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Zingers & Funny Pictures by Strange de Jim May 2007
Zingers & Funny Pictures
by Strange de Jim
But First, Scandal in High Places.
Sean Wilsey's 2006 N.Y. Times bestseller Oh the Glory of It All fascinated me, as did his mom Pat Montandon's new page-turner Oh the Hell of It All. Putting them together was amazing.
Pat Montandon was a dirt-poor
itinerant preacher's daughter in Texas and Oklahoma in the1930s,
growing up to be gorgeous, ambitious and spunky. Here she's marrying
Howard Groves in Hollywood, on the Bride and Groom national
radio show, in 1947.
But Mel immediately broke his
promises to quit drinking and womanizing. Luckily, Pat was able to end
the marriage on a technicality. She was hired by ABC affiliate KGO as
the hostess of the morning movie, and the show became a hit. She also
became society editor for the Examiner, and wrote a book about
When Howard became abusive 12
years later, Pat divorced him. She moved to San Francisco and became a
model for Joseph Magnin. She was such a go-getter that Cyril Magnin
made her manager of their store at the Cal-Neva Lodge in Lake Tahoe,
where she dated Frank Sinatra all summer. Returning to San Francisco,
she started seeing famous lawyer Mel Belli, and they got married in a
Shinto ceremony in Japan.
But Mel immediately broke his promises to quit drinking and womanizing. Luckily, Pat was able to end the marriage on a technicality. She was hired by ABC affiliate KGO as the hostess of the morning movie, and the show became a hit. She also became society editor for the Examiner, and wrote a book about party planning.
Al showered Pat with furs and
jewels and built her a second dream home in Napa. Pat thought they were
blissfully happy, until January 4, 1980, when Al announced he wanted a
divorce and was moving out, no real reason given.
Pat's looks and celebrity were
catnip to millionaire businessman Al Wilsey, nine years her senior.
They fell in love, married, and lived in the six-thousand-square-foot
penthouse with panoramic views where George and Charlotte Shultz live
today. In 1970 Pat and Al had a son Sean. Here's the family when Sean
Al showered Pat with furs and jewels and built her a second dream home in Napa. Pat thought they were blissfully happy, until January 4, 1980, when Al announced he wanted a divorce and was moving out, no real reason given.
Devastated, Pat called her best friend Dede Traina. Dede was floored by the news, but came to her friend's rescue, To save them pain, while Al moved out, Dede flew Pat and Sean to Puerto Vallerta, along with her own husband John Traina and their two sons Todd and Trevor. In Mexico Dede read Pat's cards to see what was going on. The cards said Al wasn't coming back, Pat wasn't getting any money, and she was going to lose Sean too. Dede said there must be some mistake and read the cards two more times. Same three answers.
Well, Dede proved an uncanny
seeress. It all came true. Within a year Dede had divorced John Traina
and married Al Wilsey. (As an aside, Dede's ex John Traina married
famous romance novelist Danielle Steel, and they had five children
together.) Here's Dede with now-hubby Al, showing off some of her new
Although Al had earned $250,000,000 in
the decade he was married to Pat, she got a pittance and was still
ridiculed in The S.F. Chronicle by Al's pal, columnist Herb
Caen. Herb called Al "the splendid rich chap" and "Mr. Big Bucks
Nizeguy," while Pat was "that blond dumbshell." Likewise, Armistead
Maupin made Pat a character in his wildly popular Chronicle
serial Tales of the City. Prue Giroux was "too awful for
words," a "hopelessly common woman," a "ridiculous woman," and a
"pathetic creature who spends her time bragging about how far she's
come." And though Al only got half custody of Sean, Sean loved Al and
Dede more than his devastated Mom. Pat decided to jump off the
penthouse terrace and asked Sean to jump with her. He told her he
didn't think that was a good idea.
After Al moved out and before he married Dede, Dede was Sean's best friend, spending hours with him by himself, not even with her two sons—laughing and giggling and having a great time. That changed the instant Al and Dede were married. "Overnight she went from being my most beloved friend to my most bewildering oppressor." Dede told Sean she was sorry, but he just didn't measure up, didn't fit in, and that his father was ashamed of him.
