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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

1999

Jay Leno Monday night "Headlines:" Classified ad: "Free: 1 pair of aggressive black convicts." Car Dealer named "Rich Hoare" A restaurant called "My Mom's Pasties" A menu offering "Bowel Soup"

David Letterman described a rodeo with "a competition to see who can stay on Cher longest."

Jon Stewart wonders how many novels Steven King wrote in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Adam Sandler on David Letterman: "I read in the paper I have a fiance, but I don't." He does have a girlfriend, who's 8 years younger. "When she was 5 and learning to read, I was 13 and learning to read."

Craig Kilborn described a new device to wake sleepy drivers. "The old device was the car crash."

David Letterman says Hillary Clinton lacks the experience needed to become a U.S. Senator. "Even most of her duties as First Lady were taken care of by interns.

Dave's Top 10 Broadway Shows That Never Won Tony Awards:
7. Guys and Inflatable Dolls
5. Bring in Da Goose, Bring in Da Fabio
4. Annie Get Your Gun Before Rosie O'Donnell Yells at You
2. Lion King II: The Warthog Who Shagged Me
1. Living Evita Loca

Dave's Top 10 Things People Hate More Than Star Wars' Jar Jar Binks:
7. His wife, Hillary Rodham Binks.

2. Anyone besides Austin Powers who uses the phrase, "Yeah, baby!"

Dave's Top 10 Casino Slogans:
7. Come play video poker the traditional Native American way.
6. Now only 98% Mafia run.
4. You could be the next Mrs. Trump.
3. Financial ruin + Wayne Newton = Fun!
2. From the moment a mediocre ex-heavyweight greets you at the door to the moment a weeping hooker bids you farewell, we'll take good care of you.
1. We can't spell "Sucker!" without "u."

Dave's Top 10 Least Inspirational Things for a Coach to Say at Halftime:
10. If you don't mind, I'm going to leave now to beat the traffic.

Jay Leno: "In a poll 60% of the women said they couldn't reach orgasm unless they were in a specific position. Do you know what that position is?" Kevin Eubanks: "No." Jay: "I didn't think so."

David Letterman's Top 10 Things a Man Is Thinking as He's Being Gored by a Bull:
9. "This is still better than hearing that Cher song again."
4. "I think I'm living a vida that's a little too loca."

Top 10 Least Inspirational Patriotic Songs:
4. "Hooray for the Red, White and Blue Things Floating in My Belgian Coke."

Top 10 Hillary Clinton Internet Screen Names
10. Soon2BeSingle
7. 2Powerful2Go2Jail
6. BiteMeTipper
5. Mad@bill.com
1.Secrets2China

David Letterman's Top 10 Things Dave's Kitty Would Say if it Could Talk:
9. "Can't we watch Nightline for a change?"
7. "When you wear your leather collar we look like twins."
5. "I am not a hand puppet."
4. "You look like something I should be covering with sand."
3. "Please stop suction-cupping me to your car window."
1. "I'm spayed. What's your excuse?"

Monica Lewinsky just had a birthday. David Letterman says Bill Clinton went to the party dressed as a candle.

Dave Letterman: "It's so hot in New York that for an extra $50, the hookers, God bless 'em, will blow on you. Dave also says it's so hot Hillary Clinton has taken a dip in the polls. Bill Maher says it's so hot Republican Congressmen are going into gay bars just for the cold stares.

On the air Jay Leno called the A.A.R.P. (American Association of Retired People) and bought a membership for Mick Jagger.

Jay Leno Monday Night Headlines: I loved an ad for a "white trash compacter," a story about Success Magazine filing for bankruptcy, and a classified, "Lost phone number of woman who cleans my apartment in her underwear."

Craig Kilborn on Monica Lewinsky's car accident: "No other car was involved, leading investigators to believe she may have blown a tire." "She hadn't been drinking, but she did bring the breathalyzer to orgasm." "Doctors say she'll be back on her knees in no time."

Jay Leno adds, "Monica was so frightened she stained her own dress." While the Chron's Scott Ostler is surprised Monica wasn't driving a Hummer.

Tom Arnold on Dave Letterman, speaking of his new divorce troubles, "My second wife still wants half of half of Roseanne's money."

Dave Letterman: "The Clintons are passionate again. That makes Hillary Jane Doe #8." Clinton thinks it's nice having sex with a woman he doesn't have to pay hush money. Their new marital passion started when Bill came home and found Hillary in nothing but a beret. Dave says there are so many dead guys on the subway these days it's starting to smell like a cab. George Miller told Dave he thinks Richard Simmons was shaken a lot as a child. "He's a little chubby for a diet guy, but lately he's dropped three dress sizes."

Comedian Dave Attell says sparklers are "the gay cousins of the fireworks family."

On Conan O'Brien, Gene Pampa suggests coming out of friends' bathrooms complaining, "Man, your toothbrush tastes weird." Gene says he still doesn't eat grapes out of sympathy for the migrant farm workers, and he doesn't eat raisins out of respect for the older migrant farm workers.

Jay Leno says the last sound you hear as Al Gore falls into bed is, "Timber!"

Conan O'Brien on slow bus service: "New Yorkers don't take the bus for speed. They take it to get felt up."

David Letterman: "Clinton's going to name his new house Disgraceland. It has two stories. Married to Clinton, Hillary's used to two stories."

Craig Kilborn: "They're opening The Overused Phrase Museum. Don't even go there."

