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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night.

Strange's Last Night's Top 10 Late-Night Jokes
April 2011

late night hosts
 Click for Sue Trowbridge's Late-Night Lineups and Info.

Click for the funniest photos, videos and tweets of March.

I'll tweet you when the new jokes are posted: @strangedejim

April Strangies: Fallon 5, Kimmel 4, Ferguson 4, Letterman 4, O'Brien 2, Leno 1, Handler 1

Friday, April 29
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were new.)

10. Jimmy Fallon: Ten Delta baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. You could tell it was Delta, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.

9. Jay Leno: As you know, today Kate Middleton and Prince William officially changed the status on their Facebook pages. You know what she said to him just a few hours ago? "King me!"

8. Craig Ferguson: I'm so happy for Prince William and Kiki Wigglesworth.

7. Jimmy Fallon: After you saw the trouble Wills had putting the ring on Kate's finger are you kinda worried about how the wedding night's going to go?

6. David Letterman: The Royal Couple got married, and then they left in a horse-drawn carriage. You see what the price of gas has done? Then the carriage was returned to Jay Leno's garage.

5. Jay Leno: Kate's sister, the one holding the train, is also very pretty. Her name is Pippa, or as Prince William calls her, Plan B.

4. David Letterman: This weekend in Rome, the beatification of Pope John Paul II. Winning! He's a great guy, but what about Joy Philbin?

3. Craig Ferguson:  I loved the part in the wedding where he said, "I do," and then she said, "Ka-ching."

2. Craig Ferguson: It might take a while for William to become King, because the succession goes Prince Charles, then Conan O'Brien, but it might be Jay Leno, and then Prince William. It's going to be Leno.

1. David Letterman: Donald Trump says if he's elected President he'll be making the United States sign a prenup.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 55 - We made prisoners wear bright orange because we were terrified they'd get hurt in hunting accidents. Doormen dressed like mock admirals because wearing street clothing while opening the door for rich people wasn't demeaning enough. The upside of wearing promotional costumes was that no one else knew you were in them. The downside was, you knew it.

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Thursday, April 28
(O'Brien in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: To get more Americans to watch it, they're calling the wedding "The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace." I think the Queen's tired of the whole thing. [Showed clip of limos arriving for rehearsal at Westminster Abbey with the Queen mooning the crowd.]

9. Jay Leno: An elderly couple in Pennsylvania called police after UPS delivered a 5-pound brick of marijuana. The couple promptly turned over all 3 pounds, and the police checked the 1-pound brick into evidence.

8. Chelsea Handler: Diana Ross will become the mother of Michael Jackson's 3 kids after Michael's mother dies. I'm leaving Chuy to Cher. Panelist Fortune Feimster: This sounds like something Diana Ross agreed to back when they were filming "The Wiz," and she went, "Sure, like Michael's ever going to have kids." Panelist Ross Matthews: I always dreamed of marrying Diana Ross, and she'd either become Diana Ross-Matthews or I'd be Ross Ross.

7. Jimmy Fallon: A New Jersey town passed a law that limits the amount of time roosters can spend with chickens. Oh man, what a cock-block.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Kate Middleton won't become a Princess. It'll depend on the title the Queen gives William. If he becomes a Duke, she'll be a Duchess. If he becomes an Earl, she'll be a Countess, and if he becomes a Warlock, she'll be a Goddess.

5. Jay Leno: Today is my birthday, or as I call it the big four oh. We had a party this afternoon, but the occasion was marred when Letterman demanded to see my birth certificate.

4. Craig Ferguson: Jay Leno was born 61 years ago today. Well, his chin came out 2 days earlier. I even called Jay today to ask him what he wanted. He said [squeaky voice], "Whatever Conan has."

3. David Letterman: Jay Leno is 61 today. Jay, of course, one of the few tyrants still alive. His friends got him a cake, and he cut it with the same knife he stuck in Conan's back.

2.
Jimmy Kimmel: I'm so excited I'm Royal Wedding my pants.

1. Chelsea Handler: Elton John is having breast milk flown in from around the world for his baby. I don't know why Elton's breast milk isn't good enough.


The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010

Page 328 - Kimmel kept up the parody [of Jay Leno] for the entire show and was rewarded with comment all over the press and internet. The upheaval at NBC kicked up the level being paid to all the late-night shows. Web sites began carrying every monologue joke and other comedy bit devoted to the NBC debacle. No one benefited from the heightened interest more than Conan, however. Suddenly his numbers began to shoot up. ...

Online, as might be expected, given the discrepancy in age between the fans of the two comics, the pro-Conan movement was more like a power surge; Web comments ran heavily in his favor, and Twitter comments tipped to Conan over Jay by about fifty to one.

329 - For NBC, the fact that Conan also had a public forum to make his case -- one they were still paying for and broadcasting to the nation -- was another reason to seek resolution over confrontation.

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Wednesday, April 27
(O'Brien & Ferguson in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: There's a new singing show called "The Voice," but on this one the judges sit with their backs to the performers so they can only hear them. It's like "American Seeing-Eyedol."

9. Chelsea Handler: P. Diddy got a police escort, and Mayor Bloomberg is mad about it. Panelist Jen Kirkman: I think they had to give him a police escort because black guys can't get cabs in New York.

8. Jimmy Fallon: An elderly couple in Pennsylvania received a package from UPS with more than $20,000 of marijuana inside. That's why today they were like, "Dude, when we take our dentures out, do you think they like talk to each other?"

7. Jay Leno: Apple CEO Steve Jobs is furious at those people who are claiming the iPhone and IPad are tracking devices. He says, "We know who these people are; we know where they live ..."

6. Jay Leno: The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When he heard the news President Obama was speechless.

5. Chelsea Handler: Levi Johnston is writing a tell-all called "Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs." A tale of two idiots.

4. Chelsea Handler panelist T.J. Miller: If Donald Trump and Sarah Palin had a baby, that would be the one thing that could really scare Satan.

3. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan's going to the old gray-bar hotel for 120 days, but don't worry. They already have the Taliban guys digging her a tunnel.

2. Jay Leno: The good news, President Obama WAS born in America. The bad news, so was Donald Trump. And now Donald Trump is taking credit for making President Obama prove that everything Trump has been saying is a bunch of crap.

