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Castro Photos, Funny Pictures & Late-Night-TV Zingers

by Strange de Jim

August 2008



 

Castro Photos

That big fire department truck crushed this little car at the corner of 18th and Noe. The driver had to be hauled out through the rear windshield.

 

Lesbian pioneer Del Martin died August 27. Here's a memorial at 18th and Castro. Click for her Wikipedia page.

 

Remember this little world someone built in a tree on Noe between 18th and Ford?

 

It disappeared.

 

From Neatorama.com

Click for Regator.

Click for more Freeze.

Click for more lightmark photos.

Click for Pilobolus video.

Click for more private islands.

Click for more reasons to date a unicorn.

Click for video of speedo falling off.

Click for video of trouser snake.

From Cindy Morse

Click for Paul Hunt video.

Sent by Gregg Slapak

Horse Cock

The First Photo of Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps

Late-Night-TV Zingers

Dave Letterman: "Shia Labeouf ran his truck into another car and turned it over, or as Andy Dick calls it, parking."

Jon Stewart: "I googled 'gay' and 'WMD' and got a drag queen named Sodomy Hussein." Introducing the night's guest: "Brian Williams worked his way up from a roller skater in a gay nightclub."

Jay Leno: "At first they thought Amy Winehouse had a skull fracture, but she was just a crack head." "So in San Francisco you can't buy cigarettes in a pharmacy, but you can marry the Marlboro Man." "A woman in Canada had her 18th child. By this time the kid could just stroll out."

Joel McHale of The Soup interviewed the shark that bit Ryan Seacrest: "Most human feet are disgusting, but this chick had the daintiest pedicured tootsies." Comedian Jon Dore sang a song about a homosexual Nazi "Schindler's Lisp."

Jon Stewart: "The American Family Association is boycotting McDonald's for donating to gay causes. Great news for Captain Straight Jack's Chicken & Pussy." Jon also reported W is the president who's spent the least time in the White House. "It creeps him out to sleep in the same bed where his parents did it."

Dave Letterman: "Jet Blue is charging $7 for a blanket and pillow, but at least you can get a good solid 8 hours of sleep on the runway." "President Bush is in the Orient. Usually he's in the Disorient." "Brett Favre reports to the NY Jets as part of the Rosie O'Donnell trade." "Osama bin Laden's driver actually drove a lot of celebrities, but the only one he really got along with was, of course, Mel Gibson." "In China President Bush ate Peking Lame Duck."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Brangelina's twins got their father's smile and their mother's taste for blood." "Brett Favre has the most touchdown's, and now he's trying to break the record for most retirements set by Cher in 2001."

Conan O'Brien showed what celebrities are googling: "Christian Bale (who was arrested in London for familial assault): hand-to-hand-combat + homoerotic + Mother's Day. Charlie Sheen: nearest + vagina. Dick Cheney: video + puppies + drowning. Clay Aiken: upskirt - skirt + man." "Britney Spears has signed to play a psycho lesbian in The Lindsay Lohan Story.

Jay Leno: "In the car wreck Morgan Freeman's life flashed before his eyes. The scary part was that the flashback was narrated by Morgan Freeman." "Doctors are now saying men should no longer have prostate exams, unless Grandpa really, really, really can't remember where he put the car keys." Jay to Gilbert Godfried: "How did you get so fat?" Gilbert: "How did you lose your job?"

Chelsea Handler: "Clay Aiken's a father. The baby came out. Why can't Clay?" "Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson is like having your pie and eating it too."

Cloris Leachman on promo for Bob Saget roast: "I am not here to roast Bob Saget but to f**k John Stamos."

Craig Ferguson: "It's National Cremesickle Day. So remove the wrapper, slowly, slowly. Put it in your mouth. Now go get a cremesickle." Comedian Dan Cummins: "I thought I was a bedwetter. Then I learned bedwetters wet the bed in their sleep."

Chelsea Handler on Madonna signing up for one of Richard Branson's Virgin Airlines $100,000 trips to the moon: "I just hope she doesn't come back with one of those annoying moon accents." Kevin Neelan asked a woman on the street, "What would you do if you caught your boyfriend cheating on you?" "I'd have my husband kill him."

Craig Ferguson: "I did drugs, alcohol and kinky sex, but fortunately it was before camera phones. So take that, young people!"

Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget, hosted by John Stamos:
Cloris Leachman: "When Mary Tyler Moore had an orgasm she threw her hat in the air." "I don't know who any of you people are. I only read the trades, go to movies and watch television." "I got my theatrical training in Tijuana. No director, no script, just me and the donkey, five shows a day, six days a week, for ten years, until the donkey died of exhaustion."
Greg Giraldo: "John Stamos was once married to my favorite woman, Rebecca Romijn O'Connell."
Jeff Garland: "John Stamos is being replaced on E.R. by Jerry O'Connell." "How do you tell the Olsen twins apart? Ashley swallows."
Gilbert Gottfried: 'Jim Norton is a necrophiliac. Last night he f**ked Norm Macdonald in the career." "Cloris Leachman is so old her breasts are labeled 'whites only' and 'colored.'"
John Stamos: "Bob Sagat doesn't have a funny bone in his body, except once when he sat on Dave Coulier's. And by sat on I mean hungrily backed onto. And by once I mean 8 seasons." "Ladies and gentlemen, please tolerate Jon Lovitz."
Jon Lovitz: "Bob Saget isn't gay. The sky isn't blue. He has a beautiful wife, beautiful girlfriend. Bob likes it in his kitchen, which is code for butt."
Jeffrey Ross: "Cloris Leachman doesn't look a day past dead. She's so old Shakespeare did her in the park." "Bob Saget has two daughters in college and three girlfriends in high school." "There are still 7 words you can't hear on television: 'And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget,'"
Brian Posehn: "For 8 seasons, once a week for a half hour Full House kept pedophiles off the street. Three of them were on the show."
Jim Norton: "Cloris Leachman was wonderful in Young Frankenstein. In those days she acted under the name Peter Boyle."

Charlie Sheen on 2-1/2 Men: "A mask and a cape and the sex was boring?" Alan: "She still knew it was me."

Jay Leno: "You know what Sen. Larry Craig calls a naked man in the sink at Burger King? A Happy Meal." "A 61-year-old woman in Japan used her daughter's egg to give birth. That's one way to drop the kids off at grandma's." "A guy was arrested for having sex with a bench in the park. I can see the trial. 'May I approach the bench?' "No!'" "In Beijing the Bird Cage is now a coal-burning lead toy factory." "A small town in Tennessee is upset because a porn movie was secretly made in a public park. The husbands have organized a neighborhood watch." "Now there's a solar-powered vibrator. You thought rainy days were dull before." Headlines: "Lost: man's wedding ring in Hooter's parking lot."

Dave Letterman: "Baseball umpires are now using instant replay on close calls. They're already using instant replay in Madonna's bedroom. 'See, he didn't touch the bag.'" "Hillary's speech was so emotional Nancy Pelosi's face almost moved." "Bill Clinton got four standing ovations and five phone numbers."

Chelsea Handler on her little person sidekick: "Chuy would go up on Chelsea Clinton."

Stephen Colbert when Barack's little daughter was onstage talking to her daddy on the big screen: "Barack's real daughter wasn't pretty enough for TV. Here's his real daughter." (And they showed the little Chinese girl for whom a prettier girl lip-synched at the Olympics.)

Craig Ferguson: "Fruit bats are becoming extinct because people are cutting down the jungle. Everyone's waxing these days."

Conan O'Brien: "At the Republican National Convention Dick Cheney is most looking forward to loosening the screws on the rails in the handicapped stalls." Conan was interviewing Bob Costas, back from the Olympics: "What about that 14-year-old gymnast?" "She told me she was 18." Jimmy Carr on Conan: "Simon Cowell is spending half a million a year on security. Wouldn't it be cheaper just to be less of a douche bag?" "Now there's an almost invisible spray-on condom for especially gullible sex partners."

Jon Stewart showed the fireworks at the end of the Democratic National Convention: "Unable to contain itself any longer, Mile High Stadium ejaculated." "McCain's been hitting on Obama's lack of experience and then picks a VP whose resume makes her more fit for a Northern Exposure reunion." Correspondent Samantha Bee: "Since he's picked a woman, as a vagina-American I'll be voting for McCain."

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

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When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris, Little. Brown and Company, 2008, $25.99

The further adventures of wildly popular author David Sedaris and his lover Hugh. Quotes below.

 

Page 16 - ... a rehearsal of my farewell speech: "... because this time, buddy, it's over. I mean it." I imagine myself packing a suitcase, throwing stuff in without bothering to fold it. "If you find yourself missing me, you might want to get a dog, an old, fat one that can run to catch up and make the distant panting sound you've grown so accustomed to. Me, though, I'm finished."

