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by Strange de Jim
|Here's Grand Marshal Cyndi
Lauper starting the turn onto Market Street for the Gay Pride Parade.
I've done a separate web page with lots of photos at www.strangebillions.com/
|Owner Les Natalie has scrapped the name 18th Street Bar and is renaming the old Pendulum after the legendary Castro Street 1970s bar Toad Hall.|
|A wedding chapel has opened at 18th and Hartford to perform gay marriages.|
|That's columnist Hank Donat on the right, who just married Jeff on the left.|
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Sent by Cindy Morse
Colonoscopies. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "This month gay people in California will gain the power to make the biggest mistake of their lives."
Stephen Colbert: "College has all the discomforts of prison, without the lasting relationships."
Craig Ferguson on the 70s: "Remember disco balls? You got them from the polyester pants."
Dave Letterman on Father's Day: "As a gift for an older dad have you considered Barbara Walters?"
Joel McHale on The Soup: "The Brokeback Mountain opera will star two unknowns. One will be a tenor, and the other a catcher."
Larry the Cable Guy: "I lose twenty more pounds, and the wife will let me back on top. We had a big fight on Easter. I'd been holding my farts for Lent. My two-year-old daughter may grow up to be a Wal-Mart greeter. All she does is say hi and bye and crap her pants. My grandpa's been falling down. The doctor says when he walks he should tuck his testicles into his sox."
Jay Leno was happy to attend the marriage of the gay couple on his block. Both grooms wore white bridal gowns. "It's the first time I ever saw both parties to a wedding so excited." The night before, a fire engine roared up, and fifteen firemen ran into the couple's house. "Yeah, I decided to skip the bachelor party." "Someday gay wedding will be as common as Pam Anderson weddings." "I feel sorry for the women. Now in L.A. all the best men are married and gay."
Jon Stewart: "Our next story is about Barack Obama's vagina. The October surprise is in his pants." "Two women were married in California today. I don't know why God took it out on the Midwest." "I'm for gay marriage, but I worry about a child with two Jewish mothers." A story about Obama speaking in front of a banner that read "VIET NAM BLACK VETERANS ASSOCIATION" showed his head with just "NAM BLA."
Dave Letterman: "McCain is going after women over 60. Who does he think he is, Ashton Kutcher?"
Jay Leno's "Headlines" featured an ad for "Drive-thru colorectal screening."
Craig Ferguson: "Gay marriages started in California today. Congratulations to Mr. and Mr. Seacrest."
Conan O'Brien: "A new machine lets airport security see the size of your penis. There's nothing more flattering than being told, 'You'll have to check that.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Most protests have come from parents of gay people, who now have to shell out for expensive weddings."
Wanda Sykes to Jay Leno: "If you don't believe in same sex marriage, don't marry someone of the same sex."
Dave Letterman and Will Smith were pretending to be about to get married. Will: "You've never been to Moscow, have you? We should go on our honeymoon." Dave: "Okay, but I don't want to spend all the time at the hotel. I want to get out and see stuff." Will: "Once you go black, you'll never go back." Dave: "Going black is one thing, but this!"
Craig Ferguson (demonstrating): "Tennis is gay waving with equipment."
Dave Letterman: "For a while they thought it was a porno of Mini Me, but they've examined it more carefully, and the tape has been returned to Tom Cruise." To tourists in audience: "Have fun. Next month all the hookers will go to Minneapolis for the Republican National Convention. Sen. Larry Craig has already booked his airport restroom."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Bill Gates was asked to leave after they found a stupendous amount of porn on his office computer." Fred Willard on Jimmy Kimmel: "At the GLAAD Awards I saw a transvestite saying to her date, 'Does this dress make my penis look small?'"
Rowdy in Paris by Tim Sandlin, Riverhead Books 2008 $24.95
Page 3 - Self-evident Truth #1: The world over, cowboys are the envy of honest men and heart's desire of adventurous women. Real cowboys are the top link in the food chain and bull riders are to cowboys what cowboys are to the rest of the male population. A man can dream of no higher aspiration than to survive eight seconds astride a rough-stock bull. ... but deep inside their guts and nuts I've never met a man yet who doesn't wish he had what it takes.