1. David Letterman: Security at the Royal Wedding is going to be tighter than the Queen's ass.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 3 - Johnny Carson was the single biggest money generator in television history. He was also the greatest individual star the medium had ever created.

7 - [At Carnegie Hall NBC affiliates event] "And so we're going to go into next May," Carson said, "and my last show is going to be May 22, 1992."

Though some NBC executives had been anticipating for some time that Carson would soon make the call to step down, he had not revealed to anybody at NBC his intentions to use the Carnegie Hall appearance to break the biggest television news in years. Nor had he told any of his "Tonight Show" staff. Only Alex Carson knew what Johnny was going to do before he left Los Angeles the night before. The guest of honor had decided to stage his own farewell surprise party -- and had pulled it off with his customary effortless mastery.

[Johnny went from Carnegie Hall to a surprise appearance on Letterman, where he again dropped the news of his retirement]  That evening, David Letterman had no calls from the management of NBC.

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Tuesday, April 26
(O'Brien & Ferguson in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: The very day Charlie Sheen announces he's losing a goddess, Katie Couric announces she's leaving the CBS News. Coincidence?

8. Jay Leno: President Obama's approval rating has dropped to 41%. People say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat.

7. Jay Leno: A federal judge has ordered the NFL to end its lockout, paving the way for getting the teams back out on the field. Fans of the Detroit Lions say they will go to court to fight this.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: The Royal wedding is Friday. We're only 72 hours from a YouTube video of Prince Charles doing the macarena. What's fun when people mention the wedding is to say, "A friend of mine slept with Kate Middleton about a year before she met the Prince."

5. Jay Leno: Charlie Sheen got a police escort to his stand-up gig in D.C. The last time he got a police escort was when an escort called the police on him.

4. Jay Leno guest Dame Edna: You know how Geoffrey Rush helped the King with his stammer? I'm coaching Prince William on his stamina. Jay: Sort of the King's Fluffer. Edna: You talk in riddles, Jay. I've given Prince William a photo of myself to put on the nightstand. And if he feels his excitement waning he can look over Kate's shoulder at me.

3. Jay Leno: Coffee prices are at a 34-year high. If they go any higher we may have to invade Seattle.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: On "Dancing with the Stars" this week they've had the Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, and Hanson. It's like they've been casting from the posters on my bedroom wall.

1. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 120 days and then has to do 400 hours of community service in the morgue. While in the morgue she's planning on visiting her career.


I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 105 - Me and the wife is going to go out tonight, young lady, and we are going to go waltzing!"
"But I thought that led to depraved behavior?" said Tiffany.
The coachman winked at her. "Well, we can but hope!" he said.

108 - Tiffany had only been to Ankh-Morpork once before and didn't like the big city very much. It stank, and there were too many people, and far too many places. And the only green was on the surface of the river, which could only be called mud because a more accurate word would not have been printable.


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Monday, April 25
(O'Brien & Ferguson in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: A website is selling abstinence panties for teenage girls. They have sayings on them like "Zip it," "Not tonight," and "Dream on." Dads, listen up. If the guy's close enough to read the panties, it's already too late.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: The White House Easter egg roll is a great opportunity for kids to come from all over the country and look for the President's birth certificate.

8. David Letterman: A man just tried to hijack a plane, and he had two demands. He wanted them to take him to Libya, and he wanted an extra pillow. Fortunately it didn't happen. Thank God all the air traffic controllers were asleep.

7. Jay Leno: That tornado in St. Louis was scary. Tore part of the roof right off the airport. People aren't used to the roof being torn off until they get on their Southwest flight. One good thing, the air traffic controllers slept right through it.

6. David Letterman: Do you folks enjoy the Wikileaks? Now they have information on all the prisoners at Guantanamo. Most of them are there for being terrorists. One of them shoplifted a necklace, and one claims to have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

5. Jon Stewart: They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

4. Jay Leno: Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It's nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.

3. Jimmy Fallon: New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn't that pretty much what prison is?

2. David Letterman: New Jersey had a Governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn't want to be Governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I'm just going to leave the punchline up to you.

1. Jimmy Fallon: A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don't need. Or as Republicans call it, health care.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 259 - Mr. ]Theodore] Roosevelt is one of the most likable men that I am acquainted with. I have known him, and have occasionally met him, dined in his company, lunched in his company, for certainly twenty years. I always enjoy his society, he is so hearty, so straightforward, outspoken, and so absolutely sincere. These qualities endear him to me when he is acting in his capacity of private citizen -- they endear him to all his friends. But when he is acting under their impulse as President they make him a sufficiently queer President. He flies from one thing to another with incredible dispatch -- throws a somersault and is straightway back again where he was last week. He will then throw some more somersaults and nobody can foretell where he is finally going to land after a series. Each act of his, and each opinion expressed, is likely to abolish or controvert some previous act or expressed opinion ... He is the most popular human being that has ever existed in the United States, and that popularity springs from just these enthusiasms of his -- these joyous ebullitions of excited sincerity. It makes him so much like the rest of the people. They see themselves reflected in him. They also see that his impulses are not often mean. They are almost always large, fine, generous. He can't stick to one of them long enough to find out what kind of chick it would hatch if it had a chance, but everybody recognizes the generosity of the intention and they admire and love him for it.

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Friday, April 22
(Only Ferguson live.)

10. Craig Ferguson: If you want to celebrate Earth Day and Easter at the same time by using marshmallow Peeps as insulation, go right ahead. Marshmallow Peeps taste like insulation, and insulation tastes like marshmallow Peeps, so what you lose on the roundabouts you gain on the swings.

9.
Craig Ferguson: I'm glad Earth gets a special day, but now the other planets are going to want one, especially Uranus. Uranus deserves its own day, because Uranus is beautiful. Sometimes I look at the sky and a high cirrus cloud it just looks like Uranus has been bleached.

8.
Craig Ferguson: A green thing to do is to eat local food. I always eat the food that's closest to me, like what I find on my shirt or spilled down the side of the couch. Only if it's new. If the pizza's blue, you know what to do. Eat it.

7.
Craig Ferguson: Los Angeles is a very green city, which is ironic, since most of the people aren't biodegradable, with their boobs and their lips and their foreheads.

6.
Craig Ferguson: Big companies are becoming eco-friendly. A manufacturer of adult toys has just released a line of eco-friendly vibrators. And I'm thinking, "That's just a cucumber, isn't it? And it makes your eyes look gorgeous."