17 - "Clean start, that's my motto, so what do I need with a shoe box full of photographs, or the tan-colored belt he gave me for my thirty-third birthday, back when we first met and he did not yet understand that a belt is something you get from your aunt, and not your boyfriend, I don't care who made it. After that, though, he got pretty good in the gift-giving department: a lifelike mechanical hog covered in real pigskin, a professional microscope offered at the height of my arachnology phase, and, best of all, a seventeenth-century painting of a Dutch peasant changing a dirty diaper. Those things I would keep Ñ and why not? I'd also take the desk he gave me, and the fireplace mantel, and, just on principle, the drafting table, which he clearly bought for himself and tried to pass off as a Christmas present. Now it seemed that I would be leaving in a van rather than on foot, but, still, I was going to do it, so help me. I pictured myself pulling away from the front of our building, and then I remembered that I don't drive. Hugh would have to do it for me, and well he should after everything he'd put me through. Another problem is where this van might go. An apartment, obviously, but how would I get it? It's all I can do to open my mouth at the post office, so how am I going to talk to a real estate agent. ... When discussing sums over sixty dollars, I tend to sweat ... I lost twelve pounds getting the last apartment, and all I had to do was sign my name. Hugh handled the rest of it.

18 - Hugh takes care of all that, and when he's out of town I eat like a wild animal, the meat still pink, with hair or feathers clinging to it. So is it any wonder that he runs from me? No matter how angry I get, it always comes down to this. I'm going to leave and then what? Move in with my dad? Thirty minutes of pure rage, and when I finally spot him I realize that I've never been so happy to see anyone in my life. "There you are," I say. And when he asks where I have been, I answer honestly and tell him I was lost.

21 - In early September of that same year, my parents joined my aunt Joyce and uncle Dick for a week in the Virgin Islands. Neither Mrs. Byrd nor Mrs. Robbins was available to stay with us, and so my mother found someone named Mrs. Peacock. Exactly where she found her would be speculated on for the remainder of our childhoods.

23 - She [Mrs. Peacock] had this attitude, not that she was better than us but that she was as good as us Ñ and that simply was not true.

30 - Like any normal fifth-grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than Frankenstein's monster, who ruined everything by handing that peasant girl a flower. He sort of made up for it by drowning her a few minutes later, but, still, you couldn't look at him the same way.

31 - As children we suspected that Mrs. Peacock was crazy, a catchall term we used for anyone who did not recognize our charms.

38 - [Besides her antiques his landlady had a TV.] This seemed to me a kind of betrayal, like putting a pool table inside the Great Pyramid, but she assured me that the set was an old one Ñ "My Model Tee Vee," she called it.

46 - I asked a few follow-up questions and learned that her father had died on November 19, 1963. Three days after that, the funeral was held, and while riding from the church to the cemetery Ava looked out the window and noticed that everyone she passed was crying. "Old people, college students, even the colored men at the gas station Ñ the soul brothers, or whatever we're supposed to call them now." It was such an outmoded term, I just had to use it myself. "How did the soul brothers know your father?" "That's just it," she said. "No one told us until after the burial that Kennedy had been shot. It happened when we were in the church, so that's what everyone was so upset about. The president, not my father." She then put her socks back on and walked into the parlor, leaving both me and her shoes behind. When I'd tell people about this later, they'd say, "Oh, come on," because it was all too much, really. An arthritic psychic, a ramshackle house, and either two or four crazy people, depending on your tolerance for hats.

54 - Without a doubt, my best attributes are my calves. I don't know if they're earned or genetic, but they're almost comically muscular, the equivalent of Popeye's forearms. For years I was complimented on them. Strangers stopped me in the streets. But that all changed with the widespread availability of implants. Now when people look at my legs I sense them wondering why I didn't have my ass done at the same time. It's how women with naturally shapely breasts must feel Ñ robbed and full of rage.

58 - [He wanted some sort of male clothing accessory.] It was my search for something discreet, masculine, and practical that led me to the Stadium Pal, an external catheter currently being marketed to sports fans, truck drivers, and anyone else who's tired of searching for a bathroom. At first inspection, the device met all my criteria: Was it masculine? Yes, and proudly so. Knowing that no sensible female would ever voluntarily choose to pee in her pants, the manufacturers went ahead and designed the product exclusively for men. Unlike a regular catheter, which is inserted directly into the penis, the Stadium Pal connects by way of a self-adhesive condom, which is then attached to a flexible rubber tube. Urine flows through the tube and collects in the "freedom leg bag," conveniently attached to the user's calf. The bag can be emptied and reused up to twelve times, making it both disgusting and cost effective. And what could be manlier? Was it practical? At the time, yes. I don't drive or attend football games, but I did have a book tour coming up, and the possibilities were endless. Five glasses of iced tea followed by a long public reading? Thanks, Stadium Pal! The window seat on an overbooked coast-to-coast flight? Don't mind if I do! I ordered myself a Stadium Pal and realized that while it might make sense in a hospital, it really wasn't very practical for day-to-day use. In an open-air sporting arena, a piping hot thirty-two-ounce bag of urine might go unnoticed, but not so in a stuffy airplane or small, crowded bookstore. An hour after christening it, I smelled like a nursing home. What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom. Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris. Wear it once, and you'll need a solid month to fully recover. It will likely be a month in which you'll weigh the relative freedom of peeing in your pants against the unsightly discomfort of a scab-covered penis, ultimately realizing that, in terms of a convenient accessory, you're better off with a new watchband.