Jay Leno mentioned Dolly Parton's Jug Band and then gave alternate titles for The Monica Lewinsky Story: Stain Man, Free Willy, Forrest Hump. South Pork, Mouth Park, Dances with Crotches, The World According to Gulp and Diddler on the Roof. And as long as we're in poor taste, Jon Stewart mentioned "having your granny lick chocolate off a dildo."

David Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 Common Responses to the Question, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
6. "What part of Regis Philbin would I have to touch?"

Top 10 Signs the Guy You're Watching Isn't the Real Dalai Lama
9. Dedicates his first chant "to all the super-fine ladies in the house."
7. He's in a steel cage wrestling a guy dressed like the Pope.

Top 10 Signs Your Local 7-Eleven Manager Has Gone Nuts
6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet he gives you service.

Top 10 Signs You're Watching a Cheap Horror Movie
2. Scenes of the witch are just footage from Hillary's listening tour.

Jon Stewart on the big American Airlines cocaine bust: "Pilot to coke-pilot."

*****

Jay Leno on sex positions listed in Cosmo: "The Clinton: The man's on top, and the wife's out of town."

*****

Greg Proops: "Animals have two functions in today's society—to be delicious and to fit well."

Chris Rocked 9/9/99 as host of the MTV Music Video Awards from the Metropolitan Opera House in New York, delivering some of the pithiest introductions ever seen on tv:

"Take off your thinking cap and lower your standards. It's Kid Rock."

"In her family she's the normal one. Here's Janet Jackson."

"I'm tired of Ricky Martin. 'La Vida Loca' for six months. Ricky needs a new hit. Ricky needs a hit like a crackhead needs a hit."

"My next presenter has a black wife. Give it up for David Bowie." (David Bowie: "Thank you, Chris. Yo.")

"She's a feminist icon, and he loves Bush."

"She's got 17 years behind her, and he's got 17" in front of him."

"Here's the rich man's Skeet Aldritch, Johnny Depp."

"What the hell is he doin' here? Give it up for Regis Philbin."

"I'm afraid to make jokes about him. He might fake beat me up. Stone Cold Steve Austin."

"He's a great comedian, and their film's a joke. Buddy Hackett and the kids from Blair Witch Project." (Earlier Chris said, "That film cost $65,000. Where the hell did the money go? Some guy's walkin' around with $64,000)

"These next two ladies really can blow."

"Here are two beautiful models and someone to read the teleprompter for them."

Dave Letterman on the MTV Awards: "Puff Daddy got a Lifetime Achievement Award for banging Jennifer Lopez."

Dave also said the new giant Viacom-CBS merger is "a great opportunity for CBS to get into the entertainment business."

 

Late Night Comments on Miss America:

Regarding the new rules (now being rescinded) for Miss America contestants:

Jon Stewart: "Miss America contestants can now be divorced or have abortions, but not on-stage."

Dave Letterman: "And for the contest, oral sex is now considered a talent."

Jay Leno: "What better revenge on a guy who divorced you than to become Miss America?"

Craig Kilborn: "With the new relaxed rules, at last New Jersey can have a contestant in the pageant. And this year, Miss Montana's skill is that she has the clap."

Dame Edna Everage was on Regis and Kathie Lee this week, promoting Dame Edna's Royal Tour, now on Broadway. Dame Edna complimented Regis on his "lovely state of preservation," and plugged her Friends of the Prostate Organization and the Dame Edna Prostate Olympics 2000. She revealed that since her husband Norm died of a urological explosion, she's had offers of marriage from Gore Vidal, Quentin Crisp, Prince Rainier and Donald Trump. Which reminds me, Craig Kilborn says Donald Trump is running for President, and, instead of Contract with America, is publishing Pre-Nup with America.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Hurricane Floyd was the biggest evacuation in the United States since the federal government moved the Indians to Heaven."

Then Jon told guests Donnie and Marie he thought they were married with seven children.

*****

David Letterman:

"Monica Lewinsky is going to law school. Just when you thought she couldn't sink any lower. She'll be like Ally McBeal with an appetite."

Dave on the premiere of West Wing: "Martin Sheen is the President; Rob Lowe is the Press Secretary; and Hulk Hogan plays Janet Reno."

Guest Robin Williams remarked about Hillary Clinton, "Running for Senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas."

Guest Norm Macdonald complained, "Now you're mad at me because of what I said about your testicles." (Don't ask.)

Bill Maher on Diana Ross being arrested for assaulting the airport security guard who was searching her too intimately: "The security gurard touched her breast. Unfortunately, it was while she was inspecting Diana's belt." David Letterman commented, "I don't know what Diana Ross was complaining about. I have to pay good money to get frisked like that."

Conan O'Brien:

"Kathie Lee's workers in South America work 11 hours a day, 6 days a week for 60 cents an hour. Regis says, 'Yes, but they don't have to work with Kathie Lee.'"

"Did you read about the 17-year-old Amish guy who got drunk and ran his buggy into a police car? Luckily no one was killed. He could have faced the non-electric chair."

"Baywatch is celebrating its 10th anniversary. When they started out, you could buy a pair of implants for a nickel."

"God Save the Queens" was Jon Stewart's Daily Show report on the British court decision ending discrimination against gays in the military. Jon reported their don't ask, don't tell as, "If you shall be so good as not to inquire, I will be reticent about my proclivities."

[I don't see what all the fuss is about anyway. I've always enjoyed discharging gays in the military.]