When Sean stayed with Al and Dede, at meals he had to sit apart from them and Dede's two sons. The four of them lived in luxury on the second floor, while Sean had a room in the attic. At least it had a walk-in closet. Dede walled it off from his room and cut a door in the opposite wall so it could be her gift-wrapping room. Sean wasn't even included in the family photo on the Christmas card, though the pets were.
Then Dede started accusing him of being a liar and a thief. Once when Pat and Sean and Sean's cousin returned to Pat's place from a trip, Sean and his cousin slept in bunk beds in his room. Sean dropped something, and when he was retrieving it, noticed sparkles under his mattress. It was a pile of Pat's jewelry. He and his cousin ran in and gave them to Pat. Sean remembered once when he'd been surprised to find Dede in the apartment when no one had been there to let her in. Pat knew she hadn't changed the locks or the combination on her safe since Al moved out. Next day Al called and told Pat that Sean was a thief, and they were shipping him off to boarding school.
Sean flunked out of the first school and went to a second, becoming an avid skateboarder. He was sent to a prison-camp style school from which he escaped and called Pat to come get him. He and a friend stole a motorbike, and he ended up in juvie. He was saved by being sent to the tough spiritual bootcamp Amity School in Italy. He wanted to be a writer, and worked for several magazines in New York before landing his dream job as junior fiction editor at The New Yorker.
Dede cut Sean off from almost all contact with his father. They could only talk on the phone for three minutes before Dede made Al hang up. Al would sneak out to have lunch with Sean in a cafe where no one they knew would see them. When Al died in 2002 there was no will. Dede already had the entire fortune. Out of the hundred of millions she couldn't find a single penny for Sean.
However, in 2006, Sean produced out of the experience, as mentioned, a N.Y. Times bestseller.
Meanwhile, in the 1980s Pat
started a children's peace crusade, met with 26 heads of state, plus
spiritual leaders such as Sai Baba and Mother Teresa, and was nominated
several times by several countries for the Nobel Peace Prize. From www.patmontandon.com, here's a
photo of her speaking in the Kremlin.
Here's my photo of Pat at last
month's book signing at Cody's. She's much more focused than her
environment. Must be all the meditation.
Food for thought.
While Dede just gave us the new
de Young Museum in Golden Gate Park.
Food for thought.
Click to chew it over for
The Strange Life
Here's The Amazing Brownstone at
the Cafe Flore Friday, May 4. The next day he was arrested on charges
he says are "very fishy," but he spent the night sawing through the
bars so that ...
Sunday, May 6, he met me as
scheduled to ride with him in this 1947 Packard convertible (with
driver Susan) to a High Spring Day party in the wine country.
Here we are tooling across the
Golden Gate Bridge.
Once off the freeway, Susan put
the top down.
Photo by my roomie Stephen
Upon entering Gooseford Park we
encountered cattle on the road. This photo was actually taken by my
roomie Stephen, who drove up separately.
We picked up Stephen.
We drove up to park behind the
pavilion on one of the upper lakes.
Photo by my roomie Stephen.
Susan helped yours truly alight.
Our host posed by the Packard.
Photo by my roomie Stephen.
We all trooped down to the lower
lake to join a couple of hundred picnicking guests.
There were big tubs of ice with
sodas and lots of bottles of the kind of wine that always gets me
drunk—free. "Due to intense wine fog, all thoughts have been grounded,"
pretty well sums up the afternoon.
Photo by my roomie Stephen.
Then came the canoe race.
Here the four canoes—Body, Mind,
Soul and Spirit—are making the far turn.
Then it was back to the pavilion
for the changing of the seasons. This painting had ruled over the six
Now it was time for the six dry
We ended the day with our host
out on the patio, counting our blessings.
Back in de Castro
San Francisco Chronicle, Leah Garchik’s column, 5/10/07: And Strange de
Jim says he saw an older man coming out of the Market Street Safeway
with a T-shirt that read, “Growing Old Is Mandatory, Growing Up Is
Optional.” Googling, I found that this quote is attributed to former
San Francisco Giant Chili Davis.
San Francisco Chronicle, Leah
column, 5/18/07: Strange de Jim e-mailed a snapshot of a
Jerry Falwell anti-shrine on the sidewalk at 18th and Castro, a “Rest
in Torment” fake tombstone and patch of AstroTurf designated for
dancing on the grave.
