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America's Best Zingers April 2009
Created by our top Zingermasters, delivered by our TV friends
Collected by Strange de Jim
Week 1 winner: Dave Letterman guest Andy Kindler: "Facebook is a wonderful way to reconnect with people you've been avoiding for years."
Week 2 winner: Stephen Colbert: "Let everyone else give up their nuclear weapons first. We can be trusted, because we're the only ones who've used them."
Week 3 winner: Dave Letterman: "George W. Bush is now in his ninth year of not being President."
Week 4 winner: Craig Ferguson: "I'm for cloning, and I can tell you why in three words: more Jonas Brothers."
Week 5 winner:Dave Letterman guest Carol Leifer: "I'm a late-breaking lesbian. I waited so long to be sure. I didn't want to pull an Anne Heche, take the car back to the dealer, 'Sorry, I find I do prefer a stick.'"
Neil Patrick Harris as Barney on How I Met Your Mother: "Too old? Laser tag knows no age limit, like stripping in the Midwest."
Daily Show: Title for piece on auto industry: "Carmageddon '09, Lemon Aid." Title: "Budget: The Ever Spending Story." Jon Stewart on scary budget news: "How many testicles do I have, and should I be able to taste them?"
Jay Leno: "The CEO of GM was forced to resign. The last time Obama fired someone it took months and months, and he still had to make her Secretary of State. The head of a company losing millions was fired by a government losing trillions." "We're bailing out the banks, the car industry ... There's even a box you can check on your tax return if you want part of your money to go to actually running the government." "China want a new world currency. They want to replace the gold standard with the lead standard." "Two priests in Florida were arrested for stealing $8,000,000 and spending it on real estate and girlfriends. The Archdiocese said, 'Whew, girlfriends.'" "Vin Diesel is on the show. He's gone eco-friendly. Now he's Vin Bio-Diesel. Less emissions." " in New York there's now kosher tequila. I guess that means circumcised worms." "A big bird crashed through a car's windshield. You know what bird kills the most people? The fried chicken." "Two female designers have created a computer game where the object is to lose your virginity. I hope it isn't Donkey Kong 3." "A man tried to kill his mother with an antitank missile and then a machine gun, and missed both times. He was mad because she'd called him a loser who never succeeded at anything." "The economy's so bad, a bird in the hand is now worth only one in the bush." Headlines: Ad: "Anthony's cleaners has been working on the same spot for 15 years." Ad: "Fish and salad, all you can't eat."
Dave Letterman: "This is my last night. The White House has asked me to step down. The President told the head of GM to take a hike, and he'll be replaced by Jimmy Fallon. Rick Wagner then hopped on his private jet and flew it to the unemployment office." "I didn't realize the economy was so bad until this morning, when they closed down the Starbucks in my living room." "I'm entering my second week as a married man, but I'm a little concerned about my wife. She's not getting along with the other wives in the compound." "Warren Beatty's 72 today. He's at that age when the doctor says, 'Yes, it is right for you.' He still chases women. He just can't remember why." "Last night the audience was as quiet as a General Motors showroom." "Economy's so bad I saw a hooker in Times Square with a sign, 'No payments for 12 months.'" "Two weeks into this marriage, this morning my wife was switching my Lipitor with Tic-Tacs." "President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He's going to ask her if she wants America back." "It's April Fool's Day. Bush has only been out of office ten weeks, and he already has his own holiday." "The new cigarette tax is so high no one can afford them. After sex, Madonna is passing out mints." "The British Prime Minister asked Obama if he plays darts, and Obama said, 'Sure, how do you think I picked my cabinet?'" "Obama met Queen Elizabeth, and they shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. It was just like my honeymoon." "The Feds took over Bernie Madoff's place in Palm Beach, Casa del Ponzi. They're after everything. Today they even towed away Ruth." "The Guiding Light has been canceled after 72 years. It's the longest running soap opera, if you don't count Jennifer Aniston's personal problems." "The economy's so bad, over at St. Patrick's Cathedral they're watering down the holy water." "They paid the head of GM $20,000,000 to step down. I thought, hey, we should have tried that on Bush." "Week three of the Letterman marriage, and still no government bailout. I guess it's going okay. Last night my wife offered me the 10 p.m. slot. I have a brand new brother-in-law. I think his name is Cash, because that's how I'm always making out the checks." "My retirement fund has lost so much money it's now a 401-K-Mart." "They're making a Three Stooges movie, and Sean Penn is going to play Larry. Did they even look at my audition tape?" Tony Mendez, Dave's cue card guy was dragged off by two burly men in suits. Dave said Tony was being adopted by Madonna. Guest Andy Kindler: "Facebook is a wonderful way to reconnect with people you've been avoiding for years."
