by Strange de Jim April 2007
Late-Night-TV Zingers & Funny Pictures
by Strange de Jim
Click here to design a seal such as the one above for yourself for free. This particular design is called a "blivet." I call it a tuning fork for going "om."
The clip is at http://iteamblog.abc7news.com.
had to click on "play" twice to get it to work.
Jay Leno reported our mayor is in
trouble again, this time for pretending to have oral sex with a
microphone. "In San Francisco that's called pandering to the voters."
The clip is at http://iteamblog.abc7news.com. I had to click on "play" twice to get it to work.
Around the Castro
This cheery Easter display is at
the corner of Castro and 16th Street.
Here's a little part of the crowd
Easter Sunday in Dolores Park for the show put on by the Sisters of
It was going to be a long time
until the sexy Jesus contest, so I was off to the Cafe Flore for coffee
and another chapter or two of Roma by Steven Saylor (see book
There was a giant bunny atop the
At first, as you can see, it
seemed just a normal Sunday at de Flore.
Rumi in Elevator Girls in Bondage a hundred years ago.
Then Rumi Missabu came in. He
told me he's taking the Cockettes to Oslo in November for "Cockettes on
[Thin] Ice." Look out, Norway!
Next it was silver-pantsed Brian,
Grand Duke of the Ducal Court, with a bunch of friends.
Next thing you know, we were
drowning in drag queens.
This lady shared my table and
turned out to be very nice.
The Ducal Court was there to put
on a show for charity. A perfect Easter treat.
Back in the real world, the
handyman on Castro just above Market has put a little display in his
Here's the rest of the display.
Yours truly in his spring
Pat's so much more in focus than
her surroundings, something I've never managed. Must be all that
April 19, on the day before
Cody's Books at 10 Stockton St. closes for good, here's Pat Montandon,
age 78, signing copies of her new book Oh the Hell of It All,
telling about how Dede Traina stole her husband, and then Pat started a
children's movement for peace and traveled all around the globe,
meeting with world leaders.
Pat's so much more in focus than her surroundings, something I've never managed. Must be all that meditation.
At the reading he asked Pat where
she got her title. He's talking with his aunt and uncle, Pat's brother
Here's Pat's son, Sean Wilsey,
who wrote the bestseller Oh the Glory of It All, telling the
same story from his viewpoint. I found it a fascinating and
At the reading he asked Pat where she got her title. He's talking with his aunt and uncle, Pat's brother and sister.
From the devil horns I assume
this is Dede Wilsey in a dark wig. Frankly, I'm surprised she attended.
April ends with beautiful spring
weather. Here are the blooms on Kite Hill.
And here are flowers outside a
house on Noe above 19th Street.
Found on Neatorama.com
Click for a site where you'll find celebrity couples represented in fruit. Below are Anna Nicole Smith and her ancient hubby.
Click here for Joshua Bell story and videos.
Click here to try out face transformer.
Click here to generate your own money.
Click here for YouTube video of The Zimmers singing "My Generation."
Click here for Stacey Whaley fractal art.
Sent by Gregg Slapak
Jay Leno on P. Diddy having tantric sex for 30 hours straight: "P. Diddy has never kept the same name for 30 hours straight. His new name is Busta Groin." On "Headlines" Jay had a for sale ad for an "Antique arousel Horse," and an ad with a picture of a woman saying, "Now I know what to do the next time my parents die."
On Conan comedian Brian Kiley said, "My
first girlfriend was one quarter Navajo and three quarters regular ho."
"As we were driving home from the mall I noticed my son was eating a candy bar. I knew I hadn't bought it for him, and he didn't have any money, so I turned around, and we went right back to the mall, only this time to a jewelry store."
"Someone stole this guy's identity and ran up thousands of dollars in charges on his credit cars. Like what happened when I got married."
"I had to take my 10-year-old daughter to a Justin Timberlake concert, because my wife wouldn't go, and I didn't want to go alone again."
Jay Leno: "Palm Springs just concluded Lesbian Spring Break. The big event? The wet lumberjack shirt contest." And more on P. Diddy: "He would have lasted longer, but he ran out of other women to fantasize about."