5.
Craig Ferguson: One green thing you can do is keep a garden and grow stuff. Not just marijuana. There's an old Chinese proverb, "Whoever grows a garden will have contentment within." What it actually means is, have sex with vegetables.

4.
Craig Ferguson: The Industrial Revolution destroyed the environment, but now we're not destroying it as much as we used to. We're concentrating on destroying the economy instead.

3.
Craig Ferguson: Earth Day is only my 2nd favorite day. My 1st favorite Day is Doris Day, because she taught me it was OK to wear pastel heels. Welcome, octogenarians. "Finally, a joke about Doris Day! Now I can embrace the icy stillness of death."

2.
Craig Ferguson: Earth Day is Al Gore's favorite holiday. He hasn't been this excited since his last massage. You don't know? Google it for God's sake.

1. Craig Ferguson: I'm from Scotland, where passive-aggressive means romance.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 54 - Clothing offered protection from sun, cold, insects and genital shame. Garment types varied by climate, culture, gender, which local animal had the most easily removed skin and what was on sale. Jacket: Put on to signify going to work; removed to signify REALLY going to work. Shirt: The presence or absence of this was an accurate gauge of how good a time you were having. Necktie: Reduced blood flow to the head, allowing enough oxygen to let wearer focus on pointless facade that was his career. Belt: Pant-fastener; adjustable for easy gluttony. Underwear: The socks of pants. Need to give a speech? Picture us in these. Pants: We put these on one leg at a time. You may require a different approach. Shoes: Enabled us to walk without crying. Blouse: Once worn by peasant women; later sewn by them in ten-hour shifts. Bra: Means of physical control (secondary) and social control (primary). Stockings: Ideal casing for shapely legs, smooshed faces of bank robbers.

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Thursday, April 21
(Only O'Brien, Handler, Kimmel & Ferguson live.)

10. Conan O'Brien: A new Catholic version of the Bible is coming out which gets rid of the term "booty" because of its current connotation. They replaced it with the word "badonkadonk."

9. Chelsea Handler: There's a new beer that contains Viagra, so when the cop asks how many beers you've had, you can just stick your penis in the breathalyzer. Chris Franjola: I took Viagra, and it's like your penis is trying to get out of your penis.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Easter is on Sunday this year, and all over the world children will look for eggs filled with tiny Lady Gagas, and they'll all be disappointed. The tradition of hiding eggs goes all the way back to Jesus, who told the Disciples, "I'm going away for a few days, and when I come back I'd better not find any eggs lying around."

7. Craig Ferguson: Queen Elizabeth turned 85 today. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, "Is she dead?"

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Trump has people in Hawaii looking for Obama's birth certificate. Wouldn't it be something if it turned out the certificate had been nestling

5. Chelsea Handler: An 8-year-old Florida girl gave her teacher some marijuana and said, "This is some of my Mommy's weed." So the teacher got an apple from another student and made herself a bong.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "American Idol" is down to 6 contestants, and even some air traffic controllers are staying awake to watch the excitement.

3. Conan O'Brien: Michelle Obama said the most popular member of the family is their Portuguese water dog Bo. Donald Trump said, "I want to see that Portuguese bitch's papers."

2. Craig Ferguson: John Muir believed that everything in our ecosystem is linked. He said, "When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world." He, of course, was talking about masturbating in the woods, but it applies to everything.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: More than a hundred tornadoes in the South this week. I think God is sending a message. When hot air from the Gulf of Mexico meets cooler air masses from the north it results in extreme weather conditions.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010

Page 321 - [Conan prepared a letter to "People of Earth" explaining why he wouldn't accept NBC's 12:05 offer. He ended with} Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it's always been that way.

327 - [Conan's last week on "The Tonight Show."] "When I was a little boy, I remember watching 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show -- for 7 months." ...

That was hardly the night's biggest shot at Jay, however. Over on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel went all in on mocking Jay. Dressed in a bouffant gray wig and a fake chin that looked more like the goatee on Colonel Sanders, he did a full-on Leno, from the high-pitched semi-lisp of Jay's delivery to the high fives with the front row of the audience to the constant running commentary from his bandleader (here Kimmel's Cleto Escobedo played the Kevin Eubanks role). The jokes were also clearly composed to be almost funny but ultimately kind of lame -- which was exactly the way many unfriendly comedians tended to see Jay's humor.
"My name is Jay Leno and let it hereby be known that I am taking over all the shows in late night."

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Wednesday, April 20
(Only O'Brien, Handler, Kimmel & Ferguson live.)

10. Conan O'Brien: I'll start with saying Happy 4/20 [Marijuana Day], which just happens to coincide with Passover. So now I'm just starting to understand why the Jews wandered around in the desert for 40 years. Andy Richter: Wearing sandals. Conan: Dude!

9. Chelsea Handler: Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband wants to have a baby with her. She's 94 with one leg. He's 67. She's not involved in this plan, since obviously her eggs aren't working, but he's claiming she froze her eggs in 1960. Ross Matthews: I won't eat an egg if it's one day past its expiration date.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Charlie Sheen was an hour late for his show last night. On the way he tweeted this photo of his police escort. Aren't police supposed to escort Charlie Sheen FROM places?

7. Craig Ferguson: On the survey of happiest countries Denmark was #1, and we were 12th. Sweden and Finland were #2 and #3. They're all together. I call them the Axis of Perky. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words "President Trump."

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Yesterday Donald Trump said the reason we're no longer #1 is other countries. And the problem the Clippers face is other basketball teams.

5. Conan O'Brien: In Pennsylvania a 13-year-old boy was forced to help his mother give birth to his new sister. When asked to comment the boy said, "Well, I'm gay now. I'm not going near one of those again."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Jersey Shore" is shooting in Florence, and the Mayor of Florence just said they can't film in clubs serving alcohol or be seen drinking in public. I think the Mayor just canceled "Jersey Shore." Cameras will not be allowed in any of the historic buildings, which is very disturbing, because Snooki was really looking forward to throwing up in the Duomo. Way to protect your image, country whose Prime Minister is on trial for having sex with a 17-year-old hooker.

3. Conan O'Brien: Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: If Donald Trump becomes President I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.

1. Conan O'Brien: [Conan showed an ad for the next Apple product, the iDea. "We don't know what it is yet, but we know it costs $599, or $799 for the more expensive model. Already ordered one? Get ready for the iDea 2."] 