Top ten signs your wife is having an affair with Bernie Madoff: She often comes home smelling "Madoffy." Keep finding electronic monitoring bracelets under the bed. She told you she wants a divorce in 150 years. The orange jumpsuit mixed in with your dry cleaning. She complains about your "small returns." Previously cheated on you with the CEOs of Tyco, Worldcom and Enron. Tells you, "I'm going out for a conjugal... I mean, to the store." When someone on the news mentions getting screwed by Madoff, your wife says, "Tell me about it." She keeps getting bouquets of roses from inmate #61727-054. Somehow bought a $2 million dollar necklace on a teacher's salary.
Top Ten Little Known Facts About Queen Elizabeth II: From 1978 to 1980, was the center square on Hollywood Squares. Holds weekly talks with her United States counterpart, Queen Latifah. On Facebook lists her romantic status as "it's complicated." Her middle name: Beyonce. Worked her way up to Queen after starting in Buckingham Palace mailroom. Throws left, bats right. Considered a master of the five-fingered clawhammer banjo technique. Takes her afternoon tea with two sugar cubes and a splash of malt liquor. Constantly walking up to horses and saying, "Charles?" Sold iPod Obama gave her for a quick three bills.
Jimmy Fallon: "Skype is now available on iPhones. At last, a way to make phone calls on a phone." "The Obamas gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod with 40 Broadway songs on it. They should know all Queens don't like show tunes." Guest Nick Thune: "I just found out this morning my grandfather's hearing has aids." "Those mint Lifesavers don't work if you're diabetic." "I have a black belt in holding my pants up." "I just got green balls so I can green teabag people."
Craig Ferguson: "MTV's starting to show actual music videos again. And Fox News is going to start reporting actual news." "Prince Charles is excited about the visit because President Obama is the only man with ears as big as his. 'Oh, let's go listen to things!'" "George Michael and the London Underground are very different. One's been ridden by thousands and occasionally breaks down, and the other's the London Underground." "By the way, Meatball Bush is the name I used to dance under. For an extra twenty bucks I'd throw in a sausage." "Michelle Obama got into trouble for touching Queen Elizabeth. The Queen's like a stripper. You can look, but you can't touch. Unless you take her into the Champagne Room." "TV soap opera The Guiding Light has been canceled after 72 years. Or has it?" Guest Steven Wright: "Baby diary: 'Day 1 - Still tired from the move.' 'Day 2 - Everybody treats me like I'm an idiot.'"
Seth Meyers on SNL: "Michelle Obama wore an outfit from J. Crew, and it immediately sold out. Now if we could only get her photographed in a Chrysler." "This week is the annual Testicle Festival, featuring 400 pounds of bull testicles. Said one bull, 'Feel free to play with your food.'" "In golf news, a man in West Virginia shot two holes-in-one in a row. His wife said, 'Oh, is that a lot?'"
Jay Leno: "It was more than just Michelle Obama touching Queen Elizabeth's back. Michelle then tried to feed a carrot to Camilla." "Obama told Kim Jong Il, 'Look out. You saw what happened to the head of General Motors." "The economy's so bad, instead of Viagra, guys are using popsicle sticks and duct tape."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Two thousand years from now, all of human life will be traced back to three families: the Madonnas, Octomoms and Jolie-Pitts."
