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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night-TV Zinger Collection

 

August 2000

Week ending August 4, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Republican Convention special. For an extra $17.76 they'll give you something called a Dick Cheney."

"This morning, for the first time in fifteen years, Kathie Lee and I were able to sleep in. Frank is home hoping to be bitten by a West Nile mosquito."

"It was heartwarming. On the way to work today I saw kids playing in the spray from an insecticide truck."

"The first night of the Republican Convention featured a Native American, a Latin American, an African American and a Jewish guy. Not a foursome you'll see at a Republican country club. Charlton Heston's going to speak. He's just admitted he's had a drinking problem. Thank God he doesn't own any guns."

"The Republican Convention is so dull that tonight Al Gore is speaking. Tonight it was 'Prosperity with a Purpose.' Tomorrow it's 'Summer Salads with Tofu.' Cheney's speech was interrupted 32 times for applause and twice for heart attacks. Last night they had their one openly gay Republican. He hates Hillary Clinton, but loves what she's done with her hair."

Dave reviewed the life of Dick Cheney: "He ran on the platform, 'Put another Dick in Congress.' He was named House Whip, something his wife had called him for years. In 1994, while having a heart attack, he had a heart attack. In 1997, after seeing Ricky Martin perform, Cheney coined the term 'Mantastic.' Then just this weekend George W. Bush invited the Cheneys to their first Texas-style execution."

"The weather was so bad ten murders were rained out in New York today."

"George W. Bush and Dick W. Cheney. I haven't been this excited since Dole-Kemp. Cheney brings maturity and experience and foreign policy expertise. Bush brings ... What the hell does Bush bring? Claiming "Dick Cheney is bringing the young female vote to the ticket," Dave plays a sound bite of young girls screaming whenever Cheney's name is mentioned.

"Singers Fabian and Bobby Rydell performed at the Republican Convention today. They're going after the young peoples' vote. I got a button from the Convention: 'Vote for Bush-Cheney—or whoever replaces him after his next heart attack.' I also got this replica of a Texas electric chair. Yep, Old Sparky. And this Monica Lewinsky pencil sharpener [you put the pencil in her mouth]."

On the show Big Brother: "I'v found in my personal life that you just can't go wrong with an exotic dancer."

Guest Roseanne: "I'm going to appear in Playboy, Penthouse or Hustler."
Dave: "Knowing Hustler, I'm sure it'll be tasteful. You know, I've never seen you nude."
Roseanne: "Now don't lie. Have you ever posed nude?"
Dave: "I've never even been nude."

Guest Nathan Lane: [on Brad Pitt - Jennifer Aniston wedding] "When the minister said, 'For the first time, the Pitts!' I was Niagara Falls." Also, "Al Gore has waited so long to choose a running mate because he wants to pick the winner from Survivor."

Guest Harry Hill: "I must be going bald. It's taking longer and longer to wash my face." Also, "I don't have a baby, but I still book a baby sitter. I tell her to check on the kid after a half hour or so. Then when I return I go, 'Escaped!? Well, give me fifty bucks, and we'll call it even.'"

Dave to guest Joy Philbin: "Is there such a thing as too much Regis?"

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt got married Saturday, so sorry, guys, he's taken. What I'm wondering, when two people who look like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have sex, who in the world do they fantasize about?"

"A right-wing gun nut showed up at George W. Bush's rally today. Luckily it was Dick Cheney. Cheney reminisced about his freshman year in college, when he had his first heart attack. He also said he only favors abortions where the baby is in danger of growing up liberal. George W. is promising new and original ideas. His dog's name is Spot."

"People are looking forward to Hollow Man. Not the movie, George W. Bush."

"Have you been watching the Republican NAACP Convention? You know how the Republicans got so many African Americans in the audience Monday night? They were all played by Eddie Murphy. I think they went a little too far, however, when they had Old Dirty Bastard rap the National Anthem."

"The convention was heartwarming— billionaires reaching out to mere millionaires, members of polo clubs reaching out to members of yacht clubs. And McCain keeps calling George W. 'my friend.' Yeah, the way Hillary Clinton calls Bill 'my husband.'"

"Ex-President Ford suffered a mild stroke, and when the ambulance showed up, out of habit Dick Cheney jumped in."

"Gen. Colin Powell says he wants to reduce the number of people in prison. George W. says, 'I'm executing them as fast as I can.'"

"Did you see where Pope John Paul got mad and yelled at a guy today? The Pope yelled at a guy, and the Republicans are trying to be nice to everybody. The world's gone crazy."

"Bill Clinton spoke today at the Trial Lawyers' Convention. It's the first time he's ever been the most honest man in a room. And Al Gore is on holiday. 'Here's a picture of me with a tree. I'm the one on the left.'"

"The hostage drama in New York is over. Regis is a free man. Kathie Lee — you either hate her or are totally annoyed by her. Did you see the last show? A musical farewell was sung by a children's sweatshop choir. Kathie Lee says she'll devote the rest of her life to making hubby Frank's existence a living hell."

