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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

April thru June 2000


Week ending April 7, 2000

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:
"Little Elian Gonzalez has gotten way too much publicity for a kid who hasn't even killed anybody."

Guest Adam Sandler on Late Night with Conan O'Brien: "My relationship with my father has changed since I've become famous. Now I sneak into his bedroom and play with his penis."

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"The only way for Elian to stay in the country is if he develops a split-finger fastball. Why don't we keep the kid and send Cuba Ricky Martin?"

"The Late Show is adopting Elian Gonzalez. It's the first time a talk show has ever adopted a kid. It'll drive Oprah nuts. All she's got is that measly little book club."

"The murder rate in New York is up 13% over last year, so Mayor Giuliani is putting more police on the street. I said, 'Wait a minute ...'"

"ABC hired Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio to interview Bill Clinton. Clinton offered to let him sketch an intern in the nude. Like the Titanic, many people have gone down on Clinton."

"Amtrak forgot to change their clocks, and today all the trains were on time. At 2 a.m. President Bubba moved an intern's hand forward."

"I know tomorrow is April Fools, because today I caught my Mom switching my heart medicine."

"Ben and Jerry are breaking up over the failure of their new flavor, strawberry rehab."

"From now until April 15, Times Square hookers, for an extra $50, will help you handle your extension."

"Here's a book called Keys to Inner Simplicity. Take a leak in a rental car. Sleep with the baby sitter. Kick a shoe salesman in the nuts."

"The Hello Deli next door is offering the Elian Gonzalez. It's a Cuban sandwich that's six years old."

Dave often mentions www.drivemehomegrandma.com

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Pfeizer is testing Viagra in nasal spray form on dogs. What do you call a dog on Viagra? A pointer. And I feel sorry for the mailman. By the way, a side effect of Viagra is flatulence. Just what women need, horny guys who are rocket powered."

"Another cult has barricaded itself inside its compound. But enough about Microsoft. Turns out, on the Fortune 500 list, Bill Gates is now between Rick Rockwell and M.C. Hammer. Gates has just been named president of the Small Business Association."

"For the last couple of days people have been sleeping on the sidewalk outside our studio. I thought it was fans of tonight's guests 'Nsync. Turns out to be Microsoft investors. Oh, and my stockbroker asked me an interesting question today—'You want fries with that?'"

Before 'Nsync performed: "I see there are even some older women in the audience tonight: 16, 17, 18. Emergency medical help is standing by. We have a trained dermatologist."

"Last night we had 'NsyncGinger Sync, Scary Sync, Kitchen Sync."

"Putin will bring new things to the Russian Presidency. Like a liver."

"I logged onto Amtrak's web site, and not only did my computer crash; it rolled down an embankment."

"Elian's father has delayed his trip. He's waiting for a stronger breeze."

"Do we really need the census? Publisher's Clearinghouse already knows where everybody is."

"California prisons will be full by 2001, so, rap stars, make your reservations now."

"They're talking about upscale movie palaces with gourmet food. 'More ground pepper on your Raisinettes?'"

"Monica Lewinsky's mother paid $15,000 for a painting of her daughter. I think it was 'Nude Descending a President.' I'm not sure why she bought it. The desk was blocking Monica's whole face. Actually, the $15,000 was just the cost of the paint."

"Jason Priestly was arrested for driving under the influence. His blood alcohol level was 90210."

"A study shows the more female friends you have, the less likely you are to have a heart attack. Unless your wife catches you."

"Judy Garland's ruby red slippers are being offered on the internet for $800,000. I saw the same pair at Payless for $400,000."

Guest Dom Herrera: "Push-up bras are like breasts on the half-shell."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Elian Among Us: The brave little boy who was born in a manger to save us all from our sins is going to be returned to Cuba. Janet Reno will break free from her moorings and drop Elian in Havana personally."

"OPEC: Crude Awakening: The good news is that OPEC will increase production 1.5 million barrels a day. The bad news is that those barrels will all be delivered by Captain Hazelwood of the Alaskan oil spill."

"Everybody loves the Latin music explosion, but no one wants to pick up the shrapnel."

Correspondent Lewis Black reported that Monica Lewinsky's purses are "based on her feed bags."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

Guest Chris Rock: "I'm not making fun of Puffy. I like champagne, but not up my ass.

"At one point Bill Gates was losing $4.7 million a second. He said, 'Now I know what it's like to produce a Kevin Costner movie. Bill was so upset at his losses that last night he didn't even watch Star Trek."

"Catherine Zeta Jones is being sued by a woman after a car accident. Michael Douglas said, 'Catherine's old enough to drive?'"

"Britney Spears had a mild concussion when a camera fell on her head. When she came to, she asked, 'Where did these big breasts come from?' The accident could have been worse. Luckily, she fell forward."

Guest Dana Carvey: "Bill Gates made a pact with the Devil. The Devil said, 'You can have $100 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"The judge has found against Microsoft, and Bill Gates has been appealing. This is the first time Bill Gates has ever been appealing. To those of you unfamiliar with Microsoft, they own the mortgage on your house. Bill Gates tried to commit suicide by jumping off his wallet."

"New Japanese Prime Minister Mori is keeping the present Chief of Conformity and Minister of Shame. He is instituting a weekly press conference, Tuesdays with Mori."

"The reason there are so few women cops is that they can't grasp the right to remain silent."

"A teacher in Kentucky was arrested for prostitution. She'd even stay after school and bang the erasers."

After mentioning the report that the relative lengths of the index and ring fingers indicates whether a woman is a lesbian: "Janet Reno tried to point out the reasonableness of the government's position on Elian Gonzalez, but her short little index finger ... "

"For the start of the baseball season, Janet Reno threw out the first 6-year-old Cuban."

"Robert Downey, Jr. turned 35 today, and his fellow inmates surprised him with an erotic birthday cake in the shape of his own ass."

"U.C. Santa Cruz voted yes to pot for medicinal purposes. Note to Whitney Houston, bitchy is not a disease."

"After a 24-hour closed-door session, OPEC members felt they had to reach a decision because of, well, the smell."

"That French oarsman halted his attempt to row across the Pacific. Even though he had gangrene in both feet and hadn't bathed for sixty-one days, he was still the best-smelling Frenchman on Earth."

"This weekend is the big Final Four. That's right, there are only four interns Clinton hasn't done yet."

"Tomorrow is daylight savings time, so if you're a terrorist, be sure to set your bomb ahead one hour."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Janet Reno e-mailed Bill Gates, 'You've got jail.'"

"The Japanese Prime Minister is in a coma. This gives us a preview of the Gore Presidency."

"With little Elian's family on the way the Justice Department needs an expert at picking up relatives, so they called Woody Allen. Cuba finally decided to send six relatives. Any more wouldn't fit on the raft."

"Jewish Reformed rabbis came out in favor of gay marriages, but they still can't eat pork."

"Al Gore says he won't rest until there's a computer in the home of every black person and they start naming their daughters Pentium."

On the report that the relative lengths of the index and ring fingers indicates whether a woman is a lesbian: "If between her thumb and index finger is another woman's nipple, that's an even better indication."

"George W. criticized Al Gore's book, and then it turned out he hadn't read it. This has happened before. He keeps criticising books he's never read as though he were still on the drugs he never took."

Guest Howie Mendell, completely bald: "I was shaving my ass and got carried away."

 

Week ending April 14, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"I woke up this morning, and my house was surrounded by Cubans."

"Did you see Elian interviewed this morning by Leonardo DiCaprio? Elian signed a deal to become the Taco Bell chihuahua. Actually, Elian is going to be raised by David Crosby and a team of lesbians. Juan Gonzalez, though, wants to take his son to Cuba to live 'La Vida Commie.' Juan came all the way from Cuba. When I was a kid, my dad wouldn't even pick me up from band practice."

"Message to Juan Gonzalez. This is your last chance to see Cats before it closes."

"Oh, and Hillary Clinton announced this morning that she's part Cuban, while Bill Clinton had sex last night on a Castro convertible."

"When they open you up for a bypass, they actually stop your heart. You know how they do that? By showing you the bill."

"For lunch today I ordered the Chicken Falcone, and it'd been cancelled."

"If you don't fill out your census form, you're going to prison. A lot of celebrities are having trouble with the form. Regis is baffled by questions without four answers from which to choose. Tom Cruise is embarrassed because he received the short form. Cher, after her most recent surgery, technically is no longer a person. Oprah figures they already have counted her because, girlfriend, she's Oprah. Lorne Green is dead. Woody Harrelson needed the paper for a 'project.' Ricky Martin says whether he filled it out or not is an intensely personal matter that's none of our damn business. Warren Beatty is still giving his Oscar speech. David Crosby needs further research on the number of children question. Poor David can't even go downtown for breakfast, because his front lawn is full of lesbians."

"Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio will be the first dumb blond in the Oval Office the President hasn't hit on."

"The murder rate is up 13% in New York. On the bright side, this makes it easier for the census takers."

"As soon as it started to snow in New York, Mayor Giuliani told the police to shoot it. At least the hookers in Times Square got a snow day."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Millionaire Bride Darva Conger is considering posing nude in Playboy for $100,000. She's trying to get her private life back by showing everybody her privates. She won't be completely nude. She'll be wearing her moneybelt."

"They've named a street in Chicago after Hugh Hefner. I thought they already had one—Wacker Drive."

"Hollywood Madame Baby Doll Gibson was convicted because of the credit card receipts. What kind of guy pays for a hooker with a credit card? If he's over his limit, all he gets is a firm handshake."

"American women are putting on weight. President Clinton has already ordered a larger desk."

"It turns out the Queen of England likes to go on the internet, but she likes to be anonymous. The Queen turns out to be a closet Queen."

"Elian's father Juan Gonzalez is such a stranger to the U.S. that he's thinking of running for Senator from New York. Juan is going to take little Elian on some father/son activities—not white-water rafting."

"Janet Reno says a child needs to be with his father, which is what Woody Allen told Soon-Yi. Elian met with dozens of psychiatrists ... I'm sorry, that was Whitney Houston."

"Why not send Richard Simmons to Cuba? He acts like a 6-year-old."

"Remember how much trouble Bill Clinton and Monica got into when they found a new home for a Cuban? The tabloids claim Monica is dating Kermit, because she told a friend she had a frog in her throat. Although she's been fired by Jenny Craig, Monica should have no trouble getting a desk job."

"You know how Halle Berry starts most conversations? 'You'll never guess who I ran into today.'"

"Whitney Houston's on the cover of next week's People, so the issue may not show up in your mailbox. At the Clive Davis tribute she did six hits on-stage—and twenty-five hits off-stage. Think how bad your drug problem has to be when the music industry tells you, 'Hey, slow down!'"

"Now high school teachers will not only have sex with you, they'll give you the answers to tests."

"A study shows men are hit by lightning four times as often as women—usually after saying, 'I'll call you.'"

"The first child born from a frozen embryo has turned sixteen. She spent the day chillin'."

"A street poll asked women what they'd do if they had a male organ. On Hollywood Boulevard, half of them already did."

"Bill Gates was losing $5 million a second there for awhile, but so did Madonna's last movie."

"The Census doesn't need to hire 2.4 million interviewers. Can't they just slip the Jehovah's Witnesses a couple of extra bucks?"

"What's happening in our society? The Supremes are getting back together, and Microsoft is breaking up."

"How was this new movie Black & White made? When were Mike Tyson and Robert Downey, Jr., both out of jail at the same time?"

"Monica Lewinsky's mother paid $15,000 for a painting of her daughter. There's another painting of all Clinton's old girlfriends together. It's called 'Dogs Playing Poker.'"

"Did you hear about those two strangers who were arrested for having sex in first class on American Airlines? Coach just got wet naps and an issue of Jugs. You know who I feel sorry for—the guy in the middle seat."

"It makes sense for Leonardo DiCaprio to interview Bill Clinton. Leo hit an iceberg. Bill married an iceberg. Leo's parents were hippies. Bill's girlfriends are too hippy. Leo dates supermodels. Bill dates supertankers. Leo has cool sideburns. Bill has rug burns. Leo's a heartthrob. On Bill you don't want to know what's throbbing. Leo's a great actor. Bill: 'I did not have sex with that woman.' Leo went down on the Titanic. The Titanic went down on Bill."

Guest Robin Williams: "They've renamed Viagra—Ramitall. People have died on Viagra, and they can't close the coffin. And Australia is Darwin's waiting room. Have you seen a duck-billed platypus? Looks like God was saying, 'Hmm, what parts do I have left?'" Robin's at www.audible.com, as opposed to Sylvester Stallone, who's at www.inaudible.com.

In a new products segment, Jay introduced a garden-tool storage device, the "Johnny Pimp Hoe Holder."

Monday Night Headlines:
"Bean Supper and Silent Auction"
Ad for "Hot tub—seats 1 man and 5 women."
Weddings: Rector - Carr, Keene - Belcher, Rider - Moore, Pullen - Wood.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"News for Penises: Uprima is the new potency drug which may outdo Viagra. A Golden Girls reunion has already been launched to handle all the jokes. In Britain the Minister of Wood voted to recommend the drug. Those who experience the side-effect of feeling faint should lie down, preferably on something with a vagina."