Jimmy Fallon: "A number you called to get a free box of cereal turned out to be a sex line. Get Lucky Charms? Frosted Mini-Teats? Really Fruity Pebbles? Cream of Meat? Grape Nuts stays the same."
Craig Ferguson: "The federal government certainly wouldn't team up with criminals! Except when they bailed out Wall Street."
Jon Stewart: Title: "Queer Eye Hawkeyes" "Iowa? We're all familiar with the gayness that gathers around the periphery, because we all know gay people evolved from dolphins ..." Vermont gay marriage approval: "I now pronounce you Ben & Jerry," with a pint of "Chubby Hubbies." Jon noted hilarity had been caused by the name of one commentator, Prof. Douglas Laycock. "Oh, that's perfect! Tell Sodomy J. Balltickle his services are no longer needed." Title: "Bad Korea Move, North Korea Missile Test, Let's do launch." Guest Michael J. Fox has a new book Always Looking Up. Jon: "I appreciate the title, because I too suffer from shortness." [James Bond graphics] "00Bama, International Man of History." Distressed correspondent Wyat Sinac: "Oh God, we're going to die! Tell Aasif's wife I love her!" Correspondent Jason Jones reporting on sex among senior citizens in Florida: "I learned one thing, why our grandparents cover their furniture in plastic."
Stephen Colbert: "Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben can finally propose to Jerry." Story on the networks losing viewers; "Must Flee TV." Guest Queen Noor was there to promote Global Zero, abolishment of nuclear weapons. Stephen: "Let everyone else give up their nuclear weapons first. We can be trusted, because we're the only ones who've used them." Queen Noor made Stephen sign the Global Zero petition, and then she knighted him. Stephen: "Phil Bronstein will discuss the death of the newspaper. My question, where will they print the obituary? Mr. Bronstein, you're with the San Francisco Chronicle, which I understand is printed on rolling paper." Stephen on his upcoming trip to the Persian Gulf: "I admit I'm Dubai curious."
30 Rock: Male comedy writer about to be fired: "I can't go back to teaching high school math. Those girls claim they're not women yet, but they are!"
John Mulaney on Comedy Central told how he and a friend went into a crowded diner and put money in the jukebox for 21 songs. They punched in Tom Jones' "What's Up Pussycat" 7 times, then a single "It's Not Unusual," and 13 more "What's Up Pussycats." "The jukebox got unplugged after 11 plays, and that was the best meal I ever had."
Ron White on Comedy Central: "I find monogamy a comfort, because she knows what I like, and I know what she won't do."
Madonna in Sex: "I don't think you have to have a language in common with someone to have sexual rapport. But it helps if the language you don't understand is Italian."
Jay Leno: "The Navy Seal marksmen hit the pirates without hitting the captive, or the parrots on the pirates' shoulders. The Somali pirates are just untrained teenagers with deadly weapons, or, in our country, rap stars." "Bo is a Portuguese water dog, but Fox News reported him as a Muslim socialist. And don't confuse him with Dick Cheney's waterboarding dog." "Those who work for Obama are busy preparing their tax returns -- for 1999, 2000 ..." "The economy is so bad the Octomom had to hide her own eggs this Easter. For $5 M.C. Hammer will let you touch this. The economy's so bad Paris Hilton had to declare skankruptcy." "A woman who climbed into their cage was bitten by two polar bears, so now she's bipolar." "Gay marriage has been legalized, so finally there's something to do in Iowa." "Today in L.A. Republicans held a grande decaf latte decaf tea party." Jay showed a Somali pirate being tortured by questions from the ladies on The View. "New York has a project to attract gay tourists. It's called Broadway." "Dionne Warwick owes $2.2 million in back taxes. Too bad she didn't have a group of psychic friends who could have warned her she was in trouble." "A guy in Russia was operated on for what they thought was a lung tumor, and it turned out to be a little fir tree. He's recovering, but isn't out of the woods yet." "Pamela Anderson's engaged to a scuba diver, and he's engaged to a flotation device."