San Francisco Chronicle, Leah Garchik’s column, 5/10/07: And Strange de Jim says he saw an older man coming out of the Market Street Safeway with a T-shirt that read, “Growing Old Is Mandatory, Growing Up Is Optional.” Googling, I found that this quote is attributed to former San Francisco Giant Chili Davis.
Saturday, May 19, the Sisters of
Perpetual Indulgence held a charity treasure hunt that started at the
Here were the crowd of entrants,
mostly dressed as pirates, ready to start the hunt.
I couldn't resist tossing in this
house on Clipper Street, between Diamond and Douglass.
Harvey Milk's 77th Birthday
Photo by Dan Nicoletta
Here's Dan Nicoletta's photo of
Supervisor Harvey Milk on his last birthday, May 22, 1978. Harvey was
the first openly gay man to be elected to major public office in the
U.S. He and Mayor George Moscone were assassinated by former Supervisor
Dan White that November.
May 22, 2007, Harvey's friends
and admirers gathered at Given, 575 Castro, the site of Harvey's old
camera store, to celebrate what would have been his 77th birthday. Here
are (l. to r.) former Supervisor John Bardis, Supervisor Tom Ammiano
and photographer Dan Nicoletta, the close friend of Harvey who led the
campaigns to put photos of Harvey in Harvey Milk Plaza and a bust of
Harvey in City Hall.
The gentleman on the left is
Cleve Jones, creator of the AIDS Quilt. He's heavily involved in both
major studio Harvey Milk films now in the works. I thought the guy with
him was Chet Helms, and now I realize Chet Helms is dead, and this man
doesn't look that much like him. Oops.
Rob Epstein poses beside the
Oscar he won for The Times of Harvey Milk.
And to show the wide spectrum of
Harvey's appeal, here are famed pot advocate Dennis Peron, yours truly
in an "It's not just a phase" tee, and Tom Boyer, head of the Pink
Pistols, the gay chapter of the National Rifle Association.
Or maybe it's Dennis Peron and
Tom Boyer on each side of San Francisco's City Treasurer, Jose Cisneros.
Or activist Tommy in the
sweatshirt and jacket, with Supervisor Bevan Dufty (there with his new
daughter), and Dan Nicoletta on the right.
Or (l. to r.) Supervisor Tom
Ammiano, teacher Derrick Tynan-Connolly, a neighbor, and Allan Baird,
the Teamster official who did so much to get Harvey elected.
Or politico Hank Wilson on the
right. Harvey loved everybody, and everybody loved Harvey.
Opening of Wilde Boys at New Conservatory Theatre
Sweet Pam, author of Midnight
at the Palace, the history of the Cockettes, invited me to the
premiere Saturday, May 26. Here she is with fellow Cockette, Scrumbly
Koldewyn, writer and musical director of Wilde Boys. It's about
a group of young rent boys, friends of Oscar Wilde, who entertain Bosie
with song, dance and nudity.
At the party after the show we
see two cast members, Brandon Finch and Alex Kirschner.
On the right is director and cast
member, Michael Mohammed.
Back to us, Benjamin Pither, and
Steven Satyricon. It plays through June 23. Click here for info..
Click here for YouTube clip of Lord of the Rings version of "Ring of Fire."
Click to see the hundred places.
Click here for the 25 quotes.
Click here for Georg Gerster's art.
American Pi Mug
Sent by ace realtor Gregg Slapak
Below is the universal highway sign for gas.
And here's a nappy headed ho.
Sent by Andrea Jacobson
Sign on the back of a septic tank truck.
Banned from Wal-Mart
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton
insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets
so bored with all the shopping trips.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.
3... July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and
watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There
is no toilet paper in here!"
Alan on 2-1/2 Men: "The DMV
is like jury duty without the fun of finding somebody guilty."
Jay Leno: "In New York City women are being paid as much as $1,200 to lie on a table in fancy restaurants, naked, and the chef covers them with food. Then people come and eat the food off the naked women. You know what these women are called? Lazy Susans." Headlines: "Read Dead Abby & Ann Landers."
