woman about their relationship. He wanted to continue it, but didn't have the $300." On the 237 reasons to have sex: "Women always told me the 237 reasons not to have sex." And, "For her birthday Prince Charles gave Camilla a pair of sheep. I think he's hoping for a 3-way."
Dave Letterman: "The new host of The View is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting." Also, "It was so hot today fat guys were making their own gravy." And, "Paris Hilton is making a horror movie about organ harvesting. I think I saw her on the internet harvesting an organ."
Craig Ferguson: "The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he's just repulsed by the Internet because it's full of naked women." "I have a big ego combined with low self esteem. I'm the big piece of crap in the center of the Universe."
Jimmy Kimmel: Elton John told a newspaper in London that the Internet is killing creativity and should be shut down. Imagine that. We'd have to go back to drawing our own pornography."
Harland Williams on Conan: "Did you ever make love so fast an airbag popped out of her face?"
Friday Night, August 3
Jay Leno: "Rolling Stone Keith Richards is writing his autobiography Tuesdays with Rigor Mortis."
Frazier: "Dad, don't you believe in second
chances?" Martin: "I did, and then we had Niles."
Jay Leno: "Hillary Clinton was chastised by the Washington Post for showing too much cleavage in front of the Senate. Isnt this ridiculous! Shouldnt we be focusing on Iraq, not her rack?" "Yesterday, former Arkansas state representative, a man named Jim Bob Duggar, and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pullout." "The ex-wife of former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man"
Dave Letterman: "On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. So, you have him to thank for New Yorks criminal justice system."
Conan O'Brien: "Britney Spears is in trouble again. She took her 22-month-old son to the dentist to have his teeth whitened. Britney defended herself by saying, 'It was either have his teeth whitened or stop giving him coffee and cigarettes.' "Donald Trump is coming out with bedroom furniture. He says his bed is special; it automatically kicks your wife out when she turns 30."
Craig Ferguson: "Todays a great day for music fans. Lollapalooza starts today in Chicago. Three days of rebellion, drugs, and corporate sponsorship." "Iggy Pop is playing there. I love Iggy! He just turned 60. [Shows a photo of Iggy Pop with whole body looking very wrinkled.] Human beef jerky." " Its my mothers birthday today! Happy birthday Mother. Its also Martha Stewarts birthday. They dont have anything in common . . . except the jail time."
Monday Night, August 6
Jay Leno: "James Brown is the father of two more kids! That's the best time to find out you're a father, after you're dead." "Working on Dick Cheney's heart, talk about microsurgery!" "Face transplants. There's a tough surgery to talk the wife into." "Paul McCartney is willing to pay Heather Mills $40 million, but she wants $100 million, or as the L.A. Diocese calls it, 'getting off cheap.''
Headlines: "Northern Squat bath tissue." "One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers." "Vacation Bile School." "Nuclear Plant Gets Glowing Report." "For sale: three black convicts." "1998 Vulva."
Guest Kevin Neelon on his child's birth: "The doctor said, 'The head is coming out. See that thing that looks like a purple rock?' I said, 'No, I think that's always been there.'"
Craig Ferguson on hotel living: "Always leave room in your bag for the hotel bathrobe, and when the porn shows up on your bill, deny, deny, deny." "I wanted to rent a kayak, but all they had was a 2-man one. I thought about renting another man, but I thought, no." Craig was attacked by a seal. "And you don't hear seals coming. They don't have that music like sharks. I thought, 'If I live, this will be Monday night's monologue. If I don't, it'll be somebody else's. "Hey, Kevin, did you hear Craig was eaten by a seal?"'" "I don't mind dogs humping my leg. It's the disinterested look on their faces that gets me."
Jay Leno: "If you havent seen The Bourne Ultimatum, its about a guy who works for the government but cant remember his past. The original title was The Alberto Gonzales Story. "Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys." "According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men arent listening anyway."
Conan O'Brien: "The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, 'Big News at New York Tim.'