"Janet Reno says Elian's relatives must give Elian back to his father—and then correct their census forms."

"Finally the offended ABC newscasters admitted Leonardo's interview with President Clinton was DiCaprio-tastically Fabilicious."

"All my family members are short, and I'm afraid it's going to happen to me someday."

Segment Titles:
"Seoul Kiss:" Korean peace talks.
"The Bucket Stops Here:" Janitor strike in L.A.

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"ABC had to use Leonardo DiCaprio to interview President Clinton on environmental issues . Sam Donaldson couldn't do it because he wears an endangered woodchuck on his head."

"Hillary Clinton always made people go outside the White House to smoke cigarettes or her husband."

"Australians have been knitting sweaters to protect penguins from an oil spill. The penguins say they'd rather die than dress informal."

"In Oakland, CA, a man was arrested for robbing a bank in a wheelchair. Authorities are busy building a ramp up to his cellmate's butt."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Elian will meet his father at the emotional baggage claim."

"The MIR space station is a joint effort between the Russian space agency and American joke writers."

"Hugh Hefner turned 74 today. His girlfriend is mad at him, because, during lovemaking, he called out the wrong month. They just named a street after him, though, in Chicago. He showed up for the ceremony with his twin girlfriends, Gold and Digger."

"There's been heavy snow in the East—when a warm air mass from Canada met a cold front coming off Hillary Clinton."

"On this day in history the United States entered the first World War, not realizing the contract called for our appearance in a sequel."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Viagra now has competition from Uprima, a new impotence drug which takes only fifteen minutes to take effect—so it really is 'the quicker picker-upper.'"

"Psychiatrists figure it's safe to let John Hinkley out for unsupervised visits home. He watched Anna and the King and has no further interest in impressing Jodie Foster."

"Monica Lewinsky has lost her contract with Jenny Craig because she can't keep the weight off. In fact, her lesbian neighbor heard her moaning when she was eating Sara Lee."

"There's a charge that cd prices have been kept artificially high—especially Whitney Houston's."

"Janet Reno is going to Miami. As usual, she's the only one in the Administration with any testicles. Janet told the drunk uncles to 'Waco and smell the coffee.' Elian's father, Juan Gonzalez, wants to meet Ted Kennedy, since he knows what it's like to have a chick drown on you."

"Republicans are against this vacuum abortion method. First Monica, now this. What do Republicans have against suction devices? And I won't say George W. Bush doesn't know much about health care, but he thinks Kaiser Permanente is the Chancellor of Germany."


Week ending April 21, 2000

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Elian looked up at Janet Reno today and went, 'Dad?' And Elian's real father, Juan Gonzalez, gave the finger to the cameras. Maybe he can stay here and be a cab driver. Elian's been here so long even Michael Jackson is losing interest. Elian is expecting a baby with that schoolteacher in Seattle. Did you see the people outside Elian's uncle's house? Miami hasn't seen protests like that since CBS cancelled Golden Girls. Six months ago Elian was washed up, and now they're making a movie about him. Janet Reno will be played by Jack Palance. By now Elian is too old to play himself."

"Monica Lewinsky says she's voting for Hillary Clinton for Senator. Monica gets around. First she was under Bill. Now she's behind Hillary."

"Hollywood Madame Baby Doll Gibson was sentenced to 10 years—4 to 5 with good behavior, or 1 to 2 with really good behavior."

"Did you read about L.A.'s 'Toilet to Tap Program' to recycle waste water? It was bad enough when just the air was brown."

"A new study says sex before a marathon is a good thing. Now men can legitimately say, 'Sorry, babe, gotta run.'"

"A tornado in L.A. destroyed a trailer park. The only trailers left were the ones weighted down by Clinton's girlfriends."

"Clinton's will be the first Presidential Library with a mirror on the ceiling."

"Did you see all the stars at the American Psycho premiere? O.J., the Ramseys, John Hinkley, Charles Manson."

"Fed Ex employees shipped 121 tons of marijuana—when it absolutely positively has to be there whenever."

"A study found teenage girls who drink are much more sexually active. The study was funded by teenage boys."

"An 88-year-old man was arrested for trying to buy crack from an undercover officer. That Keith Richards!"

"Hillary Clinton acted as a high school principal today. Caught cheating? She'll forgive you."

"Stocks got pounded today like a White House intern. The biggest high tech stock today is The Clapper. Stocks were down 617 points. It's like halftime at a Clippers game."

"Tax day is the one time when crazy irate customers outnumber crazy irate postal employees."

"Do you know the real reason Abraham Lincoln was shot in the theater? His cell phone kept going off."

"Disneyland now says 10-year-olds are adults. It's what Michael Jackson has been saying all along."

"The average male thinks about sex 256 times a day. More bad news for Robert Downey, Jr. And no wonder gay couples are so happy—that's 512 times."

"Did you see little Elian's uncle's census form? Two bedrooms, 30,000 people. Darva Conger wants to marry Elian. Elian says what he really wants to do is direct. In Cuba Elian would attend a school across the street from a house of prostitution, while here he'd have sex with the teacher."

"This is the anniversary of the death of chain-store founder Fred Woolworth. I hear he was nickel and dimed to death."

Rejected Slogans:

Merrill Lynch: "We put the 'broke' in 'broker.'"
LA Clippers: "Come watch the other team win."
Marlboro: "Life after 40 sucks anyway."
Taco Bell: "You can always blame it on the dog."
Summer's Eve: "Douche's Wild."
Ex-Lax: "Howdy Doodie."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Reno Evil: With the Elian Gonzalez case, Janet Reno finally gets to use the line, 'Who's your daddy?' in an official capacity. The court decision that Elian can stay, however, left her feeling emasculated."

"Presidential doubtful Pat Buchanan ..."

"I wish I'd known American Psycho was a satire. I went out and killed a bunch of people because of it."

"A Man, a Hand, Panda Sperm: In China panda sperm is being collected for artificial insemination. Unsolicited donations were made by 12 guys in panda suits."

"O, the Humanity: Oprah has come out with a new magazine, because she hasn't had enough to read about herself while pooping gold."

"Cathode to Joy: A man broke a world's record by watching 99 hours of tv. To celebrate he's going to watch a tv show about Disneyland."

"I'm Gonna Hurl: John Rocker rejoined the Atlanta roster and began hurling his famous slurball."

"Ted Turner is best known as Jane Fonda's ex-workout. His new girlfriend, Bo Derek, is known for her role on Turner and Cootch."

Gay correspondent Frank De Caro said The Road to Eldorado is "a real swishbuckler."

Other Segment Titles:

"IMF Smackdown:" International Monetary Fund protests
"The Other Whites Meet:" story on Pat Buchanan

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"George W. Bush met with gay Republicans. They hate Hillary Clinton, but love what she's done to her hair."

"It's spring in New York. The police are shooting unarmed robins. Watch out if the police think you have a weapon. This afternoon they shot a guy taking a leak."

"Here's a tax tip. Tonight's show may not be written off as entertainment."

"On this day in history Abraham Lincoln was assassinated attending the premiere of Cats."

"Doesn't everybody love Catholics? No, really, they put on a good show."

Guest Kelly Monteith: "When I was growing up, the fertility drug was alcohol." "Now my credit cards pay each other. I've stepped out of the picture." "My first wife divorced me because I didn't match her shoes. I was a lazy white loafer."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

On stock market plunge: "Bill Gates spent the day designing a Windows product he could jump out of."

"After his meeting with gay Republicans, George W. Bush announced Ricky Martin does, indeed, have a sweet ass."

"Monica Lewinsky has a wonderful new boyfriend. Her life has become a regular Fellatio Alger story."

Guest Scott Thompson on Elian: "Obviously a child belongs to his great uncle and distant cousins." "I haven't seen feet like David Crosby's since I slept with a homeless guy."


Week ending April 28, 2000

Late Night Quip of the Week:
"The impending breakup of Microsoft into three parts is being blamed on Bill Gates' arrogance, a government vendetta, and, of course, Yoko Ono." - Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Immigration officials broke in my door at 5 a.m. Elian couldn't be reached for comment on the abduction by federal agents. He's busy being exploited by a whole new set of relatives. Mayor Giuliani was against the raid, probably because the police didn't shoot anyone. Now Congress wants to hold hearings. Well, that should speed things up. Juan Gonzalez wants to get back to his job as a hotel doorman, flagging down Cuba's only cab. Unfortunately, when Elian gets back to Cuba, he'll have missed a whole semester of Commie brainwashing."

"N.Y. police were arresting a hooker today, when she slipped out of the handcuffs and stole a police van. It happened so quickly the police didn't even have time to accidentally shoot her."

"I was late for work tonight. I got stuck in the tunnel, if you know what I mean."

Guest Jeff Foxworthy, who has a new CD Big Funny:
"Today I can't drive without my daughter in a special car seat, strapped in. We sent John Glenn into space with a Jethro Bodine seat belt." "
You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board, if your family tree doesn't fork, if your wife says she's game and you shoot her, or if you name your children after the cars in which they were conceived."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"A healthy man gets an erection ten times a night in his sleep, because his penis needs oxygen. That's why men are so attracted to airheads."

"Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy have broken up. Apparently she doesn't make him 'puffy' anymore."

"L.A. is going ahead with the plan to turn toilet water into tap water. And you thought you were bothered by the worm in the tequila bottle. Now your dog is your drinking buddy. It was bad enough when you found spinach between your teeth. And the slogans they've come up with aren't going to do it: 'From Your Butt to Your Gut,' 'Drink Coca-Colon,' 'Urine for a Treat,' 'Drink the Stink,' and 'Plop-plop, Whizz-whizz. Oh, What a Relief It Is.'"

"Poor Elian. Last time a Cuban was treated this bad, it ended up inside Monica Lewinsky's thong."

"Janet Reno, Warrior Princess, believes in getting families together at Easter, even if she has to do it at gunpoint. That was some picture of a federal agent pointing an automatic weapon at a 6-year-old—or, as Kathie Lee says, 'Back to work, kid.' Elian and his father was the most controversial reunion since Diana Ross tried to get back with the Supremes. The later pictures showed Elian and his father smiling. But then I've seen photos of Bill and Hillary smiling. The Franklin Mint is coming out with the Battle of Elian Chess Set—every piece is a pawn. In the latest version of the CBS mini-series, Elian's innertube hits an iceberg."

"In protest the Cuban community in Miami is staying home from work. I don't know how effective it will be . Half of Miami is already retired. And now they're sending four playmates for Elian. I think Castro is invading us very slowly. Elian may be becoming too Americanized. Yesterday a cell phone went off, and he said, 'Is that you or me?'"

"One of Hugh Heffner's girlfriends is going to be a regular on Baywatch. I guess all the CPR she performed on Hef finally paid off."

"Vermont has granted legal rights to same-sex couples. It used to be all the good ones were married or gay. Now they're both. Did you hear the first gay couple to marry in Vermont? The Brawny Paper Towel Guy and the Gorton Fisherman."

"For Earth Day Halle Berry crashed into an electric car. They're working on cars powered by fuel made from beans. You think you hate getting stuck behind a bus now."

"The demo tape for the new Spice Girls album is missing. How can something be missing if no one is looking for it?"

"Microsoft has scrapped its slogan for the new pocket pc: 'I've got something in my pocket that's Microsoft.'"

"The Easter Bunny was hurt in the stock market crash. Yep, all his eggs were in one basket. For Easter Janet Reno sponsored a tear-gas canister hunt in Miami. You know who started decorating Easter eggs? A gay chicken."

"Women are removing sperm from the bodies of their dead husbands. Kind of ironic. When they're alive, most men can't give it away."

"James Buchanan was the only bachelor President—until Clinton, of course."

"Madonna doesn't know the sex of her baby? She doesn't know the sex of half her lovers."

"The long national nightmare has ended. The Clippers season is over. And they gave a steady 45%."

State Slogans:
Texas: "How do you want your convicts—stir fried or extra crispy?"
Utah: "Take my wife. I have a million of them."
New York: "Sorry, we thought he had a weapon."
Minnesota: "Nine months of winter, three months of bugs."

Guest Tom Arnold: "Oh yeah, I'll continue to work out until I get married."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Elian Abduction: Elian's relatives' house was stormed by 20 agents—16 federal and 6 William Morris. Protesters in Miami set over 200 fires, calling into question whether they've truly learned the lessons of Earth Day. If they'd just declare Miami a library, these people would have to be quiet. Meanwhile, in hopes that he could play Elian in the CBS mini-series, Haley Joel Osment's handlers have strapped him to a tanning bed and are force-teaching him Spanglish."

"Tonight we have Hugh Hefner and the Bentley twins—all four of them."

"Losing a Bundle: The Justice Dept., fresh from breaking up the media behemoth that is the Gonzalez family, is now pointing a gun at the head of poor quivering Microsoft."

"Earlier John McCain had said whether to fly the Confederate flag was an issue for South Carolina to decide. George W said it was an issue for South Dakota to decide." Correspondent Mo Rocca said, "Let's not get sidetracked. Slavery was then. Confederate History Month is now."

"Big Hack Attack: 'Mafia Boy,' the hacker who broke into the CNN website, was apprehended at his home." [Footage of Elian being carried from his home.]

