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Castro Photos, Funny Pictures & Late-Night-TV Zingers

by Strange de Jim

July 2008



 

Castro Photos

The pink bunnies were out again, waving to cars and pedestrians.

 

What fun!

 

San Francisco Chronicle, Leah Garchik's column, 7/14/08: And Tyler MacNiven, who enlisted the help of strangers to push him in a chair on wheels from the MIssion District to the Golden Gate Bridge, got a push around Market and Octavia from Strange de Jim. "Who's Stranger than I?" asks Mr. de Jim, who did the good deed on his birthday [July 9]. And for that occasion, he cites the wisdom of writer Terry Pratchett: "Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened."

[If you look up Tyler MacNiven on Wikipedia, you'll find he's pulled wonderful stunts, including winning $1,000,000 on The Amazing Race.]

 

Someone created this little world in a tree on Noe between 18th and Ford.

 

From Neatorama.com

Click for 30 creepiest trees.

Click for more airplane house.

Click for baby animals.

Click for kinetic sculpture video.

Click for more old age bumper stickers.

Click for more guerilla marketing.

Click for more ways to hide an elephant.

Click for prank monkey video.

 

Sent by Gregg Slapak

For the Pope's visit to Australia

Late-Night-TV Zingers

Kathy Griffin: "It's so amazing that Barbra Streisand still thinks she has a good side."

Conan O'Brien: "A woman was arrested for having 27 grams of cocaine in her vagina. Police became suspicious when her vagina wouldn't stop talking." "To avoid sexism Virginia is replacing its 'Men at Work' signs with 'Men and Women Who Look Like Men at Work' signs." "South Carolina has canceled its program to attract gay tourists, so for the 30th year in a row North Carolina is the gayest Carolina." "Michael Jackson canceled his tour with New Kids on the Block when he learned they aren't really kids." "Many Olympic athletes are testing positive for Viagra. Which explains why some runners are winning really close races, and not by a nose."

Jay Leno: "After the stimulus checks came out, porn sales shot up 30%. Guys used their stimulus packages to stimulate their packages." "They say wine is good for your colon, but I prefer drinking it the regular way." "Barack Obama has promised his girls a puppy after the election, and Jesse Jackson has volunteered to neuter it." "The U.S. leads the world in marijuana and cocaine use. You know who's second? Amy Winehouse." "A study found 48% of high school students had had sex. The other 52% hadn't met the right teacher." "In San Francisco there's a 75-year-old stripper. When you stuff $5 in her G-string she sends it to her grandson for his birthday. Her stripper pole has guard rails."

Craig Ferguson: "John McCain says if gay people want babies they should get them the old fashioned way." "What do they call the man-girdle? Oh yeah, the Shatner."

British actor Russell Brand on Conan O'Brien: "When I met the Queen a little part of me was saying, 'Grab her boobs!'" Comedian Eugene Mermin: "They put me in special ed because I was slow, but I stayed for the ladies."

Best Week Ever on VH1 on Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman breaking up: "Sarah hasn't announced who'll be filling her late-night slot."

Stephen Colbert: "Hey, In Touch Magazine, if Brad and Angelina turn you down, I've got a pair of twins you can photograph!"

Dave Letterman: "It's sunny and 86 today. Just like Kathie Lee." "Before Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat was sex with a hooker on a cable car." "Emeril Lagasse was arrested for pulling his pork."

Overheard at Cafe Flore: "My wife just ran off with my new best friend." "Who?" "Never met him."

Jay Leno's "Headlines" had a restaurant advertising "Strolling Menstrals" and a classified ad for a "meat grinder and box of puppies." Jay, after Christian Bale's reputed assault on his mother: "I guess Batman vs. Mamma Mia wasn't just in theaters." "In Israel Obama looked so Jewish Jesse Jackson wanted to circumcise him." On the alleged Madonna/A-Rod porn tape: "If you've made a porn tape, and your name's already A-Rod, what's your porn name?"

Dave Letterman: "Today was day 18 of the Tour de France. That's the swimsuit competition." Some guy yelled at Dave on the street, "Why don't I see you on TV anymore?" Dave told him, "I got fired." Bandleader Paul Shaffer: "Fired? You must have been thinking of Leno." Nathan Lane on Letterman: "I felt wonderful, like Andy Dick three hours before the mug shot." Larry "Bubbles" Brown on Letterman: "Gays can get married now. Haven't they suffered enough?" "Cloning human beings is like counterfeiting pennies." "We elected an oilman, and gas went to $5 a gallon. Hope we don't elect a pimp."

Joel McHale on The Soup: "So that's two autobiographies for Torri Spelling to zero for Albert Einstein."