Craig Fergusen: "Why did they freeze Ted Williams' head? He didn't play ball with his head. It's like freeaing Pamela Anderson's feet."
Jay Leno: "Do you know what you're
supposed to do if you're attacked by a shark?"
Kevin Eubanks: "Run!"
Jay Leno: "Iran was afraid if they
didn't give the British sailors back, Nancy Pelosi might visit them."
Jay also commented, "Who thought the British sailors would be let go
before Sanjaya?" Jay showed one of the gift bags the Iranians gave the
captives, including a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Hummus and a
Goats Gone Wild video. He explained Sanjaya's success: "Sanjaya is
from India. India has all our call centers." Also, "Rudy Giuliani says
marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many tries
Jimmy Kimmel: "Easter is the day when Jesus rolled back the rock and saw his shadow, and we had six more weeks of Sanjaya."
David Spade called an irate guy "bi-furious."
Conan O'Brien had celebrities completing sentences. "To really communicate with your children you have to ... Brad Pitt said, 'Speak Swahili.' To avoid crowds I stay away from ... Paris Hilton said, 'My vagina.'" Conan also said: "Baseball season’s underway. Last night San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds hit his first home run of the season. Bonds hit a solo shot to left field, but not before taking a solo shot to the left butt cheek."
Craig Ferguson: "Charles Simonyi became
the latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. He’s Martha
Stewart’s boyfriend, this guy. If I was Martha Stewart’s boyfriend I’d
be going too. Wasn't it Lance Bass who was going to go into space? Then
he just came out of the closet instead. Just as fabulous and the
clothes are better."
"I just hope the machine gun leg in Grindhouse doesn't give Heather Mills any ideas."
Craig called oysters "a little shell of phlegm."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Only eight episodes of The Sopranos left, so after that we’ll have to get all of our televised violence from The View.”
Britisher John Oliver of The Daily Show on the wimpy captured British sailors: "If Gandhi had known we were such pushovers, he could have been eating all the time."
Aasif Mandvi of The Daily Show on bargains in Baghdad: "You hear about the bombs but not the savings. Life is cheap here, but rugs are even cheaper."
Jay Leno on a man suing his surgeon for removing the wrong testicle: "So if you're a surgeon, keep your eye on the ball." In "Headlines" there was a grocery ad for "Country Cock Spread."
Larry Gilmore of The Daily Show on the Don Imus scandal pointed out that the white members of the girls basketball team weren't nappy headed. Jon Stewart: "He also called them hos." Larry: "That was just an effort to be inclusive."
Jay Leno: "We now have a winner in the Anna Nicole Spermstakes. And Zsa Zsa's husband Prince Ahole is now claiming to be the grandfather."
Conan O'Brien: "Paris Hilton wants to shut down a web site that claims she has an STD. Unfortunately, the site if that of the Center for Disease Control."
Rob Riggle of The Daily Show: "He thought he was Howard K. Sperm, but he was Howard KY Stern, because he just got reamed."
Wanda Sykes on Jay Leno: "Reporters have been calling me for comments on Don Imus. Since when have I become the spokesperson for nappy headed hos? Imus has one of those faces that looks like it belongs on an obituary."
Jennifer Lopez made a guest appearance
on American Idol.
Conan O'Brien: "So for once Ryan Seacrest wasn't the biggest ass on the show."
Craig Ferguson: "So for once Simon Cowell wasn't the biggest ass on the show."
Fabio appeared on Conan, picking him up
in his arms after the monologue and carrying him back to his desk.
Conan: "So what did you think of the monologue?"
Margarine spokesman Fabio: "I can't believe it's not better."
Randy on My Name Is Earl:
"People who do meth shouldn't make meth. It's always the second batch
David Letterman: "A Northwest pilot locked himself in the bathroom and started shouting obscenities at the passengers. It's just like my wedding night."
Jay Leno: "Disney has opened up Fairy Tale Weddings to gay couples. At last Sneezy and Grumpy don't have to live a lie. And Space Mountain is now Brokeback Mountain."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Snoop got 800 hours community service, and in Dogg years, that's a lot."
Craig Ferguson: "Imus is already working on a new show, The Amazing Racist."