"Green Bay Pukers: Wisconsin leads the nation in binge drinking—5 or more drinks in a single sitting. Or, as I call it, brunch."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"It's something of a scandal that Mayor Giuliani's wife is appearing on Broadway in The Vagina Monologues. Her character helps a penis get elected to the Senate."

"What do they say when they geld a racehorse? 'And they're off!'"

"Madonna says she doesn't care if her baby is a boy or a girl—just so it has a fake British accent."

"A former girlfriend remembers Bill Gates as having bad breath. He remembers her as not having $100 billion."

Guest Robert Wagner. "I've known Rob Lowe for a long time. I have three daughters."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Cats is closing on Broadway. Audiences have deserted for the cute new musical Kittens. If you want to continue to enjoy Cats, you can visit your local Chinese restaurant."

"Darva Conger will pose nude for Playboy. She made the decision after she lost a multi-million dollars."

"If you want to give Barbra Streisand a birthday gift, you can't She's already gotten it from a gay man."

"Miami isn't worried about the strike over Elian's abduction. According to INS records, there are only 12 Cubans in the city anyway. Now four classmates are to visit Elian, as soon as Janet Reno can arrange for them to be taken from their homes at gunpoint."

"Al Franken is in a feud with Ben Stein. Yes, it's the Franken-Stein feud."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Elian and the fisherman was the most famous image of an Hispanic in a closet—not counting Ricky Martin."


Week ending May 5, 2000

Late Night Quip of the Week:
"Madonna fired her London butler because he was sloppy, irresponsible and had a low sperm count." - Conan O'Brien on Late Night

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Disney's ABC station was blacked out by Time Warner in New York. When ABC just had a blank screen, the guys here at CBS went, 'At last, a level playing field!'"

"Did you folks see the Country Music Awards? My favorite was a Hank Williams medley, sung by a confused Whitney Houston."

"Janet Reno was on Oprah. She was wearing new glasses she got in a pre-dawn raid on Lenscrafters."

"CBS just bought the rights to do a 4-part mini-series on OJ. And we have the rights to his next murder. Remember OJ? He's the guy who got better treatment from the justice system than Elian Gonzalez. Now, though, Elian and his father are being treated so nice that Castro has decided to defect."

"Today was Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, a tradition started by President Clinton when he was caught coming out of the Oval Office with an 18-year-old. This morning, INS agents brought their daughters along on pre-dawn raids."

"Four schoolmates are visiting little Elian Gonzalez. Castro let them off from a week of rolling cigars. Clinton's going to the airport to meet them—and to check out them Cuban Moms. By the way, shouldn't we see Elian's hot cousin posing nude for Playboy by now?"

To audience member: "You went to Ball State? Then I'll speak very slowly."

Complimenting guest Glen Campbell on one of his early hits: "That was a great make-out song—even if you were by yourself."

Guest Salma Hayek explained her figure by saying that at adolescence she immersed her hands in holy water and prayed, "Please, God, give me some breasts."

When guest Kim Basinger tried to explain her movie, I Dreamed of Africa, the audience kept taking 'into the bush' the wrong way.

Every day for a week, fake INS agents invaded The Late Show and seized Tony Mendez, the Cuban cue card boy.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"At the White House Correspondents dinner I sat next to the President. The entree was pheasant under oath. Also sitting with us were Janet Reno and Kevin Spacey. I kept getting an image of Janet Reno in Kevin's movie American Beauty." [Clip of nude Janet Reno lookalike on bed strewn with rose petals]

"On this week's celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Kathie Lee Gifford missed, 'What is the minimum wage?'"

"There's an Impotency Convention being held in Atlanta. Not a lot of hookers working that gig."

"Newt Gingrich is getting married again. He doesn't feel comfortable without a wife to cheat on."

"Singer James Brown turned 66 today. He says, 'I feel good.' Know what I got him? A brand new bag."

"The Kentucky Derby is this Sunday. It's for horses that are only three years old—or as the Sizzler calls them, veal."

Have you seen the First Lady's new Senate ads? "Hillary: the first Clinton you can trust your daughter with."

"This is the anniversary of the publication of Norman Mailer's The Naked and the Dead—the story of Bill Clinton and Al Gore."

"Al Gore just appeared to support gay rights and also supported more law enforcement. He's combining the two stands by advocating adding a second cop to The Village People."

"A study shows the average high school prom-goer spends $1,000. Or $1,009, if you count the pregnancy test."

"Gladiator takes place in ancient Rome—back when athletes used to kill people inside the stadium."

"In the 70's Bill Gates had about $200 in his pocket, Michael Douglas was dating a 23-year-old and the President was called Tricky Dick. Everything's the same!"

"Now the Ramseys are refusing to take a lie-detector test. They say, 'We don't need a machine to tell us we're lying."

"Al Gore hurt his back this week, flip-flopping on the Elian Gonzalez issue. And, hey, would the last person out of Cuba please turn out the lights?"

"I turned 50 yesterday. I still feel like a kid. I still prefer chewable Viagra."

"A survey found men averaging 16 sex partners. Right. That's 9 on the phone, 6 on the internet and 1 inflatable doll."

"Did you watch The 70's miniseries on NBC? Apparently in the 70's no one could act. In the 70's the President was caught in a scandal; gas prices were high, and Castro was in power in Cuba. Thanks God things have changed."

"To celebrate the international workers' holiday on May 1, workers in an Indonesian Nike factory were brought out for their annual look at the sun."

"For her Playboy spread I wonder what Darva Conger will list as her turn-ons. Maybe cash?"

"Meanwhile, once again I was 51 on People's list of the 50 Most Beautiful People."

"To prove a point, an 18-year-old female valedictorian in Oregon showered with five boys and got suspended. While in Seattle a 12-year-old boy slept with his teacher and got lucrative tv and book deals."

"A study shows cheap beer leads to overindulgence, which leads to more venereal disease. Cheap beer and gonhorrea. Sounds like a date with Tonya Harding."

"George W. Bush made $21.3 million at a fund-raising dinner with the NRA and tobacco companies. The main course was spotted owl."

"Mayor Giuliani of New York has prostate cancer. So when cabbies give you the finger, they're just reminding you to get an exam."

"Today was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I feel sorry for the daughters of mens' room attendants."

"Little Elian's fisherman was found in a closet with another 6-year-old boy. That fisherman is like the Latino Kato Kaolin."

"Openly gay actor Rupert Everet was seen going into a nightclub with a beautiful woman, and so now there are tabloid rumors that he's straight. 'But I'm gay.' 'I don't think so.'"

"This is the 14th anniversary of Chernobyl, the biggest accident in history not involving Whitney Houston."

Guest Matthew McConaughey revealed that he sleeps naked, sleepwalks, and sometimes wakes up in hotel corridors with no clothes and no key. 

Monday Night Headlines:
"Stool Softener Can Remove Ear Wax Buildup"
"Buy one buger, get one free"
"Drunk Student Arrested for 'Humping' Stop Sign." Jay: "The sign said 'Stop.'"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"George W. Bush raised $21.3 million with a single dinner. Sponsors included AT&T, the NRA and Phillip Morris. The dinner menu even offered a vegetarian selection, which read, 'What are you, queer?'"

"Gays of Thunder: [gay march in D.C.] Park bathrooms were packed with undercover officers in a horribly uncoordinated sting operation. The crowd swelled to 700,000, due to intense recruiting at high schools along the way."

"Labor Pains: On May Day, anti-capitalist protesters in London tore down the golden arches of a McDonald's. Then they put them up again when they realized it was the best food in Britain."

"Fissure Price: The Atlantic Ocean, straight from its starring role in the Elian Gonzalez story, is cracking under the pressure of stardom. Fissures in the ocean floor could lead to earthquakes, causing huge tidal waves."

[Clip of a man having sex with a pinata]: "So that's how they shove candy into those things."

"Close, But No Cigar:" Correspondent Vance DeGeneres did a story on Clinton impersonators. Then a Vance DeGeneres impersonator talked to Jon Stewart.

Correspondent Mo Rocca reported: "George W. Bush and Al Gore are doing foreign-language tv ads. Two men who say very little in English are now saying absolutely nothing in Spanish."

Other Segment Titles:
"Let Saigons Be Saigons" [25th anniversary of end of Viet Nam War]
"The Cable Guise" [Time Warner vs. Disney]
"Tiger Sanction" [Tiger Woods refuses to cross picket line to film Nike commercial]

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Hillary Clinton and Al Gore both appeared with the President for the first time in months, and there was a fight over who would get to speak the longest. Finally they decided Hillary could speak longer, because Al Gore's speech would seem longer anyway."

"An Elle magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated. Meanwhile, 29% of the men masturbated just reading about the poll."

"The Supreme Court is deciding whether the Boy Scouts have to accept a gay leader. Who would know better how to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together?"

"A lot of Las Vegas stars have had drug problems. At one point Sigfreid was so addicted to Valium he thought he saw Roy kissing a woman."

Guest Al Franken thinks Hillary should capitalize on Mayor Giuliani's medical problem with ads saying, 'New York needs a Senator who can't get prostate cancer." Al also thinks a successful police program would be, "Hand in a gun; get a free vial of crack."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"When Dolly Parton's first joke fell flat at the Country Music Awards, she tapped her breasts and said, 'Are these things on?'"

"NASA says the Universe is flat, and plans to sent a pair of giant implants into space."

"Janet Reno says if Fidel Castro has a problem with the way we're dealing with the Elian situation, he should talk to her man-to-man."

"At the big gay celebration on Washington, President Clinton laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Choreographer."

"Mayor Giuliani's prostate cancer will be removed, taken into an alley and shot 41 times. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton says she'll do her part by taking the pin out of the ass of her Mayor Giuliani voodoo doll right away."

"Here's a clip of a six-legged lamb. The parents were Angelina Jolie and her brother."

"My mother got upset that last night I called Rasheed Wallace 'a punk-ass bitch.' Mom suggested 'poopy pants,' 'wussie,' 'stupid head' and 'worse than your father.'"

Guest Jeff Foxworthy, promoting his new cd, Big Funny: "Little kids in a supermarket buy cereal the way men buy lingerie. They get stuff they have no interest in just to get the prize inside."

Craig introduced a new character: Craig Kilborn, Frontier Proctologist.


Week ending May 12, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"You folks saw me over the weekend in the big Gladiator movie. I played Eunuch #3. I think the movie had some historical inaccuracies. In the Roman Coliseum, did they really do the wave? I'll tell you, though. I haven't seen so much blood since I hosted the Academy Awards."

"I'm taking Mom to see Gladiator—or, as Janet Reno calls it, the season's great date movie. Janet Reno is so polite. [Clip of Elian Gonzalez raid] She always says, 'Don't get up. We'll let ourselves in.'"

"Everybody's feeling great in New York. Today I saw a cop just wound an unarmed man. It was so sunny rats were coming up out of the subway squinting. It was so nice kids were diving in the reservoir for spent bullets. It was so nice Hillary didn't have to pretend to like New York. It was so hot, though, people were cooling off by hovering around Mayor Giuliani's marriage."

"Mayor Giuliani and his wife are splitting after 16 years. You never saw them together, and now they're splitting? Now he's free to run for Senator against Hillary—and maybe date her."

"Paula Jones is posing nude for Penthouse to kick off her Senate campaign. Paula Jones in Penthouse. What is the opposite of Viagra?"

"Kathie Lee and Frank Lee Gifford were talking with Diane Sawyer on 20/20. Where's that ABC blackout when you really need it?"

"And Regis Philbin has a new clothing line. All the clothes will be wrinkle-free, which is more than you can say for Regis."

"What do you think of Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Hmph, if celebrities want to be asked dumb questions on tv, they can come here."

Performing an introduction: "I think of them as the Baldwin brothers of music. Here's Hanson."

On Cinco de Mayo: "Earlier this year I had a Cinco de Bypass."

Guest Betty White: "On Match Game I had to come up with words to go with 'willow.' They were 'weeping,' 'pussy' and 'tit.'"

Mother's Day Cards:
"Mom, please put on a bra. Cody and Cassidy"
"Mom, please tell me that smell is Ben-Gay."
"Mom, I just want to tell you, not everyone looks good in that Jennifer Lopez dress."
"Mom, I need more room for my Nautilus equipment; so I'm putting you in a home."
"Mom, I just want to say thanks for helping me bury that hitchhiker."
"Happy Mother's Day to Mom & Mom & David Crosby!"

Top 10 Jockey Pet Peeves:
10. Every time you undress, wife shouts, "Aaaand they're off!"
6. When you spend your whole life around horses you can't help but feel a little ... inferior.
3. Nagging fear that if you sprain your ankle, they might shoot you.

Top 10 Signs You're Watching a Bad Gladiator Movie:
10. Computer-animated tiger freezes thanks to "ILoveYou" virus.
8. The rebel gladiators hold their meetings at the Olive Garden.
6. Accusations that the matches have been fixed by promoter Donus Kingus.
5. During a battle, one gladiator yells, "car," and they all have to let traffic through.
3. Instead of emperor's thumb down—he gives the finger.
1. It's about the fall of Roma Downey.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Paula Jones will be the first Penthouse Pet you can actually pass off as a real pet. Paula Jones nude. We should all sue her for sexual harassment. And Darva Conger says her Playboy nude spread is 'tasteful.' I guess that means the donkey is in soft focus. Darva and Paula—The Battle of the White Trash Gold Diggers."