Isaac Asimov's Black Widowers Series

The Black Widowers are a group of men who meet once a month for dinner. One member brings a guest with a problem. The members all try to solve it, and then the brilliant waiter comes up with the correct solution. I love the way Asimov makes fun of himself:

Mario Gonzalo said, "Asimov? Isn't he Manny's friend, the one who's even more stuck on himself than Manny is, if you can believe it?" Emmanuel Rubin turned his entire body to face Gonzalo and pointed his finger. "Asimov is not my friend. He merely dogs my footsteps because he needs help on various simple points of science before he can write his so-called stories." "I looked him up in Books in Print, Manny," said Gonzalo, grinning. "He writes a lot more ..." "Books than I do," Rubin finished. "Yes, I know. That's because I don't sacrifice quality for quantity."

Here they are in chronological order.

. . . . . .

The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld

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The Wit & Wisdom of Discworld by Terry Pratchett, compiled by Stephen Briggs, HarperCollins 2007

Among my favorite books are the Discworld novels of Terry Pratchett. Wit & Wisdom outlines the plots and gives some of the best quotes from each book.

"Although Granny Weatherwax was aware that somewhere under her complicated strata of vests and petticoats there was some skin, that didn't mean she approved of it."

"All dwarfs have beards and wear many layers of clothing. Their courtships are largely concerned with finding out, in delicate and circumspect ways, what sex the other dwarf is."

"The Patrician said it was two hundred dollars per capita; if per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged."

"'No one could say I'm the sort to take offense at criticism,' declared Granny Weatherwax. 'Not twice, anyway,' said Nanny."

I've prepared a whole web page with my own favorite Discworld quotes. Click here.

 

Barbara Walters' Audition

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Audition by Barbara Walters, Alfred A. Knopf 2008

Her father was Lou Walters, who owned the famous Latin Quarter in New York (opened April 22, 1942) and who made and lost several fortunes. She also had a mentally challenged sister Jackie whom she had to care for all her life, All the big entertainers like Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Sophie Tucker, even Frank Sinatra, appeared at the Latin Quarter, and Ed Sullivan, Walter Winchell and all the columnists were there every night. Mayor Bloomberg in 2006 named 48th & Broadway "Lou Walters Way." Lou also produced Broadway plays, so Barbara got to go to all the big openings. He got Erte to do all his costumes.

 

Page 21 - "You didn't have a terrible childhood. Helen Keller had a terrible childhood."

55 - Milton Berle now started his routine: "I knew Lou Walters before he could speak Latin and didn't have a quarter."

65 - One law student boyfriend would take me back to my hotel room after the evening's major activity, which was usually drinking rum and Coke from paper cups. There was no question of his spending the nightÑthose were very innocent daysÑbut I remember pretending to fall asleep so that he could touch my breasts under my sweater. Though kissing was okay, God forbid you should act as if you enjoyed what we called "petting." By feigning sleep, I reasoned, he wouldn't think I enjoyed it. But I did.

[She went to Sarah Lawrence. One teacher was the noted British poet Stephen Spender, whose daughter Lizzie is married to Barry Humphries, Dame Edna's manager, who believes he is Dame Edna.]

66 - The rise of television was the beginning of the end of my father's success.

69 - [With her family] We went to the South of France and spent three weeks in Cannes. I got hit on by the notorious playboy actor Errol Flynn, but I paid him no mind. He was way too old. Far more fun was the group of people my age who were staying at the hotel, the sons of daughters of Hollywood moguls.

73 - [Started working in publicity department of New York's NBC affiliate WNBT. Had an affair with her boss Ted Cott.] Ted was at least ten years older than I, balding and short, with a little bit of a belly. Even with the belly, he was the first man I slept with.

92 - [Her father tried to kill himself.] I told Winchell that my father was suffering from exhaustion and had suffered a mild heart attack.

97 - [She dated Sen. Joseph McCarthy's notorious lawyer Roy Cohn. They were stuck in traffic.] The traffic lights changed from red to green and to red again, but nothing moved. Except for Roy. "Come on," he said suddenly. "We're getting out." And with that he simply got out of the car, slammed the door, and started walking toward the restaurant. I scrambled after him in disbelief.

99 - Philippe, older and more experienced than the men I had known, was a great lover, tender and passionate. I grew up sexually.

103 - [Her father got into trouble with the I.R.S., and Roy Cohn took care of it.]

114 - From time to time over the years Roy [Cohn] asked me to marry him. I think he thought he should be married. Plus he liked children, and he obviously liked me, so why not marry? Of course I never seriously considered it. But I became Roy's claim to heterosexuality. Whenever a reporter asked Roy why he never married, he always said he had wanted to marry me but was too busy and was married to his work.

165 - [She and hubby Lee adopted baby Jackie.]

179 - [Interviewing Henry Kissinger] "The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault," he said.

193 - [Barbara hosted Not for Women Only.] For example, on one program a sex therapist demonstrated how to discourage a premature ejaculation by using a rolled-up towel to simulate a penis and showing the audience where to squeeze it. This was valuable information. Weeks later, I was on a shuttle from New York to Washington when a young man approached me and asked me how hard to squeeze a penis. I was about to report him to the flight attendant until I realized he had watched Not for Women Only and was seriously asking for my expert opinion.