Craig Ferguson: "Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced theyre building a restaurant in the Middle East. Therell be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . ." "Four hundred people in Florida were stung by jellyfish over the weekend. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They're like the Baldwins of the sea."
Tuesday Night, August 7
"Drop and Give Me $20" was the Daily Show title for the story of the Republican Florida State Legislator who offered an undercover cop $20 to let him give him a blowjob. He said it was because he was afraid of the black men in the restroom. Jon Stewart: "So he thinks they won't hit him if he has a c**k in his mouth?" John Oliver provided better excuses: "I have tonsillitis and thought that man's penis was a flashlight. I'm bulimic but don't like to put my finger down my throat. I have a terrible lip condition that can only be cured by contact with another man's penis. I had a headache and thought I saw an Advil on another man's penis."
Jay Leno on the rat problem in the Angels' stadium: "This is baseball's worst problem with rats since Jose Conseco." "In South Dakota a man was arrested for having sex with a traffic sign. When are men going to learn that stop means stop?" "James Brown fathered two more children. I knew they should have had a closed casket funeral."
Wednesday Night, August 8
Jay Leno: "Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husbands fundraising campaign is she cant make him black, and she cant make him a woman. Thats the same problem with Michael Jacksons people."
Conan O'Brien: "Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aarons homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.' "A couple in Arkansas had their 17th child. Afterwards, the other 16 kids threw their dad a 'We get it youre not gay' party."
Craig Ferguson: "Its a great day for Barry Bonds. He finally broke the homerun record. He celebrated last night with an expensive bottle of champagne which he injected into his ass."
"Not such a great day for Donald Trump. His casinos are losing money. How does a casino lose money? It goes against the laws of physics. Then again, so does that thing on his head."
Jimmy Kimmel: (after Barry Bonds broke the home run record: "If you live in San Francisco there's never been a better time to buy a used kayak." " Floods in New Jersey . . . they think there may have been a tornado in New York . . . its like Christmas for Al Gore." "It was a very big night for the very bigheaded Barry Bonds. He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say its worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls."
Thursday Night, August 9
Jay Leno: "A Catholic priest has been arrested for jogging naked around a high school track. Luckily the altar boy got away." Jay mentioned that Wednesday was International Orgasm Day, and guest David Duchovny said Tuesday was International Premature Ejaculation Day. David told how he was Heimliching a man he thought was choking until the guy gasped, "I'm having a heart attack."
Craig Ferguson: "Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a rangers hat, its because the bear ate the ranger!"
Friday Night, August 10
Jay Leno: "The head of the Young Republicans was arrested for trying to have sex with a sleeping man. See, the Democrats talk, but the Republicans are out there doing gay things."
Conan O'Brien: "In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that to prove her commitment to Brad Pitt, shes decided to give up sleeping with women. When he heard this, Brad Pitt said, 'Dear God what have I done?'
Monday, August 13
(Everyone was on vacation for the week except Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Craig Ferguson.)
The Daily Show title for Rove resigning was "Dude, Where's My Karl?"
Craig Ferguson: "I don't like to spend a lot of time in a shoe store. Two pumps and I'm out. You laugh. Well, it seems that you don't." "Vikings started the tradition of blaming your farts on the dog." "We don't dye our food in Scotland. You can die of it ..."
Tuesday, August 14
Jon Stewart on Karl Rove's resignation: "And Cheney's never of much use in the summer. It's his egg-laying season." "The Democratic candidates debated on Logo, the gay cable channel that is not Lifetime or Bravo."
Wednesday, August 15
Jon Stewart: "Laura Bush met the new Predident of France wearing a cone bra. The new President said, 'Ah, those must be the famous Bush twins.'"
Stephen Colbert learns his ancestry is 3/4 Jewish so he had 3/4 of a circumcision, "and it was 75% more painful than you can believe."
Craig Ferguson: "Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes daughter, has landed a modeling contract for Baby Gap. She beat out a lot of other pint size hopefuls including her father."