"It's day two of Frank Gifford being held hostage. Did you see that Kathie Lee's last show got huge ratings? Give the people what they want, and they'll turn out in droves."

"Anna Nicole Smith said she and her 86-year-old husband had been like 'two peas in a pod.' More like two cantaloupes and a prune. They always had safe sex. She wouldn't have sex unless he gave her something from the safe. But she says she's not a golddigger. A gravedigger maybe."

"Linda Tripp's plastic surgery didn't take. How bad is it when plastic surgery rejects your face? It cost her $30,000, too. that was one expensive veterinarian."

"To control the deer population, game wardens are shooting deer with contraceptive darts in New York. Now they're thinking of expanding the program to the NBA."

"Barbra Streisand sold out Madison Square Garden in just a few minutes today. Farewell tours always draw huge audiences. It didn't work for Diana Ross, though. Of course, she didn't know it was a farewell tour until it was already underway."

"A woman in the crowd flashed the Today show this morning. That Kathie Lee just can't stay away. Al Roker took off his bra and handed it to her."

"The Republican National Convention opened today—or as we call it, the Million White Man March. Dick Cheney's limo was an ambulance. And it turns out Bush used non-union actors in his tv spots. How did he get people who weren't professional actors to look interested in what he had to say?"

"O.J. should work for the tobacco industry. They both kill people and lie about it later. O.J. says he's not a murdered. He's a 'widower by choice.'"

"Mick Jagger turned 57. He's halfway between being a Stone and passing one."

"Darryl Strawberry has asked to be reinstated. Unfortunately, he wrote the letter on Zig-Zag paper."

"Starbucks will be opening 900 new stores next year. Their goal is to have Americans urinating 24 hours a day."

"Meanwhile, K-Mart is closing 72 stores. It's so bad some of their executives are going to have to start shopping at K-Mart. And Bank of America is laying off 10,000 workers. The lines at the bank were just too short."

"Whew, it was so hot today Al Gore claimed he invented the slurpee. It was so hot Anna Nicole Smith married another 90-year-old just to have something cold on top of her."

"What do the Liberty Bell and George W. Bush have in common? They both have a crack problem."

"Half the people in the world don't have access to a flush toilet. We call them Exxon customers."

"You can order all these drugs over the internet now. But if you're a bald overweight guy with diarrhea, forget the Viagra."

"I was reading today about a Brazilian spider where, during sex, the female bites off the male's sex organ. I'll bet he still brags to his buddies, 'Yeah, it took her four bites.'"

Guest Dennis Miller: "O.J. landed in New York today to cries of, 'Murderer! Murderer!' It wasn't protesters. Just his driver trying to hook up with him." Also, "Bush thinks Croatia is the show on after Moisha."

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad: "Healthy Choice Dinners and Bowels"
Ad for zoo: "Thousands of erotic and tame birds"
Classified ad: "Frozen Pork Rectums, 50 metric tons"
Ad from Project Management Services: "Using PMS is the key to success."
News story: "Woman gives birth in court. Names baby Felony."
News story: "A man took a bag of laundry at gunpoint from the back of a laundry truck, thinking he was robbing an armored car."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

The Daily Show is spending the week at the Republican Convention:

"Of the 9 African Americans in the Republican Party, 6 will speak at the convention, 2 will sing, and the other, of course, is Alan Keyes."

"The convention features delegates ranging from the gated communities of New York to the gated communities of California."

"Gen. Colin Powell said George W. Bush had brought more and more minorities into the tent. Not the house. The tent."

Correspondent Steve Carell: "If Bush's record on education in Texas is any indication, he's willing to back up his talk with words." 

Guest Sen. Robert Dole to Jon Stewart: "I thought you were doing Monday Night Football."

More Dole: "I always get sentimental at conventions. I feel like getting up and giving a concession speech." Also, "It's so boring some of the protesters are thinking of getting real jobs for the first times in their lives. Al Gore has gone into seclusion during the convention, but no one's noticed."

Correspondent Stephen Colbert: "In the health care area the Republicans have unveiled their 'Get Tough on Sick People' policy."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter, and George W. Bush says he's willing to support her. While Clinton says he's willing to videotape her."

"Keith Richards took his kids to meet 'NSync. 'NSync said it was an honor to meet him, and they hope they look that good when they're dead."

"Mayor Giuliani named her last day on the air Kathie Lee Gifford Day. No one had to go to work except children under ten. Now that Kathie Lee is gone, the most annoying person on television is the naked fat guy on Survivor."

"Chelsea Clinton is taking time off from college to stay with Bill during his last few months in the White House. Then Bill is going to live with Chelsea in the sorority house."

Conan is/was on vacation July 31 - Aug. 4.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Jennifer Aniston married Brad Pitt Saturday, and then he carried her wallet over the threshold. To Jennifer I just want to say congratulations, and to Brad, you lying bitch. The wedding is proof that the prayers of teenage girls are not answered at all."

"Madonna is moving back from Great Britain. She said she can't get used to having sex on the left side of the road."