*****

Daily Show guest Richard Lewis watched zebras mate on the Discovery Channel to see if a zebra erection looks like a barber pole.

David Letterman on the annual White House Prayer Breakfast: "Just what we need, more people kneeling in the Oval Office."

The Late Show had several goof-ups. Dave shrugged, "We'll make the show better as soon as people start watching."

*****

Martin Short on violinist Joshua Bell, who in school was both a nerd and an athlete: "He used to beat himself up at recess."

Jon Stewart:

"MCI buys Sprint. World rejoices over one less call during dinner."

"A book by Vincent Price's daughter revealed he was a Nazi sympathizer, leading thousands of readers to exclaim, 'How did he ever have a daughter?'" Jon added, "Vincent may very well have liked both the pit and the pendulum."

Commenting on Garth Brooks pretending to be young fictional rocker Chris Gains, Jon called Chris "Garth's Alter Egomaniac."

On President Clinton advocating dismantling of nuclear facilities: "Clinton saw the dismantling of his own nuclear family."

In a segment called "Tower-Climbing Topless Fire-Breathing Transexual," a topless transexual climbed a giant power tower and blew a big blast of fire from his/her mouth, causing a blackout over a wide area.

*****

David Letterman:

(On baseball) "If Texas wins, New York sends a ton of Nathan's hot dogs to Texas. If New York wins, Hillary has to run for the Senate from Texas."

Ex-Vice-President Dan Quayle sat down in the guest chair, looked at Dave and announced, "I'm here for my apology." On candidate Bill Bradley, Quayle commented, "If you think Al Gore's boring, just wait."

Lily Tomlin revealed that when she's on tour, she calls all the Tomlins in the local phone book. Not only has she never found a relative, she's never even found anyone planning to see her show.

Conan O'Brien:

"If Donald Trump is elected President, he'll require the country to sign a pre-inaugural agreement."

Guest Steven Wright wondered what would have been different if he'd been born a day earlier. "Maybe nothing, except I'd have asked this question yesterday." He also commented, "Performing comedy in a foreign country is exhilarating and nerve-wracking, like going to a hooker." Conan's sidekick Andy Richter added, "With the same potential for being laughed at."

*****

On Norm the bank closed Norm Macdonald's account and sent him a photo of all the tellers giving him the finger.

*****

Comedian Will Durst:

"Pat Buchanan doesn't believe in evolution. Ironically, he's his own best argument."

"People are actually worried about the effect of medical marijuana on the terminally ill."

"Americans love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial free."

*****

Comedienne Karen Ripley claims she and her male roomie mixed up their nicotine and testosterone patches. "He got cranky and hungry. I got a raise and a corner office."

In her Friday appearance on Hollywood Squares, Dame Edna Everage was asked, "The first step in making your bedroom more romantic is to remove what?" Dame Edna guessed, "Your mother-in-law," then reached into the next square and poked Whoopi Godlberg with a six-foot gladiolus.

Joke of de Week—Jay Leno, commenting on a young beauty marrying an elderly billionaire: "The whole marriage is a farce. The only thing they have in common is that they both grew up listening to the Rolling Stones."

*****

David Letterman:

"Al Gore's so dull he could put a Starbuck's to sleep."

"Poor Michael Jackson. First the divorce, and then he got the crap beaten out of him at Heathrow when he was mistaken for Diana Ross."

*****

Robin Williams on Freud: "If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

Craig Kilborn:

On Donald Trump and Jesse Ventura running for President and V-P: "Scum and Dumber."

"Hillary Clinton's in Iceland having the ice water in her veins changed."

Reporting on Monica Lewinsky's dad's complaint to NBC that one of its shows had called oral sex "getting a Lewinsky," Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live claimed NBC "told Mr. Lewinsky to go George Michael himself."

Colin also reported on Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche wanting to get married in Vermont if same-sex marriages become legal. "Until then, they're keeping their fingers crossed. Which has enhanced their sex life."

Finally, Colin mentioned protesting French chefs throwing eggs at the Paris police. "The police retaliated by putting ketchup on them."

*****

David Letterman:

On Donald Trump's candidacy: "Finally, a President who knows when to get out of a bad marriage."

Conan O'Brien:

"On his failed marriage Michael Jackson said, 'We tried to make it work. We even went to a fake-marriage counselor.'"

"In the Basic Instinct sequel the Sharon Stone part will be played by a leg model and a small otter."

Jon Stewart:

"In Pakistan Gen. Musharraf overthrew Nawaz Sharif, who hasn't been seen for a week, leading to speculation he may have been killed. Musharraf says maybe he shot Sharif, but vehemently denies killing the deputy."

"Yo-Yo Ma, the cellist so nice they named him twice, was asked how he could have left a $2.5 million cello in a taxi after a concert at Carnegie Hall. He replied, 'Practice.'"

In a segment entitled "Liddy Sings the Blues," Jon reported that "Elizabeth Dole has ended her campaign to become the first nonfellatable President."

The segment on the Klan's plan to march in New York was entitled, "Sheet Storm."

Daily Show reporter Beth Littleford claimed, "Michael Jackson is shaving his beard—divorcing with Debby."

Jay Leno:

"Michael Jackson gets custody of the kids. They'd rather stay with the Ramseys."

"Hillary Clinton was at a dinner for rappers. They call her Queen Subpoena and her husband Snoop Doggy Style."

"In Fight Club Brad Pitt gets punched out by a guy who paid $7.50 to see Meet Joe Black."