"What about that computer love bug? The one guy in the world who's not afraid to say 'I love you,' and they put him in jail."

"The jockey who won the Kentucky Derby wants to go to Disney World, but you have to be this tall."

"Billy Bob Thornton just married Angelina Jolie. You know how Billy Bob knew Angelina was attracted to him? She said he was like a brother to her."

"That computer love bug isn't the first time somebody has said 'I love you' and given me a virus. This virus is the scariest thing to happen to computers since that nude picture of Dr. Laura. We at the Tonight Show all got the 'I Love You' virus—except bandleader Kevin Eubanks, who got the 'I Value You As a Friend' virus."

"Regis Philbin was in the hospital for surgery. It's the second time he's had an obstruction removed. Three, if you count getting rid of Kathie Lee. Regis has a new line of shirts. Idiotic multiple-choice questions are in the pockets."

"Kathie Lee Gifford was on Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and it was a little embarrassing. She used her lifeline to call her husband Frank, and the flight attendant answered. And in a New Jersey mall, a guy emptied a bag of live mice on a table in front of Kathie Lee. She screamed and screamed and screamed. The fans all applauded, because they thought she was singing. Then Kathie Lee and Frank were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. Kathie Lee said when he cheated on her she wanted to kill Frank. Then she decided, rather than kill Frank and go to jail, she'd stay married and drive him to suicide."

"Gladiator has a subplot about a guy who wants to marry his sister. Angelina Jolie calls it the feel-good movie of the year."

"Drew Cary plays Gepetto in a mini-series. He's a man who turns a wooden puppet into a Democratic Presidential candidate."

"That 'Money Manager to the Stars' stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon and people like that—and $1.69 each from Gary Coleman and M.C. Hammer."

"You know that strike by actors in tv commercials? I feel sorry for the guy in the picket line behind that lady with gas. Ad agencies are having to use non-actors in commercials. Like today they filmed Charles Manson saying, 'I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

"Playboy claims to have proof that a woman had 134 orgasms in one hour. You know what the proof is? [Jay puffs up proudly.] You're lookin' at it."

"Atlanta is hosting an impotency convention. Entertainment is by Limp Biskit. Microsoft is sponsoring the opening session, and then they'll close with Up With People."

"The guy who wrote Basic Instinct is writing a new movie for Monica Lewinsky. But in this one, when she uncrosses her legs, a canned ham falls out."

"The New York Times says New York Mayor Giuliani is not wearing his wedding ring and has been seen around town with another woman. He's not only running against a Clinton. He is a Clinton! Speaking of which, President Clinton says he likes to go turkey hunting and 'hear those turkeys sing.' He's always loved that 'gobble gobble' sound. "

"There's a man making a living as a Tom Arnold impersonator. How is that possible? Tom Arnold can't make a living as the real Tom Arnold."

"In Philadelphia, schools are requiring all the students to wear standard uniforms 'to cut down on crime.' Well, it worked for the NFL."

"Little Elian Gonzalez is living high on the hog on that estate. Now, when he wants to go someplace, a servant blows up the inner tube."

"It was so hot in Texas today that Governor Bush was frying convicts on the sidewalk."

"I just read that the best way to lure snails is with beer. If you have trouble catching snails, maybe you should put the beer down."

Monday Night Headlines:

"Portable Toilet Bombed; Police Have Nothing To Go On"
Ad for "Mrs. Paul's Dreaded Fish Sticks"
Ad for "Meatload Sandwich"
Ad: "Daybed for sale. May also be used at night."
Ad: "Chester Drawers For Sale"
Weddings: "Chew-Mohiney," "Small-Weiner," "Fillinger-Goode," "Peters-Holder" and "Busch-Graber"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"E-Mail Trouble: Police arrested a Filipino man who, we regret to inform, loves none of you. The 'I Love You' virus was followed by the 'Let's Just Be Friends' virus and the even worse 'We Need to Talk' virus."

"Russia's new President Putin promised a chicken in every pot, and then asked America for chickens. And some pots."

"The Shower and the Glory: In Powers, Oregon, the high school valedictorian was stripped of her title for showering with five boys. She earned a new title."

About the National Rifle Association and George W. Bush: "Is that a President in your back pocket, or are you just happy to see us?"

"China Dull: Ex-Presidents Ford and Carter supported normalizing trade relations with China. An hour later they felt like supporting it again."

Correspondent Steve Carell: "Life's a bitch. Then you marry one."

Correspondent Frank De Caro: "Gladiator is a throwback to gay recruiting films like Spartacus. It's a classic showdown between Gladiator and Sorry He Didn't." 

Guest Wendie Malick of Just Shoot Me is playing her character Nina Van Horne in an A&E special. "My parents left me in a pig's feeding trough with a note attached to my wrist saying, 'Allergic to bananas.'"

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in areas of New York State usually ignored by politicians. She knows what it's like to have a region ignored by a politician. Now, though, Hillary says she and Bill are experiencing role reversal. Until she ran for the Senate, she had no idea there was so much sweet tail out there."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Now that Angelina Jolie has married Billy Bob Thornton, Angelina's brother has had to go back to dating other sisters."

"McCain is Able: John McCain has endorsed George W. Bush. McCain had a change of heart when he received an e-mail from Bush headed 'I Love You.'"

"Gladiator proves what I've said all along—mini-skirts look hot on men!"

At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Shania Twain couldn't accept the Entertainer of the Year Award, because she was detained in the hot tub of—Mr. Craig Kilborn!"

"A virus that tricks you by saying 'I love you.' Huh, it sounds like a man. Actually, the 'I Love You' virus started in West Africa in 1993 when a rhesus monkey had sex with a Powerbook. The most shocking aspect of the story? It turns out there are computers in the Philippines."

"There's a custody battle over the Howdy Doody puppet. In the 1950's 'Howdy Doody' was a polite way of greeting feces."

Guest Steven Weber told about sticking a glass eye in his butt when he mooned somebody.

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

The show broadcast for a week from prison, calling it "Scared Correct."

"There's a lot of hate here in prison. Luckily, it's Arizona; so it's a dry hate."

"Prison is like the White House. There's a lot of illicit sex, and everyone claims to be innocent."

"The 'Love Bug' virus creator may have been a woman. And now she's sending out the even more deadly 'What Are You Thinking?' virus."

"The cast of Friends is asking $1 million each per episode. For that they'll sign for two years and David Schwimmer will experiment with a second facial expression."

 

Week ending May 19, 2000

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Sylvester Stallone is making Rocky VI, in which Rocky battles erectile dysfunction. Rocky's now the same age Burgess Meredith was in the original movie."

"There's a new bra that uses bubble wrap for padding. You know how much fun it is to pop that stuff. Ladies, if you think guys can't keep their hands off your boobs now ..."

"Mayor Rudolph Giuliani says he and his wife are splitting. He thanked President Clinton for making cheating fashionable. We call him Mayor Gigoloni."

"Halle Berry has to do 200 hours of charity work [turns to bandleader]. Hey, now she can date you, Kevin."

"CBS's new fall schedule is 'All Jesus, All the Time.' Did you see the ratings? Jesus beat the bejeezus out of Regis. Fox is coming out with Bethlehem 90210. At the end of the CBS movie, Jesus comes home to George Clooney. No, did you folks see it? On E.R., George Clooney, Batman, actually left Robin for Julianna Margulies."

"What does it say when Jesus is crucified, but Indiana coach Bobby Knight is just slapped on the wrist?"

"Alan Greenspan just raised interest rate 1/2%, saying he was doing it because of rising wages. Thanks a lot, cast of Friends!"

"There's a report Kathie Lee's handbags are being produced by Chinese workers making three cents an hour. Kathie says, 'Hey, why are we paying them time-and-a-half?' And Kathie Lee's new CD debuted at 163 on the charts. At 164 it's officially a coaster. If you listen to it while looking at Paula Jones nude in Penthouse, you can bleed from the eyes and ears simultaneously."

"Los Alamos is the largest fire ever set by the federal government not involving Janet Reno. They're flying in Monica Lewinsky to try to blow it out."

"Paula Jones is going to appear nude in Penthouse. She wants to cover the area below her waist. Penthouse wants to cover the area above her neck. And hey, just because President Clinton made a mistake, why do we have to pay? Both Paula and Darva nude. Remember the good old days when men's magazines published pictures of women you'd like to see naked? You're advised to look at the pictures the way you'd look at a solar eclipse—through a pinhole. They'll run with a caution: 'Photos in this magazine may cause nausea and vomiting.' Guys, if you're thinking of ever turning gay, this might be a good year to do it."

"A teacher in Kentucky was arrested for prostitution. At night the teacher's pet could pet the teacher."

"Bobbie Brown was arrested again. He just fell in with the wrong crowd—his wife!"

"There's going to be an Easy Rider sequel. The actors are all so old now, they're going to call it Easy Chair. Instead of cocaine, they're on a quest for affordable medicine for seniors."

"Viagra is now available in Ireland, and the government will pay for it. Help for the wee people, aid for the little man."

"McDonald's employees were fired for spitting and urinating in the food. How did they discover the secret recipe for the special sauce?"

"Al Gore spoke at Beaver College in Pennsylvania. Isn't that Bill Clinton's alma mater?"

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad for "Tide Ultra Detergent With Bacon"

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"In CBS's Jesus movie, I played Dave the Baptist. Satan had a sidekick, Mini-Satan, and the Lord pulled off a miracle. He brought CBS back from the dead. I was a little annoyed by the obvious product placement, though [clip of a disciple eating Pringles and telling the other disciples they're 'Pringle-icious']. And I think they took a few historical liberties. I don't remember Jesus' father showing up and taking him back to Cuba. And was the Last Supper really hosted by Billy Crystal?"

"Mayor Giuliani is running for Senator of Splitsville, so now Hillary Clinton is the candidate with the stable marriage. Hillary is so confident now, she's raising campaign money legally. Giuliani's so down he no longer gets a kick out of arresting the homeless. Today's startling Giuliani announcement: he's a woman trapped in a man's body."

"Miss Universe gets a night on the town with Mayor Giuliani. Giuliani's wife throws him out. Twenty minutes later, the police arrest him for being homeless. Mayor Giuliani's first act, now that he's single, was to go to Times Square and reopen all the strip clubs."

"And speaking of polls, Al Gore."

"Do you know where the candidates stand on the issues? On Tonga, George W. says he used to enjoy playing with their toy trucks. And on Chechnya, he says he loved the movie he made with Chong."

"The cast of Friends threw a little wine and hissy fit, and they're going to be paid $750,000 an episode."

"Mother's Day is the biggest day of the year for long-distance telephone calls. Makes you wonder why so many people move long distances from Mom, doesn't it? I'm off the hook this year, though. Mom thinks I'm still in the hospital."

"When President Clinton started playing grab-ass with that heavyset woman down in Washington ..."

Guest David Hyde Pierce said he'd discovered his dogs were lesbians: "I just want them to be happy."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"We're second-rate reporters giving the third degree the second news happens."

"Friends in Greed: NBC over the next two years will pay the cast of Friends $40,000,000 each. So, in your face, poor countries!"

Correspondent Tom Johnson to Mayor Giuliani after his meeting with the media: "Depress Conference: Can we have our lap dancers back now, you immoral hypocrite? Say goodnight, Gracie Mansion."

"Dame & Damer: Queen Elizabeth made Elizabeth Taylor and Julie Andrews Dames of the British Empire. Oh great, another Queen who loves Julie Andrews."

"Mom's Away: Sunday your mothers were a horde. They crowded the Washington Mall, while your dads stood around embarrassed, holding their purses. The anti-gun protesters had their own protesters, with signs saying, ''Guns Are the Ultimate in Feminine Protection,' and, I Wasn't Raped. I Was Armed.' And speaking of Mother's Day ...

"Baby on Fjord: According to a recent study, Norway is the best place in the world to be a mom."

"Uh Oh, Calcutta: India's population passed one billion, leading the government to issue soylent tandori."

Correspondent Nancy Walls on Porn Workers:  "Carpal tunnel syndrome due to endless hours of self-gratification, dim lighting, overcrowding[clip of orgy scene] and annoying music. Those are the conditions facing porn workers." Nancy spoke to a union organizer. "If you were unionized, what would you earn for hovering over someone and relieving yourself?" The organizer replied, "It would be regular union scale, less union dues."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

Regarding breast augmentation surgery, Britney Spears said, 'Personally, I could never do it.' That's why she had a skilled surgeon do it for her."

"Brooke Shields is engaged to a comedy writer she supposedly met on the set of Suddenly Susan. Does she expect us to believe there were comedy writers on the set of Suddenly Susan?"

"Tony Bennett is to 'I Left My Heart in San Francisco' as Siegfried is to 'I Left My Ring in Roy, Thanks, Crisco.'"

"Jesus has renegotiated, and next year He's demanding the same as the cast of Friends."