On The Daily Show Samantha Bee's
segment on the Democratic candidates debate was called "Mass Debaters."
Dave Letterman: "Did you hear about the big sex scandal in Washington D.C.? Politicians were visiting prostitutes. Apparently one girl was paid with a new dam in her home state."
Conan O'Brien: "On location in
San Francisco! San Francisco is a great place. It's the only place
where marijuana is legal, but plastic bags are not. Everyone
here is so nice and warm. Even Mayor Gavin Newsom sent me flowers. When
I tried to thank him, he said, 'They're for your wife.' Here's an
interesting fact: The fortune cookie was invented in San Francisco in
1909. The fortune cookie was invented when someone said, 'That cookie
was delicious, but what will happen to me in the future?'” Here's
Conan with a character dressed as the Transgender TransAmerica Pyramid.
Dave Letterman: "Politicians are now
having sex with prostitutes? What's wrong with Congressional pages?"
Also, "On The View Elisabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant. Rosie
O'Donnell says, 'It's not mine!'"
Jason Jones on The Daily Show segment "Beltway Unbuckled:" "You have no idea how much tension builds up in the balls of power."
Conan O'Brien: "Nice to be here in San
Francisco. I know why you're here: The marquee outside says 'free
medical marijuana.'" Also, "The mayor of San Francisco is planning to
make this city a sanctuary for illegal immigrants. As a result, San
Francisco is changing its name to Los Angeles."
Jay Leno: "You know who Nancy Pelosi is, right? She's the second most powerful woman in the country right behind the D.C. Madam." Also, "A new study shows lesbians are twice as likely to be obese as straight women. Not according to those videos [bandleader] Kevin has."
Dave Letterman: "The politicians were spending hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars for sex. And I thought, 'Well that's better than spending that kind of money on a haircut.'"
Conan O'Brien: "The San Francisco mayoral race is heating up. There are now 13 candidates running against Gavin Newsom. Mayor Newsom said, 'I'm looking forward to debating all the candidates, and nailing their wives.'"
David Spade: "Legally Blonde
opened on Broadway this week, and it's the perfect show for anyone who
wants to see the movie again for 200 bucks."
On The Daily Show Ted Koppel said when he asks his 92-year-old neighbor how he is, the man replies, "Oh, you know, circling the drain."
Conan O'Brien in San Francisco: "Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get stabbed, you know you've arrived.
"This week we've had some fun at the mayor's expense, so last night I apologized to Mayor Newsom for all the jokes I made about him. And the makeup sex was incredible.
"Last night in California the first Republican debate was held in Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from president Bush. The first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library."
Craig Ferguson: "That D.C. madam released her client list. There haven't been this many nervous lawyers since Dick Cheney renewed his hunting license."
Conan O'Brien: "I've been here several days now and the San Francisco lifestyle is starting to rub off on me. Today, I realized I was wearing a suit and tie, so I gave myself the finger. "Everyone here has been so nice to me here in San Francisco. Earlier today, Mayor Gavin Newsom invited me over for a sandwich. After that, we had lunch.
"This is a very active city. Later this month, San Francisco will host the annual 'Bay to the Breakers' race. 'Bay to the Breakers' is perfect for anyone who loves to run -- but hates being sober or dressed."
Jay Leno: "Have you heard the latest?
Former gay governor of New Jersey … remember Jim McGreevey the governor
who admitted that he was gay? He now announced he is looking into
becoming an Episcopal priest. Not a lot of people happy about this.
Especially the altar boys. They are not thrilled with this at all.
"The other day McGreevey’s wife was on Oprah. She talked about how when he told her that he was gay … she was really mad … she said "he gave me the news in cowardly installments.” That was her quote. Although according to McGreevey, he always wished that she could take it like a man, so I don't know who to believe."
"The latest in cosmetic surgery is something called spectrum adjustable breast implants. They are saline breast implants you can adjust after surgery to make them larger or smaller. For example, you can enlarge them when you're going out for a night on the town. And then you make them smaller when you want a man to actually listen to what you're saying."
Dave Letterman on the D.C. Madam sex
scandal: "Their slogan was, 'We take care of you below the Beltway.'"