Thursday, August 16
The Daily Show title of the segment on lead in Chinese toys: "The Great Recall of China." John Oliver: "The Chinese are raking in money hand over stump." Jon Stewart reported on Democratic candidates doing a day's work at various trades in order to get endorsed by unions: "Meanwhile, Joe Biden was endorsed by the International Brotherhood of Horse Testicle Cradlers." Guest John McCain: "As Chairman Mao said, 'It's always darkest before it gets completely black.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Its a great day for
Russia. Theyre giving everyone a day off next month to procreate. I wish
I could have a day off to procreate. I could have sex and still have 23 hours
and 58 minutes to do whatever I feel like! It's interesting the day the Russians
picked to take off to procreate is Wednesday, hump day!" "Today is
a very special day in the world of show business. Its the Material Girls
birthday. She turns 49 today. Thats right Elton John, 49 today.
No, it's Madonna. Madonna gives millions to charity, done lots of benefits,
gives a lot of money away .. . Her greatest gift, of course, to mankind
shes promised never to do another movie. Madonna is 49, but the cones
in her bra are as perky as ever. Who else started out at the same time? Whitney
Houston? Beethoven? Whitney did crack, Madonna showed hers. Remember her Sex
book? It was a pop-up, at least for me."
Friday Evening, August 17
Craig Ferguson: "Karl Rove is resigning now so he has plenty of time to steal Christmas."
Monday Evening, August 20
Jon Stewart: "Michael Vick is going to prison merely because he made dogs fight to the death for his entertainment. Oddly enough, in the prison where he's going ..." "Hugo Chavez railed for two hours against everything America except High School Musical 2." The Daily Show sent Rob Riggle to Iraq for the week in Operation Silent Thunder. Rob: "It's hell here, but it's a dry hell."
Dave Letterman: "Did you see the Democratic debates? The loser of the debate was taken out back and drowned by Michael Vick." "Jenna Bush's wedding is going to be expensive. The $3 billion contract has gone to Haliburton. George W. is going to loan them the 'Mission Accomplished' banner to put up in the bedroom." Bandleader Paul Shaffer on Merv Griffin's death: "Merv always said he was a quadrasexual. He'd do anything with anybody for a quarter."
Craig Ferguson: "Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career. He said hes not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued a response and said, 'It is our job to stop people from making bombs.' Craig said he was checking into a hotel when he was startled by a cute young man grabbing his bags. "Turned out he was just a bellboy, but that night he became a bellman."
Tuesday Night, August 21
The Daily Show's trip to Iraq changed from Operation Silent Thunder to Operation Fluffy Bunny. Next night it changed to Operation Kick-Ass. Jon Stewart asked, "What happened to Operation Fluffy Bunny?" Rob Riggle: "Don't ask, don't tell."
Dave Letterman: "Michael Vick faces a year and a half in prison. But I was thinking, shouldnt that be a year and a half times seven? Vick said the dog fights weren't any worse than what you see on The View."
Wednesday Night, August 22
Dave Letterman: "They say Michael Vick went through more dogs than Bill Clinton." "A 90-year-old man has become a father. Im lucky at my age if I can get the cap off the Viagra. Anyway, nice going, Regis."
Craig Ferguson: "Cats can only remember for ten minutes. Ten minutes after you die, your cat will forget who it's eating."
Thursday Night, August 23
The Daily Show in Iraq changed to Operation Cameltoe.
Dave Letterman: "According to a new study, people are sexually active well into their 80s. First I say, 'Arrrgh!' Secondly, I would say, 'God bless Cher.' Sex in my 80s. Gosh, I wonder what that's going to cost me." "Michael Vick will be put in a cell and told to 'stay.'"
Top Ten Senior Citizen Pick-Up Lines 5. "Excuse me while I slip into something orthopedic"
Craig Ferguson: "Theres a new study that says people can retain an active sex life well into their 80s. Good news for Ashton Kutcher."