For his 60th birthday Ted Koppel's wife gave him a motorcycle. He'll ride it as soon as he figures out how to comb his hair over the helmet."

Guest Caroline Rhea: "Being on your show is like sex, because even when it isn't going well, I'm just glad I'm being paid."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"The Artist has changed his name back to Prince. News flash, honey: I've been calling you Prince all along. In a related story, George Michael has changed his name to Mrs. Ricky Martin."

"Sunday was the Million Moms March—or, as Clinton calls it, the St. Bootie's Day Parade. There was a corresponding Million Dads March to the adult section of Blockbuster Video."

"Mark Chmura was suspended for having sex with a 17-year-old. But he still was named Player of the Week, because he didn't murder anyone."

"Mayor Giuliani is dropping out of the Senate race to run for President. Meanwhile, his wife is Hillary Clinton's biggest supporter."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"In the Los Alamos fire the damage is so bad the Chinese have been told our nuclear secrets may be a little late this month."

Conan O'Brien, answering the Proust Questionnaire in Vanity Fair:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
"A long walk on the beach with my Israeli bodyguards."

What is your greatest fear?
"Puberty."

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
"Mrs. Herbert Hoover."

Which talent would you most like to have?
"The ability to make people laugh."

 

Week ending May 26, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"The National Rifle Association is opening a new theme restaurant in Times Square—Planet Homicide. To get the waiter's attention, you fire a couple of warning shots. The specialty will be 'Chicken NRA,' served face down with a bullet in its back. You can take away your leftovers in foil shaped to look like an assassinated President. Their motto is, 'Guns don't kill people. Salmonella kills people.'"

"Mission: Impossible-2 is about the Rick Lazio campaign. Rick Lazio is the new Republican candidate for New York Senator. One day you're running a pizza oven in Queens. Next day you're running against Hillary. Rick Lazio. I don't know about him. He looks like the kind of guy who can't get past the $500 question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."

"There are other guys who'd make a good New York Senator:
Magician David Copperfield: If he could shack up with a supermodel, he could fix health care.
Martha Stewart: She'd create low-cost housing out of pine cones and Elmer's glue.
Bill Gates: He'd buy New Jersey so New Yorkers would all have a place to park.
James Brolin: He's used to dealing with egomaniacal power-crazed people.
Richard Simmons: At long last 52-year-old men with greasy legs can be represented.
Oprah: Because, girlfriend, she's Oprah.
Coach Bobby Knight: How great would it be to see him choke the crap out of Ted Kennedy."

"I think CBS' Jesus mini-series took liberties with historical facts. I don't think at the real Last Supper the waiter came over to Jesus and said, 'Sorry, this credit card is no good.' Jesus is now on QVC selling a new line of sandals."

"Mayor Giuliani said if he does decide to run, he'll place two girlfriends in a blind trust."

Felicia in the band said she wanted to cut six inches off her hair, but she didn't have a ruler, so she had to use "something on Paul" (bandleader Paul Shaffer). Dave: "Well, let me know if you ever want to cut off a foot."

Guest Michael J. Fox on his Parkinson's disease: "I think celebrities airing their physical troubles on tv is just a pathetic attempt to get attention. How do you feel about that, Dave?" Michael J. has been hanging around at medical conventions. "When you're around show business people, you have a pretty good chance of being the smartest guy in the room." On his house appearing in this month's Architectural Digest: "Yeah, he's got a degenerative brain disease, but look at that dining room." Dave: "Speaking of problems, isn't Charlie Sheen taking over your role on Spin City?" Michael J.: "Yeah, and he'll be on opposite his father in West Wing. It's sort of a Sheen Family Smackdown."  Click for Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's charity

"Here's Nathan Lane, the man who put the Broad in Broadway." Nathan: "It's spring, when a middle-aged man's fancy turns to ... anything he can get his hands on." Nathan on Tonya Harding's sentence requiring her to work on cleaning up highways: "Tonya Harding, a knee-whacker wielding a Weed-Whacker."

Top 10 Features of the NRA Restaurant:
9. Bulletproof lobster bibs
8. Mandatory seven-day waiting period between ordering dinner and dessert
7. Tip over 20 percent, get complimentary frisking by waitress
6. Monday night is Ladies Night, and by ladies we mean "guys too sissy to carry loaded weapons."
5. All waiters named "Smith" or "Wesson."
4. Eric Clapton guitar they stole at gunpoint from Hard Rock Cafe.
3. Movie memorabilia from such stars as Charlton Heston and ... Charlton Heston.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"There were two Mission Impossibles this week, if you count the Ramseys passing a lie detector test. Clinton said, 'They're good!' and even O.J. admitted, 'I'm impressed!' Patsy Ramsey hired a plastic surgeon to put an innocent look on her face."

"Larry King is a father at 66. They named the baby Viagra. Larry says he just wants to live long enough to see the kid graduate from preschool."

"Did you read about that man fined $810 for mooning John Rocker? Another young man ruined by crack."

"I think we should establish trade with China. China is already the biggest consumer of U.S. politicians. They buy more than all the other countries combined."

"Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley have broken up. I'm not worried. Hugh will find someone else. It might cost him $100..."

"Bobby Brown's in jail for parole violation. He can't figure out how that cocaine got in his urine. He put it in his nose. One good thing, at least he doesn't have any concerts he has to cancel."

"Kathie Lee Gifford is considering doing a sit-com on CBS. Too bad the title Just Shoot Me has already been taken. Kathie Lee's new album has a song about her husband Frank and his flight attendant: 'Sweatin' to the Oldies.'"

"Actors in commercials are still on strike. Bad news for Monica Lewinsky, who just landed a commercial more in keeping with her talents. She's to be in the one, 'What would you do for a Klondike Bar?'"

"In San Diego, for $500 an airplane will take you up so you can join the mile-high club. You get a featherbed and champagne. That's in first class. Coach gets a National Geographic and a Wet-Nap."

"Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?"

"This week's Newsweek cover story is on 'Women & Sex.' It turns out to have something to do with meals in really expensive restaurants. And the article lists the four reasons women are most often left sexually unsatisfied: lack of desire, lack of arousal, menopause and can't find the batteries."

"Hillary Clinton's new slogan: 'One cheating husband down; one to go.' Mayor Giuliani said he was quitting the race because he was 'staring death in the face.' Bill Clinton said, 'Come on. Hillary isn't that bad.' In Arkansas they want to disbar Clinton. Worst ruling he's gotten since the 10 Commandments. Instead of being disbarred, Clinton should lose his drivers license. Have you looked at his girlfriends? Obviously, he can't see."

"Australian scientists have found a tranquilizer they say works on turtles. How would they tell? A tranquilized turtle. Sounds like the perfect pet for Al Gore."

"O.J. Simpson is moving to Florida. He says he's looking forward to killing people in a warmer climate where he doesn't have to worry about hats and gloves. And it's easier to kill people in Florida. For most of them, you just say, 'Boo!' One good thing, knowing O.J. is in Florida might keep a lot of Cubans from floating in."

"Viagra has different slogans in different countries:
England: 'Makes Ben Big Again'
France: 'Get an Eyeful of This Tower'
Saudi Arabia: 'Need Help Getting Your Tent Up?'"

"The National Rifle Association is opening a new theme restaurant in Times Square. The killer is the 3-day wait for service. There's already a restaurant in Times Square where the patrons all look like they have a gun in their pocket. It's called Hooters."

"McDonald's is opening a completely automated restaurant. No people at all. I hate to lose that home-cooked feeling. And how do the robots feel? How stupid a robot do you have to be if the only place you can get a job is McDonald's?"

"Tonya Harding has been sentenced to a little time in jail, where she hopes to make a set of license plates for her house. She's just upset that she'll miss the Dukes of Hazzard tv movie. Tonya hit her boyfriend in the face with a hubcap—or as coach Bobby Knight calls it, 'motivational speaking.' Tonya also has to spend 10 days picking up trash along the highway—or as she calls it, 'dating.'"

"Did you watch the Jesus mini-series? The book was so much better. There was a lot of cross-promotion—like where Jesus walks down the street and runs into Russell Crowe from Gladiator."

"I think it's great that Stallone is filming Rocky VI. Anything to keep him from making Judge Dredd II."

"Cannes is also hosting a porno film festival. One star was accused of acting her way to the top."

"Kathie Lee Gifford's new CD debuted at 163 on the charts, three behind 'CD Cleaner.' Did you see she was given a special award for leaving daytime television?"

"The average man has 12 sex partners in his lifetime: Miss January, Miss February ..."

Guest Harlan Wilson on Great Britain: "God shave the Queen."

Guest Angela Ramos: "I wrestled in high school."
Jay: "Backseat of a car doesn't count."

Jay did a take-off on Antique Road Show called White Trash Road Show. One lady said of her necklace, "I wore it at both my weddings, and then at my sweet 16 party." A man revealed, "My sister gave me this t-shirt when we got married."

Monday Night Headlines:
"County Workers Want Crack at Government Jobs"
Ad for "Kraft Velveeta Juice"
"Robber's name on hardhat leads to his arrest."
Ad for "Loaf of Panty Bread"
"We apologize for any incontinence this may have caused our patrons."
"Man robbing bank suddenly realizes the teller is his sister-in-law."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Assless Pants: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now The Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. In a related story, the international symbol for No Smoking has announced it would like to be known as Kevin."

Correspondent Frank DeCaro: "Out at Center Stage: Turn your head and Baryshnikov. This movie is set in the swan-eat-swan world of ballet. Only one guy is gay, making it the biggest science-fiction movie to open last weekend."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Matthew Perry was involved in a car crash. I thought Friends didn't let Friends drive drunk. The driver of the other car was Halle Berry. Even the jaws of life were unable to extract Perry's wallet from his vehicle."

"For the Pope's birthday today the priests played 'Squeeze the Tail on the Altar Boy.'"

"After that trouble at a Chicago baseball game, the drunken rioters got together to go Oprah-tipping."

"Vermont and Hawaii, besides being the only two states to allow gay marriages, also have the thinnest men. Other states explain this with the 'How often do you see a fat gay guy?' theory."

"The Treasury has issued new $5 and $10 bills—or as Bill Gates calls them, kindling."

"Craig Kilborn, Whale Proctologist: OK, Shamu, bend over and spread 'em."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Pavarotti fell on-stage at the Metropolitan Opera—which now has two orchestra pits."


Week ending June 2, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Anne Heche is 31 today. That's 210 in lesbian years."

"That National Rifle Association theme restaurant in Times Square is offering 10% off your steak if you can locate the exit wound. The other special is chicken on a deathbed of rice."

"O.J. Simpson was in a hotel fight with his new girlfriend (now there's a good gig). O.J. calls room service: 'Send up an alibi.' The police gave O.J. a brochure on domestic violence. That's the way to do it. When you're dealing with a homicidal maniac, get him to read a strongly worded pamphlet. There are three stages of being an O.J. girlfriend. 1) Romantic weekends. 2) Violent arguments. 3) Sadly, there is no stage three."

"For Memorial Day, Mom and I are going to the beach with the metal detector."

Top 10 Signs You've Rented a Bad Summer House:
8. "Key" you receive in the mail looks suspiciously like a large crowbar.
5. In rental agreement, word "bathroom" always in quotation marks.
3. Lease states that the landlord gets to bathe you.

Top 10 Items on the Country Music Singer Application:
10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong.
9. Ever nailed a Judd?
7. Spell "dagnabbit."
6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: "George Strait" or "Dixie Chicks"?
3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead, which Statler Brother would it be?
2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with "truck."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Did you see that new inflatable toilet? It's called the Puff Doody."

"A death row inmate in Texas is in trouble for selling tickets on Ebay to his own execution. But what can they do to him? Death plus six months?"

"A Pennsylvania microbrewery is making ice cream beer, so if you want to be fat and drunk ... Ben & Jerry are making Drunky Monkey."

"The motto of the new NRA theme restaurant is, 'You can have our chicken fingers when you can pry them from our cold dead hands.' One thing, they think their restaurant will attract a higher caliber customer. They're serving the Charlton Heston nut sundae and an armor-piercing burrito. It goes right through you—and leaves a bigger hole on the way out."

"Nineteen Dodgers were suspended for biting and choking in that melee with fans. Or as O.J. calls it, a date. You heard about that hotel fight O.J. got into with his new girlfriend? O.J. says she attacked him. She says she was out in the back yard hitting gold balls."

"Scientists say there are over 200,000,000 sex acts on Earth every day. Sad thing, not one on Kevin [bandleader Kevin Eubanks]."

"Castrated men live 13 years longer. So maybe something good will come out of the Frank Gifford thing."

"Little Elian Gonzalez is still living on that luxurious estate. We haven't seen a Communist live this well since Jane Fonda married Ted Turner."

"Remember that mile-high club in San Diego, where they take you up so you can have sex in a plane? The movie is a tape of the last passengers. The flight costs $500. That's not bad when you consider it lets the average citizen see what it's like to fly on Air Force One. Speaking of which, President Clinton was criticized for not wearing his seat belt on Air Force One. It's not the first time he's gotten in trouble for being unbuckled."

"Gas is so expensive these days that in the Indy 500, the top three drivers are car-pooling."