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 246 - ... and near it is a sun dial which keeps very good time.

... These are all Cerretanis -- or Cerretani-Twains, as I may say, for I have adopted myself into their family on account of its antiquity, my origin having been heretofore too recent to suit me.

247 - We boast a good deal in America of our fire departments, the most efficient and wonderful in the world, but they have something better than that to boast of in Europe -- a rational system of building which makes human life safe from fire and renders fire departments needless. We boast of a thing which we ought to be ashamed to require.

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Tuesday, April 19
(Only O'Brien, Handler, Kimmel & Ferguson live.)

10. Craig Ferguson: Pulitzer Prizes were announced today. It's not just a prize; it's also the name of a movie I was in: "Pull It, Sir," sort of an erotic thriller. Well, it thrilled me.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: John Boehner is breaking the longtime tradition that the Speaker of the House host the Cinco de Mayo reception at the Capitol next month. He says he has nothing against Mexican-Americans. In fact, his Speaker of the Housekeeper is a Mexican-American. Apparently seeing those poor defenseless pinatas get beaten with a stick makes him cry.

8. Conan O'Brien: Guest Tina Fey said her preschool daughter Alice was the source of many lines that perfectly fit Tracy Morgan's character on "30 Rock." "Now that she's in grade school, not so much."

7. Conan O'Brien: Nicolas Cage was arrested for public drunkenness. To make sure he wasn't a danger to himself or others, police took away his shoes, his belt, and the script for "Ghost Rider 2."

6. Chelsea Handler: The Royal Wedding is also going to be a rehearsal for the Queen's funeral, because they'll take the same route. How do you say to her, "We'd like you to lie down for this part."

5. Craig Ferguson: Am I saying this show is mediocre? I can aspire, can't I?

4. Conan O'Brien: The Broadway "Spiderman" has temporarily closed down but will reopen in May. Some producers opposed the closure, saying it will give the actors a chance to escape.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: I bet on Hines Ward to win "Dancing with the Stars," because betting on a football player was my way of keeping just a shred of masculinity as I bet on ballroom dancing. Not only did he make the high score last night, he made an incredible catch on a very poorly thrown Kirstie Alley.


2. Conan O'Brien: The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn't get to sleep.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Trump also said he'd show his tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a Presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 100 - The kelda closed her eyes, concentrated, and read the memories of all the kelda who had ever been and would ever be.

102 - He had felt ashamed that he had nothing with which to pay her for her painstaking work, and you had to pay the witch, the same as you had to pay the ferryman, and so he had whispered into her ear the horseman's word, which gave you the control of any horse that heard it. You couldn't buy it, you couldn't sell it, but you could give it away and still keep it, and even if it'd been made of lead, it would have been worth its weight in gold. The former owner had whispered in her ear, "I promised to tell no man the word, and I ain't!" And he was chuckling as he died, his sense of humor being somewhat akin to that of Mr. Carpetlayer.

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Monday, April 18
(Only O'Brien, Kimmel & Ferguson live.)

10. Craig Ferguson: I think they should have tournaments for strip poker. I tried to start one by throwing my thong onto the table, but the dealer said he didn't have change for something that large.

9. Conan O'Brien: President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Seder. Sarah Palin said, "Aha, he IS a Muslim!"

8. Conan O'Brien: Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, "Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises."

7. Craig Ferguson: I tried to be a hand model, but I couldn't get enough hand jobs.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Those Kenyans really can run: footraces, American Presidential races ... Men from Kenya have won the Boston Marathon 19 out of the past 22 years. We're really going to have to start importing cheetahs to chase our own runners.

5. Craig Ferguson: Tea Partiers attacked President Obama for shutting down online poker sites. Sarah Palin and Tim Pawlenty called it an overreaction. Donald Trump said, "Watch 'Celebrity Apprentice.'"

4. Craig Ferguson: Tina Fey: My father is German and Scottish.
Craig: Ah, an organized drunk.

3. Conan O'Brien: The Italian Prime Minister popularity has hit an all-time low at 31%. He isn't aware of this, because he ignores anything over 18.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone's home.  He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where's he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That's for pith, not for anything else. So now "going postal" means a whole new thing, I guess.

1. Craig Ferguson: We're on opposite each other, so Jimmy Fallon and I are supposed to be enemies. It's like Romeo & Juliet. Our love is forbidden. And our wives have a problem with it.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 53 - Dining room: Seldom dined-in area used as passageway to rooms with televisions. Children's bedrooms: Began as shrines to butterflies, princesses and athletes; evolved into gloomy cave filled with dirty socks, terrifying imagery and ill-concealed pornography. Bathrooms: Venue for urination, defecation and romantic bubble baths. Kitchen: Theoretically, where food was stored and cooked;  more often, where pizza boxes were stored and popcorn was microwaved. Living room: Seldom-lived-in area used to keep parentally obtained "nice things" away from clumsy, destructive offspring. Den: Where the family could gather together to get high and play X-box.

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Friday, April 15
(Only Letterman, Leno & Ferguson live.)

10. David Letterman: How did you find time to write a book?
Tina Fey: I met some wonderful ghost writers, and I look forward to reading it.

9. Craig Ferguson: There won't be as much nudity at Coachella as there was at Woodstock. It'll be Woodstock without the wood, basically.

8. Tina Fey: You don't want to know if you want to have a 2nd child because the store is closing or ...
David Letterman: Had the store been doing a brisk business?
Tina: The store was doing all right.
Dave: Making ends meet?

7. Craig Ferguson: Barry Bonds was found guilty of lying about his steroid use, so for his Hall of Fame chances that's one strike and two tiny balls.

6. David Letterman: Archaeologists have dug up the remains of the 1st gay caveman. They found him in the 2nd row in a Bette Midler concert. They classify him as a hunter-decorator.

5. Jay Leno: Today federal agents discovered another sleeper cell. Not terrorists, air traffic controllers. A controller in Reno fell asleep while a medical plane carrying a sick passenger was trying to land. Ironically, do you know what the patient was suffering from? Insomnia.

4. David Letterman: Bad time to be visiting New York. Our entire fleet of hookers has been grounded for inspection.

3. David Letterman: My tax accountant promises that in the event of an audit he will come in for conjugal visits.

2. David Letterman: You can now buy cologne that is bacon scented. The writers submitted 50 jokes on this topic, all of which ended with Kirstie Alley.

