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My Funniest July Ever

by Strange de Jim

July 2006

Out of the Castro and into Morgantown, WV, & beyond

"Hands you can sit on. Why didn't I think of that?" was my thought as I walked down High Street in Morgantown, WV, on a visit back East to see de fambly.

They were $177 each at Cool Ridge, but I didn't think I'd be able to fit one beneth my seat or even in the overhead compartment on the trip home.

I was, however, able to pick up this t-shirt with a reference to John 7:37.

It's explained on the back.

And just outside Morgantown is a great place to talk to the trees.

Meanwhile, Out in the Semi-Real World

On neatorama.com I saw this photo of Christopher Gilbert's art.

Going to Christopher Gilbert's site, I found this and many other interesting pictures.

Also on neatorama.com I found these censored sunglasses at this site.

Not to mention a site with lots of funny British shop names.

A friend let me know an age-old problem has been solved.

And then came the traditional 4th of July cookout...

I just finished two books by Stephen Humphrey Bogart, the son of Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

In Play It Again the hero is the son of two movie stars. His father died and his mom neglected him. He solves her murder.

In The Remake: As Time Goes By, it's murders of those involved in a trashy remake of one of the greatest movies of all time. In the final scene the hero and heroine must say good-bye at an airport in order to save the world.

I thought it was interesting that to me he looks more like his mother, but people only tell his fictional hero that he looks like his father.

Here's the flag at Harvey Milk Plaza whipping in the wind.

In the Safeway at Church and Market I saw a man wearing my own philosophy: "Will Not Work for Anything."

On July 6 Russian President Vladimir Putin pulled up a little boy's shirt and kissed his stomach, because "he seemed to me very independent, sure of himself and at the same time defenseless, so to speak, an innocent boy and a very nice little boy. I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten, and that desire of mine ended in that act."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show said, "I still don't want to send my son to Camp Putin this summer." Jon offered Putin advice on meeting crowds. Men, handshake only. Middle aged women, you can pat them on the back. Kids? Anything not covered by clothes. If you have to lift something up, you're in trouble. Babies? "Pretty much anything but the anus."

Other Late Night Funnies

Jay Leno lamented the Oregon school teacher who had sex with six of her male students. "Where is the one-on-one attention?"

Jay also quoted Woody Allen as saying the secret of staying thin is the same as the secret to great sex. "I guess he means order off the children's menu."

Jimmy Kimmel explained the Pakistani inmate who got a light bulb up his butt without knowing how it happened. "He was probably riding on the shoulders of another inmate when the guy had an idea."

David Letterman on the discovery that Albert Einstein had a whole slew of mistresses. "Apparently E went into more than mc-squared."

On Jay Leno, Owen Wilson said he was in Spain promoting the animated film Cars when he realized that his voice was dubbed into Spanish, so he actually wasn't in the movie at all.

David Letterman pointed out that baseball has banned performance enhancing drugs, yet every other commercial is for Viagra."

Jay. "'We're all richer for having known him.' They didn't say that at Ken Lay's funeral."

Jay Leno's "Headlines" had this mistake from a Greek restaurant's menu: "Enjoy the testes of Greece."

Jay, commenting on Oprah saying she's not gay, remarked he thought it was no one else's business. "For instance, what Kevin and I do is ... Tell them how you got the job." Bandleader Kevin: "It was very quick."

Jay on Paris Hilton saying she's going to remain celibate for a year. "She feels like a big weight has been lifted off her abdomen."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It was so hot in New York today that they didn't even have to fire up the cauldron on The View."

Weird Al has a new parody of Jame's Blunt's "You're Beautiful." It's called "You're Pitiful." Click to hear it at http://www.weirdalforum.com/private/yourepitiful.mp3.

The Castro Makes the Late Night Funnies

The Daily Show had a segment on Jeremy Paul who moved to the Castro with his wife and kids and now wants the porno stores to clean up their windows. Interviewer Ed Helms told him it was like moving next to an airport and then complaining about the noise.

Then Ed interviewed the fellow shown here, Mark Walsh, the manager of Rock Hard sex shop. Mark said it was like moving next to an airport and then complaining about the noise. Ed said, "What do you mean? That makes no sense."