"Laura Bush said that if her husband is elected President, he'll improve education so much no one like him will ever be nominated again. The Republican Convention is being held in the City of Brotherly Love But Not in That Way. There's a Republican Convention Barbie doll. It has big hair, a red dress and one black friend."

"Dennis Miller joined Monday Night Football. Viewers enjoyed watching the game while flipping through a dictionary and a thesaurus."

"Attendance figures for Nutty Professor II were misleading, since four out of five audience members were played by Eddie Murphy."

"Britney Spears greeted a fan with prosthetic legs today. They both said, 'Are those things real?'"

"After fifteen years of hurting people, Kathie Lee Gifford left the air today. Frank Gifford couldn't be reached for comment. He was busy idling the car in the garage."

"An address book recovered from the Titanic has been stolen. Police believe it was either a collector or some guy who wants to meet really old chicks."

"They've just opened the world's largest roller coaster in Japan. But no one can ride it, because the sign says, 'You have to be this tall.'"

"They say that men too have a biological clock. It goes off when the little hand is on the zipper and the big hand is on the bra."

"There's trouble in a celebrity marriage. Bobby Brown smelled another man's cologne on Whitney Houston's bong."

"Today I was walking my chihuahua and ran into Mick Jagger. My dog started humping Mick's walker. I was so embarrassed."

"It's the 40th anniversary of Psycho, which has been banned in France for fear it might lead to copycat showers."

Guest Bil Dwyer: "A petting zoo is a great place if you want your kid's clothes to end up inside a goat's stomach."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Ex-President Ford had a mild stroke at the convention, but he's ok. His condition has just been upgraded from Reagan to Cheney."

"The Republican slogan this year is 'Leave no child behind.' George W. Bush was left behind twice—third and fifth grades. They didn't mention Goldwater at the convention. They were afraid Bush would think he had to take a urine test."


Week ending August 11, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"It's Liebermania. Al Gore is living la vida Lieberman. Al's new running mate, Joe Lieberman, makes Dick Cheney look like Ricky Martin. But Air Force 2 served its first kosher meal. And Lieberman would be the first Jewish person to serve directly under a President since, well, Monica Lewinsky. Today I saw a couple of rabbis rolling a party keg down Broadway. But Lieberman likes to spend the weekends locked in his house reading The Torah. It's like I have a twin!"

"Those West Nile mosquitos are brazen. I saw a couple of them holding up a blood bank."

"In New York you turn on the electric can opener, and the rats come running into the kitchen."

"George W. Bush made quite an entrance at the Republican Convention. He rode in on his father's coattails. He says he'll restore decency to the Oval Office. Well, he's not getting my vote. Did you see Dick Cheney's speech? A single white rose was thrown on-stage by the gay delegate. Tonight's theme was Let's End This Charade and Get Back to Our Restricted Country Clubs."

"The Clintons are vacationing on Martha's Vineyard. They could be the first Presidential couple voted off the island."

"I went to Radio Shack today and bought a Napster. I recorded music free off the radio all day."

Guest Craig Ferguson on his new movie Saving Grace, about a British woman who raises pot: "It's sort of a Merchant-Ivory Cheech & Chong movie."

Dave to guest Sam Donaldson: "Speaking of rattlesnakes, what did you think of the Republican Convention?"

Guest Al Franken:
"Fame wins out over ideology. I went to the Republican Convention, and the delegates would say, 'I hate everything you stand for, and could I have your autograph?' At the convention I tried to pick up women at prayer breakfasts. I'd tell them, 'I'm Jewish, but I feel myself wavering.'"
"Thanks to George W. Bush, 60% of Texas high school students read at a higher level than the Governor. And Bush hasn't executed anyone under 14. He cares about the kids."
"I told Al Gore that when he's debating George W. he should say, 'I know George Bush, and you, sir, are no George Bush.' That'll completely confuse him."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The difference between Al Gore and his new running mate, is that when Lieberman meets with the Chinese it's for take-out. Hillary says the choice of Lieberman 'is a great honor for us Jewish people.' Lieberman has been called the conscience of the Senate. One guy in 100. He's like the piano player in a whorehouse."

"Clinton vetoed the marriage relief act. He figures since he has to pay a penalty for being married, we all should."

"Remember the old days when the only black person at the Republican Convention was George Hamilton?"

"Laura Bush, the candidate's wife, has started wearing brighter colors for television. Too bad she can't appear with a brighter husband. George W. talked about his rough childhood, growing up in a log mansion. From the age of five he was driven—in a limo. Bush said it's time for America to have a President with vision. I think Paula Jones proved that. Now the convention's over the Republicans are returning all the things they rented: the chairs, the decorations, the blacks, the gays, the Latinos."

"George W. executed two more prisoners today. Texas has so many executions the last meal is family style. They executed one guy with an IQ of 63. Bush is even turning his back on his own."

"George W. thinks it's his mom's picture on the Quaker Oats box."

"Pat Buchanan is keeping his running mate a secret. At the convention he'll call the guy to the podium and pull his hood off."