"Donald Trump is now selling steaks. Each steak is marbled and cut by a master butcher – just like Donald's hair."
Jay Leno: "Today is May 2, or as President Bush calls it, 'Veto de Mayo' day."
Young Jake on Two and a Half Men:
I fail summer school, what are they gonna do, make me go to regular
Jon Stewart: "The Republicans seem to want an optimist who also has a cruel streak—sort of a sado-optimist." John Oliver: "The Republican candidates were of all colors, from bone to eggshell."
Stephen Colbert says the new President of France is called "le American." "He even allowed himself to be photographed with George W. Bush, so that makes him more American than many of the Republican presidential candidates."
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton got 45 days in
jail. A lot of people were upset about this; they were hoping for the
death penalty. She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to
drive to work. Which would be great if she had a job.
"The first time Paris was stopped it was for not having either front or rear license plates. Now she can make her own."
"Bush learned a few words of English so he could talk with Queen Elizabeth in her native tongue."
"Mrs. McGreevey, ex-wife of the gay governor of New Jersey, has written a book called Men Are from Mars, but Some Are after Uranus.
Dave Letterman: "The queen of England is in the United States. Earlier today she was down at the White house. George Bush. I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets confused. He went up to the queen and congratulated her on her Academy Award.
"Queen Elizabeth went to the Kentucky
Derby. She walked up to each of the horses before the race and asked,
"The Kentucky Derby is exciting isn't it? For me, the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex. It's over in two minutes and it costs me a hundred bucks.
"Paris Hilton is going to jail. Good
work, Spiderman. Paris has already asked permission to videotape
her conjugals, and she's giving the guards a list on how she likes to
Regis Philbin chided Dave for not having watched Shrek 3 before he came on. Dave: "Come on, it's the third one, and you're in it. How good can it be?"
Conan O'Brien: "Big celebrity story: A judge in Los Angeles has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail for violating her probation, but Paris is trying to get out of it. Legal experts say that if Paris Hilton wants to avoid going to jail in Los Angeles, she'll have to murder someone."
Jimmy Kimmel: "For 45 days Paris will not be allowed to use her blackberry, cell phone or vagina."
Jimmy Carr on Conan O'Brien:
"When I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said,
'You can't do both.'" Jimmy's new book is "Only Joking."
Tom Dreeson on Dave Letterman: "When my
wife wondered why a woman was getting so drunk at my 20th hight school
reunion I told her I'd broken up with her in high school and she'd
started drinking. My wife asked, 'Why's she celebrating so long?'"
Conan O'Brien: "While in jail Paris will have her private parts searched. This could be a problem. They only have 45 days."
"Angelina Jolie always tries to be sure her shoes match her orphan."
"Bush was surprised Queen Elizabeth was so small for a cruise ship."
Steven Wright on Craig Ferguson on why he doesn't bet: "You can see by the buildings on the Las Vegas Strip that most people lose."
Jay Leno: "Gas went up 20 cents a gallon
this past week. Record highs all across the country. In fact, it is so
expensive in Los Angeles, today, I saw Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger
Dave Letterman: "Gas? This summer it could be $4 a gallon. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Oil Company Left Behind program."
This Paris Hilton thing is tearing this country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for leniency. On the other hand, people are calling for lethal injection.
Conan O'Brien: "Former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for a New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for No. 9 down is, 'synonym for pain in the ass, rhyming with "millary."’”
"Donald Trump announced he is coming out with his own line of Trump steaks. They come in three sizes: large, extra large, and Rosie O’Donnell."
Jimmy Kimmel: "We’re circulating our own petition. We’re asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to officially declare June 5 'Paris Hilton Is Going to Jail Day.'”
Conan O'Brien"It looks like Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. Prison officials say that while Paris Hilton is in jail, she will be taken to the showers in handcuffs. At least some things for Paris will remain the same."
Craig Ferguson: "Bill Clinton has designed a crossword puzzle for The New York Times. It’s very hard: '32 across. Four letter word for Hillary.'”
"Big story today: Big wildfire in Griffith Park. Unbelievable. The bravery, the skills of these guys. I love firefighters. That’s why I buy the calendars.”
Amy Pohler on Saturday Night Live:
Hilton said, 'I just sign whatever people put in front of me.
