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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, April 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim
(San Francisco's Town Fool for the odd quarter century)

Friday, April 30 Strangie to David Letterman: "The nightmare on Elm Street is now foreclosures."

April Strangies: Leno 7, Letterman 7, Kimmel 4, Ferguson 2, Fallon 1, Colbert 1

 

Thursday, April 1 Strangie to David Letterman: "Jesse James likes women with tattoos. I guess he likes to read in bed."

Friday, April 2 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "They say with the iPad we'll now use computers completely differently, so apparently we won't use it to watch porn."

Monday, April 5 Strangie to Jay Leno: "On Saturday, Apple's Steve Jobs came down from the mountain with a sacred tablet. I saw an Amish guy waiting in line to buy an iPad."

Tuesday, April 6 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: To Astronaut Buzz Aldrin: "Why did you get kicked off 'Dancing With the Stars'? Did the gravity throw you?"

Wednesday, April 7 Strangie to David Letterman: "Experts are saying the iPad will change the way we procrastinate."

Thursday, April 8 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger had a look like your dog has when you bring him home from the vet after neutering. His wife Elin wasn't there. She was on a plane to Haiti with a picture of Tiger and a live chicken."

Friday, April 9 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Al Queda is so strapped for cash they're getting into drugs, prostitution and adjustable-rate mortgages."

Monday, April 12 Strangie to Jay Leno Headlines: "Tiger Fails to Win Masters, Blames It on Celibacy."

Tuesday, April 13 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Vatican is updating their policy on sexual abuse. They're now against it."

Wednesday, April 14 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "At last the blind have their own pornographic magazine. Isn't that how you go blind in the first place? Don't expect to see Stevie Wonder for a couple of months."

Thursday, April 15 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Larry King filed for divorce this week, though he may have thought he was filing his taxes. This is divorce #8. Why do all these women want to get into his diaper?"

Friday, April 16 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "In this new comic book Arnold Schwarzenegger battles his lifelong nemesis, words."

Monday, April 19 Strangie to David Letterman: "The Yankees wanted to keep Kate Hudson, but her knees are shot."

Tuesday, April 20 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Administration has a solution for the Icelandic volcano problem, pour money into it."

Wednesday, April 21 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Bad news for 'Star Trek' fans, Leonard Nimoy is retiring. Worse news, William Shatner isn't."

Thursday, April 22 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Pope has invited thousands of priest to come to Rome to discuss their situation. Sounds fine, but the entertainment is Justin Bieber."

Friday, April 23 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Yesterday a man hid from police for hours up to his neck in a tank of liquid pig manure. Well, we all celebrate Earth Day in our own way."

Monday, April 26 Strangie to David Letterman: "All the world champion New York Yankees were invited to the White House, except Kate Hudson. If the Yankees were in Arizona they'd be deported."

Tuesday, April 27 Strangie to David Letterman: "In George Bush's upcoming memoirs, 'Decision Point,' he tells about 14 major decisions, including moving Jay to 10 p.m. He's busy revising the manuscript. His computer screen is covered with Wite-Out."

Wednesday, April 28 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Should psychedelic drugs be used as medicine? Well, they weren't called The Grateful Healthy."

Thursday, April 29 Strangie to David Letterman: "Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how's that offshore drillin' workin' for ya? Luckily the oil spill is being diluted by the melting ice caps."

Friday, April 30 Strangie to David Letterman: "The nightmare on Elm Street is now foreclosures."

Thursday, April 1

Strangie to David Letterman: "Jesse James likes women with tattoos. I guess he likes to read in bed."

Jon Stewart: Samantha Bee: "Here are protesters against the government invading their privacy on census forms filling out a release form with all their personal information for a comedy show." Jon: "You know who should do the census? Jehovah's Witnesses."

Stephen Colbert: "Elephant Graveyard: Republicans are fighting among themselves, and we know they're all packing." "The big story tonight is that I got an iPad. No need to tell how I got it. I had two kidneys. And just like the iPhone you can't make calls with it. And the best news, look under your chairs. Everyone here gets a photo of me holding my new iPad."

David Letterman: "The Yankees traded Kate Hudson to the Diamondbacks, but, good news, they replaced her with Betty White." "Easter is Sunday. Last year Mom put out the eggs and then colored the cat." "King Tut is coming back to New York, with his wife Catherine-Zeta Tut. He's so old and so rich he's considering running for Mayor. He hasn't been here since 1977. He's been in prison for a pyramid scheme. He's going to look up his old grade school buddy, Regis." "Have you been watching 'The Mentalist'? The guy has heightened powers of perception. He can tell the difference between Jesse James' girlfriends." "Poor President Obama had to fill out his census form. Like the guy needs to be reminded he lives with his mother-in-law." "Health experts want to get rid of Ronald McDonald, so McDonalds is going to dump him. Jay says he had nothing to do with it. They're going with David Hasselhoff." Showed photo of Hasselhoff drunk on the floor eating a cheeseburger. Top 10 questions to ask yourself before waiting in line for an iPad: 6. Should I wear my Spock ears? 5. Wasn't I saving the money to buy a hot tub time machine? 1. Can't Apple invent something that will wait in line for me?

Jay Leno: "A German study found that eating a single piece of dark chocolate every day cuts your risk of a heart attack by 40%. Of course you die of diabetes ..." "The latest craze in Seattle is doga, yoga for dogs. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, as I was saying at my cat's piano lesson. If you can lick yourself you're limber enough."

Jimmy Kimmel: "April Fools Day began in the 16th century when St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and led them into his mother's bathtub" Wednesday night Jimmy had asked viewers to dump ice water on anyone sleeping, and put the videos on YouTube with "Kimmel" in the title. He showed a bunch of them, including his girlfriend dousing him. "It is good to stay hydrated, though."

Jimmy Fallon: "So many things came out this week: the iPad, 'Clash of the Titans,' Ricky Martin." "Since Topeka temporarily changed its name to Google in a bid to get free wi-fi, for April Fools Day Google changed its name to Topeka. And Yahoo changed its name to Google." "President Obama gave a speech promoting the use of teleconferencing. Then he flew 13,000 miles to Afghanistan to say whassup." "Ricky Gervais is on the show tonight. He starred in the original British version of our show." Guest Ricky Gervais: "Pilots should do April Fools jokes. 'We're going down!' Or midwives: "Good Lord, it's a frog!'"

Craig Ferguson: "You can't take your pants off in Starbucks and then when the cops come make it all right by yelling April Fool. I learned that this morning." "I hate pranks. However, when I was on 'The Drew Carey Show,' Drew was in a rush to get to the airport, and one of the staff slipped a huge dildo into his suitcase. Drew was furious, but then he got over it, and even wrote the dildo into his show. And today that giant dildo has a show of its own, 'Dr. Phil.'"


