by Strange de Jim March 2007
Late-Night-TV Zingers & Funny Pictures
by Strange de Jim
Click here to design a seal such as the one above for yourself for free. This particular design is called a "blivet." I call it a tuning fork for going "om."
Around the Castro
Harvey's, on the corner of 18th
and Castro, is closed for a month for major repairs.
Here's a hanging boar in the
window of Xia on Market Street.
The flag at Castro and Market on
a sunny day.
Photo and caption from Bay
Area Reporter. For the full story got to www.ebar.com and look at the March 8
HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY from
friends James Patrick O'Kennedy and Derrick Tynon O'Connolly in Civic
And another HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY
from your humble author at the Harvey Milk branch of the library,
another little home from home.
This is a YouTube clip of 500
movie clips in 7 minutes. Click to view it.
These statues are truly astonishing. Click to see them all.
Click here to see them all.
Click here for all the proposals.
For the top 25 crimes in the past 100 years click here.
Click here for billionaire's homes.
Click here for Vizcarra's site. The one that shocked me was ...
Click here for more bad toys, including the Flesh Drink below.
And click here for a cruel YouTube obituary clip of Andrew Lloyd-Webber.
From Andrea Jacobson
Sent by Gregg Slapak
Anna Nicole's coffin
Below is Victoria's secret.
Click here for a disco video of "Raining 300 Men" to accompany the picture below.
The 19th Hole
And click here for a video about our only gay President.
Note: Conan O'Brien will air his show from the Orpheum in San Francisco from Monday, April 30, thru Friday, May 4. Tapings are at 4 p.m. For free tickets go to nbc.com/conan/sanfrancisco
Jon Stewart on James Cameron's claim to have found the tomb of Jesus and Jesus's son. "So God had a grandson? You can see the kid wanting a pony, and God says, 'You want a pony? I give you Seabiscuit."
Jay Leno: "Atheism is on the decline, but most atheists don't believe it." Also, "Martin Scorcese is doing a film about the Rolling Stones. It's called Old Fellas."
Craig Ferguson: "P. Diddy is accused of assaulting a guy. So P. Diddy or P. Didn't he?" On the two giggling teenage girls who robbed a bank: "It's just good to see women stealing money without using a divorce attorney."
Henry Winkler came on Craig to plug his new book Secrets. "I had a friend. He was deaf. He read the book, and now he can see."
On The Soup a clip showed a
reporter saying, "Larry Birkhead met Anna Nicole's baby. He fed her. He
burped her, and she threw up on him."
Joel McHale: "Pretty much the way he met her mother."
On VH1's Best Week Ever: "In the race with James Brown to get buried first, Anna Nicole wins by a nose—at least what's left of it."
Jay Leno: "Those two teenage girl bank robbers entered a plea of 'Whatever.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Mid-life crisis or second wind?"
Fox's Talkshow had The Dapper Daniels, a barbershop quartet that sings about homoerotic encounters. They did "I've Been Lurkin' Near the Railroad." Click for YouTube clip.
On Desperate Housewives, Lynette
begs Tom to just let her get to sleep early on their anniversary. Tom
says, "What about sex? I always get sex on our anniversary."
Lynette replies, "OK, just try not to wake me."
Stephen Colbert suggests a Democratic ice cream flavor: "Cut & Rum Raisin."
The Daily Show titles for the Scooter Libby story were "Aide Misbehaving" and "Verdict: Pants on Fire."
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Someday a heavily sedated tree will grow from Anna Nicole's grave."
Craig Ferguson: "Ernesto Gallo died at 97. Wine experts agree 97 is a good year to die. Bit of Gallos humor."
The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi: "Dubai welcomed Michael Jackson with open boys."
David Letterman: "It was so warm today Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park."
Jay Leno "Headlines:" An ad telling seniors how to keep warm suggested, "Crap yourself in a blanket."
Chris Rock on Letterman: "I pray there's a God. I know there's Oprah." Chris drew gasps by saying that if comedian Richard Jeni, who just committed suicide, were alive he'd tell people to go see Chris's movie I Think I Love My Wife. "He's probably kicking himself he missed the opening."
Conan O'Brien telling how celebrities completed the phrase "Springtime always fills me with ..." "Paris Hilton said, 'Penises.'"