"When Monica Lewinsky's father complained about NBC calling oral sex 'getting a Lewinsky', B.J. Thomas sighed to Mr. Lewinsky, 'Tell me about it.'")

"I'm sad about Elizabeth Dole quitting her campaign. Better a President in a dress than on a dress." Then, wondering what Elizabeth and Bob would be doing now, Jay showed a big Viagra truck backing up to the Dole residence.

"A study has found that gay men, on the average, have substantially larger organs than straight men. You know what that means? Oh my God, I'm gay!" Bandleader Kevin Eubanks interjected, "You think you're gay!"

Guest George Carlin told Jay he was planning to give trick or treaters vitamin B-12 shots instead of candy.

Jon Stewart's Daily Show wins for best segment titles:

"Pills Bury Doughboys" (Gulf War Syndrome may be caused by nerve gas pill.)

"Free Wooly" ("A wooly mammoth was found frozen in its entirety, leading scientists to suspect it wasn't wooly enough.")

*****

Jay Leno:

"Heidi Fleiss has filed for bankruptcy. It's not the first time she's gone belly-up."

"A study has shown that gay men have much larger sex organs than straight men. Now that Gay Pride Parade makes a lot more sense."

*****

Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live:

"Monica Lewinsky has lost thirty pounds. Yeah, when she was heavier, the only man she could get was the leader of the free world."

"When Bill Clinton was asked what he'd miss most about being President, he replied, "You know what."

David Letterman:

Guest Bob Sarlatte claimed, "In New York ever rainbow has an empty pot of gold at the end with a chalk outline of a dead leprechaun."

*****

At Jerry Stiller's N.Y. Friar's Club Roast:

Susie Esman: "Alan King has finally lived long enough for his prostate to be bigger than his ego."

Jeffrey Ross: "Jerry Seinfeld couldn't be here. He's f***ing a model on a pile of cash." "[the recently deceased] Gene Siskel was going to review Ben Stiller's Mystery Men, but he took the easy way out."

Jon Stewart on the Daily Show:

"Fortune picked Henry Ford as "Businessman of the Century," beating out IBM's Thomas Watson and Satan's Bill Gates."

On Bryant Gumbel's new morning show's ratings troubles: "By 7 a.m. many CBS viewers have died in their sleep."

"Jean-Claude Van Damme destroyed a $3,000-a-night hotel suite, shocking Hollywood insiders, who were surprised he could still afford a $3,000-a-night hotel suite."

*****

Craig Kilborn:

"Drug costs for the elderly are going way up. It now costs 25% more to keep Grandma spacey and incoherent."

"In other drug news, Prozac is being found effective in severe premenstrual syndrome. If this is true, Prozac will replace the dog as man's best friend."

Guest Wayne Newton on his young wife: "A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

*****

Al Franken on Conan O'Brien:

"I don't know why they call John McCain a war hero. Anyone can be captured."

"Harvard's student body consists of 25% Asian Americans. They're going to have to stop admissions based on merit."

Jay Leno:

Headlines: "Girl Kicked by Horse Upgraded to Stable."

"Al Gore's new advisor, Naomi Wolf, wrote a book saying she thought kids should be taught masturbation in school. How do you feel when your kid comes home with an A? Of course, it's even worse if he fails."

*****

Dave Letterman:

Meryl Streep explaining why she'd never been on the show before, "I would have felt awkward coming on the show so soon after our affair ended."

Nina on Just Shoot Me: "What I do in public is my own business."

*****

David Letterman on Jerry Seinfeld's marriage proposal: "He couldn't get the engagement ring on over her wedding ring."

*****

In "A Pokemon for All Seasons," Jon Stewart reported, "Nintendo will distribute millions of Pokemon cards throughout the U.S. this week—unless their demands are met."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect: "He's like Tinky Winky. If he's not gay, why isn't it Pokewoman?"

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"The New York City Marathon is the only one where the starting pistol gets return fire. The male and female winners were from Kenya and Mexico, proving that Hillary is right. You don't have to be from New York to run." Later Dave remarked, "This is the time of year when Hillary pretends to be a Knicks fan."

On Hillary Clinton's world tour: "She's really sucking up to the Israelis: 'Oh yes, my husband's last girlfriend was Jewish.'"

On Entertainment Weekly ranking him 64th in the "100 Greatest Entertainers of the Century," Dave complained, "I coulda been in the top 20 if I'd kissed ass like that Mr. Rogers." Then he added, "Monica was #3."

Craig Kilborn onThe Late Late Show:

Craig showed a clip of a baby race in which two parents were disqualified for terrifying their kid by chasing him with a photo of Michael Jackson.

 

David Letterman:

"Hillary moved to New York hoping Jerry Seinfeld would break up her marriage."

"In West Virginia it's legal to marry a Pokemon. 'Pokemon,' by the way, is Japanese for 'Gullible Americans will buy anything.'"

Dave's favorite books: For the Love of God, Regis, That's My Final Answer and Poke Me Again and I'll Bite Your Finger Off by the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Dave called his Mom, and the camera switched to her house, where Ricky Martin answered the phone.

*****

Craig Kilborn:

"91% of Demi Moore turned 37 today."

"Don King says, 'There's nothing wrong with boxing I can't fix.'"

"Nicole Kidman cracked a rib today. Fortunately, her diminuitive husband can be used as a crutch."

*****

Jay Leno:

"Tanya Harding had a birthday today. She celebrated by going clubbing."