And by "sign" I mean "put in my mouth."'"
Jay Leno: "Apparently Phil Spector wasn't happy to see any of these women. That really was a gun in his pocket." Also, "Squirrels with bubonic plague were found in Denver. So it you're going to be around squirrels, wear a condom." And, "Another athlete failed a drug test. Maybe these drug tests are just too hard."
Headlines: "15 oz. Corn Poops." Menu with potato skins: "Fore skins filled with cheese." Menu offering "half-giraffe of wine."
Craig Ferguson: "I don't like driving in Florida. It's either 25 doing 90 or 90 doing 25." A nudist bum sticker: "My other ass is hot." Guest Carrot Top had a high school graduation gown that reversed into a McDonald's uniform.
Conan O'Brien: "The Tony nominations came out last night. People who care about the Tony nominations came out a long time ago." Also, "It's not necessary to say 'accidentally' before 'shot himself in the testicles.'"
Jay Leno: "Paris's sentence has already been reduced to 23 days. You know what that means, the judge finally saw the video." Also, "There's a new beer that has actual pieces of pizza in it. Didn't that used to be called vomit?" And, "TGIF. The Green card Is Five grand."
Dave Letterman: "Shrek is a huge man, and he marries into royalty and eventually becomes Governor of California."
Jimmy Kimmel: "With good behavior,
Paris's 45-day sentence will only last 23 days. We can't be greedy. We
should just be happy that she's going to jail at all."
Dave Letterman: "Donald Trump had a new granddaughter over the weekend. I did the math on this: Trump's new granddaughter will graduate from high school the same year as his next wife."
Bob Barker on Letterman: "I only wish Regis were alive to see this."
Jay Leno: "I had a full colonoscopy today. Not at the doctor's office. At the gas station near my house."
Dave Letterman: "Former President Bill Clinton was a speaker at the Global Warming Summit, and he says that he has been very, very concerned about global warming. In fact, earlier this week, another chunk of ice fell off his wife."
Craig Ferguson: "Not such a great day
for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled The Apprentice. You just
know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say,
Dave Letterman: "It's graduation time. A lot of honor students here in New York City. 'Yes, Your Honor . . . No, Your Honor.'”
Conan O'Brien: "Big news from England. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this President Bush said, 'That's a shame. He's the only world leader who took the time to learn English.'”
On My Name is Earl, Earl
contacts Joy's best friend to be a character witness for her. "The last
time I saw Joy she drank all my cherry wine and had a three-way with my
David Spade: "Paris Hilton has a petition to keep herself out of jail, and a lot of guys have put their John Hancocks on it. Minus the 'John' and minus the Han.'" Also, "Vin Diesel has changed his name to Vin Ethanol."
The Daily Show title for Tony's resignation was "The Blair Ditch Project."
Jay Leno: "In Jerusalem, motorists just drove around a dead body in the middle of the street. In L.A. somebody would have dragged the corpse into their car so they could use the car pool lane." Also, "The Milwaukee Brewers offered free rectal and prostate exams at the stadium. Talk about a tailgate party!"
Conan O'Brien on the brawl at Boston's Symphony Hall. "The Hall will no longer serve beer after the second movement." Also, "When Paris goes to jail they'll search her privates over a wheelbarrow in case a bunch of stuff falls out."
Craig Ferguson: "Now the Beckhams are coming to America. The only English celebrity left in London is Madonna."
Larry the Cable Guy on Craig: "They want money for these sex tapes I made years ago. You make a little money, and relatives just come out of the woodwork." Also, "Rosie's blowing up like a tick on Dracula. If she gets any bigger she's going to block The View." Larry was struck by fat homeless people. "Evidently you can eat yourself out of house and home." On Hugh Hefner proposing marriage: "He got down on one knee and two testicles. I saw him with two of his girlfriends, and it looked like Weekend at Bernie's 3." On his new baby. "At first I didn't know my wife was pregnant. I was used to her throwing up after sex."
Comedian Dimitri Martin: "I like rainbows, but I'm not gay, so I wear a tee with a rainbow, but under it I have to write, 'Not gay.' But I'm not against gays, so I have to add, 'but supportive.' Isn't it weird that one group could co-opt refractive light?"
