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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
|Jay Leno reported our mayor is in trouble
again, this time for pretending to have oral sex with a microphone. "In
San Francisco that's called pandering to the voters."
The clip is at http://iteamblog.abc7news.com. I had to click on "play" twice to get it to work.
Jay Leno on P. Diddy having tantric sex for 30 hours straight: "P. Diddy has never kept the same name for 30 hours straight. His new name is Busta Groin." On "Headlines" Jay had a for sale ad for an "Antique arousel Horse," and an ad with a picture of a woman saying, "Now I know what to do the next time my parents die."
On Conan comedian Brian Kiley said, "My first
girlfriend was one quarter Navajo and three quarters regular ho."
"As we were driving home from the mall I noticed my son was eating a candy bar. I knew I hadn't bought it for him, and he didn't have any money, so I turned around, and we went right back to the mall, only this time to a jewelry store."
"Someone stole this guy's identity and ran up thousands of dollars in charges on his credit cars. Like what happened when I got married."
"I had to take my 10-year-old daughter to a Justin Timberlake concert, because my wife wouldn't go, and I didn't want to go alone again."
Jay Leno: "Palm Springs just concluded Lesbian Spring Break. The big event? The wet lumberjack shirt contest." And more on P. Diddy: "He would have lasted longer, but he ran out of other women to fantasize about."
Craig Fergusen: "Why did they freeze Ted Williams' head? He didn't play ball with his head. It's like freeaing Pamela Anderson's feet."
Jay Leno: "Do you know what you're supposed
to do if you're attacked by a shark?"
Kevin Eubanks: "Run!"
Jay Leno: "Iran was afraid if they didn't
give the British sailors back, Nancy Pelosi might visit them." Jay also
commented, "Who thought the British sailors would be let go before Sanjaya?"
Jay showed one of the gift bags the Iranians gave the captives, including a
tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Hummus and a Goats Gone Wild video. He
explained Sanjaya's success: "Sanjaya is from India. India has all our
call centers." Also, "Rudy Giuliani says marriage should be between
a man and a woman, no matter how many tries it takes."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Easter is the day when Jesus rolled back the rock and saw his shadow, and we had six more weeks of Sanjaya."
David Spade called an irate guy "bi-furious."
Conan O'Brien had celebrities completing sentences. "To really communicate with your children you have to ... Brad Pitt said, 'Speak Swahili.' To avoid crowds I stay away from ... Paris Hilton said, 'My vagina.'" Conan also said: "Baseball seasons underway. Last night San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds hit his first home run of the season. Bonds hit a solo shot to left field, but not before taking a solo shot to the left butt cheek."
Craig Ferguson: "Charles Simonyi became the
latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. Hes Martha Stewarts
boyfriend, this guy. If I was Martha Stewarts boyfriend Id be going
too. Wasn't it Lance Bass who was going to go into space? Then he just came
out of the closet instead. Just as fabulous and the clothes are better."
"I just hope the machine gun leg in Grindhouse doesn't give Heather Mills any ideas."
Craig called oysters "a little shell of phlegm."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Only eight episodes of The Sopranos left, so after that well have to get all of our televised violence from The View.
Britisher John Oliver of The Daily Show on the wimpy captured British sailors: "If Gandhi had known we were such pushovers, he could have been eating all the time."
Aasif Mandvi of The Daily Show on bargains in Baghdad: "You hear about the bombs but not the savings. Life is cheap here, but rugs are even cheaper."
Jay Leno on a man suing his surgeon for removing the wrong testicle: "So if you're a surgeon, keep your eye on the ball." In "Headlines" there was a grocery ad for "Country Cock Spread."
Larry Gilmore of The Daily Show on the Don Imus scandal pointed out that the white members of the girls basketball team weren't nappy headed. Jon Stewart: "He also called them hos." Larry: "That was just an effort to be inclusive."
Jay Leno: "We now have a winner in the Anna Nicole Spermstakes. And Zsa Zsa's husband Prince Ahole is now claiming to be the grandfather."
Conan O'Brien: "Paris Hilton wants to shut down a web site that claims she has an STD. Unfortunately, the site if that of the Center for Disease Control."