"When you're out of work, selling your sperm beats pounding the pavement."

On a feature called "Who Wants to Cut a Million Hairs," Jay had an audience member cut rocker Sammy Hagar's hair.

Comedian Brian Kiley observed, "There's always one teacher you had a crush on. For me it's my wife's aerobics instructor. When we first met my wife didn't like me all that much. Luckily, she wanted to stay in this country."

David Letterman's Top 10 Lists:

Top 10 Chapter Titles in George W. Bush's Autobiography:
10. "Nice to See You, Too": Things to Say to a World Leader Whose Name You Can't Remember
7. Chapter 3 - I Love Cocaine
6. Chapter 4 - I Deny There Was a Chapter Called "I Love Cocaine"
4. Growing Up With a Mother Who Looks Like That Quaker Oats Guy
3. Check It Out! My Dad Ralphed on Some Chinese Dude!

Top 10 Term Paper Topics Written by Genius Mice:
10. Our Pearl Harbor: The Day Glue Traps Were Invented
6. Selling Out for Fame Drugs and Cheap Women: The Tragic Story of Mickey Mouse
3. Outsmarting the Mousetrap: Just Take the Cheese Off Really, Really Fast

Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of David Hasselhoff's Character on Baywatch:
4. Decides nine years as California lifeguard gives him experience necessary to run for New York Senate.
2. Suffers ruptured abdomen after years of sucking in his gut.

Top 10 Ways Columbus' Crew Passed Time on Its Two-Month Voyage:
10. Testing equipment to make sure it was Y1.5K compliant
8. Pretending to enjoy Columbus' weird alter ego, Chris Gaines
7. Polishing the telescope
6. Pumping the bilge
5. Placing all hands on deck
4. Buffing the scrimshaw
3. Oiling the bow thruster
2. Shaking hands with the first mate

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"A poll shows most people are going to stay home New Year's Eve and have sex at the stroke of midnight. I had sex at the stroke of midnight last year. That's what's nice about Times Square."

"Another poll showed 53% if New Yorkers don't want Hillary Clinton to run for Senator. And yes, Hillary, that's our final answer."

"It's hot in New York. It's that El Dingo."

"Did you see that Monica Lewinsky is getting braces on her teeth? It's Bill Clinton's worst nightmare."

Guest Kathie Lee Gifford: "They only talk that way about women. We never ask, 'Is Brad Pitt wearing any underwear?'"
Dave: "Speak for yourself."

*****

The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn:

"Tim Allen's wife is filing for divorce. Evidently she wasn't getting enough Tool Time."

"It's odd. Hillary's slogan is "Bush in 2000.'"

"Evel Knievel, 61, just married a 30-year-old. He broke his hip trying to jump her bones."

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno:

To the right, one of Jay's Monday night Headlines:

"Michael Jackson is going to quit touring and concentrate on acting. His previous acting has included two marriages. He's going to play Edgar Allen Poe. Who better to scare the pants off a 10-year-old."

On people planning to have sex at midnight on New Year's Eve: "That should open up the dance floor."

"Think if Mrs. Satan ever wanted to take Satan to the cleaners. Can you imagine how many divorce lawyers there are in Hell?

To Tom Hanks: "In a men's room do you ever want to ask the guy next to you to leave so you can go?"
Tom Hanks: "No. I usually say, 'Come here. I want to show you something.'"

*****

Comedy Central's Daily Show With Jon Stewart:

I Got You ,Grave: "Cher has bought a plot in a Paris cemetery close to the grave of Edith Piaf, whose theme song, "I Regret Nothing," was sung decades before she could regret being buried next to Cher."

24Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

On the Monday night "Headlines" segment: "Man Arrested Aiming Gut at Police," "Hashbrown Potato Asserole," and "Second Graders Make Perfect Pets."

"In Arnold Schwarzenegger's End of Days, a woman find's out she's having Satan's child. Her gynecologist tells her she has deviled eggs."

"Richard Simmons wants to go to medical school. And you thought Patch Adams was annoying."

"Tonight Fox is showing A Dot.com Christmas. The Wise Men skip the trip and just order the baby Jesus gifts over the internet.

Guest Rodney Dangerfield: "I'm so ugly my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth. My uncle's so lazy he married a girl who was already pregnant. I dropped all my Viagra pills in the toilet. Now the lid won't go down."

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Did you hear about that guy who's suing Starbucks because he went to the restroom and a defective toilet lid crushed his penis? I thought it was only Denny's that offered the Grand Slam."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to save New York from the Devil. Bad news, Hillary wins."

"Monica Lewinsky's ancestors came across on the Mayflower. Get it? Monica's lost a lot of weight. This year she's #3 on Barbara Walters' list of 'Ten Most Fascinating People.' Last year she was #'s 4 - 7. Joe Torre's also on the list. Do you know what he and Monica have in common? They're two people who never choked."

"Have you folks heard Abe Lincoln's worst pick-up line? 'Can I put my log in your cabin?'"

Top 10 Pieces of Fatherly Wisdom Passed Down by Michael Jackson:
10. Don't rush into a sham marriage—it might last months.
9. The most important thing is to be yourself ... just kidding!
8. There are birds and there are bees—and then there are bees who'd rather be birds.
6. Earn pocket money by auctioning your old face on eBay.
5. Apply blush in short quick strokes away from the cheekbone.
3. Don't drink Pepsi—it makes your hair explode in flames.
2. Never lend money to Uncle Tito.
1. Your only hope of growing up normal? Run.