Nero Wolfe is hired to find a rich man's son, and great complications and multiple murders ensue. Narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.

Wolfe took in air down to his waist, or where it would have been if he had one.

[Wolfe]: "Then you and Saul will go and search her apartment. Now." When Wolfe gets desperate he is absolutely fearless. He will expose me to the risk of a five-year stretch up the river without batting an eye.

Friday, April 2
Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert are off.
Jay Leno & JImmy Kimmel are in reruns.

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "They say with the iPad we'll now use computers completely differently, so apparently we won't use it to watch porn."

David Letterman: "Everyone in New York has spring fever. I saw a guy in Central Park flying a kite with a string made from crime scene tape." "Have you seen the new crime show,'Miami Medical?" In the first show Harry Smith checks in for a colonoscopy and gets a sex change. Since it's Miami, instead of intensive care they have intensive cabana." "Are you sick of paying taxes? Me too. I quit about 8 years ago." "Easter is this Sunday. Crack dealers have already switched to Peeps." "New York is overrun with coyotes. Today they captured Wally the Coyote in lower Manhattan. Where is he now?" (Showed a platter of meat at next-door Hello Deli.) Guest Nathan Lane: "I'm fresh out of sex rehab, 3 months of celibacy, and I'm just now getting back off my feet. There were a lot of celebrities there. I have to maintain confidentiality, but there was a popular golfer and a tattooed man who works on motorcycles. I was in the wrong place. I thought sex rehab was for improving your technique. Was my face red!" "I adopted that coyote they captured. It keeps getting packages from Acme." "We're previewing 'The Addams Family' on Broadway. Michelle Obama brought the kids. It's a little inhibiting for the audience to know that any sudden moves and they might be taken out by a Secret Service sharpshooter."

Jimmy Fallon: "The iPad will come out tomorrow morning, and everyone will find out what they're so excited about." "There's a new reality show 'Sunset Days,' a senior citizens version of 'Jersey Shore.' Instead of skanks the hot tubs will have non-skid mats." "Ford and Microsoft have teamed up to produce a new electric car, because who knows more about avoiding crashes than Microsoft."

Craig Ferguson: "The iPad comes out Saturday, and the improved iPad comes out Sunday." "I've been spoiled by Monty Python. When I saw the movie '300.' and the hero said 'Tonight we dine in Hell!' I expected a little voice to pipe up, 'What are they serving, because Nigel's a vegetarian, and I'm lactose intolerant.'"

Rory Albanese on Comedy Central: "If you're a really tough guy you give your penis a female name. 'Ladies, meet Karen.'" "Where should we go on vacation? Let's go to London. They speak gay English, so we can get along." "I opened a camp for kids with ADD, but nobody showed up. I called it Concentration Camp."

Amy Schumer: "This theater is so big I don't even know which way to face. It's like sex." "Are you Jewish too? You're so pretty, I didn't even see your horns" "He'd always clean up his mess, no matter where he got it on me."


Sherlock Holmes and his partner Mary Russell have had to flee England, and Sherlock's brother Mycroft has arranged for them to investigate some matters in the Holy Land.

"As the Irishman said when he was run out of town on a rail," Holmes commented sotto voce, "'Were it not for the honour, I'd rather have walked.'" All the monks in that place, who numbered less than fifty, were thin and brown and leathery, and the entire time I was within the walls I remained acutely conscious that no other woman had entered these walls since the monastery had been founded in the sixth century. Unless, of course, she too had been in heavy disguise.

... the man who at that moment was the sole authority of all the occupied territory from Constantinople to the Suez Canal: the Commander in Chief, General Edmund Allenby. He seemed to take up a great deal of space in the room.

 

Monday, April 5

Strangie to Jay Leno: "On Saturday, Apple's Steve Jobs came down from the mountain with a sacred tablet. I saw an Amish guy waiting in line to buy an iPad."

Jon Stewart: Aasuf Mandvi on social networking: "The enemy of my enemy is my Friendster"

Chelsea Handler: "The last woman in space was Lance Bass. Chuy, has there ever been a little person in space?" Chuy: "No, just on Uranus."

Stephen Colbert: "A Few Less Good Men: Should the Army repeal 'don't ask, don't tell,' and if they do, how will we know?" "A word to those who just bought iPads. They're not dishwasher safe." "'Clash of the Titans' is showing in 3-D, though it was shot in 2-D. But the most amazing thing is that the characters remain 1-D."

David Letterman was in reruns.

Jay Leno: "That thing about the Republican National Committee paying for a party at a topless lesbian bondage club, this is the first Republican sex scandal to involve women." "Mexico had a 7.2 earthquake. Tijuana was damaged so badly it looked like Tijuana." "Russia agreed to an arms treaty with the U.S. after they learned we've succeeded in putting a warhead on a Prius." "Tiger Woods played a practice game for the Masters. It's his first legal threesome in five months." "A study showed that too many sodas can reduce sperm count by 40%. That's why they're called soft drinks." Kevin Eubanks: "Guys should switch to Mike's Hard Lemonade." "Former 'American Idol' contestant Sanjaya was ticketed for going 110 m.p.h. He was cited for going nowhere fast. And the owner of the car he was valet parking was furious." Headlines: "Republicans Celebrate Easter at Bunny Ranch." Ad for a museum "located in the hysterical district." Ad for "Borderline Collies." Ad for "adult-flavored fudge." Menu offered "Triple-Pecker Sandwich."

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy used his new iPad to cook bacon for everyone in the audience. He had a picture of a stove burner on the screen with a sizzling sound, and he just draped real slices of bacon over it. "There was a big earthquake this weekend. Here in L.A. all the Easter eggs were broken, and kids had to dye breast implants. In Washington kids were rolling eggs across the White House lawn while Republicans tried to block them." "Tiger Woods had his press conference today. Nothing much happened. It was a lot like golf." "Apple has made a much larger and more cumbersome version of the iPhone that doesn't make calls, and everybody's buying one."

Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger Woods said he's going to appreciate his fans more. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place?" "Kate Gosselin said she was frightened watching herself on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She should have seen herself on that other reality show with all the kids. Halfway through their dance her partner put on an Ed Hardy T-shirt and got fat."

Craig Ferguson: "We had a 7.2 earthquake. Parts of me are still jiggling. I did what you're supposed to do, ran into the bathroom and cried. Here in the studio the quake did almost $3,000 worth of improvements." "Here's my new robot skeleton sidekick Jim Peterson. Is he gay? I don't know yet. George Lucas said his robot wasn't gay, just English. There's no difference. The Terminator wasn't gay, though he did travel through time naked. A man tells his wife, 'Honey, you won't believe it. I was in a bar, and a robot from the future came in and took all my clothes.' And his wife says, 'Again?'" Guest: "It's that impression of something slimy brushing up against your leg." Craig: "And what about the fish?"