John Waters on The Daily Show talking about his new Til Death Do Us Part about marital murders. "I'm the Groom Reaper."
Andy Richter on Jay Leno: "I went to yoga once, but it made me too angry."
Conan on Star Jones' new program on Court TV. "In her honor the network has changed its name to Food Court TV."
Chris Rock on Conan: "Is America ready for a black President? We just had a retarded one." Also, "White women don't even have to look at the scales. They know they're getting too big when brothers start hitting on them." Chris's new movie is I Think I Love My Wife. "My wife has a movie coming out called I Think These Are Your Kids. Oh, and Anna Nicole's baby is mine, and I don't even remember having sex with her. You'd think my back would hurt or something."
Jon Stewart: "The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is so anti-gay he won't even shake hands with a Rear Admiral."
Jay Leno on 80-year-old Hugh Hefner marrying his 27-year-old girlfriend: "The wedding will be open casket. The bride believes that where there's a will there's a way."
Jimmy Kimmel, outraged that the audience hasn't voted off the lamest contestant: "I know it was funny when we re-elected Bush, but this is American Idol!"
Jay Leno: "Disney is doing its first cartoon with a black princess, Sleeping Booty."
Saturday Night Live had a skit on the new disease Restless Penis Syndrome. "With your help we can beat this thing."
Craig Ferguson: "That Boy Scout in North
Carolina was rescued by a dog named Gandolf. Do you know who I would
have sent into the forest to find him? George Michael. He can always
find a man in the forest."
Conan: "In Hollywood the other night, the producer of Girls Gone Wild was spotted hanging out at a gay bar. Which explains the title of the new DVD, Girls Gone Wild — At Least I thought They Were Girls; I Was Really Drunk.”
Jimmy K: "Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case where a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing a banner that said, 'Bong Hits For Jesus' to school. The argument is whether the student’s right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed."
Lois on Family Guy: "Oh no, I'm like that Texas mother who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. I'm like Barbara Bush!"
David Letterman on Regis' open heart surgery: "For Regis it was the most successful surgery since he had Kathie Lee Gifford removed. And the good part is, he's no longer trapped in a man's body."
Adam Sandler subbing for David Letterman: "Dave has stomach flu, a common side effect of botox treatments."
David Letterman: "Jewish hookers wear two-piece outfits to separate the meat from the dairy." Dave also reported that the man who had sex with a dead deer was listed as a John Doe.
Jon Stewart on Hugh Hefner's upcoming wedding: "I think that's every 27-year-old girl's dream, to marry the 80-year-old kingpin of a smut empire."
Jay Leno: "The Airbus landed with 550 passengers today. That's the most people who've ever arrived in LA in a single vehicle legally."
On a PBS skit: "Have you ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you can't stand?"
"Oh, not since I was nine."
Jay Leno: "Did you hear about that woman who grew a nipple on her foot? At least now her husband knows when her feet are cold." Headlines: A menu with "Seven corpse dinner" and a grocery ad for "Pampers baby wipes with meatballs."
Jon Stewart on the Attorney General trying to explain the lies in which he's been caught: "I've heard more convincing explanations from my two-year-old on how feces got in the DVD." Also, "Barak Obama and Mrs. Clinton are sort of the Madonna and Sean Penn of the campaign. I'm not saying which is which."
Jay Leno: "P. Diddy and his girlfriend had tantric sex for thirty hours straight. You know what she said when it was all over? 'Ooh, I was this close!'"
Stephen Colbert: "The Postal Service is getting ready to introduce a new set of Star Wars-themed stamps. The plan is in May they’re going to issue a really cool set of Star Wars stamps, then in 15 years, they’ll release a second set of Star Wars stamps that suck."
David Letterman:" It's actually not that nice out right now. It’s cloudy and warm — like a Barry Bonds specimen." And, "Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old today. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin."
Craig Ferguson: "Hillary Clinton raised 2.6 million dollars at a Hollywood fund-raiser last night. Do you know who wasn’ there? Bill wasn’t there. Do you know where he was? He was in New York at Elton John’s birthday partry! Well, you know Bill . . . he loves the fat girls." And, "There’s a couple of paparazzi who are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson for physically and verbally abusing them. Suing them! I would pay for that!"
