by Strange de Jim January 2007
Late-Night-TV Zingers & Funny Pictures
by Strange de Jim
Click here to design a seal such as the one above for yourself for free. This particular design is called a "blivet." I call it a tuning fork for going "om."
Eric Heilbronner gives free tarot
readings most Fridays and Saturdays at the Cafe Flore (Market &
Noe), with donations accepted if you want. He's been doing free
readings for ten years. You can arrange a specific appointment by
e-mailing him at email@example.com.
(The above coverage is from the Bay Area Reporter at ebar.com.)
You can read the Castro Theatre's
special programs on the marquee.
Les Natalie bought the old
Pendulum bar and was going to rename it Toad Hall, after the 1970s
hippie bar on Castro, but decided to go with the simple "18th Street
Bar" instead. The new awnings are up, so when I ran into him January 15
I asked when it'll open. "In 2007," he assured me.
Two Amazing Commercials, Dick in a Box, and a Baby Fart
Tranny, Trick, Mom and Kids -
Brilliant and hilarious, the reverse of what you'd think. Go to http://veryfunnyads.com/
Then click on "Tribeca Film Festival Transvestite."
Since they're emperor penguins,
in France the movie was called March of the Emperors. A man is
telling his girlfriend he saw the movie, and she's picturing Napoleons.
Then he gets to the tender part
where they pass each other their eggs—right after they've all had sex.
Go to youtube.com/watch?v=1NhSQARojp0
Justin Timberlake and Andy
Samberg did "Dick in a Box" on Saturday Night Live. Here's the
uncensored version: youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA
And here's a surprising baby
Around the City
From the tower of the de Young
Museum we can see the construction progress in Golden Gate Park.
Silver objects on a mirrored
table in the de Young.
I liked the late afternoon light
on this tree on JFK Drive in Golden Gate Park.
Here's the Macworld Expo, Jan. 8
- 12 at Moscone Center.
So many people, so much to see.
This was one of the more colorful
Next door to the Moscone Center.
Anderson, and my actor/director friend George Maguire at the
Balboa Theatre, where George is about to answer audience questions
about The Pursuit of Happyness in which he has a big scene with
For more sand sculptures click here.
Harbin Snow Festival
From My Friend Andrea Jacobson
More Funny Photos. I had so many this month I had to do a second page. CLICK HERE.
Jay Leno: "Gerald Ford was the only president who never won a presidential election, except George W. Bush." "Michael Jackson came to James Brown's funeral. That must have confused the undertaker." "A 67-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to twins. The good news is, she can push them in a stroller and breast feed them at the same time."
Jay Leno Headlines: "Lick for a cure
breast cancer benefit."
Grocery ad for "Dinty Moore chicken dumpings."
On a menu: "Bowel appetit"
On a medicine label: "Apply twice daily under jugs."
Sports headline: :A's Hole Keeps Getting Deeper."
David Letterman: "Here we drop a ball in Times Square. In Iraq they drop the dictator through the floor."
Conan O'Brien: "Britney Spears passed out New Years in Las Vegas. She said, 'I'm so embarrassed. I'll never show my vagina in this town again."
In the January Nob Hill Gazette, George Christy reports that when Dolly Parton was being honored at the Kennedy Center, "President George W. Bush was astonished at Dolly's tiny waist, and then, gazing at her major upper structure, quipped, 'I guess nothing grows in the shade.'"
On My Name is Earl the gay character lamented, "I should have joined the Navy when I was young and attractive."
Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi is the most powerful person in a dress since J. Edgar Hoover."
David Letterman: "You know that stuff that fell out of the sky in New Jersey? Reindeer crap." Also, "The Army is lowering the standards for intelligence and D.U.I. arrests. It's how they filled the job of Commander-in-Chief." And, "There's a rumor that the Egyptian pyramids were made with illegal Mexican labor." On Armed & Famous, the new reality show with Eric Estrada and Jack Osbourne as real cops: "Now you can get arrested by people who can't get arrested." And, "They've finally gotten Rosie to agree to go off steroids."