"In The Hollow Man Kevin Bacon becomes invisible. Didn't Vanilla Ice do that years ago? If you want to know what it's like to be completely invisible, be one of those Supremes who just appeared with Diana Ross."

"O.J. has moved to Florida. It must be odd for him living in a place where people die of natural causes."

"I got too much sun this weekend. My skin was peeling like the tread on a Firestone tire. Thank God they don't make rubbers."

"With his drinking problem, Charlton Heston is starting the NRAAA."

"Michael Douglas' new baby looked up at him and went, 'Grandpa!'"

"Jerry Garcia's estate is being sued by his personal trainer. Shouldn't it be the other way around? When Ben & Jerry name an ice cream flavor after your client, I think his estate should sue you."

"The Democratic Convention is coming to L.A. To make themselves more attractive to Clinton, all the hookers are putting on 25 pounds. The convention is like the Olympics to the hookers."

"Did you see where they pulled that nearly frozen guy out of the Air France wheel well? Last time he buys his ticket on Priceline.com. His metabolism had fallen nearly to Al Gore level."

"There were power outages in L.A. today. Computer users were forced to have sex with real partners."

"The Queen Mum turned 100. She's the last living British person never to have visited a dentist. She's almost old enough to be in Space Cowboys. If you buy her a gift, get her something she can use immediately."

"The tabloids say Regis is having an affair. He may soon be doing a new show: Who Wants to Be Half a Millionaire?"

"Mick Jagger's paying $10,000 a month child support for the baby he fathered out of wedlock, but the mother wants $35,000. If he'd knocked up Sally Struthers, it would only have cost him 75 cents a day."

"Martha Stewart spent her 59th birthday at home today, mapping out plans for world domination."

"Did you see that woman flash her breasts from the crowd outside the window on the Today Show? To Bill Clinton that's like the bat signal."

"The tv-commercial-actors strike is going into its third month, and some of them are going on a hunger strike. That won't work. What actors should do is refuse to serve food."

"A study has shown most men will eat food a fly has landed on, while most women won't. I won't eat any food a fly won't land on."

"The stick insect has sex for 79 days straight. If it's only been 77 days, is that a quickie? And you know that even after 79 days, the female goes, 'Oh, so close!' And the guy tells his buddies it was 158 days."

Monday Night Headlines:
Headline: "Bring the World Home by Hosing an Exchange Student"
Headline: "Tight End Returns After Colon Surgery"
Classified ad: "Rot Iron Loveseat"
Classified ad: "Organ—I have a child-size one"
Weddings: Dull-Knight, Gay-Carpenter, Gotham-Dork, Rector-Knobbe, Brown-Heap, Leeky-Butts, Fluck-Dailey

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"George W. Bush has gone from abject wealth to riches. He's had to overcome a tremendous lack of obstacles. During the Vietnam War he kept Texas free of Charlie. It's the hardships he's undercome that make him a fit candidate for President."

Clip of Dick Cheney's wife Lynne saying "The justice system in Texas serves all the people." Jon Stewart: "A tasty last meal."

"What I learned at the Republican Convention? Cokie Roberts can make a bong out of anything."

Correspondent Vance DeGeneres: "The Rock opened the evening at the Republican Convention. Politics and pro wrestling—they go together like cookies and ass."

Correspondent Lewis Black: "Inclusion. The Republicans just found out minorities can vote. And how did they include them? By letting them perform."

Guest Bob Dole: "I think the Republican effort is to make Gore's first name Clinton." [Dole has written a humor book. See "Fine Literature" section below.]

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"The National Enquirer says a woman claims she had an affair with Regis Philbin. She even had a videotape of their lovemaking, but she accidentally recorded over it when she was making love with Frank Gifford."

Late Night was on vacation this week.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Martha Stewart turned 59 today. All her friends jumped out and yelled, 'Bitch!'"

"Madonna's new video has been digitally altered to let her body assume impossible positions. They actually made her legs close!"

"Macaulay Culkin and his wife Rachel Miner are splitting. Who gets custody of Macaulay?"

"Now that Joe Lieberman's a Vice Presidential candidate, his mother is moaning, 'He could have been a doctor.'"

"Scientists have discovered 9 new planets. The coldest is Planet Hollywood."

"With the United strike and all those flights cancelled, where will we go to see Kevin Costner movies?"

"In Acapulco a swordfish leapt into a boat and stabbed a fisherman. And now O.J. has a new suspect."

"Lines to make the movie The Perfect Storm better:
'Look, Carmen Electra is drenched!'
'Oh my God, Andy Rooney drowned!'"

"George W. Bush spoke for 58 minutes at the Republican Convention. That's the longest speech he's ever made that didn't start, 'You see, Officer ...' Bush asked the nation, 'Do you really want 8 more years of peace, low inflation and unbelievable prosperity?'"

"A radio station in St. Louis is giving away free breast implants. It's hard to give away fake boobs when the Republicans are offering a real one."

"The Republicans have had to rethink the slogan: 'Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You.'"

"Did you get Whitney Houston something for her birthday? She's registered at Bed, Bath & Bong."

