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by Strange de Jim
For me the big April event was a signing party for my memoirs Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy at Given Gifts, on the site of Harvey Milk's old camera store. L. to r. we have Paul Culpepper, Pink Pistol head Tom Boyer, State Assemblyman Mark Leno's aide Anna Damiani. Harvey Milk friend Dan Nicoletta and columnist Sister Dana Van Iquity.
Anna delighted me with this Certificate of Recognition.
|Later in the month Given had a first anniversary party. That's my roomie Stephen on the right.|
|That's artist/clerk Matt Gibbons on the left and Given owner Nick Romero on the right.|
|And here I am having lunch at Harvey's with the original Catwoman, Mz. Julie Newmar and her brother Dr. John Newmeyer.|
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April 1: Dave Letterman: "Kathy Lee Gifford is coming back. The scary part is President Bush knew about it and didn't act."
April 7: Stephen Colbert: "Charlton Heston was like Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor."
April 14: Jay Leno Headlines: Menu: "Try out house gravy." Jay: "This guy was arrested for selling fake Viagra, and now he's doing hard time."
Craig Ferguson: "Can you imagine balls flying at your head all the time? It's like a party at Elton John's house."
On 30 Rock Tim Conway was an old-time NBC star. "I wandered the halls last night reminiscing, and didn't see another living soul, except one giant lesbian. Who is Conan O'Brien, and why is she so sad?" Liz Lemon: "If reality TV has taught us anything it's that you can't keep people without shame down."
Craig Ferguson: "This photographer took a photo of 2,000 nude people in Austria. Just what we need, more of those little Vienna sausages."
April 17: On Conan O'Brien, Martin Short: "I'm doing Atkins. Not the diet. His widow."
April 21: John Oliver on The Daily Show: "Britain was the first nation to burn Catholics for fuel. They're a renewable resource."
Jay Leno Headlines: classified ad: "Back hole wanted for personal use." ad for cream: "Cools external vaginal bitching."
Billy Crystal on Letterman: "We're Jews. Our Pope is the head of the Federal Reserve. Santa? Our guy who checked his list was Shindler."
April 22: John Waters on The Daily Show: "Cry Baby is a very sexy musical for the whole family."
For Earth Day Stephen Colbert made an "Earth Is Awesome" sign big enough to be read from outer space, made of piles of burning tires.
April 24: Jay Leno: "If we'd lost the Spanish American War the people in LA would be speaking Spanish today."
Conan O'Brien: In California a female figure skater told police someone slipped a roofie into her drink. The only thing she's sure of is that it wasn't a male figure skater."
April 25: Jay Leno: "Naomi Campbell may be going bald because of a rare skin condition called karma."
April 28: On The Big Bang: "That time machine looks like something Elton John would ride through the Everglades."
April 29: Jon Stewart on religion's view of sex: "A man has a Godstick, and the woman has a shame cave."
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Hollywood Squares Gags
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant ? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
|Click to see my photo history of San Francisco's Castro.|
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