194 - [Barwall Productions. Halston gave her clothes.]

195 - [Richard Nixon got Prince Philip and Henry Kissinger to be interviewed by her.]

196 - [First Presidential interview with Nixon March 1971.]

197 - [Sinatra got mad at her and stayed mad when she called to confirm a rumor and he thought she was just a gossip.]

200 - At NBC Frank McGee came on and hated her.

215 - Got to go on Nixon's historic trip to China.

241 - [Nixon impeachment] "Come on, Peter. Sink to the occasion."

255 - Edward W. Brooke was the first African American elected to the US Senate since Reconstruction. He served two terms, from 1967 to 1979.

258 - I told Brooke that I could no longer live like this. He was married. It had to end. But Brooke was not having just another flirtation. Our relationship had all but reached the point of no return, so he did something neither he nor I had ever imagined he would do. It was something that would put his whole political career in jeopardy. He went home and asked his wife for a divorce. She was furious. I don't blame her.

259 - I met Alan Greenspan in 1975, at a tea dance in Washington.

299 - The comedian Gilda Radner chose that summer to present her caricature of meÑBaba WawaÑon Saturday Night Live.

328 - [She got exclusive interview with Fidel Castro.] To my astonishment, and the wide-eyed amazement of the few tourists in front of the hotel, the car turned out to be a jeep and the driver was Castro himself. This was not to be an ordinary journey.

334 - The Historic Interview: Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin

344 - The party was a great success. As Henry Kissinger said in his brief and amusing remarks, "I have not addressed such a distinguished audience since dining alone in the Hall of Mirrors."

369 - [Her sister Jackie died in 1985 of ovarian cancer. Barbara met Merv Adelson in 1984 and married him in 1986. He was rich show biz.]

374 - [Her mother died in June 1988 at the age of ninety-one.]

388 - "Why should I try to find my biological mother?" [daughter] Jackie said with a grin. "Haven't I had enough trouble with you?"

390 - [She and Merv divorced in 1990. No hard feelings.]

401 - Now I will brag a little. I have interviewed, at least once, every US president (and first lady) since Richard Nixon. [Whole chapter on them.]

402 - [Mrs. Johnson's reply to question about Lyndon's flirting] "Lyndon loves people and 50 percent of those people are women."

403 - [Nixon told her how to avoid being cut out of a photo.] "Put your arm through the arm of the person you are next to and then they can't cut you out because your arm would still be there."

471 - Uncommon Criminals. Patricia Hearst, JonBenet Ramsey, Michael Milken, Martha Stewart, O.J. Simpson

504 - Celebrities Who Affected My Life. Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Robert Smithdas (blind and deaf poet), Richard Pryor, the Dalai Lama, Christopher Reeve,

506 - [Spencer] Tracy died of heart failure in 1967, just two weeks after completing his last film with Hepburn, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. She found him lying on her kitchen floor and immediately called his wife, Louise. It was the first time the two women had talked, and when Mrs. Tracy and her children arrived to make the funeral arrangements, the first time they met. Hepburn didn't attend the funeral out of respect for Tracy's family. "I was not his wife," she told me in a quiet voice. Instead, she said, she drove by the funeral to watch the crowds gathering to honor him. She never watched Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. "The memories," she said, "were too painful."

507 - When she died in 2003 at the age of ninety-six, the lights of Broadway were dimmed in tribute. [In one of their interview Ms. Hepburn said she sometimes felt like a tree, so Barbara naturally asked what kind of tree.]

520 - Monica Lewinsky

522 - Tripp was not alone when Monica met her at the mall. She was accompanied by two armed FBI agents who led her to room 1012 in the adjoining Ritz Carlton hotel, where six members of Ken Starr's staff were waiting for her. It was, Monica told me later, the most frightening day of her life. For hours on end they threw questions at her and threatened her with twenty-seven years in prison for perjury, witness tampering, and obstruction of justice. Even worse, she said, the prosecutors also threatened her mother with criminal charges of obstruction of justice because of statements Monica had supposedly made in the Tripp tapes about her mother's knowledge of the affair. The prosecutors promised Lewinsky immunity, then and there, if she told them everything about her relationship with Clinton and agreed to wear a wire to record conversations with the president's friend Vernon Jordan, the president's secretary, Betty Currie, and possibly even the president himself. To her credit, which has rarely been acknowledged, Monica refused.


Click to see my photo history of San Francisco's Castro.

 

Heck, you might as well check out all my books.

Click for free text

. . .

 

Books, CDs & DVDs I
Found Good &/or Funny

www.strangebillions.com/fun/

 

 

Here are Amazon.com's Current Top Gay Books.

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Amazon's Top Humor Books

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Amazon.com's Top Stand-Up Comic DVDs

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Kindle

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