1. Craig Ferguson: A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage.

Her Royal Spyness by Rhys Bowen, Berkley Prime Crime 2007

Plucky 24-year-old virgin Lady Victoria Georgiana Charlotte Eugenie is 34th in line to the British Throne and penniless. Unable to stand her sister-in-law, she flees to the empty family mansion in London. It's the early 1930s, and Queen Mary asks her to go to a weekend houseparty and spy on Wallace Simpson, an American divorcee who has designs on the Prince of Wales. Meanwhile, Georgiana's brother Binky comes down from Scotland to meet a Frenchman to whom their father gambled away the Scottish estate before committing suicide. Georgiana discovers the Frenchman dead in their bathtub.

Page 167 - I sat up, now horribly awake. A note. I had left a note for Binky on his bed, a note in which I had mentioned the corpse in the bath and told him not to telephone the police. I could hardly have left anything more incriminating and the police must have found it by now.

.

Thursday, April 14
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Apparently equal-time laws don't allow Donald Trump to announce he's running on "Apprentice," which is a shame. I was so looking forward to hearing him say, "Meatloaf, you're fired, and I'm running for President."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: The Navy is testing a laser to use on pirates. It can shoot a baseball-sized beam for miles, and on the first test it set the target ship's engine on fire, which upset the captain of that particular Carnival Cruise. And there's absolutely no way for pirates to defend themselves against this laser, unless they buy a mirror.

8. Jon Stewart: Are you excited about the Royal Wedding? Apparently Wills is marrying a Muggle.

7. Conan O'Brien: Trump has to wait. Critics say it's illegal to run for President while you're hosting a TV show, or if your hair wasn't born in this country.

6. Jay Leno: 17% of women are addicted to online pornography. And 100% of men have never met any of these women.

5. Craig Ferguson: When I was a kid I had trouble sleeping because I was afraid of the monster in the closet. There's nothing worse than a monster who refuses to admit he's gay.

4. David Letterman: Next Sunday will be the Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn, and they'll also be looking for the President's birth certificate.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Donald Trump says he'll be making a big announcement on the season finale of "Celebrity Apprentice." My money's on the sex-change operation.

2. Jon Stewart: Republican Congressman Paul Ryan released his plan to reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over 10 years by building a giant machine that beats old and poor people to death with a copy of "The Fountainhead."

1. Conan O'Brien: President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010

Page 312 - At that evening's taping Conan walked onstage to thunderous applause that he finally had to stop by saying, "You keep that up, and this monologue won't start until 12:05." He had a passel of jokes related to the news on everyone's mind: "This weekend a 6.5 earthquake hit California. The earthquake was so powerful it knocked Jay Leno's show from 10 to 11:35." Over in Burbank Jay was firing away as well: "I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster."

319 - Dave prepared a couple of pointed jokes for that night -- "I got a call just before I came out here from NBC. And they said, 'Look, look, we still don't want you back.' -- and the show was also putting together an elaborate promo parody for a series called "Law & Order: Leno Victims Unit."

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Wednesday, April 13
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Mariah Carey is pregnant and nude on the cover of "O.K." magazine, along with hubby Nick Cannon, who's getting in one last squeeze before he hands them over to the kids. I wish I had a magazine cover of my dad groping my mother's breasts while I was in the womb.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: The President of the Czech Republic has a viral hit on his hands. He was at a news conference in Chile signing a trade agreement, and apparently the pen was irresistible to him. Here he is putting it in his lap and shifting it into his pocket. Then he closes the empty pen box and ... mission accomplished. Does he think he's invisible?

8.
Jay Leno: J. Crew is causing controversy because of a small boy in its catalog wearing pink toenail polish. But to be fair, the kid had already had a couple of drinks at Applebee's.

7. Jay Leno: President Obama today called on all Americans to have more grandchildren, because the more there are, the easier it will be for them to pay off our $14 trillion debt. He also said South Korean children are outpacing our children in math. Hell, they're outpacing his economic team in math.

6. Conan O'Brien: It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War, and a poll found that 23% of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as "not African-Americans."

5. David Letterman: A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK, and the collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers. The big plane was swinging around and hit the smaller ... Wait a minute. That was Kirstie Alley on "Dancing with the Stars."

4. Jay Leno: Did you see that Air France jumbo jet clipping that smaller jet full of passengers and spinning it around? Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about was the roof of the plane peeling back in the middle of the flight?

3. Jimmy Kimmel: China has banned stories involving time travel because "they don't have positive thoughts and meaning." But any time Chinese spend revising time travel stories is time they don't spend killing endangered species so they can get erections, so that's good.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: In other world leader news, Justin Bieber is in Israel for a concert, and he wanted to meet with Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu, but Bibi had no time for Bieber. Bibi, Bibi, Bibi, no!

1. Craig Ferguson: Experts say hockey violence is on the decline, which is good, because some hockey games have been like episodes of "The View." With less chest hair.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 91 - Tiffany looked up at the ceiling. The cat was holding on to it by all four paws. It gave her what was definitely a look. Even a witch can be out-looked by a cat that has had it up to her and is still up here.

92 - "Look," said Tiffany, "you can't just go around helping people whether they want you to or not!"
Rob Anybody scratched his head, put back the snail that had fallen out, and said, "Why not, miss? You do."

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Tuesday, April 12
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Trump said, "I am Obama's worst nightmare." Really? Worse than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom in a string bikini?

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Even though Kendra Wilkinson had the lowest score, Sugar Ray Leonard got booted off "Dancing with the Stars." I don't know if the audience felt sorry for Kendra because she had to have sex with Hugh Hefner to get on the show or what.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: There's a local holiday in Washington, D.C. on this Friday, so the whole country doesn't have to file their taxes until Monday, April 18. You have the whole weekend to go through restaurant dumpsters looking for receipts.

7. Jay Leno: The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate."

6. Stephen Colbert: Threat Level: Rainbow. Are gay Americans exposing their families to dangerous levels of Bravo?

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Kirstie Alley lost a shoe on "Dancing with the Stars," which is why I only dance in UGGs, but she got a good score, 22, for dancing without a shoe. I don't get it. Heather Mills danced without a leg, and she only came in 7th.