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" Joel showed a photo of Spencer Pratt with the monster The Kracken. Joel: "And that's after ten surgeries."


Sherlock Holmes and his partner Mary Russell have had to flee England, and Sherlock's brother Mycroft has arranged for them to investigate some matters in the Holy Land.

"We're in a kivutz. A communal village. They have a doctor. Actually, she's a midwife, but trained."
"In all my years, I don't believe I have ever before required the services of a midwife, Russell."

"Jerusalem, the centre of three religions, is not at all a town for amusement." -Baedeker's "Palestine and Syria," 1912 edition

There were signs of a hasty rearrangement of places at the dinner table, and I found myself thoroughly closed in by men older than my junior officers. I toyed with the idea of continuing my flirtation, but only for a minute; it would have been cruel to my hostess. So I allowed the high neck of my dress to be demure rather than provocative, and subsided into polite conversation.

Holmes did listen to my words, and the temperature in the car gradually rose a few degrees. "Very well," he said, "I see your point. Next time, I shall choose the frock with greater care; I should hate to be responsible for your having to spend another evening parading yourself in front of young men in that manner. I admit I had failed to visualise quite what the frock would look like with you inside it."

Tuesday, April 6

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: To Astronaut Buzz Aldrin: "Why did you get kicked off 'Dancing With the Stars'? Did the gravity throw you?"

Jon Stewart: Jason Jones: "Can Tiger regain his form and win this tournament without pulling his penis out? Tiger seems to have a need to be around 18 holes of any kind." Jon showed clips of John McCain saying he'd consider gays in the military, that the rich should pay more in taxes, and he wouldn't pander to extremists like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. Then he showed clips of McCain reversing all those stands. "But at least he still had 51% of his soul. Now he's told 'Newsweek' that he never considered himself a maverick. That's like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter saying I Never Believed I Was Butter. I finally figured out what McCain is doing. He's shorting his own soul. Then he'll pick it up for a song when it hits bottom."

David Letterman: "Tiger's playing in the Masters, and his wife's not there. He's on an out-of-town business trip. That should go well." "A woman was getting on a plane in England with a guy in a wheelchair and sunglasses, and it turns out he was dead. I've been thinking about this all day, and I just can't come up with a joke that doesn't involve Larry King." "Sarah Palin was in Las Vegas speaking at a liquor convention, because nothing says family values like gambling and liquor." "King Tut is in New York. At JFK he came sliding down the baggage carousel. Finally he'll be reunited with Queen Latifah. He was buried with all his money, same plan Regis has." "I'm not worried about the economy. I have all my money in the Kindle." "It's a rough allergy season. Even Ricky Martin found he was allergic to women."

Jay Leno: "The iPad has a great app. No matter what city you're in, it tells Republicans where the nearest bondage club is." "Tiger Woods is desperate to renew his wedding vows with his wife. I guess he didn't hear them the first time around." "Newark has gone the first month in 44 years without a murder. Even murderers don't want to live in Newark anymore."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Having these 'American Idol contestants do Beatles songs is like having spandex night on 'The Biggest Loser.'" "There's this big study on gay animals, like the Lance Bass, the RhinoceRosie and the KDLangatang." "John McCain told 'Newsweek' he really doesn't consider himself a maverick. What kind of man would say he's a maverick for years and then say that he's not? A maverick." "You can read books on the iPad, or if you're a fundamentalist, burn them."

Jimmy Fallon: "March Madness is over, the biting, the clawing, the scrambling on the floor. Let's face it, Kate Gosselin just can't dance." "A pizza delivery guy in Harlem fought off two muggers with guns and still delivered his pizzas. Stoners are calling him the Captain Sully of munchies."

Craig Ferguson: "When I heard Duke meets Butler, I thought it was a scandal at Buckingham Palace." "A 13-year-old boy is trying to climb Mt. Everest. Think of the relative scale. There's been nothing like this since Tom Cruise climbed Nicole Kidman. Over 2,000 people have climbed Everest. More men have been on top of Everest than on top of Elton John. That may not be true. The first man to climb Everest was Sir Edmund Hillary in 1953, but no one noticed his Sherpa, who not only climbed Everest but carried all the gear. Today that sherpa is a truck stop prostitute at a Piggly Wiggly in Katmandu"

Wednesday, April 7

Strangie to David Letterman: "Experts are saying the iPad will change the way we procrastinate."

Jon Stewart: "Pope Opera:" Jon related how, in his former post in the 1990s, the present Pope did nothing about a priest who molested 200 deaf boys, etc., and even now the Vatican is doing nothing but criticize anyone who criticizes them. Jon: "For God's sake, look how sorry Domino's was just about their pizzas."

Stephen Colbert on Tiki Barber, who dumped his 8-month's-pregnant wife for a hot young blonde: "That's not the way a married man should behave, Tiki, especially when his name rhymes with 'sneaky.'"

David Letterman: "It's beautiful weather. Kids are out on the beaches collecting shells: 20mm shells, 40mm shells ..." "The economy is bouncing back, so now we can resume producing cars nobody wants." "It's allergy season, though. So if you're allergic to dust, pollen, cat hair, etc., avoid the tuna salad at the Hello Deli." "King Tut is back in New York. He died under mysterious conditions. Now they're suspecting his creepy personal physician. King Tut will be staying with Elvis in Graceland." "Saturday John McCain was seen waiting in line for an IBM Selectric." "It's the 80th birthday of the Twinkie. We have an old Twinkie here at CBS: Katie Couric." Guest Chris Rock commenting on Dave's hoarseness: "You're a rich man, Dave. You could just go home. Oh, she's still mad at you, isn't she? When the wife is mad at me I just add shows. 'Yeah, we're going on to Cleveland.'" "I was still sleepy when Tiger's press conference came on. I just saw a biracial man apologizing for sex, and I thought, 'Good Lord, the Kardashians got President Obama.' Tiger hasn't had sex since Thanksgiving. He's going to win the Masters and then rape his caddy."
Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Head on April 15: 8. "If I screw up, they go to jail, not me." 6. "Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?" 3. Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands." 1. "This would be a lot easier if I were sober."