Mark said he'd cleaned up the display a lot, but "I will always show a dildo in my window."

Then Ed picked up a big black dildo and pretended it was Darth Vader. "Luke, I am your father."

More Castro Doings

The famous rainbow steps on Castro between 18th and 19th are going to have to be torn down in order to make the stores handicap accessible. So get your photo taken on them while you still can.

Cafe Flore's first Aloha Friday is July 21.

Looks lively.

More Funnies

Jay Leno reported Dubya explaining his first veto by saying, "Stem cells can be dangerous, especially when you talk on them while driving." About the other news, Jay said he wasn't upset at Dubya using a four-letter word. "If he uses a four-syllable word, I'll worry."

It was Wanda Sykes who said, "Come on, you knew he was slow when you elected him." She was on Jay again promoting the new film in which she plays a cow. "Yeah, they didn't tell me it was an animated film, so I gained 2,000 pounds."

Will a certain German Chancellor turn out to be Dubya's Monica Lewinsky?

Dave Letterman showed poor Christie Brinkley's first husband Billy Joel rushing to her side to comfort her after her fourth hubby cheated on her with a couple of 19-year olds. It was a video clip of a car crashing.

Back in de Castro

This sign was on a garage on 18th Street near Dolores.

Here's the DJ at the Cafe Flore's first Aloha Friday, July 21.

At the Castro Theatre Mildred Pierce with Ann Blyth in person July 21 and the Jewish Film Festival thru July 27.

On the home front, our hall is sanded, stairs carpeted, and walls painted.

More Funnies

Dave Letterman said it was so hot Dubya addressed the NAACP Convention just for the cool reception. "He spoke for ten minutes and then gave back rubs."

Joel McHale of The Soup commenting on Oprah announcing she isn't gay. "It's a good thing she didn't announce she is gay, or we'd never have heard about Lebanon."

While hosting the ESPY Awards, Lance Armstrong addressed Jake Gyllenhaal in the audience: "Why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear."

Chelsea Handler, star of one of my fave programs, The Chelsea Handler Show, on E! at 10:30 Fridays, said that when she gets a massage she always tells the masseur, "I keep most of my stress in my breasts."

Chelsea to a fake Angelina Jolie: "So who's a better kisser, Billy Bob or your brother?"

Chelsea also has a wonderful book entitled My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. Here are a few quotes.

“I heard that men fall asleep after they have sex,” Sloane offered.
“Dad didn’t look tired when he was chasing me with his belt,” I told her.

Obviously, I would need to tell all the first graders about seeing my parents have sex.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second … or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

We went back to my guy’s house and proceeded to have some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I fall a lot, but other than that I can pretty much control my liquor. Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look “more together.”

More from Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life:

Every guy she dated was absolutely in love with her. I mean, Ivory was very attractive and funny, but men acted like her vagina had some sort of potpourri shooting out of it. Anyway, Jorge proposed and Ivory accepted like she always did until she sobered up and realized Jorge probably just wanted his visa.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes away from getting his first period.

But first I needed to know if I had slept with a midget, and I needed to know fast. “Did we have sex?” I asked.
Eric was quick to blurt our, “We can if you want to.”

Rock bottom is for sissies. I’ve hit rock bottom dozens of times. I’ve woken up next to a billy goat, for Christ sakes. You don’t just give up!

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

But it doesn’t end after the wedding. Next they want you to come over and watch the wedding video. Like I really want to see footage of me passed out in a cake.

THUNDER called me the next week. He tried to tell me his real name, but I quickly interrupted him. “I like THUNDER. Let’s just stick with that for now.”
“Okay, I guess, but no one really calls me that,” his husky voice replied. This guy was giving me too many details

[On small men] What are they supposed to do? I guess they could have penile enlargements, but are people really doing that? I hope so.

His name was Buck. It was easy to remember because it rhymed with what we were going to do later.