"Six Flags just had their billionth visitor. When they asked the man what he'd do with his prize money, he said, 'I'm going to Disney World.'"

"Oh her 100th birthday reporters asked the Queen Mum what part of her life she remembered most fondly, and she replied, 'Breakfast.'"

"The Screen Actors Guild announced a hunger strike, and Marlon Brando announced his retirement from acting."

"South Carolina has raised a Confederate submarine that sank in 1864 because, well, it was a submarine in 1864."

"That guy who rode 8.000 miles in the freezing wheel well of that Air France jet says that's the last time he'll ride coach. He did get 8,000 frequent-idiot miles."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Gore does chores for Lieberman that he can't do on the Sabbath, and Lieberman does things Gore can't do, like call the President an adulterer. Lieberman criticized Bill Clinton for Monica, but complimented him for getting half off."

"Tomorrow Texas is executing two criminals, including one many people think shouldn't be executed because he's mentally retarded. Bush says he's just being inclusive."

"Pat Buchanan is marshalling his troops—and I do mean troops."

"They threw a surprise birthday party for Whitney Houston. Everybody jumped out, and Whitney ran off. She thought it was an intervention."


Week ending August 18, 2000

Best of Late Night: Chris Rock on Late Night with Conan O'Brien:

"The world's coming to an end, Conan. The world's best golfer is black, and the world's best rapper is white."

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"In Texas they executed a mentally retarded murderer. Bush said, 'If a 63 IQ is good enough to be Governor, it's good enough to be executed."

"President Clinton gave a great speech at the Democratic Convention. He thanked America for letting him live out his dreams and Hillary for just letting him live."

Jay asked guest Hillary Clinton what she's do if Chelsea decided to be a Republican. Hillary replied, "I'd miss her a lot." On leaving the White House, Hillary said, "People will have a new President, and life will go on. The only person I'm worried about is you. What are you going to talk about when we're gone?"

"Asleep at the Wheel performed at an Al Gore fundraiser last night. Cherry Poppin' Daddy performed at Clinton's. And Bob Dole had Limp Bizkit. Clinton's raising money for his library. It'll be the only Presidential library with a two-drink minimum. And Clinton's been showing up at the Playboy Mansion every night to be sure no fundraisers are taking place."

"A Monica Lewinsky imitator has been showing up at Democratic parties this week, and she's pretty good—close, but no cigar."

"Ralph Nader just named a transsexual Eskimo as his running mate."

"The Who performed at the Hollywood Bowl last night, I won't say they're old, but instead of smashing his guitar, Pete Townshend just misplaced it."

"Fidel Castro turned 74 today, and he's talking about retiring. Isn't that ironic? He could end up living in Miami."

"There's another case of a 37-year-old female teacher having sex with a 7th grade boy. But they were having sex at a 10th grade level. She said she was just trying to see how many times 12 goes into 37. When I was a student we just banged the erasers."

"Madonna just had a son. Now her daughter will have somebody to go to therapy with."

"Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones just had a baby. You have to admire Michael. Most guys his age have a 7 lb. 8 oz. prostate."

"Bill Clinton says Al Gore shouldn't be blamed for his sexual escapades. There was no second shooter."

"Pat Buchanan says there's no room in his party for racists and bigots. They're full up. Apply next year."

"The producers of Survivor are planning a new show where the winners go to the MIR space station. If you think it's bad eating rats, what about eating powdered rats?"

"A new study shows men lose 24% of their manhood between ages 21 and 73. Talk about not having enough for retirement!"

"A study shows Southerners are most likely to have sex on their wedding night. Well, some people don't. But you're always more comfortable when you're with a relative."

"Heinz is coming out with a baby bottle shaped like a woman's breast. They should sell beer in it. They'd make a fortune."

"Redbook has a story this month on '35 Hot Places to Touch Your Man.' I'd prefer the same old place 35 times."

"It was so hot today Pat Buchanan's supporters didn't even light their crosses. It was so hot today that just walking to the Staples Center Ted Kennedy won a wet t-shirt contest. It was so hot today Britney Spears had to poke holes in her implants just to let off steam. It was so hot today I was sweating like a Democrat at the Playboy Mansion. The lady agreed to move the Playboy party, by the way—to Dennis Rodman's house."

"Firestone is recalling 6,000,000 tires. Even Cuban escapees are switching to Michelin."

"The U.N. says we'll soon have 9 billion people. They're being born faster than Texas can execute them. Texas has quit using lethal injections. They just put the guys in a Ford Explorer with 4 Firestone tires."

"Nabisco is coming out with new smaller Oreos that are 'easier to eat.' Was this a problem?"

"Autumn in New York just opened with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. She wasn't alive during the first 30 years of his search for love. A man in his 50's and a young woman. Sounds more like Audition in L.A."

"George Hamilton turned 61 today. His skin is 350. And Frank Gifford turned 70. He's now eligible for preboarding when he gets on a flight attendant."

Jay talked to the Governor of Arkansas and his wife, who are living in a triple-wide trailer while the governor's mansion is being restored. They said in Arkansas they use armadillo to serve possum on the half shell.