Rob Riggle of The Daily Show: "He thought he was Howard K. Sperm, but he was Howard KY Stern, because he just got reamed."
Wanda Sykes on Jay Leno: "Reporters have been calling me for comments on Don Imus. Since when have I become the spokesperson for nappy headed hos? Imus has one of those faces that looks like it belongs on an obituary."
Jennifer Lopez made a guest appearance on American
Conan O'Brien: "So for once Ryan Seacrest wasn't the biggest ass on the show."
Craig Ferguson: "So for once Simon Cowell wasn't the biggest ass on the show."
Fabio appeared on Conan, picking him up in his
arms after the monologue and carrying him back to his desk. Conan: "So
what did you think of the monologue?"
Margarine spokesman Fabio: "I can't believe it's not better."
Randy on My Name Is Earl: "People who
do meth shouldn't make meth. It's always the second batch that blows."
David Letterman: "A Northwest pilot locked himself in the bathroom and started shouting obscenities at the passengers. It's just like my wedding night."
Jay Leno: "Disney has opened up Fairy Tale Weddings to gay couples. At last Sneezy and Grumpy don't have to live a lie. And Space Mountain is now Brokeback Mountain."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Snoop got 800 hours community service, and in Dogg years, that's a lot."
Craig Ferguson: "Imus is already working on a new show, The Amazing Racist."
Joel McHale: "First I'd like to apologize for what I called the Rutgers men's wrestling team."
Jay Leno on power outages in L.A.: "Doctors were doing breast implants by candlelight." And, "Do we need frozen sperm? Is there a shortage of fresh squeezed?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Don Imus was replaced by Sanj-imus. The ridiculous hat covers up the ridiculous hair."
Rodney Carrington: "You can scare a big sombitch with a little pecker."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "It's official. The Durham prosecutor raped three Duke lacrosse players." Also, "Sex abuse claims against Catholic priests are down, proving that fewer children are going to church."
David Letterman: "If I were Don Imus, I wouldn't be saying anything about other people's hair."
Craig Ferguson: "Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked what was the price of a gallon of milk. That's the question that shows you know the common people. That doesn't bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq?" Also, "Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you're depressed . . . red car means you're angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road."
Craig Ferguson: "Disneyland has announced they're now allowing same-sex couples to have their fantasy weddings in their theme parks. Finally, Buzz Lightyear doesn't have to hide his love for Woody anymore."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The Bahamian court decreed that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Anna Nicole Smith's 7-month-old daughter. Upon hearing the news, a jubilant Larry Birkhead scooped baby Dannielynn up and locked her in a nearby safety deposit box."
Rob Riggle on The Daily Show reported on
a transgender fired in Florida who says he will be better off when he's the
correct gender. "If only the nation's problems could be solved so easily."
Then he showed a map of the U.S. with scissors coming out to snip off Florida.
Jimmy Kimmel: "America has been cured of its long bout of Sanjayarrhea. Sanjaya's long reign of terrible is over. He proved that if you just believe in yourself you can annoy millions of people."
Stephen Colbert headed the report on John Edwards' $400 haircuts "Edwards Scissorshead."
David Letterman: "We had so much rain that today the Statue of Liberty was holding up her skirt."
Jay Leno: "Funeral directors are complaining we're getting so fat that people won't fit into crematoriums. It seems it's just as hard to burn fat after we're dead." Also, "Scientists have found a way for women to produce their own sperm. Is there a need for that when men are happy to provide free delivery and free installation?" On Richard Gere causing outrage by kissing an actress in India. "Public displays of affection are considered taboo in Indiaand by Mrs. Gere."
Jay Leno: "I filed my taxes online this year. You ever do that? Big mistake. I got so confused I hit the wrong button and sent the IRS some porn. A lot of people asked for extensions this year. Even President Bush. Because he's still trying to decide whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales."
David Letterman: "It was so wet today that Barry Bonds tested positive for mildew." Also, "Regis, you know, had what turned out to be a triple bypass surgery, and the same guys who did my surgery also did Regis' surgery. They're tremendous. And you really don't feel much pain because they go in through your wallet.
Jay Leno: "Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks."