4. Conan O'Brien: A man started a college dedicated to teaching students how to grow pot. It's called U.C. Santa Cruz. Andy Richter: You're going to get a letter from the Dean that says, "Dude."

3. Jimmy Kimmel: The American Library Association released its annual list of the most-challenged books, the ones receiving the most complaints. Number one was "And Tango Makes Three," about a penguin being raised by a same-sex penguin couple. I knew penguins were gay. You can just tell. Remember the movie? That's what they were marching for, gay rights.

2. David Letterman: The White House is saying Donald Trump has 0% chance of being elected. That seems a little high.

1. Jay Leno: An Applebee's in Michigan served a 15-month-old kid a margarita in a sippy cup. A 15-month-old kid. How good was that fake i.d.?


The Autobiography of Mark Twain
, 2010


Page 238 - [In a villa in Florence rented from a Countess] On the wall of the front end, in large frames, hang photographs of the pair who are responsible for the Countess's presence in this world. it would be in better taste if they looked less gratified about it.

240 - A number of these paintings are from the Countess's hand, and several of them exhibit talent of a moderate sort. One of her works is a portrait, apparently from a photograph, of the Philadelphia man whose intimacies with her enabled her first husband to relieve himself of her society by divorce. This divorced lady was flourishing under her maiden name of Paxton when she was married to the Count in Philadelphia. In America she is a married woman; in Italy she is not.

241 - The Countess's lips are as familiar with lies, deceptions, swindles and treacheries as are her nostrils with breath. She has not a single friend in Florence, she is not received in any house. I think she is the best hated person I have ever known, and the most liberally despised.

.

Monday, April 11
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Hugh Hefner turned 85. He's a monument to the fight against STDs. He must be a vampire. He goes on and on. They partied in Vegas til the early morning hours, and then he retired to his suite with his beautiful 24-year-old fiancee, who told him they'd had sex and it was great, and then they went to sleep.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Charlie Sheen's crazy train continues. He bombed on Friday night at Radio City Music Hall, cutting his show short. Then he did well in Connecticut Saturday night, and did well Sunday night when he came back to Radio City Music Hall. Even his audiences are bipolar.

8. David Letterman: Charlie Sheen was at Radio City Music Hall this weekend with Darryl Strawberry. That's not a show. That's rehab. But the show was a pretty good success. Only 2 Rockettes are pregnant.

7. Conan O'Brien: Four of Prince William's ex-girlfriends have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Kate Middleton is having them seated in the front row of the "In Your Face" section.

6. Conan O'Brien: I have to mention this one, the North Iceland Penis Museum. Goodnight everybody. The North Iceland Penis Museum is putting its first human specimen on display this week. And I just want to say I'm honored.

5. Stephen Colbert: I almost didn't come to work today. I'm so depressed we still have a government. And we could have blamed it on the Democrats.

4. David Letterman: It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D.C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: This was the first classical music week on "Dancing with the Stars." It was like they were daring us not to watch. Contestants had to choose the paso doble, the waltz, or the Viennese waltz, which is like the regular waltz, but with little frankfurters on sticks.

2. Jay Leno: Developing cold sores can put you more at risk for Alzheimer's, especially when your wife asks you where you got the cold sores. "I, uh, don't remember."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 50 - Indian: A cuisine founded on "a tragic overestimation of chickpeas." French: Those looking for "butter sauces lightly garnished with food" who didn't mind eating something "that thinks it's better than you," went for France's "deliciously easy to mispronounce" cuisine. The French also loved to "wash down" "gag-inducing cheeses" with "wine you can't afford." English: "Doing for the tongue what Queen Victoria did for the penis," this cuisine used local ingredients, then "boiled the flavor out of them."

51 - This man got a trophy for eating 68 hot dogs in ten minutes. This man ate 6.8 ounces of flour in ten days. If he'd gotten a trophy, he'd have eaten that too.

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Friday, April 8
(Only Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

10. Jimmy Fallon: People who shop every day live longer. Or as the Kardashians put it, "See you in 3011, bitches!"

9. Craig Ferguson: They call the Masters the Super Bowl of golf, but it's a little different. You won't see any shirtless, painted fans yelling, "You suck!" At least since I was banned by the PGA.

8. Jay Leno: Charlie Sheen is planning to get a vasectomy, which explains his new catch phrase: "Snipping! Snipping! Duh. Snipping!" The hard part for the doctor is finding a drug Charlie hasn't built up an immunity to.

7. Jimmy Fallon: A woman in the U.K. still breast feeds her 6-year-old son. It's pretty embarrassing, especially on days when he brings his own lunch to school. Another kid says, "You want to trade for a peanut butter and jelly?"

6. Craig Ferguson: Natalie Portman revealed today that she used to take drugs in college. She says she's drawing on her drug experience for her next film: "Crack Swan."

5. Jimmy Fallon: Jwoww and Snooki are getting their own spinoff in a show about them as roommates. It's called "One and a Half Women."

4. Craig Ferguson: Nobody plays golf. I like the idea of a caddy, though, somebody who leans in and gives you advice in any given situation. "Don't do that joke about Shatner and the seizure."

3. Jimmy Fallon: Kelly Ripa got her own wax figure at Madame Tussaud's. It's so lifelike Regis spent an entire hour not letting it talk.

2. Jay Leno: The Bravo Network has canceled "Real Housewives of Washington, D.C." At last a government shutdown we can feel good about.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Paris Hilton is being sued by a jewelry store for not returning $60,000-worth of jewels they lohanned her.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010

Page 311 - Worst of all for Leno, he was again being tagged as a Machiavelli who had possibly set up the entire episode. As in: Give up "The Tonight Show" under protest; assail NBC on the air for years for this shoddy treatment; then accept the ten p.m. move, knowing the pathetic lead-ins it would generate would inevitably undermine Conan and force NBC to dump him. That this would entail the monumental embarrassment for Jay of a public cancellation caused no apparent cognitive dissonance.

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Thursday, April 7
(Letterman in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien: "Glee" is going to have a special 90-minute episode devoted to Lady Gaga. Scientists warn this could rip a hole in the time/space gay continuum.

9. Stephen Colbert: America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too.

8. Stephen Colbert: Dunkin' Donuts is introducing a Royal Wedding donut. And so appropriate, because like diamonds, diabetes is forever.