Joel McHale: "First I'd like to apologize for what I called the Rutgers men's wrestling team."
Jay Leno on power outages in L.A.: "Doctors were doing breast implants by candlelight." And, "Do we need frozen sperm? Is there a shortage of fresh squeezed?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Don Imus was replaced by Sanj-imus. The ridiculous hat covers up the ridiculous hair."
Rodney Carrington: "You can scare a big sombitch with a little pecker."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "It's official. The Durham prosecutor raped three Duke lacrosse players." Also, "Sex abuse claims against Catholic priests are down, proving that fewer children are going to church."
David Letterman: "If I were Don Imus, I wouldn't be saying anything about other people's hair."
Craig Ferguson: "Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked — what was the price of a gallon of milk. That's the question that shows you know the common people. That doesn't bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq?" Also, "Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you're depressed . . . red car means you're angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road."
Craig Ferguson: "Disneyland has announced they're now allowing same-sex couples to have their fantasy weddings in their theme parks. Finally, Buzz Lightyear doesn't have to hide his love for Woody anymore."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The Bahamian court decreed that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Anna Nicole Smith's 7-month-old daughter. Upon hearing the news, a jubilant Larry Birkhead scooped baby Dannielynn up and locked her in a nearby safety deposit box."
Rob Riggle on The Daily Show
reported on a transgender fired in Florida who says he will be better
off when he's the correct gender. "If only the nation's problems could
be solved so easily." Then he showed a map of the U.S. with scissors
coming out to snip off Florida.
Jimmy Kimmel: "America has been cured of its long bout of Sanjayarrhea. Sanjaya's long reign of terrible is over. He proved that if you just believe in yourself you can annoy millions of people."
Stephen Colbert headed the report on John Edwards' $400 haircuts "Edwards Scissorshead."
David Letterman: "We had so much rain that today the Statue of Liberty was holding up her skirt."
Jay Leno: "Funeral directors are complaining we're getting so fat that people won't fit into crematoriums. It seems it's just as hard to burn fat after we're dead." Also, "Scientists have found a way for women to produce their own sperm. Is there a need for that when men are happy to provide free delivery and free installation?" On Richard Gere causing outrage by kissing an actress in India. "Public displays of affection are considered taboo in India—and by Mrs. Gere."
Jay Leno: "I filed my taxes online this year. You ever do that? Big mistake. I got so confused I hit the wrong button and sent the IRS some porn. A lot of people asked for extensions this year. Even President Bush. Because he's still trying to decide whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales."
David Letterman: "It was so wet today that Barry Bonds tested positive for mildew." Also, "Regis, you know, had what turned out to be a triple bypass surgery, and the same guys who did my surgery also did Regis' surgery. They're tremendous. And you really don't feel much pain because they go in through your wallet.”
Jay Leno: "Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks."
Jay Leno: "In a speech Sunday, before a
church group, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said that he is going to
make San Francisco a sanctuary for illegal immigrants so they can go
there and not worry about being deported to their home country of Los
Conan O'Brien: "Former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s ex-wife says in her new book that McGreevey is not really homosexual. McGreevey was furious and said, 'How many guys do you have to screw to get your wife to call you gay?' In my experience, eight."
Craig Ferguson: " I’ve heard rumors that Rosie might replace Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right.” You can never know, because Bob Barker anoints his successor. Everybody knows that. He picks his successor by biting them on the neck."
Dave Letterman: "Regis Philbin, after his triple bypass surgery, is a changed man. As a matter of fact, I watched his nurse change him backstage."
Jay Leno: "The most sexually satisfied people on earth are the Austrians. Explains all that yodeling."
Old Christine: "I put my comfy underwear on one leg at a time, just like ... actually, this morning I put two legs in the same hole, but that's just because I was driving at the time."
Charlie Sheen: "I was drunk. He was taped, tucked and gorgeous."
Berta on Two and a Half Men when she thinks Alan came out: "Good for you, Zippy. The world's a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion."
Dave Letterman: "Guess who wasn't invited to Earth Day. Pluto."
Jay Leno "Headlines": "Man beats off cougar with bare hands," and, "Earl learned of his enlarged prostate only after his wife's prodding."