"The Attorneys General of 28 states are suing the record companies for keeping the prices of CDs artificially high. Our own Kevin Eubanks is helping in the fight. I saw his CD today in the $1.99 bin at Tower.'"

Monday Night Headlines:
News story: "Severed Human Head Found in New Orleans. It was a head maintenance man who found it."
Ad: "Kellogg's Pot Tarts"

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"The figures are in, and 36,000,000 tourists a year visit New York. In summer we even have to put on part-time hookers. There are so many tourists they have to line up at the curb to urinate."

"On Survivor, once a week a cast member gets voted off. The network is going to try the same thing with Becker."

"George W. is envious of Al Gore picking Joe Lieberman as his running mate. Bush told his staff, 'Get me some Jewish friends.' On Al Gore, though, there's something wrong when adding the dullest man in Washington energizes your campaign. Lieberman is known as the conscience of the Senate, so they're glad he's leaving."

"In the late 1980's Joe Lieberman had a brief and stormy marriage to Melanie Griffith. In his honor CBS is developing a series called Touched By a Rabbi."

"It's so hot in New York I saw a bunch of West Nile mosquitoes lining up to be sprayed."

"Today is Herbert Hoover's birthday. He was the first President to have a telephone on his desk. Clinton is the first President to have an intern on his desk."

Dave was/is on vacation the week of Aug. 14 - 18.

ard to the next Jamboree."

"Guest Sen. Bob Kerrey, who had been considered for Vice President: "The strip search was the best part of the V-P vetting process."

Correspondent Steve Carell: "Only 30% of Americans vote, and most of them are drunk."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"On Big Brother they introduced a dog into the house, but it got so bored it asked to be put to sleep."

"Al Gore took the baton from Bill Clinton last night—and boiled it in hot water, because he didn't know where it had been."

"Hillary Clinton had a special make-up artist for the Democratic Convention. She looked so different Bill accidentally hit on her."

"Pat Buchanan picked a black woman to be his running mate. Not only is she the first black woman to be a vice presidential candidate, but she's the first black woman ever to talk to Pat Buchanan."

"Kathie Lee Gifford is going to do a concert outside the Today Show window. It's the kick-off of her The Thing That Won't Go Away Tour."

"Robert Downey, Jr. is out of prison, and he'll be Ally McBeal's love interest next season—much better than his love interest for the last eleven months, someone named Gator."

"USA Today said Al Gore's drug use in college was rare. George W. said, 'See, I told you he was a lightweight!'"

"Gore and Lieberman have different views on social vouchers, social security and bacon."

Guest Chris Rock:
"I'm taking a lot of Ecstasy, Conan. I love that Ecstasy. Makes you horny."
"Why would anyone play Jeopardy now? Hard questions for $500. On the other shows you can tell how many people are in the Jackson Five for a million."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"We're broadcasting from San Petulina this week, getting out of L.A. during the Democratic Convention. We're taking a stand by standing far away. San Petulina is a celebrity enclave which boasts the tallest senior facility in the world without an elevator."

"Madonna turned 42 today. I sent her a dozen long-stemmed basketball players."

"David Bowie and Iman have named their new baby See We Told You Our Marriage Was Not a Sham Bowie."

"To disperse demonstrators outside the Democratic Convention the police shot rubber bullets and cranked up the Wayne Newton."

"I took my grandmother to see Space Cowboys. When James Garner was suiting up, Granny had a hot flash that set off the sprinkler system."

"You can get your breasts enlarged for $1,000 at Jiffy Boobs. And for an extra $39 you can supersize it."

"McDonald's is going to serve Mexican food. Did someone say McGas?"

"Cher performed at a private party for Clinton this week. She was mortified when another woman showed up wearing the same ass."

"Firestone is recalling 6,000,000 tires. It's the biggest rubber failure since Madonna's new son—who's already mumbling in a fake British accent."

"Bill Clinton raised millions at a party at Barbra Streisand's house. She's the wife of noted transmission specialist James Brolin. Clinton's going to use the money for a ticket to Babs' farewell concert."

"Michael Jackson is going to play Edgar Allan Poe, a drug addict who married his 14-year-old cousin and died in the gutter. Michael will achieve the impossible and actually embarrass Edgar Allan Poe."

"On Survivor Colleen was voted off the island. So the score is now Annoying Freaks 5, Hot Chicks 0."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Wow, what a crowd. Lot's better than tomorrow."

"A Jewish running back would impress me."

"A little Spanish kid sang the national anthem at the Democratic Convention tonight. Janet Reno rushed on-stage and tried to send him back to Cuba."

"Gore and Lieberman have inspired Hollywood. Three studios have green-lighted movies about robots teaming up with rabbis. Gore made a surprise appearance on-stage last night, which is unheard of for a nominee. It's the first time in his life anyone ever said, 'Wow, Al Gore!'"

"On Lieberman, George W. Bush says, 'We need a kinder more gentile nation.'"