7. Jon Stewart: A looming shutdown that will change America. Is Glenn Beck really stepping down?

6. Jimmy Fallon: Star Jones said her last year on "The View" was horrible. It wasn't any one person. It was just that the daily grind was a real hasselbeck.

5. Jay Leno: Because Americans are getting fatter, the Coast Guard is reducing the number of passengers allowed on tour boats and ferries. They now classify passengers as plus size, super size and capsize.

4. Jimmy Fallon: A study found families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless the dad has a 42% approval rating.

3. Stephen Colbert: I'm getting ready for the Royal Wedding. I hope no one else is wearing a white dress.

2. Jay Leno: One of President Obama's oldest friends [Bobby Titcomb. I can't believe Jay didn't mention it] has just been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. You can tell he's a friend of Obama's. Although he hired the prostitute, his grandchildren are going to have to pay for it.

1. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama revealed that until a few years ago he was still paying off student loans.  In response, China was like, "Oh, you DO know how to repay loans."

Her Royal Spyness by Rhys Bowen, Berkley Prime Crime 2007

Plucky 24-year-old virgin Lady Victoria Georgiana Charlotte Eugenie is 34th in line to the British Throne and penniless. Unable to stand her sister-in-law, she flees to the empty family mansion in London. It's the early 1930s, and Queen Mary asks her to go to a weekend houseparty and spy on Wallace Simpson, an American divorcee who has designs on the Prince of Wales. Meanwhile, Georgiana's brother Binky comes down from Scotland to meet a Frenchman to whom their father gambled away the Scottish estate before committing suicide. Georgiana discovers the Frenchman dead in their bathtub.

Page 152 - She [Georgie's friend Belinda] sat frowning for a moment. Then she said, "I think your best approach is to play your trump card."
"Trump card?"
"Your royal connection, my dear. You summon the police, acting with righteous indignation. You have just found a body in your bathtub. You have no idea who he is or how he got there. Kindly have it removed instantly."

160 - I found myself wondering if those of royal blood still had the privilege of being hanged with a silken cord, then decided that having my neck irritated by coarse hemp would be the least of my worries.

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Wednesday, April 6

10. Conan O'Brien: Elton John revealed that the godmother to his son is Lady Gaga, which explains why the son's 1st words were, "I get it. You're gay."

9. Jay Leno: Glenn Beck is leaving Fox. He wants to go to a channel that's a better fit for him, like the Cartoon Network.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: A new tattoo was spotted on Angelina Jolie today. She's like the Bombshell McGee of U.N. Goodwill Ambassadors.

7. David Letterman: Snooki spoke at Rutgers, because when you think higher education ...  I remember once Nobel winner Toni Morrison spoke at Rutgers about growing up black. Snooki talked about growing up orange.

6. Craig Ferguson: Richard Branson unveiled a new project today, a submarine that can zoom around like a jet airplane. He's the guy who started all the Virgin things: Virgin Records, Virgin Atlantic, Susan Boyle.

5. Conan O'Brien: Glenn Beck is leaving his Fox News Channel show this year. Even more surprising, he says he's leaving so he can marry his life partner, Abdul Gonzales.

4. Craig Ferguson: It's Tartan Day. What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? Your wife's lipstick.

3. Jay Leno: NASA is warning the International Space Station that Chinese space junk is coming toward them. The Chinese must think the Space Station is a Wal-Mart.

2. Jay Leno: 7% of new college graduates will use Facebook to land a job. The other 93% will use Facebook to lose the job they already have.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Bristol Palin was paid $260,000 in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 227 - I announced a lecture on the Sandwich Islands [Hawaii], closing the advertisement with the remark "Admission one dollar; doors open at half past 7, the trouble begins at 8." A true prophecy. The trouble certainly did begin at 8, when I found myself in front of the only audience I had ever faced, for the fright which pervaded me from head to foot was paralysing. It lasted two minutes and was as bitter as death, the memory is indestructible, but it had its compensations, for it made me immune from timidity before audiences for all time to come.

.

Tuesday, April 5

10. Jimmy Fallon: Some gamers are asking for refunds on the new Nintendo 3DS because of dizziness. Some even became so disoriented they wandered outside.

9. Craig Ferguson: Old people are the most vulnerable to phishing, because they're new to the internet, just becoming comfortable with downloading nude pictures of old-timey movie stars. "Look at the gams on Burt Lancaster!"  Maybe that's just me.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Half the contestants on "Dancing with the Stars" dedicated their dances to deceased family members. A note to my family. When I die I don't want to be honored with a cha-cha. The other people in Hell will make fun of me.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: The White House is getting a face lift for $380 million. Apparently they're building a secret tunnel, which is a lot of trouble just to get away from your mother-in-law.

6. Jon Stewart: I love Dick Morris. It's as if cholesterol and bile had a baby.

5. Jay Leno: While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Khadafy's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Khadafy does.

4. David Letterman: This weekend Charlie Sheen brings his show to New York. So good luck finding a hooker.

3. Stephen Colbert: Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.

2. The Bronx Zoo is having a contest to name that escaped cobra. I would name the snake Cobra Winfrey.

1. David Letterman: Last night on "Dancing with the Stars" Kirstie Alley fell. How many of you felt it? That joke's just awful, isn't it?

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 82 - The Toad had no other name but that of the Toad and had joined the Feegle clan some years previously, and found life in the mound much to be preferred over his former existence as a lawyer, or, to be precise, as a lawyer who had gotten too smart in the presence of a fairy godmother.

84 - "Simple?" said the Toad, who seemed to be enjoying himself. "Well, as a lawyer I can tell you that something that looks very simple indeed can be incredibly complicated, especially If I'm being paid by the hour."

.

Monday, April 4
With Seth Meyers from "SNL" extras

(Letterman was in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: The people at Charlie Sheen's show were all mad, which I don't understand. You paid to see a train wreck. The train wrecked. And now you're mad about it? People walked out and wanted their money back. It reminded me a little bit of when I lost my virginity.

9. Conan O'Brien: One in 100 men may be allergic to their own semen. The study didn't ask how we found that out.

8. Jimmy Fallon: An injection provides long-term protection against cat allergies. I think the injection puts your cat to sleep.

7. Craig Ferguson: I can't run for President because I wasn't born here, plus my conviction for cock fighting. Don't worry, no birds were injured. Or, in fact, involved.

