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by Strange de Jim November 2006
Late-Night-TV Zingers & Funny Pictures
by Strange de Jim
Click here to design a seal such as the one above for yourself for free. This particular design is called a "blivet." I call it a tuning fork for going "om."
As for Saddam Hussein's hanging, The
Show calls it Autocratic Asphyxiation.
The Cafe Flore Thanksgiving
display has one turkey hung by its neck and another by its feet.
As for Saddam Hussein's hanging, The Daily Show calls it Autocratic Asphyxiation.
Below is a sign he saw on a trip
Click for Nathaniel Welch site.
Below is a sign he saw on a trip to Alaska.
Found on neatorama.com
Found on neatorama.com, as is the one below.
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321
Genorocity Magazine Launch Party
Click for generocitymag.com.
Christopher Caen, Herb Caen's
son, has launched Generocity Magazine with his wife Stacey.
It's for people who donate a lot to charity. Here's Christopher at the
launch party November 6 at Cityscape on the 46th floor of the downtown
Click for generocitymag.com.
Here's Stacey Caen. Someone had
just asked me who Christopher's mother was, and I said I was pretty
sure it was Herb's earlier wife Maria Theresa, but I wasn't certain, so
I asked Stacey, "Who's Christopher's Mom?".
Stacey pointed to the woman next
to her, who was indeed the fabled Maria Theresa Caen. When I wanted to
snap a shot, M.T. said she took the world's worst picture. Not to be
outdone, I bragged that I was the world's worst photographer. I proved
it by not having enough room to back up, and she proved it by shutting
her eyes when a bright light flashed too close to her face. Out of
respect for both of us, I won't post the picture.
Here's columnist Bruce Bellingham
and an unidentified lady.
More of the throng.
Curmudgeon collected by Jon Winokur, in Funny Times
Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. - Henry Kissinger
A politician will always be there when he needs you. - Richard Smolik
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw.
The Washington Post Neologism Contest Winners
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Real Domain Names Collected by Phil Proctor in Funny Times
Holiday in Lake Tahoe: www.gotahoe.com
Art Design: www.speedofart.com
The First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com
New South Wales Mole Station Nursery: www.molestationnursery.com
Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
Need a therapist?: www.therapistfinder.com
Pen Island: www.penisland.net
Experts Exchange: www.expertsexchange.com
Celebrity agens: www.whorepresents.com
Games for Old Boys by Phil Proctor in Funny Times
Sag, You're It
Hide and Go Pee
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
The Daily Show called Kim Jong Il the "Nuke Kid on the Block."
Jon Stewart: "Bush at a press conference is like an 8-year-old who didn't read the book."
"24-hour banking? I don't have that kind of time.
Pulitzer Prize fighting
The Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
He has a trophy wife, but evidently it wasn't for first place.
Her father said, 'I want her home by 8:15.' I said, 'Middle of August? Great!'
I got a paper cut writing my suicide note. It was a start."
"Clam chowder is like fish latte."
"Country singer Keith Urban has checked into a 2-step program."
"Tom and Katie are getting married in Italy at the Leaning Tower of Publicity."
"On Halloween my mom would send me out dressed as a tramp—high heels, fishnet stockings ..."
Borat on Letterman: "My wife is dead. High five!"
Dave Letterman: "A study shows that male testosterone has dropped 15% since the 1980s. Thanks a lot, Oprah!"
Conan O'Brien: "Neil Patrick Harris has come out as gay. So now his show has been changed from How I Met Your Mother to How I Met Your Father."
The Daily Show called Donald Rumsfeld a "Pentagoner."
Dave Letterman said Bush's conciliatory lunch with Nancy Pelosi didn't go well. She refused to pass anything he asked for. Dave also said Sean Jean wants to be the next James Bond. He's changed his name to Double O Diddy.
On Saturday Night Live Seth Meyers said, "Today was Veteran's Day, so that didn't affect anyone at the White House."
Jay Leno's "Headlines" had a grocery ad for "Hiney Bunches of Oats" and a classified ad, "For sale, 4 used sheep." Jay ourlined the new Catholic gay outreach: "If you reach, you're out." For his birthday Jay gave bandleader KevinEubanks a gift certificate to Bud Bong & Beyond.
Steven Colbert on Trent Lott's new position: "Minority Whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard."