Some Books I Loved
You Suck by Christopher
Moore is his sequel to Bloodsucking Fiends, both comic vampire
tales set in San Francisco.
"You had sex with me while I was
unconscious," Jody said.
"That's not the same," Tommy said. "I was just being friendly, like when you put a quarter in someone else's parking meter when they aren't there."
There was a cup on the sidewalk in front
of him and beside it a hand-printed sign that read I AM POOR AND MY CAT
In the old days, prevampire days, she'd tried to stay away from alcohol, because it turned out that she was sort of an obnoxious drink. Or that's what her ex-friends had told her.
"You know that group they have in Vegas? The Blue Men?"
"Yeah, the guys who paint themselves blue and pound on pipes and stuff?" Tommy was lost.
"Yeah," Lash said. "Well, it turns out there are blue women, too. Or at least there's one. And dude, she's sucking us dry."
It wasn't as if she wouldn't have been able to make a living without the gimmick—most guys will shag a snake if you hold it steady for them. But it turned out they would pay a lot for the exotica of a blue woman.
"A minion! Someone who can move around during the day who can help us out. Like I was for you."
"Oh, my bitch."
Tommy dropped his list. "Nuh-uh."
"I will not be sexually harassed by the entree."
"No, I'm thinking we should move to Alaska. For one thing, in the winter, it's dark for like twenty hours a day, so we'd have plenty of time. And I read somewhere that Eskimos put their old people out on the ice when they are ready to die. It would be like people leaving snacks out for us."
He'd never seen a girl so obviously attracted to him, and he realized that he had no experience in dealing with it.
I have to prove myself worthy of his
trust, otherwise there's like no way he'll bestow the dark gift on me,
and I'll totally have to finish my sophomore year and probably end up
in junior college or working at Old Navy or something.
She summoned her superhuman strength and pantsed him.
Luckily I have an extensive martial-arts background from watching anime with Jared and I knew that one must never bone the sensei.
"Yeah," said the kid, examining a black fingernail, "well, you look like someone pumped about three hundred pounds of cat barf into a cheap suit and gave it a bad haircut."
Before he gave Monet the gun, he made him swear that no one would be wearing gang colors, so nothing Monet did could come back on him. Monet had made the assurance, then, after P.J. did a Google search for gang colors, they settled on orange do-rags, since no gang seemed to claim that one.
"Highway Safety Posse, yo," Monet had said.
"Yo, Stone Tangerine Thugs, yo," suggested Fly.
He had a wife and five children, and although he had never disposed of a dead hooker before, he thought that it couldn't be any worse than changing the diaper on a gloopy infant.
"Hey, Skeeter. Frisco turned you into an ass bandit yet?"
"Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas."
My room was the wine cellar, then my dad crashed his car and started twelve-stepping, so I got this sweet room for my own. Abby says it's dank and disgusting—and she says it like it's a bad thing! I think it's just her perky side manifesting. I love her, but she really can be perky sometimes—don't tell her I said so."
Fortunately she wasn't around in sixth grade when Jared and I actually did our mummy project. We got in trouble for charging three hundred dollars' worth of Ace bandages on my mom's Visa, and my sister Ronnie has never fully recovered the feeling in her feet (and has an anxiety attack whenever she's in an enclosed space). But there was no gangrene or amputations like the doctors threatened, and we got a B, so I don't see what all the noise and counseling was about.
I believe hip-hop to be the appropriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.
Tommy had expected a bit of a monster based on Jared's description of his father. Instead what he saw was a bit of an accountant.
"You shut up. How did your family know I was a vampire?"
"Well, certainly not from your wardrobe."
Put a Lid on It by Donald
Westlake tells of a man sprung from federal prison to steal something
for the committee to reelect the President.
That was one of the great things about
the law; they couldn't help but make it too complicated, so that in the
nooks and crannies an actual person might live.
"You call the cops, and I steal a car and drive to Idaho."
She said, "Idaho? Why Idaho?"
"Because the feds are afraid to go there."
"You're still a bachelor, huh?"
"No," Meehan told him, "I'm still an ex-husband. Our needs are greater."
"I had just about given up on you," she said.
"Most people do," Meehan said. He was used to it.
"Answer questions briefly, volunteer nothing."
"I have volunteered nothing," Meehan told her, "every day of my life."