Dave Letterman: "Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. The kids found 1,500 eggs, 92 weapons and 3 bodies. Kids are great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out looking for bin Laden." "For the Obama kids they picked three breeds of dogs, and two were eliminated because of tax problems. The dog and Joe Biden are working out who brings in the morning paper. A dog's nice. I don't think there's been anything under the desk in the Oval Office licking the President since ..." "Mel Gibson's wife is blaming the divorce on infidelity. He's blaming it on the Jews." "Bo Obama's not housebroken yet. Today he left an even bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." "NBC is doing a reality show starring disgraced Illinois governor Rob Blagoyovech. This is the same network that didn't want me." "Rush Limbaugh's dog says it hopes President Obama's dog fails." "Today in New York it was 53 and gloomy, just like Mel Gibson." On this day in 1912 the Titanic sank. And a more recent collision with an iceberg was my wedding night." "Pam Anderson's been lucky enough to find the love of her life four times so far. The new guy's a scuba diver, which will come in handy if he falls in." "The Octomom has trademarked the name 'Octomom.' Hey, and what about 'Breeder's Cup?' And the Octomom condoms aren't selling." "New Archbishop at St. Patrick's Cathedral. And guess what, girls, he's single!" "Warning to tourists, never hail a cab that's flying the Somalian skull and crossbones." "Is it too soon to start hitting on Mel Gibson's wife? She may get half a billion. Mel, if you had a Jewish lawyer, you'd have a prenup." "Instead of an Easter egg hunt on Sunday my wife hid all my heart pills." "The old Yankee Stadium is going to be imploded, and then they're going to sell the pieces to collectors. Same thing they're going to do to Regis." "The allergy season is so bad, when you go to funerals they have a sneeze-guard over the body. Allergies come and go. Up to a few weeks ago I was allergic to marriage. Actually, I'm trying to find a state that will ban straight marriage." "Bernie Madoff had his first conjugal visit today with his wife Ruth. He introduced her to his other wife Walt." "George W. Bush is now in his ninth year of not being President." "Bo the White House dog has not made any messes, not chewed any furniture. So already he's ahead of Dick Cheney." Guest Joe Wong: "I'm no good at sports, but I love to parallel park, because the worse you are, the more people are rooting for you." "I used to be scared of marriage, because 50% of marriages end up lasting forever."
Jimmy Fallon: "Miley Cyrus' movie was a huge success, so Billy Ray will get his allowance increased." "A man in Maine stole a 66-year-old bicycle from an 82-year-old woman, so police just looked for a bicycle with a huge front wheel and little back wheel." "Phil Spector's prison record just went platinum." "Mel Gibson's wife filed for divorce after 28 years on the grounds that, damn, I'm just too old for this." "Ah, baseball. I still remember my first syringe."
Craig Ferguson: "Phil Spector was sentenced to 18 years and his hairdresser to 20. His wig was found guilty of grand theft poodle." "There's going to be a press conference with the new White House dog. What's he going to say? 'I did not have sex with that man's leg.'" "Scientists have created an artificial anus, to be marketed under the name I Can't Believe It's Not Butt." "Now that relations with Cuba are warming, what if Fidel Castro visited San Francisco's Castro district? He'd say, 'Glad I brought my artificial anus.'" "I don't like Cuban cigars. Bill Clinton ruined them for me." "I lied on my tax return. Under occupation I put 'entertainer.'" "Today thousands of Republicans who oppose gay marriage got together for a little teabagging." "The governor of Texas wants to secede rather than pay taxes. I think he's been pounded in the head with too much teabagging. We've had four Presidents from Texas -- Eisenhower, Johnson, and the two Bushes. The last three, incidentally, make up the title of a movie I once did." "The movie's called 17 Again, and it's about an older man inside a younger man's body."