Dave Letterman: "Sanjaya's a little too comfortable here. I don't think he wanted to leave." Paul Shaeffer: "Where's he got to go?"
Jay Leno: "Women can now buy sperm over the internet. Kev, you ever thought of turning your hobby into a home business?"
Steven Wright: "When you see a guy in a supermarket parking lot pushing about thirty carts, yell, 'Hey, other people might want to use those!'"
Dave Letterman: "Bush's trip to New York was successful. He got Rosie to step down."
David Spade on the Chris Rock paternity suit: "So far the only evidence is that the kid's name is Chris, and everybody hates him." And, "If you Google the band be careful how you spell 'posse.' You could get lost for days."
On David Spade's show Bill Maher said about all the videos supposedly of Britney giving oral sex to K-Fed: "I know, and David Spade can tell you, that isn't Kevin Federline's penis."
Dave Letterman: "I lease conjugal trailers to prisoners."
Jay Leno: "Cheryl Crow says teenage girls should only stuff their bras with one square of toilet paper." Also, "Russell Simmons wants rappers to stop using 'bitch' and 'ho.' No more love songs." And, "There were almost 5,000,000 votes against Heather Mills on Dancing with the Stars, all from Paul McCartney."
Derek Jeter doing a top ten on Letterman: "Remember when I was out because I pulled a hamstring? I really had Streisand tickets," and, "So I'm not bothered by fans I check into hotels as 'David Letterman.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "When Regis came back on his show after his triple bypass they should have had Kathy Lee sitting there and convinced him the last six years were a dream."
When Dave Letterman announced Steve Martin he didn't appear, and the camera found him in his dressing room with a hot male stripper. Dave: "What are you doing, Steve?" Steve: "Just killing time."
Steve Martin: "At our age all our long-term goals become short-term goals." When he was in Europe at a fancy party he introduced himself, "I'm Steve Martin." "I'm Elizabeth." "Elizabeth who?" "Elizabeth of Austria."
Craig Ferguson: "How can a self-respecting photographer have the police arrest Hugh Grant? If you're strong enough to hold a camera, you can fight Hugh Grant. If you can hold a camera phone. If you can hold a conversation ..."
Masi of Heroes on Conan O'Brien told of meeting his hero George Takai who said to him in Japanese, "I have watched your progress and you're getting very big." In Japanese the word for "progress" sounds like the word for "penis."
Mo Mandell on Craig Ferguson: "Parents, don't smoke weed in front of your kids. It spoils weed for them."
Jay Leno: "There's a new sex theme park in London. The most popular ride, the mary go down."
Some Books I Loved
Paula mingles her own life as a
professional comic, mother of three adopted children, convicted drunk
driver and accused child molester, with the lives of people she
admires, such as Joan of Arc, Abraham Lincoln, Helen Keller, Sitting
Bull, Beethoven, etc. I came out loving her.
There's Nothing in this Book
That I Meant to Say by Paula Poundstone, Harmony Books 2006
Paula mingles her own life as a professional comic, mother of three adopted children, convicted drunk driver and accused child molester, with the lives of people she admires, such as Joan of Arc, Abraham Lincoln, Helen Keller, Sitting Bull, Beethoven, etc. I came out loving her.
In June 2001 I was arrested on a felony child-endangerment charge, for driving drunk with my children in the car, a misdemeanor child-abuse charge, the details of which I am not permitted to discuss because they are sealed by the court, and four charges of lewd acts with a minor, which were later dropped. I pled guilty to the child-endangerment charge and the misdemeanor child-abuse charge because those things were true. There is nothing I care about more in the world than my children, but in fact I was drunk when I drove them to the Baskin-Robbins one day, and it was reported to the police. I have no one to blame but myself—which, I've always said, takes the joy right out of blaming. I wish Dick Cheney could have been involved somehow.
[At a bar] The guy kept trying to make conversation and, just trying not to be rude, I answered his questions. Then he suddenly reached across and grabbed my crotch. He said he was trying to make sure I was a woman. What a waste of good manners on my part.