Craig Ferguson on Lindsay Lohan's appendicitis: "The appendix is useless, and you're only aware of it if it bothers you. It's the K-Fed of organs." On Apple's new product announcements: "Soon you'll be able to download your breakfast, on your iHop." Craig wants to send Rosie and Trump to Iraq.
Comedian Joe DeVito: "The thing about sex with the elderly, don't believe the hype."
Stephen Colbert: The Martyr They Fall: "They executed Saddam Hussein. Now we'll never find those weapons of mass destruction." Stephen called Hussein another "FUSSDIRAG: Formerly U.S. Supported Dictator Internationally Reviled for Acts of Genocide." Also, "Are the red states turning blue, or are they just holding their breath until the Republicans return to power?"
Jon Stewart: "The Iraq war is four years old. Soon it'll be headed off to school. Twenty thousand troops is only a 15% increase. That's not a surge. It's a tip, and a lousy tip at that."
Dave Letterman: "Bush mispronounces 'Shiite,' receives hefty fine from the FCC."
Craig Ferguson claimed "Mini-Me," Vern Troyer, lost at the Little People's Choice Awards, got drunk in Malibu, blamed all the world's troubles on big people and called the arresting officer Sugar Shins.
Amy Pohler on Saturday Night Live reported that James Brown's body still hasn't been buried. "The heirs are fighting over whether to cremate him or sell the body for parts to other sex machines."
Jay Leno: "It was so cold in L.A. last night that Britney Spears' lips turned blue." (She'd been caught pantieless several times recently.) "The cold did make the Golden Globes red carpet more fun to watch. It was Nipplepalooza." On David Beckham: "It's not fair for a British player to come to L.A. and take a job away from a Mexican soccer player." On the first test tube baby giving birth: "She got pregnant the old fashioned way, by accident." And on a female orgasm contest: "It's called Squeal or No Squeal."
Craig Ferguson: "To me krumping sounds like an angry bowel movement." Craig claimed he bought a pair of Whitney Houston's panties at auction. "They cost a fortune and smelled like crack."
Jimmy Kimmel to Rupert Everett: "You dated both Susan Sarandon and Sir Ian McKellan, so you definitely have a type."
Craig Ferguson: "Hugh Heffner is 80 and wants to have another kid. That'll be awkward when he's 100 and dating her friends."
Conan O'Brien: "George Herbert Walker Bush is going to celebrate his 85th birthday by jumping out of a plane. That day there'll be two Bushes in free fall." "We know Britney Spears is pregnant, because she was getting out of a car and her cervix was dilated."
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton sold only 100,000 CDs but 700,000 sex videos. The lesson is clear. If you're going to open your mouth, don't sing."
Jon Stewart: "The State of the Union address matches two bitter rivals, George W. Bush and words."
Dave Letterman: Hillary Clinton would be the first female president, if you don't count James Buchanan."
Jay Leno Headlines: "Mrs. Paul's Dreaded Fish Sticks."
What's the Worst That Could Happen? by Donald Westlake,
Mysterious Press, 1996
A burglary victim steals Dortmunder's ring, and he pulls many capers to get it back.
Page 2 - "Easy as falling off a diet," A.K.A. said.
4 - Dortmunder knew May had family in Ohio, which was why she never went there.
6 - He reached inside and withdrew a small box, such as earrings might come in, or a kidnap victim's finger.
7 - "June always sucked up to the grown-ups," May said. "She didn't care what they smelled like."
9 - A ring of any kind on the ring finger of his left hand could only remind him of his unfortunate marriage (and subsequent fortunate divorce) many years ago ...
12 - Long Island today is a Daliscape of concrete and ticky-tack, all its watches limp.
14 - All suburbs look like paintings from before the discovery of perspective.
15 - Don't ask business lions where "home" is. They'll merely shrug and say, "Sorry, only my accountant knows the answer to that."
17 - Dortmunder shook his head. All of finance was too much for him. His understanding of economics was, you go out and steal money and use it to buy food. Alternatively, you steal the food. Beyond that, it got too complex.