6. Stephen Colbert: We are just 4 days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Katie Couric is leaving CBS news. I don't know if that's a good idea unless she's planning on launching her "Violent Colonoscopy of Truth Tour." Now who will ask Sarah Palin incredibly easy questions she should be able to answer?

4. Jimmy Fallon: Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn't have canceled all those flights. They'd have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee.

3. Jon Stewart: President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war.

2. Jimmy Fallon: To save electricity Mayor Bloomberg wants New Yorkers to use their air conditioners less this summer. That's not cool.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen.


Saturday Night Live, April 2

Seth Meyers: If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of His Wife?

Seth Meyers: After botched plastic surgery a New Jersey woman can no longer close her eyes. She says, " I wouldn't mind so much if people would just stop screaming when they find me asleep on the couch."

Seth Meyers: Instead of dating, college students are having no-strings-attached casual hook-ups, where only the woman thinks they're dating.

Seth Meyers: Lamborghini has come out with a car for everyday use, because if your penis is tiny, it's tiny every day.

Seth Meyers: This restaurant looks like a good place to take someone for a last date.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 48 - Meat: It tasted like victory. Dairy: Food we stole from baby mammals. Fruits and vegetables: Our most nutritious option. Eaten reluctantly. Grains: Their production required a continual scaring of crows.

49 - Chocolate: What it was: The Veronica to vanilla's Betty. Why we liked it: Seriously, try it. If you don't have taste buds, just rub it on your exoskeleton. What we used it for: To woo a lover; to fill the void of losing a lover. What we'd do for it: Peel wrappers; finish our vegetables. Where we found it: Hershey, Pennsylvania small hollow plastic pumpkins (October 31 only); dead dogs' stomachs. Where you'll (still) find it: Ring-Dings.

Honey: What it was: Delicious, delicious, bee vomit. Where you'll (still) find it: Plastic squeeze bears; any surface it once touched.

.

Friday, April 1
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

10. Craig Ferguson [on April Fools Day] One of the biggest Hollywood pranksters is Mel Gibson. You have to admit he has a really good one going on now.

9. Jimmy Fallon: The pizza chain Sbarro is filing for bankruptcy. I'm sorry, Sbankruptcy. That was a Sbad joke.

8. Jimmy Fallon: MTV is coming out with a new show that gives sex advice. Basically, it's just "Jersey Shore" with the word "DON'T" at the bottom of the screen.

7. Jay Leno: Police in England found a human head floating down a river. They can't identify it, of course. Since this is England there are no dental records.

6. Jay Leno: A man in Ohio received a cable bill for $16 million. When he called to complain they told him for another $8 he can get the NFL package.

5. David Letterman: Donald Trump is saying President Obama doesn't have a birth certificate. Let's just say he doesn't. What are we going to do now? Make him go get one?

4. Jay Leno: Snooki was paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers University. You know what this means? We've finally found people dumber than Snooki.

3. David Letterman: It's Lent, ladies and gentlemen. At least that's what Lindsay Lohan told the judge

2. Jimmy Fallon: The number of kids playing baseball has shrunk 24%. Barry Bonds is going [looking down], "Big deal. I've shrunk like 50%."

1. Jimmy Fallon: TLC will start airing new episodes of "Kate Plus 8" starting this Monday. And they're going to keep airing them until Khadafy agrees to step down.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010

Page 265 - NBC had committed to a pay-AND-play arrangement with Jay.
Jeff Gaspin had never in his life heard of granting someone a pay-and-play promise in a contract. He tried to work out what it would mean in practice to have guaranteed not only to pay a performer but also to play him -- for two years. ... As crazy as it sounded, Jay's lawyer could even seek an injunction that would force NBC to keep Jay on the air.

267 - [Conan's contract didn't say the show didn't have to go on right after the nightly news. NBC could legally move him back to after midnight.]


.




April Winners

Friday, April 1 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: TLC will start airing new episodes of "Kate Plus 8" starting this Monday. And they're going to keep airing them until Khadafy agrees to step down.

Monday, April 4 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen.

Tuesday, April 5 Strangie to
David Letterman: Last night on "Dancing with the Stars" Kirstie Alley fell. How many of you felt it? That joke's just awful, isn't it?

Wednesday, April 6 Strangie
to Jimmy Fallon: Bristol Palin was paid $260,000 in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach.

Thursday, April 7 Strangie to 
Jimmy Fallon: President Obama revealed that until a few years ago he was still paying off student loans.  In response, China was like, "Oh, you DO know how to repay loans."

Friday, April 8 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: Paris Hilton is being sued by a jewelry store for not returning $60,000-worth of jewels they lohanned her.

Monday, April 11 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even.

Tuesday, April 12 Strangie to
Jay Leno: An Applebee's in Michigan served a 15-month-old kid a margarita in a sippy cup. A 15-month-old kid. How good was that fake i.d.?

Wednesday, April 13 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: Experts say hockey violence is on the decline, which is good, because some hockey games have been like episodes of "The View." With less chest hair.

Thursday, April 14 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.

Friday, April 15 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage.

Monday, April 18 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: We're on opposite each other, so Jimmy Fallon and I are supposed to be enemies. It's like Romeo & Juliet. Our love is forbidden. And our wives have a problem with it.

Tuesday, April 19 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: Trump also said he'd show his tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a Presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.

Wednesday, April 20 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: [Conan showed an ad for the next Apple product, the iDea. "We don't know what it is yet, but we know it costs $599, or $799 for the more expensive model. Already ordered one? Get ready for the iDea 2."]

Thursday, April 21 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: More than a hundred tornadoes in the South this week. I think God is sending a message. When hot air from the Gulf of Mexico meets cooler air masses from the north it results in extreme weather conditions.

Friday, April 22 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: I'm from Scotland, where passive-aggressive means romance.

Monday, April 25 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don't need. Or as Republicans call it, health care.

Tuesday, April 26 Strangie to
David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 120 days and then has to do 400 hours of community service in the morgue. While in the morgue she's planning on visiting her career.

Wednesday, April 27 Strangie to
David Letterman: Security at the Royal Wedding is going to be tighter than the Queen's ass.

Thursday, April 28 Strangie to
Chelsea Handler: Elton John is having breast milk flown in from around the world for his baby. I don't know why Elton's breast milk isn't good enough.

Friday, April 29 Strangie to
David Letterman: Donald Trump says if he's elected President he'll be making the United States sign a prenup.

For each day's top 10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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