Top 10 Headless Horseman Pet Peeves:
9. People who use your neck opening as an umbrella stand.
7. Nobody reading your personal ad knows what "HWM" means.
6. People selling what they claim to be your head on E-bay.
5. Wind blowing across neck stump produces annoying whistle.
1. Jerks who yell, "Heads up!"

Top 10 Least Popular Toys:
8. The Barbie and Ken Ritualistic Millennium Murder-Suicide Play Set
7. G.I. Joe Franklin
6. Pokemon Autopsy Lab (Pikachu corpse sold separately)
5. Talking Ricky Martin Doll with 7 Different Shocking Confessions
1. Skank Barbie

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

To guest Sting: "I had sex for 5 hours once, but 4 1/2 was apologizing."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Rodham to the Core. Hillary Clinton is as New York as pecan pie, hula dancing and Detroit."

On DBK Heaters, which ran ads in Asia featuring Adolf Hitler declaring war on cold: "The same ad agency also had to scrap plans for a bbq sauce 'hotter than sex with blind kids.'"

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"At least that killing field they're investigating in Mexico answers one question: 'Other than Ricky Martin, what happened to the other members of Menudo?'"

"A new book claims Hillary Clinton is addicted to Bill. Hillary won't admit she's addicted, but she does say she hasn't touched him since the '70's."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Michael Jackson says of Thriller: 'I was so young in that video I could have molested myself.'"

"There was an earthquake in L.A. today. It was felt as far north as Hollywood and as far south as Gary Coleman's career."

 

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

McMaster-Bates was one of Jay's interesting weddings. A Monday night headline was "Canary available for stud, 140 lbs." Jay: "Brace yourself, honey."

"Hillary was presented with the White House Christmas tree, which is odd. I thought she was Jewish. By the way, she's dropping 'Clinton' and going back to her maiden name, 'Vader.'"

"Toy Story 2. Must be about the Mars Lander. Does NASA know you have to dial '1' first? Right now I'll bet China's wishing they'd stolen someone else's technical secrets. NASA should have Al Gore talk to the Lander robot-to-robot."

"That guy in Wisconsin caught having sex with a cow? The cow said, 'You don't remember me,' and the guy replied, 'Sorry, it doesn't ring a bell.'"

"The Hollywood Toys for Tots campaign got a surprise today. Michael Jackson tried to trade two toys for a tot."

"That NFL player fined for performing the throat-slashing gesture said, 'My hand betrayed me.' Ah, the old George Michael excuse."

"Now that John McCain's released his medical records, the other candidates are making theirs public. Pat Buchanan was once treated for burns from standing too close to a burning cross, and Donald Trump once caught a sexually transmitted disease from himself. Bill Clinton's medical record is performing over 500 breast exams in the White House."

"That woman attorney rowing across the Atlantic is a win-win situation. If she makes it, she's set a new record for what women can do. And if she drowns, it's one less lawyer."

"Jennifer Lopez has insured her body for a billion dollars. How does that work? If she has to go into the hospital for repairs, does her husband get a loaner?"

"NASA's motto is 'Faster, Better, Cheaper.' Aren't those the names of the triplets Hugh Hefner's been dating?"

" MasterCard's new ad: 'The look on NASA engineers' faces when they realized they'd forgotten a back-up transmission system, priceless.'"

"Rapper JZ was arrested for stabbing a record promoter, so he's changing his name to OJZ."

Guest Rob Schneider on his new film Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo: "I'm a he-whore. It's the feel-good male prostitute movie for the holidays."

Guest Bob Morley: "On Hollywood Boulevard today a woman said to me, 'Hey, baby, I'll spank you for $20.' I called my Mom and told her, 'You'd better get down here. You can make a lot of money.'"

Comparing 007 to Bill Clinton:
007: "I'm Bond, James Bond."
Bill Clinton: "I like blondes, big blondes."

007: "Odd Job."
Bill Clinton: "No comment."

*****

Jon Stewart on Comedy Central's Daily Show:

On New Years: "I remember when my ball dropped. Crowd control was a problem then too."

Martian of Error: "The Mars Lander has been lost, and who knows where its luggage ended up. NASA said, 'Hey, we're rocket scientists. It's not like we're brain surgeons.'"

On the new Miranda decision review, Jon called the Supreme Court "our 18-legged, 4-breasted baroque tribunal." In reviewing the history: "What was oddest was the period when there was corporate sponsorship of the Miranda Warning, leaving arrestees wondering what 'the right to chicken done right' had to do with their cases."

"Global warming means frozen members of 1920's polar expeditions are thawing out — and hastily erasing any diary references to cannibalism and Eskimo women."

"Fifty-two teachers in New York City helped kids cheat on their tests so it would look like the teachers had been doing a gooder job than they had. Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach cheat."

Guest Senator Bob Dole on Al Gore and Bill Bradley: "At a Christmas party a few years ago one of them smiled. I forget which one."

Reporter Frank DeCaro spoke of "Lucy and Desi and little Ricky Martin."

Dave Letterman on The Late Show:

"In the holiday spirit, tomorrow night on tv, George W. Bush will throw a switch in Texas and electrocute two prisoners."

"After the World Trade Organization todo, the Seattle Starbucks is offering teargasachino. I haven't seen a crowd that hostile since I hosted the Academy Awards."