Jay Leno: "When I hear two guys are fighting at the Boston Symphony, I assume it's over another guy." Also, "There's now a bathroom scale that goes to a thousand pounds. There's the perfect Mother's Day gift."
Dave Letterman asked his Mom what her favorite thing was about New York City, and she replied. "OTB." Her advice to Dave, "Be yourself, but less annoying, and quit bothering Oprah."
Dave Letterman: "Sunday is Mother's Day.
It's a day to remind you why you are in therapy."
Conan O'Brien: "This week a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his Plan B is if the current plan in Iraq doesn't work. The Plan B discussion was difficult for Bush because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable: Iraq and the alphabet."
Craig Ferguson: "The British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he's stepping down. I have great respect for Tony Blair. He helped bring peace to Northern Ireland. If you can get the Protestants and Catholics to work things out, you can solve anything. You can solve the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, and even the ultimate challenge: Rosie and Trump."
Dave Letterman: "Shrek 3 opened
today. All your favorite characters are back. There's the ogre, there's
the princess, there's the jackass . . . Oh wait a minute. That's the
cast of The View.
Shrek is a beastly ogre. He's a giant and he marries into a family of royalty. And eventually goes on to become governor of California."
Jay Leno: "The New York Post is
reporting that Britney Spears demanded to get off a United Airlines
flight from Los Angeles to Miami because she wanted leather seats and
they didn't have any. Hey I can understand that. If you're on a
five-hour flight with no underwear on, you don't want to be sitting on
Conan O'Brien: "This weekend Larry King rented Dodger Stadium for his son's birthday. When asked why, he said, 'It's not every day that your son turns 65.'”
Dave Letterman: "New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." Also, "Did you hear about Paula Abdul? She tripped over her Chihuahua and broke her nose. She's going to be fine, but the doctor told her to wait at least six weeks before having sex with a contestant. She broke her nose, but the good news is she didn't spill her gin and tonic."
Conan O'Brien: "When former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s wife found out her husband was gay, she went to Hillary Clinton for advice. Hillary, said, 'Gay! I wish I had your problem.'”
Jay Leno: "How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money." Also, "Some of Michael Jackson's personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won't be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy."
Dave Letterman: "Beautiful day today. It's like Regis Philbin: Sunny and 84." Also, "In New York City, it's Fleet Week. The United States naval fleet is here to keep peace on The View.”
Craig Ferguson: "Michael Jackson is in Bahrain. He's appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It's a children's birthday party. It's only $10 million, but it's all Michael could afford."
Fred Willard on MAD TV: "How can you tell if a congregation is gay? Every other member is kneeling."
Jason Jones on The Daily Show: "I'm Canadian. Everyone loves us. We're like the world's gay friend."
Steven Colbert: "The Pope knows all about poor people. The Vatican has priceless paintings of them."
Dave Letterman: "Regis is doing his show from New Orleans this week. Haven't those people suffered enough?"
Craig Ferguson: "That Will Ferrell has the curliest chest hair I've ever seen, on a man."
Jay Leno: "Now scientists say Viagra helps with jet lag. 'We love to fly, and it shows.' Now you'll really see some snakes on a plane."
Craig Ferguson: "Joey Fatone has a wimpy beard. Show us a real beard." Up popped a picture of Katie Holmes.
Jay Leno: "Jordin Sparks won American Idol, 17 years old. This is the youngest major singing debut since Cher in 1928." Also, "A new book says you can lose weight just through prayer. You ever seen a skinny gospel singer?" Guest Fred Willard: "In Barstow they have the world's largest ball of meth."
Joel McHale on The Soup: "The porn star who spells her name Katee Holmes says she can't be confused with Mrs. Tom Cruise because she's blonde and has free will."
Jay Leno on his 15th anniversary show: "Just think. If a child had been born the night we first aired, he'd already be way too old for Michael Jackson. Oh, and what does Michael Jackson love about twenty five year olds? That there are twenty of them." Also, "Rosie has quit The View. She wants to spend more time arguing with her family."
Click here to design a seal such as the one above for yourself for free. This particular design is called a "blivet." I call it a tuning fork for going "om."
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