Friday, August 24
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Lindsay Lohan wanted to do her community service at Hyde nightclub cleaning tables with her nose." "Ryan Seacrest will host the Emmys. So at least one person on this network will get to touch one."
Dave Letterman: "Regis Philbin just turned 76. He's actually 91, but he doesn't count the 15 years with Kathy Lee. He's so old his first co-host was Eve." "When Jesus ate raw fish he'd turn water into sake." Guest Jim McDonald: "My grandparents always complain there's too much sex on TV. And they had 17 kids."
Monday, August 27
Jay Leno: "Nicole Ritchie was released from jail in 82 minutes because of overcrowding. How crowded is prison if you can't fit Nicole Ritchie in?" "Chinese toys now come in leaded and unleaded."
Dave Letterman: "Alberto Gonzales is stepping down; he can't recall why. He's being replaced by Drew Carey." "My favorite part of the Little League World Series was the camera focusing on the players' wives." Headlines: Menu: "Ham & Swill on wheat." Ad: "Make bedwetting easy." Menu: "Topped with out house sauce." Classified for rent: "Share with 2.5 gay men." "Need female modelscute, hairy or pregnant." "Jen the Housecleaner has 2 openings."
Conan O'Brien: "They're remaking The Wizard of Oz. Why mess with something that's already perfectly gay?" "When Gonzales gave him the news, Bush nodded. Then as soon as Albert left he looked up the word 'resigned.'" "I wonder if Michael Vick will be forced to have sex with his new cellmate doggy style." "A Jack in the Box went bankrupt when customers learned that Jack was a verb."
Craig Ferguson: "Usually when you get an implant in your mouth it's a good thing."
Tuesday, August 28
Jay Leno: "Senator Craig said his arrest was all a mistake. When he went to the men's room he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis. He'd already called his wife and told her not to hold dinner. He'd wolf down a hot dog at the airport." "The Vatican is starting its own airline. The bad news? Kids fly free." "Britney was arrested for speedinggoing nowhere fast."
Conan O'Brien: "Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who put on a diaper and then drove cross-country to kidnap another astronaut's girlfriend, has announced that she's going to plead insanity. When they heard that, the jury said: 'Please you had us at "diaper.""
Producers in Hollywood are working on a remake of the classic Wizard of Oz, and they say it will be much darker than the original. Apparently, in the remake, Toto isn't chased by the Wicked Witch of the West; he's chased by Michael Vick."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the mens room at the Minneapolis airport. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' It also means Ill never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. Oh, and have you seen the new show Dateline's To Catch a Senator?"
Wednesday, August 29
Jay Leno: "Id like to say Im not gay, I just have a wide stance. A lot of people are now calling Sen. Larry Craig a hypocrite, because he was a very vocal opponent of same sex marriages. But to be fair, he has never publicly come out against anonymous gay bathroom sex. Senator Craig blamed the whole thing on Restless Third Leg Syndrome." "This has to be embarrassing for Republicans. All these gay scandals and they still cant get any support from Hollywood."
Guest Jeff Foxworthy: "Make sure your shorts are longer than your underwear. When we look over at Uncle Joe, we don't want to see anything that looks like baby birds."
Dave Letterman: "Heres whats going to happen: Leona Helmsleys dog is going to use that $12 million to organize fights between NFL players."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog. Today, Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of that dog."
Thursday, August 30
Jay Leno: "Senator Craig says he is gay, but he never inhaled."
Dave Letterman: "
"Its our 14th anniversary here at CBS. Fourteen years . . . Im just another dumbguy without an exit strategy."
San Francisco Daily horoscope: "If life gives you gators, make Gatorade."
Conan O'Brien: "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied hes a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasnt trying to marry the cop in the bathroom . . .'
Friday, August 31
Dave Letterman: "Labor Day is when we honor our work force. Shouldn't it be held in China?" "A person is high faluting if their faluting count is over 170."
Jay Leno: "Senator Craig's wife should have known. During sex he'd accidentally call her Anonymous Stranger in the Next Stall."
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