The Daily Show: "Bobama is the first openly gay White House dog, because you remember Checkers didn't come out until Nixon was out of office, in his book Even Doghouses Have Closets, and then King Me: Checkers in His Own Words."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The blind guy got eliminated on American Idol and went back to his old job driving a school bus." "If you're a dog you can end up in the White House, or crushed between a pack of cigarettes and a condom in Paris Hilton's purse." "Oprah used Twitter for the first time today, so finally she has a way to get her message out there. Ashton Kutcher and Larry King had a contest to see who could get a million twitters first. In real life they're friends. Their wives are the same age." Jimmy had a countdown to his show's switch to HD, and when they faded back in he'd been replaced by John Stamos wearing the same suit. Guest Dane Cook: "A cop pulled me over, and I was a little bit nervous, because I did have a dead body in the trunk."
Stephen Colbert: "It's tax day, so you have 25 minutes left to declare yourself a sovereign Indian nation." "If we legalize gay marriage it nullifies my marriage, because I only got married to taunt gay people."
Dave Letterman: "It's spring in New York. Today I went to Central Park and saw a little old lady feeding the pigeons. To her pit bull." "George Steinbrenner has ordered the Yankees back on steroids." "When I heard Madonna was bounced off her horse I said, 'Oh God, I hope this doesn't mean another hip replacement.' Fortunately the fall was cushioned by her money." "That Somali guy thinks he's a pirate? Wait 'til he gets the bill for his New York legal team. In jail, though, he did get to meet one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." "People were surprised Madonna was thrown from a horse, because usually she's pretty good clinging to a bucking stud." "In honor of Earth Day, tonight we're recycling last year's Earth Day jokes. And I'm proud to say that here in the Ed Sullivan Theater all our rats are free-range." "Tomorrow the Somali pirate's going to ring the opening bell at the N.Y. Stock Exchange. Monday he'll be on the 'Today Show' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream,' and Monday night he'll be sleeping with Madonna." "Eliot Spitzer, the guy with the prostitute problem, may run for governor again in 2010. He says he's looking forward to spending less time with his family. He was excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash." "Lindsay Lohan announced she's dating men again. She just got tired hanging out at cigar clubs with Rosie O'Donnell." "Lindsay Lohan is not dating women anymore. Welcome to the club." "Two out of three New Yorkers want Eliot Spitzer back as governor. I guess two out of three New Yorkers are hookers." "Saturday the Somali pirate is hosting 'Saturday Night Live.' Monday he's hijacking the Staten Island Ferry. Right now he's in jail, and the guards caught him hijacking himself." "I was so unpopular in high school that to the prom I had to take the town tramp. But the guy was grateful for the hot meal." "Are you excited about Barbra Streisand's birthday. You're probably gay." "Madame Tussaud's has the best collection of wax figures outside 'The View.'" "Pamela Anderson's getting married for the fourth time. The guy's a scuba diver, so he knows how to salvage wrecks. Last night he fell in and had to be rescued by Navy Seals." "Yesterday was Bring Your Kid to Work Day. I brought my son for the first time, and it was so cute. I let him fire a writer. Our cab driver had her daughter with her, and the little dear gave us the finger. I asked Harry if he'd like to go again, and he said to let him know when I get the 10 p.m. slot." "The earliest hyenas did not laugh. They just pointed and said, 'Good one.'" "Kelly Ripa has to reintroduce herself to Regis every morning." To guest Michael Keaton: "How did you break your foot?" Michael Keaton: "It was just a silly accident not worth discussing." Dave: "It says here there's a clip." The clip was Anderson Cooper explaining how Michael had broken his foot rescuing twelve kids from a burning orphanage. Dave asked Michael about movies: "Aren't you tired of Martians and things blowing up?" Michael: "Not if there's Twittering." Guest Nathan Lane: "I'm as giddy as Joaquin Phoenix with a ball-point pen and a blank prescription pad." "I'm like Martha Stewart, but not as butch." "Congratulations on your marriage. Now Harry can call you Daddy and Mommy with perfect conviction." "I don't like to say rotunda. It was my nickname in high school." "In the new 'Star Trek' I didn't get the part I wanted, Karl, the Needy Klingon."