David Letterman: "Emmett Smith won Dancing with the Stars. Did they even look at my audition tape?" Dave also reported, "Mickey Mouse turned 78 today. He lives in Laguna Beach with his longtime companion Mighty Mouse."
Jay Leno on a man arrested for having sex with a dead deer beside the road: "Police are calling him a John Doe. He was just rebelling against his wife who kept saying, 'No, deer.' He thought the deer had a nice rack."
Jimmy Kimmel: "More geeks were injured in the Play Station 3 riots than in all the light saber fights from Star Wars 1 - 6."
Ray Romano on Comic Relief: "I get sex about once every three months. We have sex, next day I file my estimated tax. Oral sex I renew my driver's license."
Jay Leno "Headlines:" Ad: "Is there a facelift in your future? Ask the gynecologist." Jay said Fox was replacing O.J.'s canceled show with "Michael Richards Salutes Kwanzaa."
Craig Ferguson on the three-minute kiss at the TomKat wedding: "We get it, Tom. You can kiss a girl. You're a great actor." Craig also said Michael Richards should sue himself for his racist diatribe at the comedy club: "It would be Kramer v. Kramer."
Bay Area Reporter "Out There" column, 11/16/06: Quip show
Dear de Roberto,
My pal Brownstone says the Reverend Haggard scandal makes the Mark Foley incident seem like child's play.
Comedian Jim Norton: "I'm not gay. I'm not. I don't think you should judge a person on a few dozen incidents."
Conan O'Brien: "The reason the doctor sticks a finger in your butt is to see how gullible you are." Conan also says, "When Clay Aiken learned Neil Patrick Harris was gay he began furiously doogying his howser."
Jay Leno says gay partnerships are now legal in Mexico. "Or as they call it, Juan on Juan."
Beep beep! Love, Strange de Jim
From the top of Market Street
above the Castro.
The Cafe Flore has installed a
cozy fireplace just inside the back door.
The sign on Magnet Health Center
on 18th Street near Castro.
The staff at Los Flamingos, 151
Noe Street, evidently enjoyed a rather pagan holiday—as did I, at a
potluck featuring hordes of hippies at Marty's place on 14th Street.
Madonna Confessions Tour
One of the most amazing things I've ever seen on television was NBC's broadcast of Madonna's pansexual Confessions Tour, especially the number entitled "Forbidden Love."
Click to see "Forbidden Love" on YouTube.
And the rest of the show was also mesmerizing. There's no dvd yet, but I heard it's to be rebroadcast on Bravo.
More from Neatorama.com
Click here for the site, but be warned the home page is huge and might take forever to load: http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/
Two Fun Books
Life partner du jour. Stories began to spread like
syphilis at summer camp. They seem to have escaped with
nothing more than everything they own.
From Wigfield, the Can-Do
Town That Just May Not by Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello and Stephen
Life partner du jour.
Stories began to spread like syphilis at summer camp.
They seem to have escaped with nothing more than everything they own.
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down
by Merrill Markoe, 2006
My mother, Joyce, demanded and usually got all of whatever attention was available. She was beautiful enough to have stumbled into an accidental modeling career when she was seventeen just by waving at a photographer at the beach.
But once she realized that people knew who she was, she felt entitled to dominate any gathering, large or small, whether or not she had anything to say. I figured out, early on, that getting a word in edgewise wasn't going to be in the cards for me.
By the fourth day he [Swentzle the dog] was following me everywhere, greeting people no matter what their circumstances, like some kind of dazed goodwill ambassador. Just as tickled to meet someone new at the scene of an accident as he would have been if they climbed in through the window in the middle of the night, Swentzle was democracy in action.
Right up to that surreal day when I found Jake's gigantic stack of gay porno magazines stacked under our mattress while I was making the bed. As shocked as I was, I was also relieved to finally have both an explanation and, at last, a good enough reason to leave.
Then he handed me his card, which read, "Paxton: The Insolent Handyman. What the fuck is your problem?" Paxton could have had a thriving construction business were it not for how much he hated being told what to do. He practically dared his employers to fire him.
"But as you get older, come to find out the best things in life are quick. It took a few decades, but I finally achieved my life's goal of combining marital bliss with a one-night stand."
When I got home that night, scrawled on the living room wall, on top of a coating of primer, was, "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.—August Strindberg."
"The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.—Fredrich Nietzsche."
Click for Castro photos December 2006
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