I can't pee under pressure. I go in with a tank full of soda in me, dying to pee, dying to get out from under the withering gaze of the lunch-eating pee watcher, and I can't pee a drop. It gets very quiet in that bathroom, unless Deputy Pee Watcher is eating chips. There's a line of other criminals forming outside the door, waiting to pee in a cup, and I'm a dust bowl. Sand comes out. Cobwebs form. Sometimes, kindly, the other criminals make water sounds.
At that time people believed everything anybody did was because of God or the Devil. That's before they invented the inner child. I have a restraining order that prevents me from having contact with my inner child.
By the time I stop wearing my underwear it's no longer a garment, just sort of some threads with an idea. It looks, in the end, like one of those dream-catcher things. Clearly there's some unearthly force involved.
[Going to jail] I was blown away,
however, when he barked at me, "What do you like, men or women?" I was
stunned. Are they allowed to ask that? I looked at the detective,
hoping she'd correct him, and she just shrugged like, "Oh, those crazy
jailers." I just stared at the guy. He barked, "It's for your own
protection. What do you like, men or women?"
My mind was racing now, trying to figure out how that could be for my own protection. Was it because people get raped and assaulted in jail? I don't like to be assaulted by either gender.
You could say that I'm self-taught. Lincoln just had a better teacher.
I've been mistaken for a guy many times. I try not to correct people. I tell myself that, as long as I know, that's enough. ... Many embarrassing times I have corrected people who have misidentified my gender. This was the first time anyone actually put up a fight.
Lincoln wasn't that good with money. That's why he's on the penny.
[Helen Keller] A number of relatives thought that since she was legally considered an idiot, she should be put away somewhere, which does sound unfair since Pat Robertson continues to travel freely.
Once when we went to the zoo, Allison, noticing the kangaroos having sex, yelled, "They're making babies, Mama." Of course, all the parents in our vicinity stared at me as if it were my fault they had lied to their kids.
[Football] Two groups of men line up facing each other. Someone counts wrong. They run directly into each other. They end up in a big heap, like a big pile of dirty clothes that happen to have men in them. They lie there a minute, realizing what they've done, and slowly begin to get up, one layer at a time. At the bottom someone lies injured. I could have told you someone was going to get hurt, but the team of medics that run out always seem to react with surprise.
It's just that I'm tired, and reading puts me to sleep. I can fall asleep reading an exit sign.
Why do some heterosexuals believe that same-sex marriages could destroy the sanctity of their marriage? I'd be insulted if my husband suggested that two other people getting hitched could somehow make what we had go to seed.
Before thomas E could attend kindergarten, he had to sign the "illicit drug policy" form stating that he would not deal in the drug-free zone surrounding the school. I showed him where he could deal.
I challenged Thomas E to see if he could go longer without a tantrum than I could without a soda. I never realized how addicted I am to soda. After a day I provoked him.
If I could talk my kids out of stuff, I wouldn't have seen two Mary-Kate and Ashley movies.
Like many musicians of the time, Beethoven was supported in part by rich people, so he was obliged to create what they liked. The upper classes could have their own musicians. It was the precursor to the iPod.
Bravery, fortitude, generosity, and wisdom were as important to the Lakota then as showing their navels and having really cool cell phones are to middle-school girls now.
Steven Saylor is a respected
historian, and I've always enjoyed his mysteries set in ancient Rome.
This novel covers the whole sweeping history of Rome from 1000 B.C. to
1 B.C. I found it fascinating.
Roma: The Novel of Ancient Rome
by Steven Saylor, St. Martin's Press 2007
Steven Saylor is a respected historian, and I've always enjoyed his mysteries set in ancient Rome. This novel covers the whole sweeping history of Rome from 1000 B.C. to 1 B.C. I found it fascinating.
The Wee Free Men by Terry
Tiffany Aching becomes a witch. Terry Pratchett books are always a delight.
What they did was sell invisible things.
And after they'd sold what they had, they still had it. They sold what
everyone needed but often didn't want. They sold the key to the
universe to people who didn't even know it was locked.
When she went closer, Tiffany saw a small notice pinned to the outside of the tent. It said, in letters that whispered rather than shouted: I CAN TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU WON'T FORGET IN A HURRY.
"And you talk," said Tiffany.