“Did you just hit me?” I turned to look at him so he wasn’t staring at the back of my head.
“You seem to like it,” he said breathing heavily. The truth was that I did kind of like it, but at the same time, it seemed so violent that I felt as if I should object. I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

I left soon after sex because the bed was uncomfortable and I prefer to do my walks of shame in the evening, when it’s not so bright.

He must have laughed at everything I said, which can be very annoying, but only in the morning.

I don’t know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I had long surpassed the golden years of experiencing sheer and utter elation in disappointing my father. At around twenty-four I realized I was just chasing that initial high you get the first time you tell your father at the age of sixteen that you’re pregnant and thinking about keeping it.

I had learned my lesson the hard way about laced marijuana and was too drunk to smoke marijuana that wasn’t laced.

I love places that are spread out like that; this way once you embarrass yourself in one area, another forum is just a hop, skip, and jump away.

I was on the Discovery Channel’s Web site trying to get my hands on a monkey when my cell phone rang. Nathan called to ask if I would be his beard at his high school reunion. We had done this type of thing before, on numerous occasions. I would hit on a guy whom Nathan liked, and if he didn’t respond to me, Nathan would move in. This way no one ever found out that Nathan was indeed a flaming homosexual, unless Nathan ended up sleeping with him, in which case he definitely knew.

This being an all-boys school, there were guaranteed to be dozens of men to harass. … I put on a sad, wounded, dovelike expression to let any potential male suitors know I was available and, more important, vulnerable.

[Because she didn't like the lady at the front desk, Chelsea's name tag read "Beulah."] “Beulah, what exactly do you do with the blind?” Val asked.
“I help them compete in relay races,” was the next thing I said.

Our wife-beaters read, “We support Bush” and “Bush Rules.” Since the party was after we had invaded Iraq, people thought we meant the president.

This was a complete disaster. I couldn’t believe Lydia would have sex while I was feet away in the same apartment. This wasn’t high school!

I like this house on 20th Street near Douglass.

The sign at Magnet Health Center on 18th near Castro.

Pedestrian overpass on Upper Market.

Injeanious on Castro left window.

Injeanious right window.

Tina Fey on Jay Leno telling about filming in a strip club and having a guy borrow some one-dollar bills. "They use singles in a strip club." Jay: "It's like playing the nickel slots. Literally." Tina is quitting her job as head writer on Saturday Night Live (and co-anchor on "Weekend Update") to appear in a series called 30 Rock, about a head writer on a comedy sketch show.

Craig Ferguson, host of the Late Late Show on CBS. has written a great novel called Between the Bridge and the River. Here are a few quotes.

His mother concentrated on Saul, who was the result of a knee-trembler with Peter Lawford in the parking lot of "Love-It's" Frozen Custard. No one was afraid of that English pansy. He had lovely hands, though.

It was the drama of the strap that really made it terrifying, though. The Ritual. The fact that a teacher, normally a sedate portly smoker with a disappointed air, would be so full of hate that he would shake off his torpor and use all that energy and a piece of expensive equipment to hurt a child was just awe inspiring to the victims. Nowadays, Scottish kids are contained using the much more humane system of the X-box and heroin.

The real reason Fraser left school is that he knew sooner or later a teacher would give him the strap and he wouldn't be able to hold the pee till he got to the bathroom. He would pee himself in front of the entire class.
Like most teenagers, he couldn't have lived with that.
He left school to save his life.

He was very grateful that he hadn't been brought up to believe that sex was a natural expression of love between a man and a woman. It would have taken all the fun out of it.

He had talked her up in front of the nasty wee damp men of Scottish journalism as they stood in their coven in front of the bar clutching their lagers and whiskies (always two drinks—one for each face).

Jack Trampas had told him about a sensational massage parlor ... the ideal spot to stop for a rub and a tug.

"And what does that mean?" inquired Jesus, who was really beginning to irritate Claudette with his holier-than-thou manner, although she was respectful of the fact that he actually was.

Palm Springs is a vulgar little burg, as a town that exists solely for its climate must be.

Because the town attracts the weak and infirm, it also attracts the evil and avaricious—after all, if you have a fair-sized hamlet of elderly sheep, you can bet that word will get around the vulture community.

Leon laughed, then so did Saul.
Always laugh second.