"That Russian sub stuck on the bottom of the sea is bad news for Clinton. Just as he thought he'd put his past behind him, we have the headline 'Lost Seamen.'"

"The Western United States is on fire. The smoke is thicker than at the Republican Convention. But don't worry. All our nuclear secrets are safe in China. It's not fair. Clinton has all the sex, and the rest of the country gets the burning sensation."

"The White House is having to put porn blockers on its computers. Most of the porn watching has been by the after-hours cleaning staff, but to be fair, they're just trying to identify the stains on the carpet."


Week ending August 25, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"A woman asked Bill Clinton to sign her t-shirt and then flashed him. Do we have time for one more impeachment? Thank God this time he only left ink stains. And Clinton just turned 54, but he already received his present when Hillary moved out." 

"Did you see Al and Tipper Gore making out on the podium? I don't think the Trumans were French kissing at their convention. But Al shot up in the polls, so Dick Cheney kissed his wife in public—and had a heart attack. Clinton was the grab-ass guy. Gore's going to be the make-out President."

"Al Gore III was arrested for speeding. How creative is this family? Everybody's named Al."

"Mayor Giuliani says 67 buildings in New York are unsafe. The only thing holding them together is pigeon crap. One is a hospital, but if you get hit by pieces of a crumbling hospital, they don't have to rush you very far. Hmm, 67 crumbling facades. Wait a minute. Hillary Clinton. Make that 68."

"The Republicans are calling Clinton's term '8 years of missed opportunities.' Wait a minute. I don't think Clinton missed anybody."

Monday night Dave had a big bandage on his finger. While he was out, a poison gas alarm he didn't know he had went off, and he came home to find firemen and neighbors in the house. "The girlfriend said, 'There were strangers in the house?'" Dave was so flustered he sliced his finger while making potato salad. "At this point I just wanted to turn the whole thing over to Jesus." After his finger bled for a few hours he called the doctor and ended up with stitches. He showed polaroids of the finger before and after stitches and thanked the doctors and nurses. Then he gave the recipe for potato salad.

Tuesday night Dave played Pizza Survivor. They picked two tables of customers at Joe G's Pizza, and bandleader Paul had to vote all but one off. Paul: "Do any of them run around naked?"

Guest Jon Favreau: "I got my grandfather some Viagra for his birthday, but his girlfriend didn't want him to have it. He said he didn't care. By the time he got over to her side of the bed, he'd forget what he was going after."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"A woman asked Bill Clinton to sign her t-shirt and then took it off. I guess she didn't want to get it stained."

"A man in Florida stayed awake during his open-heart surgery—and then, even more amazingly, during Al Gore's speech at the Democratic Convention. That's Al 'The Tongue' Gore. Did you see that kiss he gave Tipper? He's gone from stiff wooden Al Gore to soft cardboard Al Gore. I think it's going to his head, though. He's now calling his upcoming debates with Bush 'tongue wrestling.' And before you kiss a politician, remember, you're also kissing all the butts he's kissed."

"Bill Clinton's been busy raising funds for the first x-rated Presidential Library. He puts the 'fun' in 'fund raising.' And it's his birthday tomorrow. He turns 16."

"I'm still amazed at that 37-year-old teacher who had sex with her 12-year-old student. That's a 35-year difference. In L.A. we call that a second marriage."

"Proponents of tantric sex say the man can have sex for 12 hours. And you thought carpal tunnel syndrome in your arm was bad. They also say advanced students can cuddle for up to 35 seconds. If the woman has to shave her legs again during sex, it's taking way too long."

"Did you see that Saint Bernard is a popular dish in China? But that's an awfully big animal. If you don't finish it, do they give you a doggie bag? The meal not only hits the spot. It is Spot. In China, Beethoven plays on the food channel. The most popular breakfast in China is beagle with cream cheese."

"Genetic engineers have managed to make polygamous mice monogamous. Clinton immediately banned human testing."

"A new record was set in the long jump today. Unfortunately it was by that Amtrak train that derailed. Amtrak is spending more time in the air than United."

"Did you hear? The winner on Survivor has to marry Rick Rockwell. The final Survivor is tomorrow night. NBC is countering with back-to-back Suddenly Susans."

"On a Carnival cruise this weekend Kathie Lee Gifford gave passengers and crew free copies of her new CD." [Clip of ship being abandoned]

"Horizon Magazine says a good place to meet women is at funerals: 'I'm just going to close this coffin ...'"

"A new study shows that the more sex you have, the younger you look. Yeah, don't hookers always have that fresh rosy glow?"

"A man in Malibu got 4 years for having sex with a horse. [Preening] Uh oh, my wife could be looking at the death penalty. When are men going to learn that neigh means neigh?"

"Viagra is 80% cheaper in Mexico. Talk about more bang for your buck!"

"The world's biggest condom plant is closing in Atlanta. The Clinton years are definitely over."

"It was so hot today Ted Kennedy went braless."

"The British government has started human cloning experiments. Why not fix the teeth of the people they already have?"

"Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford had birthdays on the same day. He planned a romantic getaway for two, but Kathie Lee caught them."