"The ruby slippers from Wizard of Oz sold for $660,000 on Ebay. I bought a pair once, but they turned out to be Jack Ruby slippers."

"Baseball bigot John Rocker is spending the weekend on his ranch, the Triple-K."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Charles in Charge: The NRA elected Charlton Heston to an unprecedented third term as president. They also announced they're opening a 'family-oriented' theme restaurant in Times Square 'to show the good side of guns.' That would be the back side. In front, it's awful."

"No Holes Bard: There's an all-female nude version of Macbeth, which is Much Ado About Wearing Nothing. It gives theater-goers a great big Bard-on."

"James Addiction: Some Western buffs insist Jesse James was not killed in the late 1800's, but lived to 104, and terrorized children by holding them up with an enema nozzle."

"Suck Fest: A Dracula convention is an event designed to draw tourists to Transylvania—where, of course, the locals will kill them and suck out all their blood."

"A vegetarian woman threw a tofu pie at the Secretary of Agriculture, crying, 'Shame on you, Dan Glickman, you meat pimp!' She was referring, of course, to the 1992 incident in which Glickman bitch-slapped a pork chop."

"Al Gore's speech was described as electrifying, as in making you want to climb into a bathtub and pull in a space heater."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Britney Spears' new album sold more copies this week than all the other Top 10 albums combined. Britney said she can produce a #1 album with one implant tied behind her back."

"Two teenage boys who subscribe to a skateboard magazine got an s&m magazine instead, and they're suing for $2,000,000 for emotional damages. But they'll settle for a lifetime subscription to the s&m magazine."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"It's Anne Heche's birthday, and it's really hard picking a gift for her. Do you go for Duracell or Eveready?"

"A single Democratic fundraiser raked in $26,000,000. Most of that was one man who gave $20,000,000 if Robin Williams would just shut up."

"O.J. Simpson got beaten up by his girlfriend this week. O.J.'s not so tough without his big knife, is he?"

"That Filipino hijacker who fell to his death didn't decide to jump out of the plane until he learned the inflight movie was Battlefield Earth."

"Dorothy's ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz were auctioned off for $660,000 this week. The buyer put them on, clicked his heels and said, 'There's no place like bankruptcy court.'"

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Bill Clinton may be disbarred in Arkansas. Well, he can't practice law, but at least he can still play doctor."

"I just hang out at the Playboy mansion for the articles."


Week ending June 9, 2000

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Who ever thought Microsoft would break up, while the Clintons would still be together?"

"Apparently 11,000 people a year are injured in sex acts that go horribly wrong. So stay away from any 'toys' that require a car battery; never use a condom that clamps on; and, whatever you do, don't get caught between Siegfried and Roy."

"O.J. wants to take a lie detector test on pay-per-view. If I'd pay to see O.J. wired up to a machine, it'd better have a lot more juice than a lie detector machine."

"Now O.J. wants to chat online, because people 'don't know the facts of his case.' Luckily for him, 12 of them were on the jury."

"John Rocker was sent to the minors. He'll be playing Triple-K ball."

"Today a sex offender made an escape from a prison yard in a helicopter." Clip of President Clinton boarding a helicopter.

"Father's Day is coming up. Madonna has rented out the Staples Center."

"Jennifer Lopez says the secret of her sexiness is her feet and her pretty shoes. How many guys even knew she had feet?"

"His Tennessee tenant says Al Gore is a slumlord. He really is becoming a Republican."

"They're going to be filming Pretty Woman 2. Now Julia Roberts has so much money she rents Richard Gere for a week."

"And George W. Bush says he'll be meeting with a think tank. I'd advise him to stay in the shallow end."

"Did you see the NBA finals? The game was so close a Lakers fan actually put down his cell phone."

"John Rocker was sent down to the minor leagues after threatening a Sports Illustrated reporter. Rocker's lucky they didn't send him to the minority leagues."

"Polls show a dead heat in the race between Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio. Hillary is doing well with young Jewish women. Not as well as her husband did ..."

"That new CBS show Survivor is already coming out with a Celebrity Edition.They drop the celebrities on Rodeo Drive with only one credit card with a $500 limit. NBC is starting its own Survivor show. The contestants try to live as Al Gore's tenants."

"That Filipino hijacker jumped out of the plane with a homemade parachute. That's like an amateur vasectomy."

Guest Terry Bradshaw told Jay he was getting a Father of the Year award. Jay: "I'd be interested to see who the runner-ups were." Later Terry complained, "Jay, all my misfortunes tickle you."

Monday Night Headlines:
"Kitchen table: sleeps 8, possibly 10."
"Camera Captures a Mamory"
"Assfault Rollers"

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"In Survivor a bunch of people are stranded on a remote island. I avoided watching the show simply by using my remote. Survivor is on CBS, but it's not just for old people. It's for old people of all ages."

"F. Lee Bailey says O.J. failed his lie detector test miserably. To be fair, O.J. only completed half the test. Then he had to go hide the murder weapon."

"It was raining so hard in New York today Mayor Giuliani and his girlfriend had to humiliate his wife indoors."

"Friday I begin jury duty. It should be a snap. You can tell if somebody's guilty just by looking at them. Justice will be flying out of that courtroom."

"Whew, I was almost late tonight . I was at a Whitney Houston intervention."

"Indiana will be playing the Lakers, who have that Kareem Shaquille O'Neal."

"In the past month police have installed 3,000 security cameras in the subways. So far, 3,000 security cameras have been stolen."

"New York now has 200 new portable toilets. They're yellow, have four wheels and a driver with a weird name."

Skeletons in Celebrity Closets:

Regis Philbin: Last week a guy said "Final answer?" and Regis drowned him in the Hudson.
Al Gore: He destroyed millions of trees to write environmental books no one reads.
Rick Lazio: Even he has no idea who Rick Lazio is.
George Bush: Recently gave $1,000 to the Gore campaign.
Dear Abby: 98% of the people who write her get a letter, "Stop bothering me, you whiny sack of manure."
Marilyn Manson: Knows every word to every 'Nsync song.
Warren Beatty: Never gets any.
Mr. Rogers: Every day at 5 goes to an Irish bar looking for a fistfight.
Bob Villa: The new addition on his house is insulated with dead hitchhikers.
Dick Clark: Accidentally said '1966' on New Years Eve 1965. We've been a year off ever since.
"Me, Dave Letterman: I have a show on CBS."

Guest Tom Dreesen said Frank Sinatra once asked a parking attendant about the biggest tip he'd ever gotten and was told $100, so he tipped the guy $200. Then he asked, "Who gave you the $100?" and was told, "You did, last week."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Hot Lisbon Action: President Clinton began his European tour in Portugal ..."

"The Geiger Sanction: Chernobyl nuclear power plant is closing. Safety was job number 8."

"Surf of a Nation: The man who has declared a man-made island off Great Britain a separate nation says, 'I like to be able to poop off the side of my own country."

"Cock Ring: Police broke up a cockfighting ring in the Bronx, confiscating hundreds of bloody cocks. 'The first rule of Cock Club is you do not cluck about Cock Club.'"

"The judge ruled that 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez cannot request asylum on his own, but must ask through a relative, or at least a member of the Miami Sound Machine."

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Giuliani: The Mayor of New York ..."

"The title of the new series Survivor refers to anyone who can sit through a night of CBS programming."

"Tom Cruise explodes in the new Mission Impossible 2. Here's Frank DeCaro to sift through the wreckage."

Correspondent Dave Attell: "The only truly romantic drug is alcohol. There's nothing like rolling your lady over so she won't choke on her own vomit."

Guests Penn & Teller: "Jimi Hendrix really said, 'Excuse me while I kiss this guy.'"

Other Segment Titles:
"Belmont Steaks" - racing cows
"The Dredge Report" - Roman ruins underwater near Alexandria

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"A New York judge ruled a photographer has the right to snap dozens of naked people under a bridge. First police had to clear out the dozens of naked people who actually live there."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Bill Gates is so depressed over the adverse court decision that he says he feels like a million bucks. He's naming the two new companies 'Judges' and 'Suck'."

"A New Jersey stripper is suing a plastic surgeon for putting breast implants in her butt. Her name? Britney Lopez."

"Linda Tripp says that now her legal troubles are cleared up, she's going to speak out more. Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"Today 150 naked people posed for a photo in New York. And 7 of them were Al Roker."

"In homosexual news the Tony Awards were hosted by Rosie O'Donnell and Nathan Lane."

"One company has installed a third restroom for a transsexual employee. The employee leaves the toilet seat halfway up."

"In Ray Lewis' plea bargain in the double murder case he agreed never to murder anyone again. Lewis came home and found Kato Kaolin sleeping on his couch."

"Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker has been burning the cross at both ends."

"Sexual tension is that special feeling a young man gets when he sees a Burt Lancaster movie."

A segment entitled "Craig Kilborn, Rest Home Prostitute."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Mexican politicians are now trying to attract female voters by using male strippers. Not only are the men stripped, they're up on blocks."

 

Week ending June 16, 2000

Late Night Quip of the Week:
"Celine Dion is pregnant. She's now starving for two. The doctor told her the damage to the baby from smoking and drinking was nothing compared to the damage from singing to the child." Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"I go on jury duty Friday. And I'm telling you right now, I want to be tampered with."

"My jury duty's over with. I reported Friday morning and was out of there by noon. We sent a couple of guys to the chair. A job well done, and I was gone."

"That Survivor show? I heard they all got the clap. What a show. A dozen mutants stuck on an island. Next week Rudy, the ex-Navy Seal, reveals he's really a woman trapped in a man's body. In a tougher spin-off, a group of people will try to survive a day in Central Park."

"On their home court my Indiana Pacers won the third game of the NBA Finals. You know why they lost the first two games in L.A.? They were dazzled by the beauty of Miss Dyan Cannon. But once they got home and had a good home-cooked meal of deep-fried lard cakes ... If the Lakers are smart, they'll fly Miss Dayan Cannon in from L.A."

"Gas is so expensive, this year for the first time Mom is going to have to hitchhike to Graceland."

"It's not just Microsoft. A federal judge also is going to break up Regis Philbin. And Ben & Jerry. I went into Ben and had a cone."

"O.J. says he'll take a lie detector test for $3 million. If he passes, he keeps the $3 million. If he fails, he kills a guy."

"I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock. The weekend was hell for me in Connecticut. Other than a circus, what don't you want to have set up around the corner from you on a 95-degree day with no breeze? That's right, a rodeo. And then when you do get a little breeze ... 'Coming out of chute #2, Widowmaker.'"

"Al Gore came out with his zippy new campaign slogan: 'Peace & Prosperity.' That's the slogan from the 1939 World's Fair."

"Don King rode in New York's Puerto Rican Day Parade. Naturally. Unfortunately, his hair hit a power line."

Guest Roger Ebert on President Clinton's appearance on his program: "The President said the screening room was the best perk in the White House." Dave: "Uh huh."

"Hey, did you hear? The hookers in Times Square are giving airline miles."

"The New Jersey Devils won the Stanley Cup. When New York won, they got a parade down the Canyon of Heroes. The Devils got to circle the parking lot at Meadowlands."

"Hillary Clinton, the one in the stable marriage, is running against Rick Lazio. No one's ever heard of him, but he has a message for the voters: 'Hi, this is Rick. I'm not in at the moment ...'"

"Gas is so high, I went into a service station, and the guy said for 20 bucks all he could do was stick an air hose up my pants. Gas is so expensive guys are cruising for hookers on the bus."

"Roseanne says she's posing nude for Playboy. She's at Playboy right now getting her first coat of primer."

"It's high school prom season here in New York. The hardest part for the kids is how to rent a white tux that doesn't show a holster bulge."

Guest Martin Lawrence was telling about his near-death experience: "I had a temperature of 106. When I opened my eyes, the hospital people said, 'We can't believe you woke up. Here's your bill.'"

Stagehand Biff Henderson reported from the NBA Finals in L.A. Biff interviewed a woman, pretending he thought she was Dennis Rodman.

Calista Flockhart, currently starring off-Broadway in The Vagina Monologues: "We talk a lot about vaginas."
Dave: "That's how I spent college."

Dave asked Heath Ledger, who plays Mel Gibson's son in The Patriot, "I heard you got injured making the movie."
Heath: "I had three stitches in my little finger."
Dave: "I had open heart surgery."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Los Alamos Nuclear Lab, otherwise known as 'Chinese take-out'. Security was so lax people didn't even have to sign in. Even at Blockbuster you have to show your card."

"Marijuana was found at Buckingham Palace." (Clip of a Queen Elizabeth look-alike buying munchies at a convenience store)

"The Indiana Pacers got stuck in traffic and arrived at the NBA playoffs mere minutes before the game; so tonight they're demanding a police escort. The way they played the first game, they need a police escort to the basket. If the Lakers win, the Governor of California gets free tickets to the Indy 500. If the Pacers win, the Governor of Indiana gets free breast implants."

"San Francisco Quarterback Steve Young retired after four concussions. I think that was wise. One more, and he could have ended up a Reform Party candidate."

"Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. Joey has voted her off the island. It's a good thing. She needs that guy like another hole in the head. Now that her marriage to a lying cheat is over, she's going to run for Senator from New York. She's not dating yet though. She's still gun-shy."