They thought what many do when they find themselves in Palm Springs for the first time: We have to get out of here.
Only the elderly want to stay in Palm Springs and that's only because the alternative is even less appealing.
Saul and Leon got a sign from God.
It was written on the front of a Greyhound bus.

A tall stunning brunette in a silver dress came over to him as he stood in the VIP enclosure. She took him by the hand and led him to the ladies' restroom, to the cheers of Leon and Bo and the laughter of the ladies in the Plastic Pussy Posse, who later became known as the Snatch Batch.

He got a rep as a "tough trick" among L.A. prostitutes but work's work and he wasn't as bad as some action-movie producers.

They couldn't help them all; only the U.S. government had that kind of money and they certainly were not going to be spending it on young black junkies. Unless, of course, it was to lock them up.

The aesthetic requirements to be a Hooters girl who actually waited on tables as opposed to a Hooters girl who appeared in Hooters advertising were very different.

She had been in a double history with Mr. Johnson (a.k.a. The Bladder, Leaky McSqueaky, and Trouserman), a shambolic old duffer who seemed to always have a little urine stain on the front of his pants, nine times out of ten shaped like a map of Africa. The dark incontinent.

Lance Bass of 'N Sync came out in People. That's his boyfriend, Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl. Jimmy Kimmel showed that photo and remarked, "Looks like somebody came out of the closet and landed smack dab on a dream. How could you not be gay with a guy like that?"

Jimmy also said, "People hasn't had a scoop like this since their 1985 'Bill Cosby is Black' issue."

Jay Leno said, "One of the 'N Sync guys is gay. Just one?" Then he added, "I thought he was 'N Sync. Sounds more like a Backstreet Boy.

Jon Stewart just announced solemnly, "Lance Bass, gay at 27."

Magnet Health Center agreed with Jay Leno's comment above.

Joel McHale on The Soup asked, "Lance, are you sure this isn't like the phase when you wanted to be an astronaut?"

Joel also mentioned Bush posing with American Idol winner Taylor Hicks and asking, "What does it feel like to get more votes than anyone else?"

Dave Letterman mentioned that Taylor Hicks got 4,000,000 more votes than Bush. "Ironically, so did Al Gore."

Dave Letterman on electricity being out in Queens for a week, and no one can find out why. "Con Ed is trying to talk Queens into becoming Amish."

Lewis Black on The Daily Show: "The first lesbian couple to marry in Massachusetts is divorcing. I'm guessing it's another woman. I think divorce should be a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. It's whole purpose is to ruin the lives of children."

Jon Stewart: "This time the Iraqi prime minister met with Bush in Washington, a city the president also blesses with surprise visits."

Dave Letterman: "Condi Rice was in Rome today and even visited the Vatican. All the priests were asking her, 'What's it like to be celibate?'"

Jay Leno: "Christie Brinkley's husband apologized to her in the New York Post and apologized to his mistress in Tiger Beat.

Craig Ferguson: "Mick Jagger is getting crotchety. Now he's singing, 'Hey, you, get off of my lawn.'"

This was on neatorama.com. Can you figure it out?

Here are some more signs. They're at http://darrenbarefoot.com/hall/index.html

Jay Leno explained the excitement over the American Tour de France winner being accused of having too much testosterone. "I think this is the first time they've found any testosterone in France."

On VH1's Best Week Ever they mentioned that Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who played Harry Potter, will appear nude onstage in Equus. "We hope his magic wand doesn't have hogwarts on it."

Saturday, July 29, was Paul Reuben (Pee Wee Herman) day at the Cafe Flore.

Here's a Pee Wee.

And two more characters.

It's what I've always said.

Click here for my visit to the Asian Art Museum August 1.

Click to see my photo history of San Francisco's Castro.

Click for Castro photos August 2006

Click for Castro photos June 2006

Click for all other Castro photos 1880s to present

Click on the icon below to see San Francisco's Castro on Amazon.com

If you're a real adventurer you may also want to try The Strange Experience and learn why a hundred cuties, including these,

were happy to be a geek's friend and to recommend his Strange massage. Click on the icon below for Amazon.com.

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