Meehan didn't dare turn his head to see how Goldfarb was dealing with it, but he assumed attorneys got the fisheye all the time and had worked out coping mechanisms.
"This could blow up in everybody's faces, this could be worse than Watergate, worse than Iran-Contra, worse than the little blue dress."
Meehan said, "You people kind of specialize in farce down there in DC, don't you?"
"Not on purpose," Jeffords said.
"I know recidivist, that's what's going on my tombstone, Francis Xavier Meehan, Recidivist. But what's the other?"
She grinned at him. "That's funny," she said. "The one word every autodidact doesn't know is autodidact. It means self-taught."
"And yet," she said, "you were married once, you at least thought you were gonna settle down."
"You don't think when you get married," he told her, "or you wouldn't do it."
God Save the Mark by
Donald Westlake is a 1967 book about a man who is always the victim of
con games, until ...
"Oh, isn't this sweet," she said,
looking around the living room. "Of course, it could use the masculine
"Well, you'd be the one to give it," I said, and went over to the telephone.
Atop the television set in one corner of the living room was a lamp of such monumental ugliness as to be magnificently impressive, like Chicago.
"I'll do it," he promised. "And now
we've got to talk.:
"Later," I said, and hung up. I well knew the dangers in allowing me to be talked to.
Having them all piled up like this was eye-opening, because for the first time I could see just how ridiculous they were. Just as one nude woman is beautiful but a nudist colony is only silly.
"Strippers need bongos like folk singers need guitars."
The Road to Ruin by Donald
Westlake, Mysterious Press, 2004
Dortmunder's gang is planning to steal antique cars on the rural Pennsylvania estate of disgraced billionaire Monroe Hall.
Because Monroe was rich, Alicia, who was his first wife, looked like a second wife, so, even when sulking, he watched her walk with a great deal of pleasure.
[To Kelp's girlfriend Anne Marie] "And
you think he'd do this for you."
"Oh, sure." Laughing lightly, she said, "He always liked me. He used to dandle me on his knee."
"When you were a little girl."
"Oh, seventeen, eighteen," she said. Getting to her feet, she said, "Let me make some calls."
"English was good enough for my father, and it was good enough for his father, and it would've been good enough for his father if he'd been here."
Isn't that, after all, what it really means to be an American? All of the current resistance to a national identification card (and many years ago, for the same reason, to the Social Security number), all of the alarm about the threats to "privacy," are based on the simple American conviction, from the very beginning of the immigrant experience, that it was the ultimate right of every American, if circumstances happened to call for such drastic measures, to turn himself into somebody new.
But Detective Cohen was not finished with his cheerful smiles and his bad news. "All in all, Mark," he said, "it's a good thing you spoke. Without you, we'd never have found that lodge, or you, or your friend Faulk's name, or anything. Yes, sir, Mark, without you coming forward the way you did, the entire Monroe Hall kidnapping would have remained a complete mystery forever. I'll send your lawyer in now, shall I?"
Heavy-drinking London actor
Charles Paris investigates an impressario's death.
Cast, in Order of Disappearance
by Simon Brett, Charles Scribner's Sons, 1975
Heavy-drinking London actor Charles Paris investigates an impressario's death.
"Impresario Marius Steen, the man behind such stage successes as One Thing After Another, Who's Afraid of the Big Bed Wolf? and, of course, his current smash-hit at the King's Theatre, Sex of One and Half a Dozen of the Other ...
"Jacqui, am I being used merely for
revenge? As a sex-object?"
"Yes. Any objections?"
Charles looked at her quizzically and
she explained. "Marius had given me some money to buy a car, but it
hardly seems worth buying one now, with all this petrol scene."
Charles reflected momentarily on the difference between a tart and a whore and decided he was being a bit harsh.
He rang up Bernard Walton, currently starring in Virgin on the Ridiculous at the Dryden Theatre.
"Seventy-four years in the business,
that was, Charlie. Seventy-four."
"And you wouldn't have had it any other way."
"Good God, yes. It was Lennie who wanted all that. I wanted to be a professional footballer."
"The first act he managed was Herbert and his Horrible Dogs in 1924."
His head was crowned with an astonished crest of dyed hair. It had that brittle crinkly texture born of much hairdressing, and was ginger, of a brightness to which nature has always been too shy to aspire.
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