Jay Leno: "Did you see President Obama throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game? Even President Bush did a better job. On the other hand, Obama can talk. President Obama has altered the conditions under which we'd use nuclear weapons. We'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It was elimination night on 'American Idol,' though more like mercy killings at this point." "Nike is one of the few sponsors who didn't drop Tiger after he slept with everyone." Jimmy played the new weird Nike commercial where Tiger's father talks to him. Jimmy: "That'll make you want to buy shoes, won't it?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Jon Gosselin is suing Kate for full custody of the kids, saying the time she's spending practicing for 'Dancing With the Stars' makes her an absentee mom. That's ridiculous. I've seen her on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and there's no way she's been practicing. Kate's lawyer says she loves her children. That's what her kids need, a statement from her lawyer that she loves them." "Michelle Obama was on CSPAN taking questions from viewers about her crusade against childhood obesity. Kids were calling in:'Why are you doing this to us, lady?'" "In Pennsylvania a man was arrested after he got drunk, urinated on himself and then broke into a house he thought was his. And I don't even remember going to Pennsylvania." "Since she got her new F-cup breasts, Heidi Montag can no longer jog. She tried it once and had to have another nose job."

Craig Ferguson: "A new giant lizard has been discovered in the Philippines with two penises, which explains why the gentleman lizards don't spend too much effort on their appearance. 'Yes, I'm messy and sloppy, but look at this!' The lizard hasn't been discovered before because it's very reclusive. It's the J.D. Salinger of the Philippines -- if JD Salinger were a lizard. And had two penises. Who knows what else is lurking in the Philippines. Maybe even more Baldwins, who, let's face it, are adorable. They think they're people."

Thursday, April 8

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger had a look like your dog has when you bring him home from the vet after neutering. His wife Elin wasn't there. She was on a plane to Haiti with a picture of Tiger and a live chicken."

Jon Stewart: Bombs Away, The Big Bang Treaty: President Obama signed an arms reduction treaty with Russia. Sure, it's easy to sign a treaty with a communist country you've already turned us into." Then Jon showed a portion of the treaty, followed by all the Fox News big guns claiming the treaty said just the opposite.

Stephen Colbert: "Blue Steele: Should the Republicans fire Michael Steele after his lesbian bondage fiasco, or now that he's hip-hopped the party should they firizzle him?" "On his new Nike commercial Tiger Wood's dead Dad asks him if he learned anything. Yes, he learned strippers are not good at discretion."

David Letterman in reruns.

Jay Leno: "Tiger Woods had a 69 today. No word on how he did on the golf course. Tiger had 90 bodyguards, I guess to protect him from the mistresses. The bodyguards were called The Ho Patrol. Tiger's new Nike ad has his dead father talking to him. Reebok has a different ad." Showed one of the hos reading Tiger's text messages to her. "Tiger got some great news today from Tiki Barber, who's leaving his 8-months-pregnant wife for a 23-year-old intern. Tiki said he was dumping his old wide receiver for a young tight end." "China canceled a Bob Dylan concert because his lyrics are too controversial. They can understand his lyrics?" "Too much soda can cause sexual problems in men, except for 7Up." "Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time. Now when he's tackled he can claim elder abuse." Guest Barney Frank: "I think racism is a bigger problem than homophobia, but black people don't have to tell their parents they're black."
Products That Shouldn't Merge: Uncle Ben's Rice and Ben-Gay should not produce Uncle Ben's Gay. Sesame Street and Johnny Walker should not produce Street Walker. The iPad and Flomax should not produce iPeed. A.1 Steak Sauce and Whole Foods should not produce A.Whole Foods
.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Today I did something I've never done before, I watched golf. There was no sex, just a bunch of old white guys and one guilty-looking sort-of-black guy." "Bristol Palin is campaigning against teen pregnancy while her mother's out yelling, 'Drill, baby, drill!'" Guest Martin Lawrence: "Obama is both black and white, but the white part only comes out when he dances."

Jimmy Fallon: "It hit 81 degrees in New York today, but it feels like 100 if you have Bieber Fever." "Tiger had an eagle and a birdie, and then he Snookied on the third hole." "The world's oldest man made structure was discovered in Greece, and the world's newest man made structure was found in Beverly Hills, living with her husband Spencer Pratt."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama signed an arms treaty today. Fox news said it signed by a prominent communist leader and the President of Russia. We're reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointing at each other. I thought we'd already quit that, but I guess we've still been frenemies these last few years."

Friday, April 9

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Al Queda is so strapped for cash they're getting into drugs, prostitution and adjustable-rate mortgages."

Jay Leno: "A plane towing an insulting banner about Tiger flew over the Masters. That's the way we used to Twitter." "Kids are so fat today even the ones who are home schooled complain about overcrowding." "I almost called 9-1-1 today. I saw this woman flopping around, flapping her arms. It was just Kate Gosselin practicing for 'Dancing With the Stars.'" "Hugh Hefner turned 84, and he says he may marry his 23-year-old girlfriend because she knows what he likes in bed. Guardrails." Guest Michael Kosta: "I have a friend named Penny. She's almost worthless." "I'm not gay, but I'd have sex with the ShamWow guy. Easy cleanup after."

Jimmy Fallon: "A man in Pennsylvania was arrested after he forgot and left marijuana in his kid's Elmo backpack. Elmo laughed for three hours without even being tickled." "Hugh Hefner is 84. What do you get for the guy who's had everyone?" "An openly gay 15-year-old was sent home from school for wearing an "I (Heart) Lady Gay Gay" T-shirt. In other T-shirt news, a man in India was sent to prison for a misspelling. Turns out he only roped a cow."

Craig Ferguson: "This is my director Michael's mom. I picked her out of the crowd because she looked more disappointed than the rest." "A 96-year-old man in South Africa became the oldest person to bungee jump. They're still waiting for his balls to come back up." Guest Betty White: "I'd like to congratulate you on your Peabody Award, Craig. I remember when those awards meant something." Craig: "Do you have a Peabody?" Betty: "Sure. I use it to prop up my Emmys."

Julian McCullough on Comedy Central: "The way I see it, curtains are a neighbor problem. I've seen my penis a millions times, and I'm fine with it. If the neighbors don't like it, let them buy curtains." "She stumbled into me. She was wasted. It was awesome. I was already saving money." "This old Chinese woman was about to bring a live chicken onto a bus crowded with people who weren't dressed for it. Then the bus driver told her she couldn't come on, so she whacked the chicken's head against the side of the bus until it was dead. Then three people gave her their seats because ew." "When you're too plastered to have sex your penis will still say, 'Put me in there, Coach.'" "I used to fake orgasms, because I'm a gentleman."


A high government official is murdered at a dinner at the Waldorf, and Nero Wolfe brilliantly tracks down his killer. The story is narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

"Mr. Frank Thomas Erskine, President of the National Industrial Association, with outriders, will be here at ten minutes past three."
"Satisfactory, Archie," he muttered.
Frankly, I wish I could make my heart quit doing an extra thump when Wolfe says satisfactory. It's childish.

[Wolfe cleverly tricked the NIA into begging him to solve the murder, and then tricked the police and everyone involved into coming to his house where he could grill them. Archie tells why he admires Wolfe]: Not for the gall of those telegrams. Admiring Wolfe's gall would be like admiring ice at the North Pole or green leaves in a tropical jungle.