"Michael Jackson just got a $4,000,000 advance for his autobiography, so other celebrities are writing theirs:
Frank Gifford (just on life since Kathie Lee retired): So This Is Hell
Dick Cheney: Clear!
Jennifer Lopez: It's All Behind Me Now
Mike Tyson: Buy This Book or I'll Eat Your Children
Janet Reno: Fee Fi Fo Fum
John Rocker: Mein Spring Training Kamp
Britney Spears: Stand Back; They Could Put Your Eyes Out"

"They're making another sequel: Star Trek X: Enough Already."

"The British government says it's working on human cloning. I think they've had it for years. That can't possibly be the original Keith Richards."

"Nissan had that ad saying their trucks were '3,270 pounds of whup-ass.' So now other companies are coming out with macho slogans:
Cruex: 'Scratch because you want to, not because you have to.'
Sizzler: 'Tough steaks for tough men.'
De Beers Diamonds: 'Two months' pay for one night's lay.'
Oscar Mayer: 'Our wieners don't shrink in cold water.'"

Monday Night Headlines:
Headline: "Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes"
Headline: "Mayor Sills denies wrongdoing but vows not to do it again"
Headline: "Dwarfs in Short Supply in Britain"
Ad: "Augustfest 2000: July 18 - July 28"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Vicious Cycle: Switzerland is well known for its vicious unrelenting neutrality. That its army is dismantling its bicycle troops is a surprise to those who didn't know Switzerland had an army. There are only a few bicycle troops,but they sound like a lot more when they fix playing cards to rub against the spokes. And the bicycle troops are twice as effective as the unicycle troops."

Clip of speaker at the Democratic Convention saying, "Al Gore was one of the first to go after the midnight dumpers." Jon: "I'm more a 10 a.m. man myself."

"George W. Bush was quick to issue a rebuttal to Al Gore's content-related speech: 'Oh yeah, well I enjoy executing retarded prisoners.'"

Guest Bob Dole on the Democratic Convention: "Well, Wednesday night I had to watch South Park, and last night I dozed off."

Jon asked guest Jeremy Priven, who'd just attended the premiere of The Crew with Burt Reynolds, "Were you and Burt Reynolds holding hands?" Jeremy: "Holding hands? He had his entire fist up my ..." Jon: "Good God! I thought that only happened to Cartman on South Park."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Did you see Al Gore's speech? Tipper hadn't been kissed like that since Bill Clinton took the stage Monday night."

"George W. has been practicing for the debates: 'I know you are, but what am I?'"

"Now that Kathie Lee has left, ratings for Live With Regis are up 27% over a year ago. To make it even more popular they're changing the name to Live Without Kathie Lee."

"Pat Buchanan went in for gallstone surgery. He had them removed when tests showed they were gay."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres have split up. Anne accidentally yelled out 'Craigers' during sex. Their publicist says there's a bitter custody battle—over the publicist."

"Bill Clinton turned 54 today. They played his favorite game—pin the tail."

"Kate Moss has been appearing on the arm of Mick Jagger. They're the perfect couple. He can't get it up, and she can't keep it down."

"If you switch back and forth quick enough between Survivor and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, you can see Regis naked."

"Roseanne has completed a spread for Gear Magazine—thanks to a team of photographers and the ground crew from a weather balloon."

"The Spice Girls have released their first single in two years. They really need a hit—especially Olive Garden Waitress Spice."

[Clip of John Mellencamp saying, "I ain't selling nothing. I ain't promoting nothing."]: "John later admitted he was promoting bad grammar."

"A suspicious suitcase that shut down the Martha's Vineyard airport turned out to be an imitation bomb. Here's what a real bomb looks like." [Poster for Autumn in New York]

"Cher turned 54 today. Her friends gave her a nostalgic party where they wheeled in a cake in the shape of her old ass."

"Taco Bell has officially dropped the chihuahua from its ads—luckily into the deep fryer."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Bill Clinton signed a woman's t-shirt, and then she took it off. Clinton was a good sport about it. Not only did he ask that the woman not be arrested, he offered to sign her pants."

"The police at the Democratic Convention only had to turn their hoses on once—and that was on Al and Tipper Gore."

"In Russia Putin has finally admitted that submarine thing was a terrible idea for a reality show. And speaking of divers, did you hear about Ellen and Anne? They split up. The relationship was just missing something."

"John McCain is cancer free. All he has left is a little pain in his jaw from trying to campaign for Bush with a straight face."

"Bore and Gush are concentrating on the military Cheney has an actual purple heart. Lieberman is a Jew, and everybody knows we Jews avoid drafts."

"Al Gore says he's no different from most Americans who work hard, pay their taxes and hate their bosses. Gore said he wrote his own speech, but then he got carried away and claimed he also invented spell-check."

"The Independent Counsel who took over from Ken Starr is convening another grand jury to investigate the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and they announced it just before Al Gore's big speech. In the annals of sleazy Republican tactics this is somewhere between breaking into Watergate and trading arms for hostages."

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