18 - Max Fairbanks in his early years had learned that a gentle word not only turneth away wrath, it can also turneth away the opponent's head just long enough to crush it with a brick.
51 - "See, John," Andy said, happy as could be, taking somebody's cellular phone out of his pocket, "already I'm a help."
53 - Rain did for these heaps and clunkers what arsenic used to do for over-the-hill French courtesans; gave them that feverish glow of false youth and beauty.
76 - "What this is," Andy said, "is a fax. You've seen them around."
Well, that was true. A fax was something you picked up and carried to the fence.
77 - Dortmunder and May watched in appalled fascination as the box began slowly to stick its tongue out at them; a wide white tongue, a sheet of shiny curly paper that exuded from the front of the thing, with words on the paper.
Andy smiled in paternal pleasure at the box. "It's like a pasta machine, isn't it?" he said.
"Yes," Dortmunder said. It was easier to say yes.
81 - A tall and handsome woman, with striking abundant black hair, she moved with a peculiarly deliberate walk, a heavy but sensual thrusting forward and bearing down, as though she were always seeking ants to step on. The regal, if slightly Transylvanian, aspect this gave her was enhanced by her predilection for swirling gowns and turbaned headgear.
88 - As for the show, it was Desdemona!, the feminist musical version of the world-famous love story, slightly altered for the modern American taste (everybody lives). Hit songs from the show included "Oh, Tell, Othello, Oh, Tell," and "Iago, My Best Friend" and the foot-stomping finale, "Here's the Handkerchief!"
92 - The cocktail lounge was a long low-ceilinged lunette curved around a massive bar. The principal color was purple, and the principal lighting was nonexistent.
115 - The man devoted his life to bankruptcy cases, and charged an arm and a leg, and lived very well indeed off bankruptcy, proving either that you can get blood from a turnip, or a lot of those things claiming to be turnips were lying.
119 - May would leave her large suitcase for Dortmunder with any luck to fill later with items once belonging to Max Fairbanks, and she would take a taxi home, hoping to hear from Dortmunder in person in the morning rather than via the morning news.
131 - Wally Whistler, like some other of Dortmunder's friends, liked to travel by extradition, which meant, when overseas, they'd confess to a crime in America they knew they could prove they hadn't done, be extradited back home, produce the proof of innocence, and walk.
187 - "Okay," he said. "No use crying over spilt blood."
215 - "Las Vegas," Max growled. He could not remember ever having been this angry, not even during his first marriage.
275 - He looked like he was going to the funeral of somebody he was glad was dead.
303 - It wasn't a car that came for Max forty minutes later, it was a fleet of cars, all of them large, all except his own limo packed with cargos of large men. He couldn't have had more of a parade if he were the president of the United States, going out to return a library book.
I also enjoyed A Good
Story and Other Stories by Donald Westlake, 1999, Five Star Mystery
Page 228 - Why a house? Why not rooms in some hotel or motel? The Galaxy needs privacy, and the Galaxy well knows how easy hotel staffers are to bribe. Galaxy phone calls should not go through a hotel switchboard, the people the Galaxy interviews should not be seen in a hotel lobby. Believing in privacy for no one else, the Galaxy absolutely requires it for itself.
229 - Even millionaire movie star dogs, like senators, belong to somebody.
230 - Boy, with clip-on sunglasses clipped on his sunglasses and a dark blue Moon Mission cap pulled low over his pasty brow, remembered again just what it was he hated about Los Angeles: everything.
240 - This was a unique position in which the Galaxians found themselves; they were turning their talents to good. The same rapacious tenacity with which they tracked star adultery, UFO sightings and arthritis cures would now be lasered into solving a fiendish, not to say heinous crime. Is it any wonder their sallow cheeks glowed with something similar to health, their dead eyes came to live, or something very like life?
243 - And then there was Mayjune. Oh my. The Phantom of the Opera's sister. If Boy Cartwright had a painting in his attic, that's what it would look like. How could she be sure where to insert that cookie?.
More Funny Photos. I had so many this month I had to do a second page. CLICK HERE.
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