 

Saturday, April 10

"Saturday Night Live," hosted by Tina Fey, who did this video of the Sarah Palin Network:

 

Here's Tina Fey as a teacher inappropriately in love with 16-year-old Justin Bieber

 

Here's Tina Fey as a 9-inch tall hooker. Is there nothing this woman can't do?

Kenan Thompson was made up as Tiger Woods doing the new Nike commercial. Tiger's father's voice says, "Tiger, after I'm gone, don't use me in a commercial for a sneaker after a sex scandal. But you know that."

Seth Meyers: "The iPad came out last week, with long lines of people buying things to find out what they are." "Here's an ad for nude male yoga classes. So enjoy those mats, next yoga class." "There's a new strain of gonorrhea that may be incurable. Please, no. I don't have room in my life for another 5K walk."

Joel McHale on "The Soup": "Jesse James is in a sex tape wearing a Nazi hat and giving the Nazi salute. Mel Gibson said it's the best audition tape he's ever seen." "Because of Tiger Woods the Masters has become a place of paparazzi frenzy, rather that its usual symposium on racism and gender discrimination."


A high government official is murdered at a dinner at the Waldorf, and Nero Wolfe brilliantly tracks down his killer. The story is narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

Wolfe's lips twitched, but whether with amusement or fierce indignation I couldn't tell. The way he takes an insult never depends on the insult but on how he happens to be feeling.

By a quarter past ten Inspector Cramer was about as mad as I had ever seen him, because he had long ago caught on that Wolfe was starting from scratch and had arranged the gathering for the purpose of taking in, not giving out.

She was mature and filled-out, though not actually fat and by no means run to seed, and she had been shortchanged as to nose.

Monday, April 12

Strangie to Jay Leno Headlines: "Tiger Fails to Win Masters, Blames It on Celibacy."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Two of the reasons 'Dancing with the Stars' is beating 'American Idol' are here tonight, Pamela Anderson." "Conan O'Brien has announced he will not be going to Fox. He'll be on TBS. Jay Leno announced he's also moving to TBS."

Jimmy Fallon: "Heidi and Spencer visited Camp Pendleton. The soldiers immediately requested deployment to Iraq."

Craig Ferguson: "The only kind of bacon that doesn't go straight to my ass is Kevin Bacon. Unfortunately."

Tuesday, April 13

Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Vatican is updating their policy on sexual abuse. They're now against it."

Jon Stewart: "Here's the famous clip of Sacha Baron Cohen landing taint-first on Eminem's face. I don't like my Eminems with nuts."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I got a ticket for $890 today. For parking on a meter maid."

Jimmy Fallon: "The number of female millionaires is up 40&. Some did it by hard work. Others promised Tiger they wouldn't say anything."

Craig Ferguson: "In the 1800s crabs were plentiful in Alaska. You could just go down to the beach and pick them up. They were like Kardashians."

Wednesday, April 14

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "At last the blind have their own pornographic magazine. Isn't that how you go blind in the first place? Don't expect to see Stevie Wonder for a couple of months."

Jon Stewart: John Hodgman suggested Catholic priests' loose robes be replace by button flies to slow them down, and that altar boys be replaced by altar chimps. "96% of the DNA is shared, but not the 4% attractive to priests."

Jay Leno: "There's now a porn magazine for the blind. I think it's called 'Braille Tail.' And Heidi Montag has recorded a CD for the deaf." "They're remaking 'Footloose.' This time a small town bans dancing after seeing Kate Gosselin on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" "If they could do it over, most women would marry the same man. George Clooney." Guest Tracy Morgan: "Government cheese reduces crime. You can't steal things when you're constipated."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tomorrow is tax day. Tonight is the time to make fake receipts." "Bandleader Kevin Eubanks is leaving 'The Tonight show.' He says he wants to spend more time leaning back and laughing at his family." "Larry King is divorcing for the 8th time. I'd like to see ABC make him the next Bachelor."

Jimmy Fallon: "There's now a porno magazine for blind people, who claim they only feel the articles. Cruel people are now tricking them with topographical maps." "It's going to cost $6 billions to get men to Mars. A little more if they have carryon."

Craig Ferguson: "It's National Pecan Day, those little wrinkly nuts. April 14 we recognize our nuts, and April 15 we pay our taxes to support them. Some people say pecans are an aphrodisiac, like oysters or seeing handcuffs."

Thursday, April 15

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Larry King filed for divorce this week, though he may have thought he was filing his taxes. This is divorce #8. Why do all these women want to get into his diaper?"

Jon Stewart: "The worst Dr. Seuss book is 'Green Eggs & Anal Warts.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Who hasn't filled out their census form? Raise your hands so we can count you." "The Vatican has finally forgiven the Beatles, which is why altar boys are singing 'Help.'"

Jay Leno: "There are rumors Larry King was fooling around with his wife's sister, which is why she took a 9 iron to his Rascal scooter."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's tax day, so don't forget to set your bank balance back $10,000."

Jimmy Fallon: "Kate Gosselin said moms voted for her on 'Dancing with the Stars,' but do you know her biggest demographic? The blind." "Larry King wants custody of his two sons, but they're happy in their retirement home."

Craig Ferguson: "Without taxes there'd be no public servants, no firemen. Who'd pose for my calendar?"

Friday, April 16

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "In this new comic book Arnold Schwarzenegger battles his lifelong nemesis, words."

Jay Leno: "There was a big earthquake. For the first time Heidi Montag CDs were flying off the shelves."

Jimmy Fallon: "Voters in Tennessee elected a dead man mayor. At last a politician who won't cheat on his wife."

Craig Ferguson: "Beyonce is opening a restaurant called If You Want It Put an Onion Ring on It." Guest Willie Nelson talking about his tour bus: "Well, the fuel's vegetable oil, so your tailpipe smells like French fries. Not your tailpipe personally."

Saturday, April 17

Seth Meyers on "Saturday Night Live:" "Goldman Sachs may have defrauded investors. If convicted they could make $10 billion." "The Vatican has forgiven the Beatles, which proves the Vatican is working from the bottom of the suggestion box."

Monday, April 19

Strangie to David Letterman: "The Yankees wanted to keep Kate Hudson, but her knees are shot."

Stephen Colbert: "If you make the banks wear condoms they won't be able to feel it as the f**k us over."

David Letterman: "You know the problem with the Iceland volcano, a stuck gas pedal. It's the biggest cloud ever, next to the one hanging over the Pope." "Today I was able to say, 'One senior for "Kick-Ass" please.'" "When this divorce is finalized Larry King goes on to face Liz Taylor in the finals. Evidently Larry forgot which sister he was married to."