Guest Al Franken on his show's cancellation: "On NBC it's not enough to be good. You've got to be Veronica's Closet good." Then he commented: "They say a kid's exposed to 26,000 murders on tv, but if you do the math, it's only 4 a day."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Half the young people in the world plan to celebrate the Millennium by having sex. And the other half are girls."

 

David Letterman's Top 10:

Top 10 Successful NASA Missions:
6. Built lifelike robot and got him elected Vice President.
5. Discovered 40 new "planets" after scientist sneezed on telescope lens.
3. Developed something called the "Marv Probe."
2. Landed a man on Ellen DeGeneres.

Top 10 Signs You're Having a Bad Holiday Season:
7. A week after Christmas you notice a bizarre smell coming from the chimney.
2. The FBI finds your "genetic material" on Mrs. Claus' dress.

David Letterman on the Late Show:

"That Mars Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question."

"You know that bug that was found in the State Department? The Russians say they weren't spying. They were just on a listening tour."

Dave: "Do you ever rent them adult films?"
Bandleader Paul: "No, I buy them. I don't want to give them back."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

Gripes of Wrath: "Fidel Castro demands the return of that six-year-old boy so he can resume his 12-hour shifts in the horse-rendering plant. If the boy isn't returned, Castro threatens to start launching short-range orphans at Disneyworld."

"U.S. hands over Panama Canal. But we've still got the Cuban kid."

"A study shows television boasts one obscenity every six minutes." (Looks at watch.) "Ass."

"The moment I move past premature ejaculation I'll need Viagra. The doctor says I'll have two good hours."

Guest Rob Schneider on his role in Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo: "In real life I'd be a $10 he-whore. Straight sex, $50; foot massage, $75; chest rub, a nickel."

Commentator Lewis Black: "Monica Lewinsky. I still can't look at a cigar — or wear a blue dress."

*****

Jay Leno on the Tonight Show:

The Dickey-Upp wedding was featured on Jay's Monday night Headlines.

"Jennifer Lopez has insured her body for a billion dollars. Her rear end is covered by a balloon payment. And Jesse Jackson took out a million-dollar policy to cover anyone who gets between him and a camera."

"Now that we've given the canal back, does Panama have to change the locks?"

"The country's oldest nudist camp just turned 70. There's a reunion you don't want to go to."

"Erik Menendez got married in prison. I think it was a shotgun wedding."

"NASA had its Christmas party. Naturally, somebody crashed it."

"If Bill Bradley's heart gives him any more trouble, he'll have it removed and run as a Republican."

"Have you seen that Jack Daniels ad? It says, 'At some point you just know who you are.' I think that point's when you go, 'Hi, I'm Bill, and I'm an alcoholic.'"

"It's not just that six-year-old boy. Now Fidel Castro wants us to give back Cuba Gooding, Jr."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"The Clintons personally decorated the White House tree. On Bill's side the balls were in a vice."

"There's a type of food that makes women give up oral sex — wedding cake."

*****

Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live:

"Britney Spears' breasts turned two this week."

*****

Craig Kilborn on the Late Late Show:

"If Linda Tripp is found guilty she faces up to six years in the state kennel."

"For Christmas Bill's giving Hillary a dress made out of an American flag. And a ticket to Afghanistan."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"After he leaves office, Bill Clinton plans to do public service work, helping build low-income Hooters."

 

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"John McCain sees a gay President someday. Bill Clinton, of course, is byesexual. When Hillary says bye, he gets sexual."

"Did you see the story about that protester who lived two years in a tree. She said she became one with the tree—like Tipper Gore on her wedding night. The protester is writing a book about her experience. But to print it, won't they have to cut down a lot of trees?"

"The NFL is now the National Felon's League. Wide receiver Rae Carruth just beat O.J.'s record for most yards running from the police."

Guest Norm Macdonald said the best stocking stuffer is a human leg.

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Al Gore took his physical, and, good news, he died of natural causes."

"The winter solstice is the longest night of the year—almost as long as the night I hosted the Academy Awards."

"It's so cold in New York tonight that pigeons are sneaking into Kenny Rogers Restaurants and throwing themselves on the grill."

"You saw that report about traffic accidents being caused by drivers nodding off. The last thing they hear is, 'Now a medley by Kenny G.'"

"John Rocker, Atlanta Braves pitcher, really tore into New York in a Sports Illustrated interview. He's going to get his ass kicked. Never mind, the Yankees already did it."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"You know why Vermont wants gays to get married? To stop them from having sex. And speaking of not having sex, Hillary Clinton ..."

"Kate Moss wants to find a husband to get her pregnant. He must be handsome, rich and able to thread a needle. Soon she'll be throwing up for two."

"Twelve hundred women a year are getting pregnant at Ft. Polk. That's why they call it Ft. Polk. And that's why they call them drill sergeants."

"Ike Turner's 13th wife has left him. She came home and found him beating another woman."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Garth Brooks says he'll retire at the end of next year. Unfortunately, no word yet from Kenny G."

"Posh Spice fought off a man who tried to grab her baby. Probably to steer it away from a career in music."

"Kate Moss wants to get pregnant and find out what it's like eating for one."

"The Rolling Stones grossed $750,000,000 this year. The figure's a little inflated, since it includes their Social Security checks."

Guest Jamie Foxx (who's in Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday): "I took my jock strap off in a scene with Cameron Diaz, to give her a little showcase—make that a showcase—in case we start dating, of what she might run into."