"A 59-year-old man was arrested in North Carolina for having sex with a pig. What's worse, while it was happening, he was fantasizing about a duck. And the pig was underage. I've heard of pigs in a blanket. He would have gotten away with it, but the pig squealed."

"The Mafia has been selling phony stocks. 'Summer's Eve Viniagrette Salad Dressing?' People should have known it wasn't real."

"The American Film Institute picked the funniest clip of all time. Let's show it." (Clip of President Clinton saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman.")

"It was 105 in L.A. today. Folks were sweating like Shaq at the free throw line. It was so hot I saw two dogs pretending to have sex so somebody would turn the hose on them. The heat led to a huge power outage in Detroit. It was so dark the Tigers couldn't even see who was beating them."

"Beaver College in Philadelphia is changing its name to stop all the jokes. Its new name is 'T&A Academy.'"

"Monica Lewinsky is now coming out with her own perfume. It only attracts married men. It comes in a squirt bottle. Wouldn't mouthwash have been more appropriate?"

"Assad of Syria passed away. Now the country will be ruled by his son, George W. Assad. And George W. Bush is really upset at the death. He'd just memorized Assad's name."

"John Rocker is talking about quitting baseball. He may work for Merrill Lynch. It's the Lynch part he likes."

"On Survivor they leave the island one at a time until no one's left. It's sort of like the audience at a Madonna movie. They voted Richard Simmons off the island, and he isn't even a contestant."

"An asteroid could hit Earth in 2022. But actually you have a greater chance of being hit by Matthew Perry's car."

"The judge ordered Microsoft to be split. Bill Gates said, 'Fine. I'll just buy the other company.'"

"It was so hot today people were sweating like Al Gore at a landlord/tenant meeting."

"George W. says he'll be meeting with a think tank. Let's hope there's a lifeguard on duty."

"Sharon Stone had her maid arrested for stealing. That must be what happened to her panties in Basic Instinct."

"O.J. called Fox news screaming at Nicole's sister, Denise Brown, saying she was living off welfare and trying to get all his money. She called him a pig and a double murderer. He said, 'I am not a pig.' O.J. called from Florida where he lives now. He's a retired double murderer. He placed the call on the friends-and-what's-left-of-my-family plan."

"Mike Myers is being sued by Universal. He refused to make the movie he owed them because he said the script was bad. Kevin Costner said, 'You can do that?'"

"Gas prices are so high in Chicago cab drivers are taking the real way to the airport."

"Jennifer Lopez said the secret of her sexiness was her feet and her pretty shoes. A guy checks out your shoes, he just checked out your boyfriend."

"A 75-year-old grandmother was arrested for sellling crack. The worst part, she was cutting it with Gold Bond Medicated Powder. You should have heard her talking to the other dealers. 'Hah, when I was your age we had to walk to Bogata.'"

Monday Night Headlines:
Car ad for "Demenstration Model." Jay: "This is for women buyers. Great end-of-month savings."
Ad for "Full Ho Chinese Restaurant"
Ad for "Fook Yue Seafood Restaurant"
Ad for "International Geek Food Festival"
Real estate ad for a 200-year-old house: "Homes like this never last long."
Travel ad for "8 Days/5 Nights in Paradise"
Ad: "Internet addiction treated online."
Directions on a prescription: "Insert 1 suppository per rectum."
Jay read a story about a woman robber who gave a laundromat attendant a $20 bill to get change, and when the attendant opened the cash register, pulled a knife, grabbed the money and ran. There was only a $10 and a $5 in the till. The robber lost $5 on the deal.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Korea Counseling: North and South Korea are talking reunification. Japan is saying, 'Like, I knew you two would get back together."

"E Street Banned: Police are upset at Bruce Springsteen's song '41 Shots,'about an unarmed man shot 41 times when police mistook his wallet for a gun and his body for a tin can on a fence. New York's Police Commissioner wasn't too upset. He said, 'Springsteen's song is bad, but not plungerably bad.'"

"The Shore Thing: Survivor has spawned a similar show for elderly contestants. It's called Ice Floe." (Photo of elderly Eskimo being sent out to sea to die)

"Pat Buchanan has picked Dr. Laura as a possible running mate, but he's not so much anti-gay as pro-harpy."

Correspondent Steve Carell as Martha Stewart: "I'm a bitter middle-aged woman with issues."

Jon: "I went four years to William and Mary."
Steve Carell: "I'm sure they're both very proud of you."

Al Greenwood, "The Bedspread King"' a testy elderly man in crown and royal robes, did a segment called "Wrinkled Nuts."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Beaver College is changing its name. The football team will still be The Fighting Vaginas."

"ABC is souping up Who Wants to Be a Millionaire to compete with Survivor. Now, whenever a contestant gets a question right, Regis has to eat a bug."

"Burglars broke into Madonna's house in London, but they got away before she could get a look at their sperm counts."

"Posh Spice had a suitcase stolen. It contained the tapes for her next album. So now the world has a terrorist capable of wreaking mass destruction."

"Andre Agassi and Stefi Graf will marry, as long as she promises never to do a show called Suddenly Stefi."

"Sinead O'Connor revealed she's a lesbian. This really shocked the guy who gives her her weekly crew cut."

"Porno pictures accidentally got included in a Barney kids' book. The pictures were also of something large and purple."

"A mobile van in New York is giving free prostate exams. I'm not sure it's legitimate. The van has shag carpeting."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Here are some lines that would have made the movie Titanic even better:
1. 'That's what I call a wet t-shirt contest!'
2. 'An iceberg just hit Celine Dion.'"

"Survivor beat Millionaire in the ratings, proving that Americans would rather eat bugs than spend an hour with Regis."

"In L.A. no one showed up for the Gay Pride Parade. They were all at the 'NSync concert, where 'NSync didn't show up. They were all at the Gay Pride Parade."

"There was a long line to buy Ricky Martin tickets. Or, as we call it, the Gay Pride Parade."

"A fat woman is suing Southwest Airlines for forcing her to buy two seats. The good news, one of her ass cheeks was upgraded to first class."

"Beaver College in Pennsylvania is changing its name. Possible new names are 'University of Pennsylvania at Vulva,' 'Barbara Bush U' and 'College of the Southern Regions.'"

(Photo of Continental plane with its nose plunged through terminal) "Terminal 3 at Newark lost its virginity today. The accident happened because one passenger's seat wasn't in the upright and locked position."

"Did you see the American Film Institute named the funniest film of the last 100 years? Battleship Earth."

"On this day in 1775 the U.S Army was founded. And Bob Hope first entertained the troops."

"Crayons turn out to have had asbestos in them. Kids could draw a house, but not a house on fire."

"The New Jersey Devils have won the Stanley Cup. Now can we give New Jersey to Canada?" 

"The British Queen Mum just had a birthday. I'm not saying she's old, but she still owes Jesus a shekel."

"Sinead O'Connor's a lesbian. Sinead a lesbian? Oh, that's right; she's a girl."

"Dr. Ian Whitney, cloning pioneer, died today. He's survived by Dr. Ian Whitney, Dr. Ian Whitney and Dr. Ian Whitney."

Guest Cybill Shepherd on her affair with Elvis Presley: "There was one thing Elvis wouldn't eat until he met me."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Los Alamos lost more classified nuclear information. Today our only military secrets are which soldiers are gay."

"One out of five teenagers on the internet has been approached by a stranger for sex. Most were other teenagers, but some were adults: "I need to be with someone now. The government just split up my company.'"


Week ending June 23, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

During "Stupid Pet Tricks," Dave leaned over a dog while accidentally stepping on its tail. The dog jumped up and ran a testy fang through Dave's lower lip. On Monday Dave reported: "Friday night I had my face bit off by a dingo. Then Saturday in the yard ..." [Clip of a stag attacking a man]

"Do you have Survivor fever? Last night they voted Rudy off the island for using his loincloth as a coffee filter. And Ramona started dating Dork for his rat."

"Rioting, looting, setting cars on fire. What if the Lakers had lost? An unruly mob turned over Jack Nicholson. It was the wildest night in basketball since Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra."

"It's the first day of summer, and New York cabdrivers are wearing lemon-scented turbans. And in L.A. the police have switched to short-sleeve riot gear."

"Al Gore is off on his Progress and Prosperity tour. Hope the slogan works for him better than it did for Wendell Wilkie."

After several women were attacked in broad daylight in Central Park: "The hansom cabs now have a guy riding shotgun. Save your money. I'll grope you here. A woman would almost stand a better chance walking through the Oval Office."

"Me and Mom are going to go this weekend to watch Shaft kick Whitey's ass. Clinton's a film buff. He got a group of interns together in the Oval Office and showed them the original Shaft."

"Today's the anniversary of the release of Psycho. That film had an enormous impact. To this day New York City cabdrivers won't take showers."

"They've come out with fireproof cigarettes. If you don't suck on it, the flame dies. That's also how you describe a Clinton relationship."

"Al Gore has a new campaign manager, who's come up with a new approach [said as the theme from Shaft plays] 'Who the man?' 'Gore.' "Can you dig it?'"

"CBS is trying to hire Barbara Walters. That'll bring in the young audience."

"Dads are lined up in Macy's today, exchanging those crappy Regis Philbin shirts. For Father's Day Dad doesn't want a tie or Old Spice. Dad wants his own intern."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Engaged women have sex 2.9 times a week. And the .9 is really frustrating."

"The Lakers' riots caused millions of dollars in damages—because many of the cars set on fire had full tanks of gas. It was a very California riot. The police used only fresh-ground pepper spray. George W. called for the death penalty for all Lakers fans. When Tiger Woods wins, golf fans don't set golf carts on fire. Oh, maybe a few of them tear the little alligators off their shirts."

"The Queen has had to tell Prince Charles and Camilla not to make so much noise during sex. Once his ears start flapping ..."

"If any CBS show should be called Survivor, it's 60 Minutes. Did you see the picky guy this week? He'd only eat free range rat."

"Cosmopolitan Magazine ran 'Hot Couples' Card Games.' Kevin [Jay's bandleader] took a card and played solitaire. They also had 'Missionary Position Impossible' and 'The Perfect Shaft.'"

"Did you see George W.'s plan to save Social Security? He wants to just execute everybody before they're old enough to collect."

"Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. Even after getting shot in the head by his teenage girlfriend, Mary Jo says she still has a soft spot in her heart for Joey. And a soft spot in her head, of course."

"Strippers were being used to smuggle drugs. Where were they hiding it? Maybe that's why they call it crack."

"The Ramseys are selling their three-story house. There's Patsy's story, John's story and the police's story."

"Beaver College in Philadelphia is changing its name because Bill Clinton wants to use it for his Presidential Library. Imagine if you're a kid from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, going to Beaver College."

"New York Country clubs don't want Bill Clinton as a member. One reason is security. The other is they don't know where his putter's been."

"Viagra has come out with a new warning. If you become nauseous, you should call your doctor. If you become nauseous, maybe you're on the wrong person."

"A 59-year-old man in North Carolina was arrested for having sex with his pet pig. I've heard of a pig in a poke, but poking a pig? The pig worked in a brothel, the Oink and Boink. A friend brought the guy a canned ham in jail. He thought it was a conjugal visit."

"Los Alamos Nuclear Lab is about as secure as Bill Clinton's zipper. You know, they ought to chain those hard drives to big blocks of wood like gas stations do their restroom keys."

"North and South Korea's Presidents met. Let's watch the clip." (Clip of the two leaders with the soundtrack going, "Whaazupp?"

"To celebrate the anniversary of the invention of sandpaper, K-Mart is offering half off on their house-brand toilet paper."

"Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. Your young girlfriend comes over and shoots your wife in the head. It's Frank Gifford's dream."

"And O.J. split up with his new girlfriend. It's not official yet, because she's still alive."

"Arnold's filming Terminator 3, but you can tell he's getting old. Instead of 'I'll be back,' it's 'Ow, my back!'"

"They're recommending herbal tea for PMS. I think it would take a little black tar heroine."

"The guy who was hired to light a fire under Al Gore's butt had to quit because of an inflamed colon."

"Janet Reno wants to split Bill Gates into two smaller billionaires."

"A heavyset woman is suing Southwest Airlines for making her pay for two seats. Also because her lunch wouldn't fit into the overhead compartment."

Monday Night Headlines:
"Officials put foot down on dog waste"
"Diana Ross and 2 women who claim to be the Supremes will appear June 21."
"Save the whales trip cut short after boat rams whale."
"Council limits sex offenders to one per household."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Hose Job: Gas prices hit an all-time high. Ever wonder what a gas nozzle might feel like if someone forcibly inserted it into your rectum? People are paying more for gasoline than for crack."

"Dalai Meets a Cracker: The Dalai Lama met with Sen. Jesse Helms in D.C. The Dalai Lama had to start out slow with Jesse: 'All right, what's the sound of two hands clapping?'"

"DOS & Found: At Los Alamos the hard drive with nuclear secrets was found behind the copier machine. Toner was still dangerously low. They found a Xerox of the butt of the miscreant on the copy machine."