Jay Leno: "I'm so stupid. I sent my taxes to Russia and my adopted kids to the IRS." "President Obama has canceled sending any more men to the moon, but he did put an astronaut on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" "Al Qaeda is near bankruptcy, but their top people still got million-dollar bonuses." "Sarah Palin made $12 million last year, so she was able to quit her part-time job as Governor of Alaska." "Porn star Stormy Daniels says she won't run for Senator from Louisiana. Even porn stars have certain standards."
Headlines: "For Colonoscopy, Location Matters." Weather report: "Expect 12 to 16 inches of snot." "The inn also boasts sheep for the guests to enjoy." Classified for "Free female bagel."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Did you see 'Lost' rented a volcano in Iceland. I guess they dropped too much baking soda and vinegar in it. President Obama says he hopes the volcano stops smoking soon. He suggests throwing a virgin into it. I nominate Justin Bieber." "Jesse James turns 41 today. Reservation for one?" "James Lipton asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what job he'd never want to do. Arnold said, 'Fluffer.'" "Larry King's already used up 8 of his 9 wives."

Craig Ferguson: "I like the name Iceland because it tells you what you're going to get, like Intercourse, Pennsylvania."

Tuesday, April 20

Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Administration has a solution for the Icelandic volcano problem, pour money into it."

Jay Leno: "Toyota is going to have to pay a $16 million fine. Is that enough? Even Larry King is going to have to pay more than that. Larry has a new show: 'How I Met Your Sister.'" "Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Some members are so depressed they've lost the will to die." "A surgeon cut off a man's testicle by mistake. He really dropped the ball on that one." "A Kenyan won the 114th Boston Marathon. Republicans are demanding to see his birth certificate." "Doormen in New York are going on strike. How will rich people get outside?"

David Letterman: "That volcano is the scariest thing from Iceland since Bjork in that swan outfit." "Doormen are on strike in New York, so we tenants are taking turns. All day some of them were practicing mispronouncing my name." "Now 7/11 is selling its own beer, just in time for Mother's Day." "Larry King is on his 8th divorce. He's the Octogroom."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Octomom was on 'Oprah' today and gave all her babies away."

Craig Ferguson: "The show that really should have a theme song is 'To Catch a Predator.'"

Wednesday, April 21

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Bad news for 'Star Trek' fans, Leonard Nimoy is retiring. Worse news, William Shatner isn't."

David Letterman: "The good news is that regular airline service is resuming. The bad news is that regular airline service is resuming." "King Tut is back in town, and he's still being promoted by Colonel Tom Parker. The King is hoping to rekindle his romance with Barbara Walters."

Jay Leno: "To those visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday." "The Somali pirates will be brought to the U.S. and tried by a jury of their peers, presumably from Goldman Sachs."

Craig Ferguson: "It's the Queen of England's birthday, so happy birthday, Simon Cowell." "Paper money is 80% cotton and 20% linen, like the butt cheeks of Joan Rivers."

Shane Mouss on Comedy Central: "I've been freakishly skinny all my life, because I have this hole in my butt ..." "Cartwheels are just how I roll." "She'll never let me do anything when she has her monthly visitor. But the week before it's like a going out of business sale. 'I'm Crazy Maggie and I'm giving it away!'" "I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club, and she said, 'I'll strip for you.' I said, 'Well, I guess I'll just ask my friends to come over here.'"

Thursday, April 22

Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Pope has invited thousands of priest to come to Rome to discuss their situation. Sounds fine, but the entertainment is Justin Bieber."

Stephen Colbert: "'U.S.A. Today' published a special big Earth Day pullout section. So suck it, trees."

David Letterman: "Eyjafjallajokull. That's the name of the Icelandic volcano, and it's also an eye chart." "It's Earth Day, so I'll be doing the show with absolutely no energy. Jesse James celebrated Earth Day by picking up trash. Her name was Rhonda." "Have you seen King Tut? He looks tremendous. I think he's had some work done. He's 3,000 years old, and was originally buried with his wife Joy." "Larry King has towels marked 'His' and 'Next.' Larry should have known his wife was fooling around with their sons' baseball coach when she put the on-deck circle in their bedroom."

Jay Leno: "In Iceland it's What on Earth Day. Today environmentalists risked their lives driving Priuses." "The number one reason people are rejected from the armed forces is obesity. 'An Army of One, Eating for Two.'" "Three bisexuals are suing for being kicked off a gay softball team. How can you play softball and not allow switch hitters?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Joe Biden went on 'The View' today to set a world record for Most Botox on One Couch."

Craig Ferguson: "Three bisexuals are suing for being kicked off a gay softball team for not being gay enough. Oh, those Jonas Brothers!" "It's the 40th Earth Day. Once you hit 40 your equator starts to expand, your poles start to melt, and soon you look as bad as Uranus." "Sheryl Crow says she never uses more than one square of toilet paper, which is why when she's on the show I keep hand sanitizer on my desk."

Friday, April 23

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Yesterday a man hid from police for hours up to his neck in a tank of liquid pig manure. Well, we all celebrate Earth Day in our own way."

David Letterman: "King Tut is in town. He got here in a hot tub time machine." "On this day in 1896 the first movie theater opened in New York, showing a film with Fatty Arbuckle and Goldie Hawn." "Al Pacino is playing Dr. Kevorkian, who pulled more plugs than Jay Leno."

Jay Leno: "During the financial meltdown the top guys at the SEC were spending all day watching porn, another case of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing."

Monday, April 26

Strangie to David Letterman: "All the world champion New York Yankees were invited to the White House, except Kate Hudson. If the Yankees were in Arizona they'd be deported."

Jon Stewart: "Law & Border: It turns out Arizona is the meth lab of lawmaking." Wyatt Cenac: "Arizona police are looking for people acting suspiciously, like gardening, or burping white people's babies."

Stephen Colbert: "Is Arizona's new immigration law racist? Not if you're the right race."

David Letterman: "There's a new movie about Dr. Death, Dr. Kevorkian. It's called 'Hot Tub Death Machine.'" "Eliot Spitzer says he wants to get back to what he does best. And he'd also like to return to politics." "President Bush isn't done with his memoirs, but he's already put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign. He says he discusses all his mistakes and failures. This is going to be a long book."

Jay Leno: "Turns out SEC stands for Sexual Exchange Commission. Most of their top people were watching internet porn while only a few were watching Goldman Sachs screw the country. Going through security today, the head of Goldman Sachs was asked to empty his pockets. Five Republican Senators fell out." "Rich people in Arizona are going to have to start raising their own children. Today a group of Native Americans pulled over some white guys and demanded to see their papers." "We needed a new $100 bill because China has all the old ones." "What do women call it when a surgeon accidentally cuts off a man's testicle? Brain surgery."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's Post-It's birthday. Before Post-Its if you wanted to stick something to your refrigerator you had to use boogers." "I'm excited just to hear President Bush pronounce 'memoirs.'" "At the height of the meltdown 33 top SEC employees were caught with their Sachs out."