One show featured the recurring character of the Masturbating Bear, who ran up and down the aisles fondling his diaper. Then Conan pulled the bear head off, and it was Jim Carrey.

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"John McCain sees a gay President someday. Tommy Hilfiger could be Secretary of Interior Design. Or even Chief of Staff. I think it would be nice. It would give the male interns a chance."

"Vermont's ruling that gays can be married is the strongest pro-gay action by a state since Nevada let Sigfried and Roy set up shop at the Mirage. To celebrate Vermont's action, Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche did something interesting with maple syrup."

"Wild fires in L.A. The residents are insisting they be put out using only bottled water. The biggest flames are at Richard Simmons' Christmas party."

*****

Martin Short Show:

Ray Romano: "That was the dream of every young comedian, to be on Johnny Carson, to be on his show."
Martin Short: "Oh, on his show."

Martin Short: "Can MTV's Tom Green act?"
Harland Williams: "He acts like a sweet and sour sparerib at a teriyaki festival."

Comedy Central's Premium Blend:

Renee Hicks: "We were Pentecostal. That's just a lightbulb and a car away from being Amish. I heard about an Amish guy getting run over by a car. That's like a Catholic choking on a condom."

Tim Young: "My two-year-old nephew says 'I love you' to everyone. My sister says he doesn't know what it means. He just says it to get something. I think he knows exactly what it means."

"People in x-rated movies have been screened by a casting director. That doesn't happen in real life. A nude beach isn't like the Playboy Channel. It's more the Discovery Channel."

"The original Olympics were all held in the nude. That sure changed men's hurdles. The white guys won a lot more races."

Pete Johansen: "This transvestite was telling me how he couldn't be an NFL cheerleader, and he kept going on and on. Finally I said, 'Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to talk.'"

 

Jay Leno's Monday Night Headlines:
"Tampax Aims to Stop Flow of Criticism"
"Hot Meat Load Sandwiches"
"Stool Blowout"
"Warm Male Syrup"

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Babysitters are getting $100 an hour on New Years Eve. That's more than my date will be getting."

"Did you hear about the trouble with Sean "Puffy" Combs? Everyone in the nightclub pulled out guns when his girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, started to sing. I took bail money down to her."

"The Lone Ranger is dead. Shot in the back by Puff Daddy's bodyguard. The police are now in the third day of frisking Jennifer Lopez. When Jennifer and I were dating we were never involved in any gunplay at the Red Lobster."

"John Rocker of the Atlanta Braves is so hated in New York he could run for Senator."

"It's so cold in New York the hookers in Times Square are giving out flannel condoms. It's so cold Monica Lewinsky has just been blowing on her hands. Did you hear she's become a Jenny Craig spokesperson? Hope it doesn't cheapen her image."

"Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor are talking about getting married, but there'll be no sex. So he may be heterosexual after all."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

 

"Bill Clinton was the person most mentioned in gossip columns this year. He loves being on peoples' lips. He ate so much at Christmas dinner, he had two reasons for unbuttoning his pants under the table."

"Monica Lewinsky has lost 31 pounds. Now she'll be famous for not putting something in her mouth. Yep, she's given up that hillbilly love juice."

"It's so cold in New York people are huddling around Jennifer Lopez, because they heard she was packing heat. If her boyfriend Puffy gets arrested one more time, he's eligible to play for Florida State."

"Time named Einstein 'Man of the Century.' It turns out his wife caught him cheating and divorced him. If even Einstein couldn't pull it off ..."

"Dennis Rodman was arrested for driving under the influence. I guess he was the Worm in a bottle of tequila."

"Speaking of sports, in the NFL these days, when they tackle a player they have to hold him down until the police arrive. Court TV has been named the official network of the NFL."

"The Pope's new Fiat doesn't have religious statues on the dashboard. Just a little mirror."

"The doctor who gave Linda Tripp a face lift got a hernia."

"Seattle has cancelled the party at the Space Needle. To keep people away they've scheduled a Yanni concert."

"They're using water-dropping planes to put out the fires around L.A. Doors in the belly open, and water falls out. It's the same technique Southwest uses with luggage."

"New Years Eve my wife and I are going to sit in front of a roaring fire—Glendale."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Jennifer Lopez was held in jail for fourteen hours. The other inmates were envious, because she was the only one with something comfortable to sit on."

"Jerry Seinfeld just got married. The rabbi asked him if he'd 'love, honor and yadda, yadda, yadda.'"

"The news that he's being knighted left Sean Connery shaken, not stirred."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Did you hear Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson may get married? This will be Liz's first marriage to a white woman."

"Monica Lewinsky has slimmed down three stained dress sizes."

"The Pope's new Fiat, which can withstand direct machine gun fire, was designed for John Tesh. The Pope will use the $1.3 million car to fulfill one of his duties, waving at the poor."

"Instead of cancelling the party, Seattle could have built a giant haystack around the Space Needle."

"Poor Cokie Roberts. George W. Bush tried to snort her."

On Dennis Rodman's DUI: "The Worm said he wasn't driving drunk. He was swerving to avoid a Porshe being driven by Jason Priestley."

Martin Short on The Martin Short Show:

"The Backstreet Boys signed a new contract for $60,000,000—to be paid over their remaining 15 minutes of fame."

To Drew Barrymore, about the time she jumped up on David Letterman's desk and flashed her breasts at him: "It was fine. It was his birthday, for heaven's sakes. As it's mine today."

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Strange Books


Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.

Click for free text of Visioning.

 

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.

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What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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