"Barely Regal: Prince William turns 18. Now can he get a lap dance? Buckingham Palace has released a video showing William learning to make paella. This skill will come in handy if he's ever kidnapped by gay Spaniards." 

"Artsy Farsi: Non-government Iranian tv is now being offered worldwide. The Iranian government gave it two enthusiastic thumbs off."

"Cash Gordon: Businessman Dennis Tito is paying to vacation on the MIR space craft, evidently because he enjoys constant vomiting and muscle loss."

"I watched 1900 House on PBS, and Wilamina's corset was exceedingly tight. Let's hope next week she churns butter."

Guest Julie Brown was described as being in a "Zsa-Zsa-on-crack outfit."

Correspondent Nancy Wall: "A blissful Celine Dion (is there any other kind?) announced she's pregnant by her father, excuse me, husband."

There was a clip showing an elephant sitting on its trainer, with the trainer's head disappearing up its rectum.

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Madonna bought a $16,000,000 high-security mansion in London. There'll be a man stationed at every entrance. Just like on Madonna."

"John Rocker says he'll ride the subway to Shea Stadium. Then he'll ride in several ambulances to several hospitals."

"The Pope has put out a new CD with Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez. It's called 'Boobs As Big As My Hat.'"

"Tiger Woods got a congratulatory call from President Clinton, who invited Tiger to join him in a foursome. And maybe play golf sometime."

"A judge ordered Axl Rose's stalker to quit living in the '80s."

"The Feds knew the Mafia was operating on Wall Street when the New York Stock Exchange opening bell was replaced by a guy yelling, 'Budabing!'"

"Roseanne is doing a nude pictorial for Playboy. The idea came from the publishers of Penthouse."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"The Leaning Tower of Pisa has been shored up with steel reinforcements and a thousand pounds of Viagra."

"Prince William is now 18 years old—or as Elton John calls it, 'legal.'"

"The summer solstice is the longest day of the year—unless you count the Oscars."

"North and South Korea plan to reunite for one night only in Central Park."

"Fidel Castro has just been voted off the island. Kidding."

Guest Martin Mull: "When I heard the Lakers won, I went out to the garage and set fire to my car."

To straight transvestite comedian Eddie Izzard: "Are you gay, or are you just British?"
Eddie: "I'm a male lesbian."
Craig: "And you wear women's clothes?"
Eddie: "They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes. I bought them."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"The Lakers won and celebrated with a riot. It was the ugliest basketball incident since Magic Johnson got a talk show."

"Prince William just turned 18, so he sat Prince Charles down for that talk: 'Why did you cheat on my Mom with a woman who looks like a saddle?'"

"Hawaii's has become the first state legislature to approve medical marijuana. Critics say it's a blatant attempt to attract Whitney Houston."

"A radio station got into trouble for airing an interview with a fake Britney Spears. They knew she was a fake because she had real breasts."

"Los Alamos lost those hard drives. George W. Bush says he's never even lost his keys. He's had them taken away from him a number of times ..."

"A man in Iran had a sex change, and now he wants it reversed. As a woman he can't work or even go out in public alone. However, riding a camel is now way more comfortable."

"A man in Florida killed his dog because it was gay. Not only would it mount other male dogs, when he sent it out to fetch the paper, it brought back The Village Voice."

 

Week ending June 30, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"On Survivor Greg just got voted off Colleen. For a long time here on CBS I was the only one getting screwed."

"New York just had a 6-hour Gay Pride Parade. There were 200,000 people in the parade—a million if you count costume changes."

"George Michael is 37 today. He celebrated the way he does every year—alone."

"It must be summer. In Central Park I saw the ducks lined up for their tetanus shots. And the police are switching to seersucker body bags. It was so hot I saw a hot dog vendor fanning himself with a sheaf of health club violations. It was so hot Hillary Clinton seemed warm. In Central Park I saw a squirrel with hard-boiled nuts. It was so hot today Puff Daddy was sweating bullets instead of shooting them. It was so hot New Yorkers were going indoors to urinate. Callista Flockhart fell asleep on a waterbed and woke up al dente."

"New York, where the pie crust is tough and the Mayor is flaky."

"The Gay Pride Parade was this weekend. Hillary's opponent Rick Lazio didn't go. He said he had nothing to wear, and he feels fat. This is the only parade where afterwards the streets are actually cleaner."

"John Rocker says he'll ride the subway to Shea Stadium, proving he's as dumb as he seems. People are going to shove him and spit on him, and if they recognize him, it'll be even worse."

"Survivor is such a hit because everybody loves rat. And those rats were raised right here in the Ed Sullivan Theater. The real Survivor diary:
10:45 a.m.: Castaways talk Rudy out of wearing a thong.
11:30 a.m. : After learning there's $1,000,000 involved, Darva Conger shows up to marry the winner.
1:00 p.m.: Greg pretends he was bitten by a snake so Colleen will suck on him.
3:00 p.m.: Cast bumps into former President Richard M. Nixon, who faked his own death and has been living on the island ever since.
&:00 p.m.: Tribes come together for tequila-fueled sex-athon.
9:00 p.m.: George W. shows up. Everyone executed."

"Ralph Nader is the Green Party candidate. At last, a candidate with a little excitement."

"Last Friday my face was chewed off by a dingo [a dog on Stupid Pet Tricks bit him]. The dog has to get a shot."

"How many of you are going to vote for George W.? That's in spite of the fact he's dumb as a bag of tools. You know his slogan: 'Either you vote for George W. Bush, or he'll execute you.' You pull the voting lever, or he'll pull the switch. You'll take a ride on Old Sparky."

"The CBS Commissary has been cited for health code violations. 'For salmonella, botulism and e coli, the address is CBS.'"

Guest Eric Idle: "I'm very much against the news: 'Here are eleven more things to upset you. Film at 11.'"

Eric Idle: "Does every New Yorker wear women's clothing on the street?"
Dave: "That was the Gay Pride Parade."
Eric: "I guess I'm one to talk. Have you ever worn women's clothing?"
Dave: "What do you think I have on now?"

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"I don't think O.J. and his girlfriend really broke up. She's just playing hard-to-kill."

"The Tyson fight lasted 38 seconds. There'll be reruns tonight at 8:00, 8:01, 8:02, 8:03 ... Bowling pins take longer to fall over. The loser was signed for the Olympic diving competition. Tyson said of his next potential competition, 'I want to eat his children." Yeah, the antidepressants have really stabilized him."

"Britney Spears has written her autobiography. The title is What Do You Think of These? There's a new Britney Spears Museum in her native state of Louisiana." [Clip of a building that looks like two breasts]

"In Ohio an employee of Wendy's was arrested for selling drugs at the drive-thru. I wonder if he was as efficient as most of them: 'Hey, this is crack. I ordered black tar heroin.'"

"Now Sinead O'Conner says she's not a lesbian. Last week she said she was. In the lesbian community this has really started tongues wagging."

"They're going to shoot Indiana Jones 4. In this one Indy goes searching for a gentle laxative."

"Jennifer Lopez says she can count her lovers on one hand. George Michael says, 'I can too.'"

"Philip Morris is buying Nabisco. Oreos with nicotine will be really addictive."

"In a poll, 1 in 4 said they'd donate a kidney to a complete strange. Right, while 90% won't let a stranger merge in traffic."

"A word of warning to postal customers. Don't lick the new Jerry Garcia stamp."

"Mississippi has the nation's highest gonorrhea rate. It gives new meaning to 'Mississippi Burning.'"

"Jesse The Body Ventura may be on the running mate short list for Al The Dead Body Gore."

"Gas prices are so hight Monica Lewinsky has suddenly become enormously popular for her ability to siphon."

"It was so hot today the contestants on Survivor were eating ratcicles. They voted another woman off the island. I think these guys haven't thought it through."

"It was so hot today Martha Stewart had b.o. It was so hot Mike Tyson was eating Eskimo children."

"Well, it turns out there isn't enough evidence to prosecute Hillary Clinton. Though there is enough to execute her in Texas. George W.'s slogan is, 'I see dead people.' At least when Al Gore puts people to sleep they wake up after. Texas says, 'Death in about an hour.'"

"Did you see Al Gore's 'ice tea defense'? He says he drank so much ice tea that he was out of the room taking a pee and wasn't there for the questionable part of the meeting. With the Clinton administration it's always the same body part."

"Dennis Miller's going to be in the booth on Monday Night Football. Does that mean he gets to cheat on Kathie Lee Gifford now?"

"Today was Bring Your Dog to Work Day. At Los Alamos the security guys brought their seeing-eye dogs. Do dogs really need to see corporate life? Aren't they already used to sniffing butts?"

"Wouldn't it be funny if the Cubans kicked Elian off the island?"

Guest Bill Maher: "Clinton put a face on oral sex."

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad for "Corn Beer"
Story about a robber who pulled a gun at Burger King. The clerk said he couldn't open the cash register without a cash sale. The robber said, "All right, give me some onion rings." The clerk said he couldn't sell onion rings at breakfast, so the robber fled.
Photo of Fleet EneMan, the Fleet enema mascot.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"We put the rapport in reporting."

"In her relentless search for privacy Darva Conger poses nude for Playboy. Readers are torn between desire and revulsion."

"Gridirony: Dennis Miller is going to join Monday Night Football. Miller's competition included Rush Limbaugh, who was passed over in the eleventh hour, for comments he made in the first ten hours."

"Peter Jennings found Jesus but lost his wallet."

"Jimi Shelter: Seattle's Rock & Roll Museum opened to the Jimi Hendrix tune 'There Must Be Some Way Out of Here.' It's mind-boggingly ugly."

"Philip Morris to buy Nabisco: At last, a way to make cigarettes stay crisp in milk."

"Southern Discomfort: Once herds of Civil War reenactors wandered the country at will, but now all the battle sites are covered by strip malls. And how many porta-potties were used in the original Civil War?"

"Beat On Census: Census workers have been attacked by people they're trying to interview. No one knows how many."

Other Segment Titles:
"Wet It Be:" water discovered on Mars

"Train Dead: John Rocker says he'll ride the subway to Shea Stadium. Rocker says it's only in New York that fans yell, 'Hey, we did your mother. She's a whore.' He's obviously never played on Martha's Vineyard against George Plimpton. Our advice to Rocker: when you're stabbed, and you will be stabbed, don't pull the emergency cord. That will just delay the EMTs and allow the purple-haired homosexuals time to turn you gay. Also, the third rail is for peeing on."

"Survivor is the biggest tv sensation since Hazel." Survivor host Jeff Probst on whether he succumbed to diarrhea: "I got a little bit of the squirty bottom." Jon: "Next year make sure there are cannibals on the island. I find the series disturbing. Like, 'Gosh, I wish Lord of the Flies were real.'"

Guest Cheri Oteri: "When a man says he wants to meet a girl with a sense of humor he means one who will laugh at everything he says while her breasts jiggle."

Correspondent Stephen Colbert: "The movie The Patriot has the British gnashing their soft brown teeth."

Correspondent Steve Carell: "Scientists are trying to create a black hole. If they succeed, the entire galaxy will be sucked into Brookhaven, Long Island."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"By 2020 scientists will be able to implant an orgasm chip in the brain. The operation will take about two minutes for a man and much much longer for a woman."

"In the sequel to Basic Instinct Sharon Stone will cross and uncross her eyes."

"Tipper Gore says she doesn't read newspapers, leading George W. to exclaim, 'Doesn't she care what happens to Marmaduke?'"

"The Prune Board is changing the name from 'prunes' to 'dried plums.' And they have a new motto: "They're #1 for #2.'"

"Philip Morris has merged with Nabisco. Now Oreos will be made with a creamy menthol filling."

Guest Steven Wright: "You can't say 'midget' anymore, but the midgets aren't gone."
"I gave my niece what I thought was cotton candy, but turned out to be insulation on a stick."
"The New Testament is pretty old. They should call them the Old Testament and the More Recent Testament."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Britain's Queen Mum is turning 100. She said, 'A quick death would be absolutely wonderful."

"Seattle's new Rock & Roll Museum was inspired by Jimi Hendrix. The first patron to choke on his own vomit gets a free syringe."

"George Michael turned 37 today. A beautiful woman popped out of a cake and said, 'I must be at the wrong party.'"

"Shows you'd hate to see—Becker. Also, Two Guys, a Girl and a Grizzled Old Homophobe from Survivor."

"Scientists have completed the first human genome map. It's the greatest scientific discovery in history, if you don't count silicone breast implants."

"I have a crush on Roma Downey, Jr."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"They've mapped the entire human genome. But the bad news is that the audio version will be narrated by William Shatner."

"The Miranda ruling has been upheld. But when a cop is sticking a plunger up your ass, it's hard to remain silent."

"Cigars now have to carry a warning that they've been linked to cancer, heart disease and impeachment."

"There's Survivor mania. On the Playboy channel a guy just ate a Bunny."

"We're sending a billion dollars to Colombia to fight drugs. We want to stop them before they get to Whitney Houston."

 

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Books, CDs & DVDs Strange Finds Good &/or Funny

www.strangebillions.com/fun/

 

Amazon's Current Top Humor Books

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Amazon.com's Top Stand-Up Comic DVDs

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Strange Books

Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.

Click for free text of Visioning.

 

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.

What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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