Jimmy Fallon: "A 94-year-old woman is graduating from Mills College. When asked her plans, she said, 'I'll move back in with the 'rents.' When she has a gentleman caller she hangs one of her support hose on the doorknob." "Two news anchors are honeymooning. If you go by their suite don't be surprised to hear, 'This just in.'" "Saturday a guy threw a drink on 'Jersey Shore's' Snooki. That's bad. You're not supposed to get leather wet."

Tuesday, April 27

Strangie to David Letterman: "In George Bush's upcoming memoirs, 'Decision Point,' he tells about 14 major decisions, including moving Jay to 10 p.m. He's busy revising the manuscript. His computer screen is covered with Wite-Out."

Jon Stewart: "The only Goldman Sachs employee specifically named in the indictment calls himself The Fabulous Fab. So he's already picked out his prison nickname." Samantha Bee about the SEC top officials spending most of the work day watching porn: "The SEC could quit hiring 14-year-old boys to regulate the financial industry."

David Letterman: "Casey Kasem turns 78 today, up one spot from last year." "There's a new movie about Eliot Spitzer, and he does his own stunts." "Arizona's new immigration law isn't aimed at Mexicans. Not at all. They had a squad out today looking for Dutch people. John McCain supported the bill, and he's an immigrant himself, came over on the Mayflower."

Jay Leno: "Stephen Hawking believes we shouldn't try to contact aliens, because they could turn out to be very angry beings, especially if they're from Arizona. Arizona wants to drive aliens back across the border to their homeland, Los Angeles." "Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today. Crooks always return to the scene of the crime." "President Obama wants to fund a supersonic missile that could deliver its payload anywhere on Earth in under an hour. It's a joint project between the Department of Defense and Domino's Pizza." "Now they've come up with interactive health exams where a doctor looks at you online. 'Bend over and insert your iPhone.'" "A woman in England got a terrible migraine and then woke up speaking with a Chinese accent. And she got 800 on the math portion of her SATs."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Larry King's wife got suspicious when her sister showed up smelling of Metamucil and mothballs." To The Bachelor Jake Pavelka, who just got kicked off "Dancing with the Stars:" "Was it hard to be on a reality show with someone you weren't sleeping with this time?"

Jimmy Fallon: "A dog spa is opening in New York, with facials and manicures. Male dogs are saying, 'While you're at it, why don't you just cut off ... Oh my God!'" "A 15-year-old has been accepted by Harvard, MIT and Cal Tech. He's still hoping to be accepted by his first choice, girls."


A high government official is murdered at a dinner at the Waldorf, and Nero Wolfe brilliantly tracks down his killer. The story is narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

It seemed to me that in some respects she must have been unsatisfactory as a confidential secretary. A man's secretary is always moving around, taking and bringing papers, ushering in callers and out again, sitting down and standing up, and if there is a constant temptation to watch how she moves it is hard to get any work done.

"Between the police and the FBI, I have answered a thousand questions a thousand times each and I needed a rest."
[Wolfe]: "But you came with Mr. Goodwin."
"Certainly. Any girl who needed a rest would go anywhere with Mr. Goodwin, because she wouldn't have to use her mind."

I had phoned the Homicide Squad office to make sure that Cramer would be on hand, to avoid having to deal with Lieutenant Rowcliffe, whose murder I hoped to help investigate some day.

Wednesday, April 28

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Should psychedelic drugs be used as medicine? Well, they weren't called The Grateful Healthy."

Jon Stewart: "Appholes: We don't endorse products on this show, though I occasionally mention Baconnaise, usually to say it tastes like my tongue took a s**t in my mouth. But I do like Apple products, so I was excited when Gizmodo.com got hold of a misplaced prototype and gave us the details of the new iPhone months before its release. Then I find Apple got a warrant, and police bashed in the Gizmodo guy's front door while he was at dinner, even though he'd already returned the phone to them. Listen, Microsoft was supposed to be the evil one, but now you're bashing down doors in Palo Alto while Commandant Gates is curing malaria around the world. Apple, why don't you bash down the door of AT&T? They're the ones who make your iPhone impossible to use as a phone." "Michael Steele, African-American Chairman of the Republican National Committee, said the Republicans hadn't given African-Americans any reason to vote for them." Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore: "Republicans picked Michael Steele to show Americans that a black man can't lead, like they picked George Bush to prove government is inept."

David Letterman: "Bush's memoir is called 'Decision Points.' I think I've made a decision not to buy it. When he was asked if he used a ghost writer Bush said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" "How many of you are here at the show tonight because you're running from the Arizona police?" "Goldman Sachs is accused of fraudulently earning $2 billion. Bernie Madoff said, 'Well, it's a start.'" "Today is Jay Leno's 60th birthday, and he's very unhappy. He wants Conan's birthday. His friends threw him a party where they played Pin the Chin on the Donkey."

Jay Leno: "In Arizona hundreds of Mexicans have already been stopped, and that's just in one van." "An oil slick as big as Rhode Island? Isn't that called New Jersey?" "A study found the five most stressful jobs: 5. Police officer 4. Surgeon 3. Kate Gosselin's dance partner 2. Arizona Wal-Mart manager 1. Muslim cartoonist." "An Australian sperm bank is paying $700 a donation. You can make money hand over fist." "Larry King and his wife are going to therapy, so he's had to postpone his next wedding."

Jimmy Fallon: "Happy birthday to Jay Leno. NBC gave him a cake, but then they took it back before he blew out the candles. Then they gave it to another guy, but then took it back and gave it to Jay."


A high government official is murdered at a dinner at the Waldorf, and Nero Wolfe brilliantly tracks down his killer. The story is narrated by Wolfe's studly assistant Archie Goodwin.

No man whose initials were not A.G. could have done better, but ...

The meal took even longer than usual, which is to be expected when Wolfe is completely at a loss. He uses up energy keeping thoughts out and trying to keep me quiet, and that makes him eat more.

As I pushed the phone back I had a notion that a gleam of self-congratulation might be visible in my eyes, so I didn't turn immediately to face Wolfe but found papers on my desk that needed attention. After a moment he muttered: "This evening would have been better."
I counted ten. Then, still without turning, I said distinctly, "My dear sir, try getting her to meet YOU any time whatever, even at Tiffany's to try things on."
He chuckled. Before long he chuckled again. Finding that irritating, I went up to my room and kept busy until dinnertime, straightening up.