Jay Leno: "A poll found that 75% of Texans don't want to secede. They made all that effort to sneak across the border, why would they want to leave?" "In the Miss USA contest, Miss California said she opposed gay marriage. Today she's learning what it's like to do her own hair and make-up." "Heidi Klum and Seal are going to have another baby Seal." [Jay showed a clip of Miss California saying she opposed gay marriage, with Jay and bandleader Kevin in the audience in identical sweaters, holding hands.] "So hot today I was sweating like Miss California at a Gay Pride Parade. Mel Gibson visited his wife just to enjoy the cold shoulder." "The New York Times won five Pulitzers. I read about it online." The economy's so bad new British singing sensation Susan Boyle had to make a sex tape." "Scientists have found a drug to erase memories in animals. Gerbils are lining up around the block." "That Somali pirate has only been in New York one day, and already he has his cabbie license." "Rudy Giuliani says he's against gay marriage. Marriage should be between a man and a woman, and then the woman he meets, and then the woman he meets after that."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Today was Bring Your Kid to Where You Used to Work Day." Jimmy showed a clip of Ty Pennington yelling to his crew, "Everybody back on the bus! Let's get out of here! We razed the wrong house!" Jimmy showed a photo of Heidi and Spencer from "The Hills" posing with Rob Blagoyevitch: "That's how I'm going to be greeted in Hell."
Jimmy Fallon: "The worst city in which to find employment? Circuit City." "The 113th Boston Marathon was run today. People train all year to get up early, drink beer and yell at runners." "One out of ten kids is addicted to video games. What they need is Rehab. It's a great game." "Heidi and Spencer of 'The Hills' are getting married this weekend. If you want to send a present they're registered at Bed Bath and Beyond Shameless." "Dog the Bounty Hunter was injured. Poor Dog. He has to wear one of those cone collars." "It's Arbor Day, and you know trees are going to use that as an excuse to dress like sluts."
Craig Ferguson: "Madonna was injured in a fall. Never ride a horse in a pointy bra." "Scientists are now blaming global warming on fat people. Now that's an inconvenient truth for Al Gore, isn't it?" "Some bloggers are actually legitimate journalists, but it's hard to know which are real. Like boobies." "I'm for cloning, and I can tell you why in three words: more Jonas Brothers." "Jay Leno was rushed to the hospital for food poisoning, but he's going to be okay. So chin up, Jay." "Michael Jackson's limo was in an accident. Michael's face suffered $1,000,000 in improvements." "Today is Shakespeare's birthday. I prefer the modern versions of his plays, by which I mean porno: 'King Rear,' 'Julius Seize Her,' 'Touch a Dude About Nothing' ..." "George W. Bush is going to debate Bill Clinton. I know! It's The Alienator vs. The Predator." Guest Eddie Izzard: "I've perhaps been to even more places in Scotland than you have." Craig: "Really? Have you been to jail in Scotland?"
Stephen Colbert: "I've always been against organic food. If I want to ingest something a hippie picked I'll eat an autoharp."
Jon Stewart: "You think we're going to adopt a one-world currency? We can't even switch to the metric system."
Chelsea Handler: "During the Pope's televised speech the station accidentally showed a commercial for 'Girls Gone Wild,' which then experienced record sales."
"The Soup:" Clip from "Desperate Housewives" of dead Edie lying on the ground saying, "I died as I lived." Joel McHale: "On your back?"
Ron White "Behavioral Problems" on Comedy Central: "There are a lot of reasons you don't want a ferret in your ass. They're not like gerbils. They have fangs and claws." "I bought my wife breast implants for her birthday, and I admit I do like playing with those things. I haven't given them to her yet." "My wife and I were going at it when the housekeeper walked in, which is way better than the other way around." "We invented a sexual position I call The Lazy Dog. You go at it doggie style, and then, both together (and this is the important part) fall over." "Before we were married she told me she was anal, and I went, 'Great!' Turns out there are two kinds of anal. She said, 'Ron, I'm not going to strap that thing on.' Why? I'd bought the top-of-the-line Brokeback 2000."