Jay Leno: "In a speech Sunday, before a church
group, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said that he is going to make San Francisco
a sanctuary for illegal immigrants so they can go there and not worry about
being deported to their home country of Los Angeles."
Conan O'Brien: "Former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreeveys ex-wife says in her new book that McGreevey is not really homosexual. McGreevey was furious and said, 'How many guys do you have to screw to get your wife to call you gay?' In my experience, eight."
Craig Ferguson: " Ive heard rumors that Rosie might replace Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right. You can never know, because Bob Barker anoints his successor. Everybody knows that. He picks his successor by biting them on the neck."
Dave Letterman: "Regis Philbin, after his triple bypass surgery, is a changed man. As a matter of fact, I watched his nurse change him backstage."
Jay Leno: "The most sexually satisfied people on earth are the Austrians. Explains all that yodeling."
Old Christine: "I put my comfy underwear on one leg at a time, just like ... actually, this morning I put two legs in the same hole, but that's just because I was driving at the time."
Charlie Sheen: "I was drunk. He was taped, tucked and gorgeous."
Berta on Two and a Half Men when she thinks Alan came out: "Good for you, Zippy. The world's a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion."
Dave Letterman: "Guess who wasn't invited to Earth Day. Pluto."
Jay Leno "Headlines": "Man beats off cougar with bare hands," and, "Earl learned of his enlarged prostate only after his wife's prodding."
Dave Letterman: "Sanjaya's a little too comfortable here. I don't think he wanted to leave." Paul Shaeffer: "Where's he got to go?"
Jay Leno: "Women can now buy sperm over the internet. Kev, you ever thought of turning your hobby into a home business?"
Steven Wright: "When you see a guy in a supermarket parking lot pushing about thirty carts, yell, 'Hey, other people might want to use those!'"
Dave Letterman: "Bush's trip to New York was successful. He got Rosie to step down."
David Spade on the Chris Rock paternity suit: "So far the only evidence is that the kid's name is Chris, and everybody hates him." And, "If you Google the band be careful how you spell 'posse.' You could get lost for days."
On David Spade's show Bill Maher said about all the videos supposedly of Britney giving oral sex to K-Fed: "I know, and David Spade can tell you, that isn't Kevin Federline's penis."
Dave Letterman: "I lease conjugal trailers to prisoners."
Jay Leno: "Cheryl Crow says teenage girls should only stuff their bras with one square of toilet paper." Also, "Russell Simmons wants rappers to stop using 'bitch' and 'ho.' No more love songs." And, "There were almost 5,000,000 votes against Heather Mills on Dancing with the Stars, all from Paul McCartney."
Derek Jeter doing a top ten on Letterman: "Remember when I was out because I pulled a hamstring? I really had Streisand tickets," and, "So I'm not bothered by fans I check into hotels as 'David Letterman.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "When Regis came back on his show after his triple bypass they should have had Kathy Lee sitting there and convinced him the last six years were a dream."
When Dave Letterman announced Steve Martin he didn't appear, and the camera found him in his dressing room with a hot male stripper. Dave: "What are you doing, Steve?" Steve: "Just killing time."
Steve Martin: "At our age all our long-term goals become short-term goals." When he was in Europe at a fancy party he introduced himself, "I'm Steve Martin." "I'm Elizabeth." "Elizabeth who?" "Elizabeth of Austria."
Craig Ferguson: "How can a self-respecting photographer have the police arrest Hugh Grant? If you're strong enough to hold a camera, you can fight Hugh Grant. If you can hold a camera phone. If you can hold a conversation ..."
Masi of Heroes on Conan O'Brien told of meeting his hero George Takai who said to him in Japanese, "I have watched your progress and you're getting very big." In Japanese the word for "progress" sounds like the word for "penis."
Mo Mandell on Craig Ferguson: "Parents, don't smoke weed in front of your kids. It spoils weed for them."
Jay Leno: "There's a new sex theme park in London. The most popular ride, the mary go down."
Late-Night Host Products
|Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.|
Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
Amazon's Current Top Humor Books
Amazon.com's Top Stand-Up Comic DVDs
© 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 by Ash-Kar Press