Thursday, April 29

Strangie to David Letterman: "Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how's that offshore drillin' workin' for ya? Luckily the oil spill is being diluted by the melting ice caps."

Stephen Colbert: "Ecological disaster just off our coastline. Yes, a floating wind farm. The last big air spill almost destroyed New Orleans. Oh yes, and there's an oil spill in the Gulf. It's like the whole cast of 'Jersey Shore' went swimming all at once."

David Letterman: "Do you watch 'The Mentalist'? The guy has such heightened powers of observation that he can tell the difference between Goldman Sachs executives who are lying crooks and those who are lying weasels." "Arizona says there are 12 million illegal aliens in this country, unless you ask a Native American. They put the figure at 300 million." "The same people who operate the Muppets also operate Regis. Regis is very sentimental. Today he took out his wallet and showed me a picture of his money."

Jay Leno: "The oil companies say they'll clean up that huge oil spill, and if you've ever seen a gas station restroom ..." "You know how all the top guys at the SEC were spending most of their time watching porn? Not one of them has been fired. Yes, they got off again." "The Mayor of San Francisco wants to boycott Arizona, which is devastating news for gay rodeos." "George Bush's memoirs are called 'Decision Point,' because when there was a decision to be made he'd point to Dick Cheney." "One third of women said their pets were better listeners than their husbands. But after sex men are better at rolling over and playing dead." "An Australian sperm bank is importing American sperm at $700 a vial. And they say we can no longer produce things by hand." Jay asked guest Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Do you think you'll go back to acting ..., er, being in movies?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "L.A. is the smoggiest city in the U.S. Take that, Hell." "This big spill in the Gulf proves that we must end our dependence on domestic oil. Let countries that hate us do the drilling. If they have a spill, great."

Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards' mistress was on Oprah, who told the audience, 'Look under your seats. Everyone goes home with SOMEBODY ELSE'S HUSBAND!' Next week John Edwards will go on her show to talk about his own love affair, with John Edwards." "A panda at the Washington, D.C. zoo has been faking her pregnancy. They've got to quit letting the pandas watch Lifetime."


A high government official is murdered at a dinner at the Waldorf, and Nero Wolfe brilliantly tracks down his killer. The story is narrated by Wolfe's studly assistant Archie Goodwin.

"And yet," I told her, "you must have had your share of staring before this happened. You're not actually unsightly."
"No?" She didn't try to smile. "How do you know? The way I look now."
I inspected her. "It's a bad time to judge," I admitted. "Your eyes are puffy and you've been clamping your jaw so much that your chin juts. But still there's enough to go by for an estimate. The cheekbone curve is very nice, and the temples and forehead are way above average. The hair, of course, has not been affected at all. Seeing you from behind on the sidewalk, one man out of three would walk faster to get a look at you from the side or the front."
"Oh? And the other two?"

Wolfe sighed deep. A casual glance at his bulk might have given the impression that he was placid again, but to my experienced eye, seeing that he was tapping the arm of his chair with his middle finger, it was evident that there was still plenty of turmoil.

The widow's voice got away from her. She gave it up and gulped, sat without trying to go on, and gulped again. If she lost control completely and started noises and tears there was no telling what Wolfe would do. He might even have tried to act human, which would have been an awful strain on all of us.

Anyhow I was telling the truth, and since I'm not very good at telling the truth I couldn't very well expect him to believe me.

Friday, April 30

Strangie to David Letterman: "The nightmare on Elm Street is now foreclosures."

David Letterman: "Regis is an older guy with a spacy sidekick. It's like a Republican ticket." "I had to take my cousin to my prom, and I don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me." "Stephen Hawking says if you contact space aliens, next thing you know they'll be colonizing Planet Earth. Didn't Starbucks already do that? I talked with a space alien once, right here on the show." [Showed a photo of his interview with Joaquin Phoenix.] "George Washington was the only President who didn't blame his problems on the former administration. Next came his idiot son, George W. Washington." " Guest Mike Birbiglia: "I'm in a women's exercise class. I've given up on a masculine body and am going for strong, confident woman."
Top 10 Other Revelations in the Laura Bush Book: 9. As a little girl dreamed of one day marrying America's worst President. 7. Thought she was marrying Jeb. 1. Keeps the "mission Accomplished" banner above the bed.

Jay Leno: "This oil spill is a huge disaster. In fact, the Iceland volcano said, 'You win.' This spill is the worst drilling accident since John Edwards got his mistress pregnant. She went on 'Oprah' and said that when he first saw her naked photo in 'GQ' he probably said, 'Put your pants on.' If he'd really said that he'd be Vice President today." "In its top 100 important people 'Time Magazine' included both Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. Evidently two wrongs can make it on the Right." "Porn star Jenna Jameson filed domestic abuse charges. He found out that before they met she'd had sex with a lot of guys, and he has it all on tape."

Jimmy Fallon: "Very low sales for Kate Gosselin's book, possibly because of a phrase on the cover: 'Written by Kate Gosselin.'" "A new law in Georgia says people in pickup trucks must wear seatbelts, and their beers must be in cupholders."

Craig: "I tease the audience with my chickeny smell." "It's Arbor Day. I didn't plant a tree, but I did drop a log in the forest." "There's a new 'Nightmare on Elm Street.' Freddy Kruger kills people in their dreams. Can you do that, kill people in their dreams? You can have your dreams killed. It happens to me here every night."

Joel McHale on "The Soup": "Kevin Jonas says the Jonas Brothers tour will be like going to summer camp. There's no place to masturbate, and when you get home your parents are divorcing."


Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2005

Sherlock Holmes and his equally brilliant wife Mary Russell are in San Francisco in the 1920s, solving mystery and murder in her past. (As a child of six she'd been in the 1906 earthquake and fire. At fourteen she was the sole survivor of a car crash that killed her parents and brother.) Mary Russell narrates.

Japan had been freezing, the wind that sliced through its famous cherry trees scattering flakes of ice in place of spring blossoms. We had set down there for nearly three weeks, after a peremptory telegram from its emperor had reached us in Hong Kong; people kept insisting that the countryside would be lovely in May.

Since leaving England in January, we had marked the ten-year anniversary of our meeting and the third year of marriage. I was content in ways I had not thought possible, well matched mentally and -- despite the [40-year] difference in our ages, despite the regular clash of our personalities, and despite the leering innuendo of Sigmund Freud -- well suited physically, to a man who interested my intellect, challenged my spirit, and roused my passions.

It is a characteristic difficulty of shipboard life that one cannot escape an interrogator or a boor for long. It is particularly true when one is sharing rooms with one's interrogator.

A rhythmic clang, a rumble of heavy iron wheels, the slap and whir of the underground cable: That most distinctive of San Francisco entities, a cable-car, rumbled up Powell Street, its warning bell ringing merrily as it neared Post.

 

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