"You only have my word for it," said the toad.
It did have a noise, up there. Sounds,
voices, animal noises floating up onto the downs somehow made the
silence deep and complex. And Granny Aching wrapped this silence around
herself and made room inside it for Tiffany.
"Good. Now ... if you trust in yourself ..."
"Yes?" said Tiffany.
"... and believe in your dreams ..."
"... and follow your star ..." Miss Tick went on.
"... you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy. Good-bye."
[On fairy tales] Oh, and believe that
shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.
And some girl who can't tell the difference between a wolf and her grandmother must either have been as dense as teak or come from an extremely ugly family.
Granny Aching might sometimes have had
trouble remembering the difference between children and lambs, but in
her silence you were welcome and belonged. All you had to bring was a
silence of your own.
Tiffany lived on a farm. Any little beliefs that babies are delivered by storks or found under bushes tend to get sorted out early on if you live on a farm, escpecially when a cow is having a difficult calving in the middle of the night. And she'd helped with the lambing, when small hands could be very useful in difficult cases. She knew all about the bags of red chalk the rams had strapped to their chests, and why you knew later on that the ewes with the red smudges on their backs were going to be mothers in the spring. It's amazing what a child who is quiet and observant can learn, and this includes things people don't think she is old enough to know.
... and the legendary Lancre Blue, which had to be nailed to the table to stop it attacking other cheeses.
"But that's just dream treasure,
surely?" said Tiffany. "Fairy gold! It'll turn to rubbish in the
"Aye?" said Rob Anybody. He glanced at the horizon. "Okay, ye heard the kelda, lads! We got mebbe half an hour to sell it to someone! Permission to be offski?" he added to Tiffany.
Tiffany wondered if the witch could read minds.
"Minds" No," said Mistress Weatherwax, climbing onto her broomstick. "Faces, yes. come here, young lady."
"The thing about witchcraft," said Mistress Weatherwax, "is that it's not like school at all. First you get the test, and then afterward you spend years findin' out how you passed ti. It's a bit like life in that respect."
NNNNN a novel by Carl
Reiner, Simon & Schuster 2006
A novelist who talks to himself aloud without realizing it discovers the astounding circumstances of his birth and meets his real family, interspersed with a very different version of the story of the Garden of Eden.
Watch Your Back by Donald
Westlake, Mysterious Press 2005
Dortmunder and group plan to burgle a luxury New York penthouse owned by a man hiding from his four ex-wives' process servers at a Club Med in the Caribbean.
.. combining to form pools that looked
like a lab test you didn't want the results of.
"I completely subordinate my own preferences and personality, and I never argue with you."
"You're arguing with me now."
"No, I'm not."
They, all of them, men and the women's auxiliary, too, were hunched over their drinks with that thousand-yard stare that suggests therapy is no longer an option.
"If Arnie ever saw a paper trail," Dortmunder said, "he'd set fire to it."
... and a store that called itself "Sickroom & Party Supplies," with an unfortunate display window.
... and from her store of bikinis, each
in its own Ziploc bag, she selected the pale beige number barely two
shades from her own body color. It was a powerful marketing tool, as
she well knew.
Yes, here he was, Preston Fareweather, with the usual deficit of hair and surplus of flesh. Even with nothing to gloat at but a camera, he still bore on his lips—virtually the only thin part of him—the hint of that sardonic smile that says, "I'm rich, and you aren't."
The arrangement in the dining room was mix-and-match, with everyone expected to combine haphazardly among the large round tables, and with guests and staff all sharing their meals together. Not the native maids and gardeners, of course ...
The uniformed fat woman at security immediately regretted demanding that Dortmunder remove his shoes; he could tell she did, but she was too professional—or maybe just too stunned—to let it show.
... but now the real estate devil-princes, in their aeries on top of the taller buildings, have noticed that gleam of water far below and have devised just the perfect way to deal with it. Put up a Great Wall of separate huge buildings, jammed together, marching for miles up the West Side, with windows. That way, the office workers and residents of those buildings can have terrific river views and then come out and describe them to everybody else.
From Andrea Jacobson
These are notes between airline pilots and mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
From Cindy Morse
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
As for the last!!!
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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