64 - [At a party in his old neighborhood] ... and a high-spirited fifteen-year-old, who threw himself onto the sofa with great flourish and referred to my father as a she, as in "Lou Sedaris, who invited her?" "My son is gay!" the boy's mother announced, as if none of us had figured this out yet. He may have attended one of those magnet schools for the arts, but still it floored me that a ninth grader in Raleigh, North Carolina Ñ on the street where I grew up Ñ could comfortably identify himself as a homosexual. I felt like someone in a ten-pound leg brace meeting a beneficiary of the new polio vaccine. "She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it if you'd show her a little respect." "Yes, ma'am." When I was this kid's age, you'd be burned alive for such talk. Being a homosexual was unthinkable, and so you denied it, and found a girlfriend who was willing to settle for the sensitive type. On dates, you'd remind her that sex before marriage was just that, sex: what dogs did in the front yard. This as opposed to making love, which was more what you were about. A true union of souls could take anywhere from eight to ten years to properly establish, but you were willing to wait, and for this the mothers loved you. You sometimes discussed it with them over iced tea, preferably on the back porch when your girlfriend's brother was mowing the lawn with his shirt off.

87 - To Helen [their apartment building manager] a gift was not something you gave to person number one, but something you didn't give to person number two. This was how we wound up with a Singer sewing machine, the kind built into a table. A woman on the third floor made her own clothes and, in her own quiet way, had asked if she could have it. "So you want my sewing machine, do you?" Helen said. "Let me think about it." Then she picked up the phone and gave Hugh and me a call. "I got something for you," she told us. "The only deal is that you can't give it to nobody else, especially nobody who lives in this building on the third floor." [They didn't want it, and it was way too big for their tiny apartment, but Helen insisted.] Hugh, though, you really have to hand it to him. He sat on the horrid little bench that came with the machine, and five minutes later he was teaching himself to sew. That's the kind of person he is Ñ capable of anything.

93 - I'd lost count of all the times Helen had mentioned her friendship with John Gotti, head of the Gambino crime family. "He's a very good-looking man," she'd say. "Pictures don't do him justice." After pressing, I learned that by "friend" she meant they had been introduced at a party thirty years earlier and had danced for two minutes before someone cut in. "John is very light on his feet," she told me. "That's something most people don't know about him." "Maybe they'll bring it up at his murder trial," I said.

114 - ... but all I could concentrate on was the defendant's mother, who'd come to court wearing cutoff jeans and a Ghostbusters T-shirt. It couldn't have been easy for her, but still you had to wonder what she would consider a dress-up occasion.

139 - The allure of art had always been that my parents knew nothing about it.

173 - [His sister Amy has a 1974 magazine called New Animal Orgy.] "Isn't that the filthiest thing you've ever seen in your life?" Amy asked, but I found myself too stunned to answer. The magazine was devoted to two major stories Ñ photo essays, I guess you could call them. The first involved a female cyclist who stops to rest beside an abandoned windmill and seduces what the captions refer to as a "stray collie." "He's not a stray," Amy said. "Look at that coat. You can practically smell the shampoo."

196 - ... a depressed Delaware woman who hung herself from a tree on October 29 and was mistaken for a Halloween decoration.

226 - [When their Greek grandmother lived with them.] For children, though, nothing beats a flatulent old lady.

245 - [At fourteen he tried pot once, but didn't like it. Now he's a freshman in college.] HANDSOME ROOMMATE OF THE FRIENDLY FELLOW DOWN THE HALL: Just let me give you a shotgun. ME: A shotgun? What's that? AGAIN THE HANDSOME ROOMMATE: You lie back while I blow smoke into your mouth. ME: Where do you want me to lie? I let a college kid give me a shotgun, and for the next twenty-three years my life revolved around getting high.

248 - When New York banned smoking in restaurants, I stopped eating out.

260 - [Went to Japan to quit smoking.] When it came to restrictions, Japan was just the opposite of everywhere else. Instead of sending its smokers outdoors, it herded them inside where there was money to be made.

319 - Tell someone the police picked you up in Bangkok, and they reasonably assume that, after having sex with the eight-year-old, you turned her inside out and roasted her over hot coals, this last part, the cooking without a permit, being illegal under Thai law."


Click to see my photo history of San Francisco's Castro.

 

Heck, you might as well check out all my books.

Click for free text

. . .

 

Books, CDs & DVDs I
Found Good &/or Funny

www.strangebillions.com/fun/

 

 

Here are Amazon.com's Current Top Gay Books.

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Amazon's Top Humor Books

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Amazon.com's Top Stand-Up Comic DVDs

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Kindle

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