Spike Feresten: "It's spring in L.A. The transvestites are moving their bulges an hour ahead."
"The Daily Show": On swine flu: "Snoutbreak '09, The Last 100 Days." Jon Stewart: "It started in Mexico where the #1 cause of death is bullet flu, an airborne virus." Headline about Air Force One buzzing Manhattan for a photo op: "Mistakes on a Plane." Jon: "Arlen Specter said he wanted to be clear, ideology and integrity had nothing to do with his decision. It was pure politics." Jon showed a clip of Sen. Arlen Specter saying, "I don't expect everyone to agree with all my votes. I don't agree with all of them myself."
Stephen Colbert on swine flu: "Days of Swine & Roses." "Republican Senator Arlen Specter has contracted Donkey Flu. The very white cells weren't able to fight it off." "I'd suggest home schooling, but these days who has a home?" Stephen described the Supreme Court decision allowing a strip search at school of a young girl, with a clip of a Justice saying that in the locker room at school, kids had sometimes slipped things into his underpants. Stephen: "Usually ones, but if he really shook that thing, maybe a fiver."
Jay Leno: He'd missed work for the first time in 17 years. A clip showed him leaving the hospital in a wheelchair, holding nine babies. Jay: "I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico. I had horrible dreams in the hospital, felt like I was suffocating. I woke up to find Conan O'Brien holding a pillow over my face." "Swine flu apparently was passed from pigs to humans by Match.com. Swine flu came either from pigs or AIG execs." "George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are going to debate in Canada the question, 'Is it better to get in bed with Big Oil or Big Women?'" "The economy's so bad the duo Big and Rich are now Down and Out. Jack Nicholson is being forced to date women his own age." "A poll showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex, and 78% while men are driving. In both cases it's, 'Slow down, You're going the wrong way.'" "The Mexican flu is Sicko de Mayo. Today a guy held up a liquor store with just three strips of bacon." "Senator Arlen Specter is the first Republican to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig." "As you may know, I was in the hospital last week. I had an erection lasting more than four hours." "KFC is now offering healthy grilled chicken, to go along with the mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits and macaroni and cheese." "In their Canadian debate Bush will talk about Big Oil, and Bill Clinton will talk about the virtues of petroleum jelly." "Someone on e-bay is selling a bottle opener made of a kangaroo scrotum. Talk about a gift that's really from Down Under!" "You know who's scared about the swine flu? Kevin Bacon. The virus is a combination of pig, bird and human, sort of like a hot dog." "For 46 years Arlen Specter lied out of the right side of his mouth, and now he has to lie out of the left side." "In Ohio a chief of police was caught in a parked car masturbating with another man. Is that a carjacking? He got arrested for taking the law into his own hands." "Justice Souter is retiring. You know who's going to replace him? Conan. Let's just hope the President is better at picking a Justice than the Justices were at picking a President." "The economy's so bad Wolverine is moonlighting doing circumcisions." "Miss California says homosexuality is a choice that develops over time -- like stupidity." "In these new G-rated Amish romance novels the only thing erected is a barn." "A couple in England got married while running a marathon. Then he finished WAY ahead of her." Guest Jimmy Fallon did a song about a guy who spits when he talks: "Your friends talk behind your back because it's the only dry place." Headlines: Story about Edgar Allen Pie, ad for Turdo Wine, ad "Let ass clean your house for you."