5 - I don't aspire to normal cowboy poetry. My goal is Andy Devine dates Walt Whitman. Or Emily Dickinson finds bliss with Brad Pitt and they both write an ode to the afterglow.
10 - I finished leaking, zipped it up, and headed for the door. The man said, "In Colorado, we wash our hands after we urinate." I looked back at him. "In Wyoming, we don't pee on ourselves."
11 - ... and tipped my hat like you're supposed to when a woman gives you money.
14 - Then they list the sins right in front of impressionable kids who don't know there's two sides to a snake.
23 - The one doing Cher-on-PMS cracked a tiny, snakelike smile.
29 - "Where were you when it came time to watch my back?" "I was watching it. Nobody touched you from that side."
33 - Odette picked up the beaded purse. She said, "Only an American would think sex should be fair."
41 - Both times had been almost all oral with no penetration. Down South they wouldn't have even called it sex.
42 - As I drifted off to sleep, Giselle finally had an orgasm. The shriek came at me from far off, like a mountain lion celebrating her kill.
45 - "They don't let people put stuff on the Internet that isn't true. Whole thing would be worthless if they did."
47 - There's no glory in a rough stock rider punching out a timed event cowboy, you might as well beat up your granny.
48 - Then came breakfast at IHOP. After four cups of coffee the waitress quit offering refills and I had to track her down, cup in hand.
I know how much tourists are held in contempt by those who feed off them. As the Tubbies flew out of a hole in the ground, we'd both shout their names Ñ Tinky Winky! Dipsy! La La! Po! Ñ then we'd fall over in a giggle heap. We don't do that anymore.
57 - McDonald's may be as close to stability as most people who live on the road ever come. Even bat poop tastes good when you can count on it.
[Skip whole gobs of good stuff.]
184 - I acted the way any American male would. I sulked until someone gave me food. In Wyoming we call fat women Vespas on account of they're both fun to ride but it's embarrassing as hell if your friends catch you on one.
185 - "Cowboys are secure in their gender, so they don't have anything to prove. They can write poetry."
187 - "What is the bull like? ... For eight seconds, life is pure."
196 - A sign on one place said LIVE SEX. This was the only part of town where they had English on all the signs. We passed a dance hall called Moulin Rouge. I suppose they named it after the movie.
[Skip whole gobs of good stuff.]
250 - If I stayed another day or two I would no doubt establish hangouts and start keeping up with the private traumas of waitresses. Being on the road so much, I'd developed the ability to infiltrate scenes. 252 - The one good thing I'd found about Paris so far was most of the people are short. Being able to look across the crowd was a new deal for me.
253 - Odette blinked three times and looked like she might cry. I'd hurt her feelings, but Jeez Louise, publicly renounce them. Whatever happened to cut off their genitals?
260 - "I'm the reason Michael is dead. I'm sorry." Odette gave one of her French shrugs I love so much. Her eyes slicked up, just a tad. "The inheritance will be a comfort in my sorrow."
270 - I had a two-night affair with a woman who sold real estate and collected bull riders. She had a trophy wall. Made me feel like a real cowboy again.
272 - The girl brought Ty's hot chocolate. [Ty is his son.] When he took his first sip, the whipped cream left a thin, white mustache on his lip. I could have died right then.
274 - I held out my hand. Tyson shook hands, solemnly. After a moment, he stepped forward between my knees and hugged me around the belly. I bent over and hugged him back. His hair smelled good. Little boy good. Earlier I'd thought the hug from Odette was the hug I'd remember when I got senile, but now I changed that. This was the hug that made going on worth the mess. "No matter what your mom or anyone else says, you know that I love you, son."
|Click to see my photo history of San Francisco's Castro.|
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© 2008 by Ash-Kar Press