Dave Letterman: "What a day, 86 and sultry, just like Barbara Walters." "GM is phasing out Pontiac. In the back seat of a Pontiac was the first time I 'got lucky.' It'd be a better story if I'd had a date." President Obama played golf this weekend and got caught in a deep sand trap. Same thing happened to Bush. It's called Iraq. Obama enjoyed playing a round of golf. President Clinton just enjoyed playing around. Obama missed a couple of putts. Speaking of which, anybody heard anything about Bush and Cheney?" "You folks in the balcony be careful, you may be buzzed by Air Force One." "George W. Bush spent his first hundred days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." "Mel Gibson's wife is divorcing him because his girlfriend is pregnant. Mel's still trying to figure out how to blame this on the Jews." "Welcome to 'The Late Show.' It's the Pontiac of comedy." "Bernie Madoff turned 71 today. It's his first birthday in prison, 149 more to go. All the guys got together and tapped out 'Happy Birthday' on the pipes, and Bernie had a romantic dinner with his new wife Walt." "President Obama's approval rating is 68%. Of course that was before he decided to attack New York with Air Force One." "His first hundred days, and he's already gotten Arlen Specter and Lindsay Lohan to switch parties. Actually, Arlen Specter switched parties because the GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding." "For a little fun in the bedroom, wear your swine flu masks. It looks like it's going to be a pandemic, so be sure to sterilize your pan. To Joe Biden let me say this, the New York subways weren't safe BEFORE the swine flu." "I was on People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People list, right between Arlen Specter and Susan Boyle. Arlen Specter left the Republican Party. That's like resigning from Chrysler. For me it would be cool if I could just get my Mom to switch from Leno." "The government's announced the Air Force One Hometown Terror Tour, flying low over your city soon." "I had to take my cousin to my prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me." "Crime is way down in New York. It's been months since I've had to cut my way out of a sack and swim to shore." "Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Do you find it hard to take seriously a superhero who hosted the Tony Awards? In the movie we learn all about his origins. For instance, he started in the mail room." "The Kentucky Derby is the most exciting two minutes in sports. That and an Alex Rodriguez blood test. The Derby winner usually gets put out to stud. It's the same as being Governor of New York." "'American Idol' judge Paula Abdul says this will be her last season under contract. Also her last season under a contestant." Guest Jim Norton: "My girlfriend is ultra-ultraliberal, which I guess is normal for an eighteen-year-old." "In New York on a scale of physical shape for men it goes Ryker's Island prisoners and gay men." Guest Carol Leifer, author of "When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win." "I'm a late-breaking lesbian. I was 40, divorced, childless, and realized there was one more way to piss off my parents. It didn't work. My father said he was more disappointed when I married that idiot. I waited so long to be sure. I didn't want to pull an Anne Heche, take the car back to the dealer, 'Sorry, I find I do prefer a stick.'"
Jimmy Kimmel showed a photo of a retired George W. Bush on his boat "Fishin' Accomplished." "Chrysler was founded by Walter Chrysler and his brother Jesus H. Chrysler."
Craig Ferguson: "Doctors say the recession is causing more men to have vasectomies. Then their nuts can apply for unemployment compensation." "Since you're watching this show you obviously can't afford basic cable." Swine flu: "Snout of Control, The Pigopalypse." "The Supreme Court said the government can continue to crack down on swearing on TV. In fact, I don't think I can even say 'crack down.'" "Today is Bernie Madoff's birthday. What do you get for a guy who stole everything?" "Obama turned Arlen Specter into a Democrat. Now can he switch Rush Limbaugh to a Democrat, or turn Ann Coulter into a woman?" "If 25 years ago someone had told you the balance of power in the Senate would hinge on Al Franken ..." "During this flu epidemic Joe Biden should wash his foot before he puts it in his mouth." "On May Day they used to sacrifice a virgin. April 30 must have been a great day for a guy to get lucky." "Mel Gibson went to the 'Wolverine' premiere with his girlfriend. I don't think he understands the concept good p.r." "The Marilyn Monroe impersonator is actually a woman. I found that out the hard way."
"30 Rock": Kenneth the page described how pets could turn vicious: "She bit off my nutsack, which I kept tied around my waist to feed squirrels." Liz Lemon: "Do you treat me any differently because I'm a woman?" Jack: "Well, I pay you a little less, yes."
Joel McHale of "The Soup": "At Heidi and Spencer's wedding the Devil was a no-show. He had to take care of some business in Mexico."
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